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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sun May 05, 2013 9:47 am 
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Nooch of Earl
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TheCrabbyCrafter wrote:
You guys are gonna love this....
Today, my husband asked if I thought I'd get more or less work done with a new crying baby vs "lying around all day being sick and doing nothing." And I was all, "OH, NO YOU DID NAE!" And he was all, "what?" And I was all, "Lying around all day? Do you have any idea what I did last week?" And he was all, "Uh...yeah, you did some cleaning last week, but you're lying in bed now." And I am all, "so are you!"



WOW. just...wow.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sun May 05, 2013 9:59 am 
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And you never will.
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annak wrote:
TheCrabbyCrafter wrote:
You guys are gonna love this....
Today, my husband asked if I thought I'd get more or less work done with a new crying baby vs "lying around all day being sick and doing nothing." And I was all, "OH, NO YOU DID NAE!" And he was all, "what?" And I was all, "Lying around all day? Do you have any idea what I did last week?" And he was all, "Uh...yeah, you did some cleaning last week, but you're lying in bed now." And I am all, "so are you!"



WOW. just...wow.

Yeah, seriously. That would have made me pretty angry. In fact, It's making me a bit twitchy on your behalf!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sun May 05, 2013 11:46 am 
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Drunk Dialed Ian MacKaye
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Yeah! I know I sleep a lot -- a LOT -- and haven't really done anything this weekend other than eating cake, doing laundry, and doing a bit of cooking yesterday (and then I hung out in bed watching the boxing last night before crashing), but I have been really productive. Especially compared to my other pregnancies (especially the last one), but even for a not-pregnant lady, I've been doing pretty well lately.
Rest assured, he has been given one hell of a ribbing over this. We have one of those relationships where we like to take the peas out of each other (kind of like Fred and Ethel from I Love Lucy), so this is the best fodder ever. >:D I know he must think it was quite a slip-up because he's barely putting an effort into defending himself and usually he is happy to debate anything into the ground. Tee hee.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sun May 05, 2013 11:57 am 
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Nooch of Earl
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Pffff I was exhausted the entire time I was pregnant (and, truth be told, still am!)

What he meant to say was, "You look beautiful. What can I bring you to make you more comfortable?"


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sun May 05, 2013 12:06 pm 
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Drunk Dialed Ian MacKaye
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Haha! I am totally using that translation the next time he is snarky. ;D

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Fri Jun 28, 2013 11:52 am 
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Lubes With Earth Balance
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I'm bumping this thread for a vent/expression of concern. This will probably get long and I apologize in advance.

my partner really, really needs a break. The heat has been keeping him and the kids in the house too much and I've been noticing that there's more yelling than usual and it makes me sad. It's all mainly directed at Dahlia...I completely agree that her behavior is difficult a lot of the time lately, i.e. just not freakin' listening to us, sometimes being rough with Sierra and H's main pet peeve: too much stomping and being really really loud on our dumb faux wood floor. The problem is our dear friends live downstairs and one of them is home all the time - our friend's never complained but he's not really the type, so H is worried about simmering resentment I guess. He must yell at her 1000 times a day about this and I can't get him to calm down about it or admit that gee, she's 4 and running and jumping is what kids do. I want H to try some alternative methods to yelling, have asked him to read a book or 2 but he is too mad a lot of the time to admit that he's being too loud because in his eyes D is misbehaving and yelling is his way to let her know that.

I'm gone roughly 8.5 hours a day and I can't say enough amazing things about the way H takes care of our family/crappy apartment. I know a lot of you are home with your kids and can completely identify with how, some days, 8.5 hours is an eternity and the button-pushing can really drive you over the edge (wowza mixed metaphors huh). As soon as I get home in the evening he pretty much checks out - which leads me to a side vent about how yeah, I work at the office, commute, have a long walk home and then have to usually finish up cooking /serve dinner with a crying baby crawling up my leg and D running circles around me in the kitchen and he pretty much feels that it's his time off. Where's mine? The answer is, we both need time!

I have some guilt over my helplessness with this because even though we're in NYC it's a very inconvenient location and it's difficult for me to do any more than take both kids to the park for a while so he can catch a break on Saturdays - which I do pretty much every week. This is because I don't drive and can't ever drive here. So I feel like one answer would be for him to go somewhere for for a day or hell, a weekend if he'd like. I actually want to send him away! but all I get when I suggest this are "there's nothing I want to do and nowhere I want to go!" because he hates living in NYC. Seriously he hates to leave the house because this city enrages him and there ain't much that will make him go out, maybe literally 2 times a year for a band and even then he wants me to accompany him (another side vent: no family to help watch our kids and no extra $ to spend $60 on a babysitter so we can go out and spend $, ya know?) Though we have many mutual beloved friends who don't see enough of us, he pretty much only wants to go out with me. He dislikes social interaction with people in general these days but doesn't want to go do things alone either. I feel like he's not taking care of himself by not taking a break and that it's reflected in his short-temper, which is not fair for anyone. He somewhat agrees but acts like there's no solution, which means nothing will change.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Fri Jun 28, 2013 2:50 pm 
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Nooch of Earl
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Do you have any friends you can do a kid exchange with? That seems to be how a lot of the boat wives survive with no family around. I'm super introverted, so I know that just saying "join stuff!!" can be tough, but sometimes you just need to force yourself out of your comfort zone to get a comfortable, closer group of people. There HAVE to be a ton of different kind of special purpose parenting groups, including ones for SAHDs and ones for vegan parents (if not, start a facebook group!!). He can go, click with people, and hopefully find somebody to trade kids with for a few hours.

Plus in our case V is just a "better behaved" kid if we get out of the house. Our weeks are kind of back loaded with activities, so on weeks when I figure "oh, I'm too busy/don't feel like going out" she is an absolute NIGHTMARE by thursday morning. I *HAVE* to plan a couple activities earlier in the week or we end up chasing each other through the hedgemaze. Encourage him to find some kid-safe-ish places where he can let down his guard and relax a bit while she plays. These are sometimes counterintuitive - for us the beach can work really well, though with playgrounds it's very selective. Memberships can cost a bunch at the front but you can end up getting your money's worth so many times over.. Private places tend to have much more toddler/little kid friendly playgrounds. Honestly I got an annual pass at Legoland just to use their playground. They can be, unfortunately, problematic from a vegan perspective (we've thrown in the towel and gotten a zoo/safari park membership, though I do draw the line at seaworld).

And yeah, babysitters can be a lot of money..but possibly less than a therapist or a divorce lawyer. I know that sometimes there really is NO extra money to spare, and you do what you have to do.. but if there's any way to swing it, it sounds like you both deserve a night out. What about local parents' night out programs? Over here various groups seem to offer them, and at it's somewhere between way and slightly cheaper than a sitter.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Fri Jun 28, 2013 2:57 pm 
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Semen Strong
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Audrey should we do a PPK meet up again soon so you can take the kiddos out and let H relax at home? I know sometimes the thing I want most is to relax in my own space.

Sorry things are tough - I know you have mentioned that H doesn't like NYC much and I wonder if it would be worth even discussing a move...

Sending many good thoughts!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Fri Jun 28, 2013 5:00 pm 
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Lubes With Earth Balance
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oh yes I did forget to mention that we're planning on leaving NYC (and the whole East Coast probably) but my job is keeping us here. This is very morbid, but unfortunately things are kinda contingent on what the elderly man I work for does. Because H has been home for 4 years we're very reluctant to give up the hours/money/benefits that currently support our family, what with the bullshiitake economy etc. Some days I feel like "fork it, let's just leave" but then I remember we have 2 little ones depending on us.

We do have a few friends with kids but they all blissfully have families nearby falling all over themselves to babysit, so not so interested in a childcare share thing. Perhaps if I were the stay-at-home parent I would make a lot more moves to connect with families in the neighborhood adjacent to us, which has a pretty active parent listserv etc, but H is unwilling to participate on his own. He's such a charming guy but so defensive and paranoid about people judging us, or just doesn't want to deal with social awkwardness with people who don't share similar values and interests. Sending Dahlia to preschool has pushed him out of his comfort zone quite a bit because he has to interact with other kids' parents at pick-up and drop-off but he still feels so awkward. And don't even get me started on his outright refusal to take both kids anywhere other than a park on his own due to Sierra's being ya know, an unpredictable baby, because I don't want to make him seem too ridiculous..he's truly awesome, just struggling to handle things these days and too stubborn to really put himself out there.

Thanks for all the good thoughts and suggestions though...waiting for my mom to come back for a visit (*even though she just left ha) so that we can have some time together away from the house. And yeah the idea of relaxing in our own space is heavenly, we just don't have anyone who will take the kids somewhere for us ha. A move closer to the west coast is what we need, because my entire family completely bailed on the east coast several years ago and H's sister is in SoCal. One of these days...


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Fri Jun 28, 2013 7:53 pm 
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Audrey, my partner joined a meetup group for stay at home dads in the city and he has met a few good friends through that. I know the dads arrange low key meetups like at the park or free museums, etc. He goes every monday to a museum playdate and every wednesday to a Central Park play date. I bet there are some regular ones in Brooklyn, too. I am really shy and I can really hate being around people I don't know but I've been to a few of the dads' things and its very casual and if you don't feel like talking that is okay. At least the kids can play. And I second annak's point that doing activities out of the house makes toddler behavior a million times more bearable. Staying home all day (something I love doing without a toddler) is a recipe for disaster.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Fri Jun 28, 2013 9:10 pm 
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Audrey, my husband is like yours in a lot of ways - he can't seem to meet other SAHDs (he is now only part-time SAHD but was full-time until 20 months-ish), he feels super defeated by our situation and feels like there's no way out and no solutions to any problems so he just bisques and moans and gets depressed, and his patience is clearly wearing thin with Malka.

Really the most distressing thing to me is that although he is generally very gentle in his discipline and not a yeller, he will yell at her when she wakes up too early and (yelling) tell her to stop crying and go to sleep, which is obviously not effective. Then we have a mini-fight about who's getting up with her at that stupid hour. Generally I volunteer, but sometimes I'm a wreck in the morning and I am still super sleep deprived for God-knows-what-reason.

My husband is definitely much happier when he gets out of the house as early as possible with her and is just going all day with activities. He is luckily not at all uneasy about taking her anywhere and has since birth. When it rains, though, or it's too hot to be outside, I come home to a complete grouch fest. I have taken to just ignoring him and putting on a smile and he gets over it. Because really he's having a tantrum, and I can't fix the problem because it's not a solvable problem in the same way that a toddler's tantrums are not solvable, so I just go on my merry way and wait for him to perk up a little.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Jul 02, 2013 12:43 pm 
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Lubes With Earth Balance
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annnnnnd now, we have to move. Totally forking sick to my stomach. We have a few months so it's not a desperate situation but I haven't looked at rent prices in about 4 years and holy crepe...bye bye savings account, it was nice knowing you! Chances are we may have to do something crazy like move to Staten Island. On the major upside though, since we have time, I'm gonna make damn sure our new place has a yard.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Jul 02, 2013 12:45 pm 
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Semen Strong
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I am so sorry - that sounds so hard.

Just a thought - Would you consider moving to NJ? My town is really cheap - the schools are crepe, but you could move again in a few years and you could definitely find something with a yard and an easy commute into NYC...

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Jul 02, 2013 2:57 pm 
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New Jersey flicks the weasel


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Jul 02, 2013 3:19 pm 
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we would probably consider NJ...H has initial negative feelings about the entire state because he commuted from Brooklyn to NJ for years, but recognizes that's hardly relevant now! plus yeah bigger places + yard = yes, please. Our current place has many drawbacks but we're still emotionally attached to it because of the friends we live with and the fact that it's the only home our girls know. But, onward and all that...


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Jul 02, 2013 5:07 pm 
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We live in the town over from Tofulish and it's a wonderful place to live and the direct train to nyc is nearby and so far the schools are wonderful. There are great parks all over NJ. We have a great vegan meetup group plus a vegan and vegetarian families group. NJ is a great place to live!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Jul 02, 2013 5:09 pm 
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Tofulish wrote:
I am so sorry - that sounds so hard.

Just a thought - Would you consider moving to NJ? My town is really cheap - the schools are crepe, but you could move again in a few years and you could definitely find something with a yard and an easy commute into NYC...


From my experience going to the schools in T'lish's town is that the high school is crepe. The elementary schools were great and I hear they still are. Middle school was ok but could have been better. When we were looking for a house I refused to look in that town because of my high school experience and how unhelpful they were to me.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Jul 02, 2013 8:27 pm 
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Semen Strong
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Thanks for the perspective JENNA! My husband has bad memories from middle school too, but he's 15 years older than you, so maybe things are better now. I always mention it because it is SO cheap. You can buy a single family house for between 250,000 and 300,000. My Manhattan one bedroom sold in 2007 for $600,000.

I know a few people who have moved from Brooklyn to Bloomfield (Jenna's 'hood) and love it. Its an easy commute in, its less pricey than Montclair and you have all the restaurants etc that make life fun, without exorbitant rents.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Jul 02, 2013 9:01 pm 
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Really there are a million towns in NJ that are easy to commute to the city from. I'm partial to commuting by train (and being in walking distance from businesses and parks), but if you are open to the bus than that widens the search. I live in a sweet spot that is about a half mile walk to the train station and just slightly further (in the other direction) to a bus stop. The train station isn't in my town which is part of the reason my rent is several hundred dollars less than rent in that town. We are also walking distance to the town pool, which is awesome. And supposedly we will soon have a vegan diner in the neighborhood! There are not many bad places to live in northern New Jersey.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Wed Jul 03, 2013 12:47 pm 
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My town is filled with ex-Brooklynites.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sat Jul 20, 2013 3:05 pm 
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Semen Strong
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Hehehe, I just met a whole passel of ex-Brooklynites at Edgemont today.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sun Aug 04, 2013 8:34 pm 
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***LIES!!!***
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I am finding my husband very irritating these days and having a hard time getting past it. I think we're stuck in a bad loop. The primary problem from my point of view is that he seems irritated or mad all the time and I am a) responding in kind and b) even when I try to specifically respond in a neutral way, he interprets it as being mean/bossy/mad, whatever. Ugh. Things have been kind of awesome on the kid front and it is annoying as fork for them to be less than awesome with my co-parent at the same time.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sun Aug 04, 2013 9:16 pm 
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Semen Strong
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That sucks Ariann! Maybe you can get a break to break the loop and reconnect? I had a doggydate with Cuddles today and it was awesome. If only I could get the time to do one with Brett! Sometimes its really nice to hang out with other people and see your partner through their eyes as his charming public personal. I remember thinking how incredibly awesome Brett was at Miles's birthday party, and how nice it was to see him that way instead of the guy who can't do anything right. Maybe we all need a giant double date, and to release our toddlers into a safe padded enclosure to play out all their madness

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Aug 06, 2013 7:03 pm 
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Nooch of Earl
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I can't believe nobody's yet opened dateplex with restaurants and a movie theater and a childcare center where they just make you change a diaper if needed (they could give you one of those buzzy flashy light things restaurants use!) like at the gym.

And yeah, Ariann - I was about to suggest sending him on deployment. A lot of people hate them, but I kind of like how the break makes you appreciate one another more.. And it's eye opening having only yourself to blame when stuff goes wrong!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Aug 06, 2013 7:05 pm 
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Semen Strong
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annak wrote:
And yeah, Ariann - I was about to suggest sending him on deployment. A lot of people hate them, but I kind of like how the break makes you appreciate one another more.. And it's eye opening having only yourself to blame when stuff goes wrong!


Would they take my cats? I am having a hard time appreciating them at the moment. Plus they would look adorbs in Navy whites.

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