| Register  | FAQ  | Search | Login 
It is currently Sat Dec 20, 2014 12:11 am

All times are UTC - 6 hours [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 674 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 23, 24, 25, 26, 27  Next
Author Message
 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sun Oct 06, 2013 10:59 pm 
Online
Semen Strong
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 7:10 pm
Posts: 19314
Location: Cliffbar NJ
I like Ariann's idea of writing down the time spent, because it makes it more clear that you really are doing a lot and it can help take out the anger and make the conversation one about concrete practicalities, where the tone is of trying to work together to find a balance that works for your marriage and family. I do understand praising your partner - I don't think that is treating him like another child, I think its modeling the validation that you wish he would give you.

At this point, I'd really look as hard as I can at the specifics of what I need, not at what my partner isn't doing, and ask for that in "I statements" -So "I need to be able to get a break and have a full night sleep three nights a week," for example, rather than "You sleep in every day and end up taking long naps, and I never get any real sleep because I'm up with our kid and then up until 2 am baking and then up again at 6 with our child. "

The risk with these conversations is that they so often feel like a zero sum game - like Mr PB is "not doing his share" and needs to give you more to be fair. And of course we all resist giving up the things we value, like free time or time to work on our business and bring money in etc, so in my experience, its really useful to find a way to not talk about it in shaming or blaming language but really concentrate on what it brings your partnership to shift the roles a bit. So then your partner can choose to give up something he values (free time with no one telling him what to do) for something he values even more.

I have been asking for more time alone, but it couldn't happen if B feels like its being taken away from him and the things he needs to do. We instead focus on what those breaks make possible for me, and because he loves me, we then try and have a non-charged conversation about what I need and how to provide it. For me and B, I talk about how much connection I feel when it feels like we're a partnership, or how good I feel when I can relax and rely on him to do things, and I think that sense of being loving and of service is more important to him, so he is willing to compromise on having unfettered time.

Sending you lots and lots of good thoughts! <3

_________________
My oven is bigger on the inside, and it produces lots of wibbly wobbly, cake wakey... stuff. - The PoopieB.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sun Oct 06, 2013 11:29 pm 
Offline
***LIES!!!***
User avatar

Joined: Sun Feb 12, 2012 4:10 pm
Posts: 3892
Also agree that praising your spouse for doing things he is supposed to do is a good idea. Everybody needs more praise. When you feel appreciated you naturally step up more.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Mon Oct 07, 2013 12:44 am 
Offline
Drunk Dialed Ian MacKaye
User avatar

Joined: Fri Nov 05, 2010 9:57 am
Posts: 1861
Location: Scotland
Oh, Poopie, I know how you feel. In my case, my husband makes most of the money (which is not all that much) and pays the bills and takes out the garbage, but it feels like I do pretty much everything else (cleaning, cooking, taking care of the kids, homeschooling, up all night with the baby, etc.). He's also a student (getting another degree in the hopes of getting a better job), so it seems like he either has work (from home) or schoolwork as an excuse for not helping with the kids (mostly I just want him to watch the kids/hold Vax so I can do some cleaning and cooking). I've tried talking to him about it, but he doesn't think the arrangement is unfair at all because I wanted lots of kids and knew it would take a lot of work. And he gets sulky sometimes if I don't make two proper meals a day (he can't cook at all), even though I feel like a contestant on Masterchef, the way he is always critiquing them (my last lot of bean brownies wasn't up to scratch, etc.) and he complains if I put in too much garlic or use ginger in savoury dishes or use Chinese 5-spice at all, etc. He does watch the kids once a day while I exercise, but I still feel like I am always busy doing something and he has time to check facebook and watch TV and I don't even have time to knit most days (the only reason I am on-line now is because I got up at 5am and everyone is asleep).

I honestly don't mind having the 1950s housewife role, but it would be easier on me if he didn't work from home (so he could help evenings and weekends or whenever he wasn't working).

I finally got him to agree to hold Vax and watch the kids while I get my hair cut, though. (After an argument where he said I should start cutting my own hair again, like I did for 12 years -- the Eton crop isn't really all that flattering on me anymore, though, and I can't give myself a bob.) Not sure when that's going to happen, but at least he agreed to it.

_________________
http://reallycrabbycrafter.blogspot.com
http://www.etsy.com/shop/TheTartanVicar


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sun Dec 22, 2013 7:52 pm 
Offline
Should Write a Goddam Book Already
User avatar

Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 9:00 am
Posts: 1076
I've been annoyed with my partner lately because I feel like he acts like he, as the stay at home parent, knows better than I do what her routine should be, and he acts annoyed with me if I feed her the "wrong" thing at the "wrong" time, etc. Any suggestions for getting past this kind of stuff?


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sun Dec 22, 2013 8:12 pm 
Online
Semen Strong
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 7:10 pm
Posts: 19314
Location: Cliffbar NJ
I don't know if this helps, because I'm the stay at home parent. Its really easy to feel like you know better when you're the one with the kiddo the whole time. So I basically remind myself that B is the parent as well, and we talk about the big parameters of her routine (to the extent she has one) and then I let the rest go. I think its like any other micromanaging in a relationship, you just need to let go and trust that your partner loves your child as well, and isn't going to do anything that is going to hurt her.

So maybe have a conversation about not wanting to feel micromanaged in your interactions with Scarlett?

_________________
My oven is bigger on the inside, and it produces lots of wibbly wobbly, cake wakey... stuff. - The PoopieB.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Wed Dec 25, 2013 4:59 pm 
Offline
Nooch of Earl
User avatar

Joined: Sun Dec 12, 2010 2:18 pm
Posts: 3750
Location: Bella Napoli
You might find it easier to find common ground/compromise/workable solutions if you find out more about why your partner thinks certain things need to happen at certain times.

Personally, I'm on the opposite side of this. I have no desire to micromanage but on the other hand I see how it affects V's mood and usually our Monday if "the schedule" gets too thrown off over the weekends. What has helped a bit is that my husband's started taking care of her for more of the weekend - like, actually taking her out of the house for a few hours at a time, which is wonderful when you're a SAHP. I don't necessarily want to go somewhere, sometimes I just like to sit at home and enjoy myself alone without having to buy a coffee or go to the gym or whatever places I can escape for a small amount of respite during the week. If V is late for her nap because my husband's been out at soccer and the playground and whatever for 5 hours, I'm a lot less irritated.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Dec 31, 2013 3:12 pm 
Offline
Top of the food chain & doesn't need to prove it

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 6:36 pm
Posts: 611
Location: West LA
My husband and I have this issue. I've framed it as "You'll get more help from me and more time for yourself if you let me take care of Phineas my way." I do have to reinforce this idea with periodic reminders, but it seems to have helped somewhat.

_________________
http://veggielawyer.wordpress.com


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Dec 31, 2013 4:30 pm 
Offline
The Real Hamburger Helper
User avatar

Joined: Thu Feb 17, 2011 10:13 pm
Posts: 2411
My partner is the SAHP and I think we have avoided this by planning in advance and making big decisions together. For example, we decided on a cut-off time for naps. If she hasn't napped by three, no nap. We both enforce this. We have some other rules about stuff that really matters to both of us and we agree to stick to those guidelines. Little stuff, we don't care. I think it's good for babynut to see different styles/negotiation.

But other than that, it helps that my partner is flexible. We both see weekends as less-structured time for everyone. If she sleeps late or misses a nap, so be it.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Wed Jan 01, 2014 1:11 am 
Offline
The Real Hamburger Helper
User avatar

Joined: Thu Feb 17, 2011 10:13 pm
Posts: 2411
My partner can be soooooo aggravating at times. Serenity now!

Toddler wakes up a few minutes before midnight...let's have her watch the ball drop instead of putting her back down before she really wakes all the way up! You're no fun, mama!

Yep, this is so fun. I was looking forward to sleep.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Wed Apr 02, 2014 7:11 am 
Offline
Seagull of the PPK
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 6:46 pm
Posts: 8502
Location: Brasil
BUMPITY BUMP!!

Baggy is desperate to get a facial piercing.
I told her when she does something momentous, like gets into her school for next year (she needs to take an entrance exam) I'll let her. Actually I told her she could get plugs, not a facial piercing. But i'm not going there right now either. By the by, I have not seen her study or even do homework since school started.

Yesterday, she was pushing me again about getting her septum pierced (and i said, did you get accepted to the school for next year, and she started crying) and I mentioned it to Mr T afterwards. He said "I don't understand why you don't just let her do what she wants."

Uh, cuz she's 14? She can't brush her teeth, forget about care for a facial piercing?

Sometimes I just feel like we are from different planets. I know it's cultural-- I am the parent, I am supposed to serve the child and give her whatever she wants, at all times. But I will not have my kid grow up to be a lazy, entitled, demanding piece of shiitake.

_________________
Buddha says 'Meh'.--matwinser
I'm just a drunk who likes fruit. -- Desdemona


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Wed Apr 02, 2014 9:21 am 
Offline
Should Write a Goddam Book Already
User avatar

Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 9:00 am
Posts: 1076
Is that seriously the parenting culture torque? How is it not mass chaos down there? Fascinating.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Wed Apr 02, 2014 9:44 am 
Online
Semen Strong
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 7:10 pm
Posts: 19314
Location: Cliffbar NJ
Ugh, I am sorry torque. That sounds so frustrating.

What happens if Baggy doesn't get into her school?

_________________
My oven is bigger on the inside, and it produces lots of wibbly wobbly, cake wakey... stuff. - The PoopieB.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Wed Apr 02, 2014 12:00 pm 
Offline
Attended Chelsea Clinton's Wedding
User avatar

Joined: Fri Dec 27, 2013 3:09 pm
Posts: 224
Sometimes I feel as though it was easier being a single parent than living with my partner. He doesn't really help a lot at the moment and with the housework and stuff I feel like I have two children instead of one. When he does help sometimes he's completely useless too - like this morning he gave my son a dry choc-chip bread roll for breakfast (home-made, kinda like teacakes with chocolate instead of dried fruit). what the fizzle. You're supposed to toast them and put margarine on! I don't think he sees childcare and my degree as being as important as his waged work either, and doesn't get why I get so upset about housework eating into my study time.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Wed Apr 02, 2014 4:47 pm 
Offline
Not a creepy cheese pocket person
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 2:17 pm
Posts: 4114
Location: Austin
I totally get the frustration of a partner not pulling their weight, but not toasting and margarin-ing a roll sounds like something you might let go unless it's literally inedible without toasting.

It helps to try to save the frustration for things that are dangerous, that are inconsistent with your family's values, or that create more necessary work. Though goodness knows it drives me crazy when my husband folds my pants wrong. But that's my problem, not his, because there's not really a Right Way to fold pants.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Wed Apr 02, 2014 8:12 pm 
Offline
Addicted to B12 Enemas
User avatar

Joined: Wed Mar 05, 2014 3:36 pm
Posts: 265
You're so right Mollyjade. I need to so let the little things go more often. My partner drives me up the wall sometimes.

_________________
https://www.etsy.com/ca/shop/Solkiki for stone ground, bean-to-bar, vegan, white, milk and dark, caramel and raw chocolate:
Like our new Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Solkiki/ ... 556?ref=hl
Low cost international shipping


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Thu Apr 03, 2014 8:53 am 
Offline
Seagull of the PPK
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 6:46 pm
Posts: 8502
Location: Brasil
mooo wrote:
Is that seriously the parenting culture torque? How is it not mass chaos down there?

it basically is mass chaos down here. there is a really large contingent of people who don't work who live off of parents/pensions/etc. So many adults are whiney, whiney, whiney in a way that makes me totally stabby. But they were taught to whine- you don't tell kids no, you don't let them cry, you let them run wild. It boggles my mind.

@tofulish, if the kid doesn't get into the new, better school, she will stay in her present school for high school (it's one of these 7th-12th type things). This school is so bad that I think it should have its name changed to Dr Pothead Teachers-Don't-Show-Up-to-33%-of-Classes State High School, so I hope she gets out.

we had a big talk this morning and she's got the normal teenage brain silliness going on really bad. Her emotions are all over the place. Yet after this big talk (as my phone/skype/email is pinging, buzzing and dinging like a war room and I desperately need to get back to work), what does she end with? "So when can I get my piercings?" uuuuuuuuugh

to bring it slightly back to topic, Mr T announced that his knee injury (from 8 months ago) is bothering him. I knew something was wrong, he's been off his game lately. So he went off for the ortho consult today, MRI as soon as he can get in. What is it with us and our knees. getting old sucks.

_________________
Buddha says 'Meh'.--matwinser
I'm just a drunk who likes fruit. -- Desdemona


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Thu Apr 03, 2014 11:46 am 
Offline
Attended Chelsea Clinton's Wedding
User avatar

Joined: Fri Dec 27, 2013 3:09 pm
Posts: 224
mollyjade wrote:
I totally get the frustration of a partner not pulling their weight, but not toasting and margarin-ing a roll sounds like something you might let go unless it's literally inedible without toasting.


Well, my son didn't eat it until I toasted it and spread margarine on it. I didn't bring it up with him or anything though, just sighed to myself and carried on with my day.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Thu Apr 03, 2014 11:50 am 
Offline
Chip Strong
User avatar

Joined: Sat Jan 07, 2012 10:55 pm
Posts: 967
Location: Hella Oakland, CA
mollyjade wrote:
It helps to try to save the frustration for things that are dangerous, that are inconsistent with your family's values, or that create more necessary work. Though goodness knows it drives me crazy when my husband folds my pants wrong. But that's my problem, not his, because there's not really a Right Way to fold pants.


That's super reasonable advice, mollyjade. Confession: I'm the one who Folds Things Wrong in my house.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Thu Apr 03, 2014 12:20 pm 
Offline
***LIES!!!***
User avatar

Joined: Sun Feb 12, 2012 4:10 pm
Posts: 3892
Division of Laundry Labor in my house: He carries 90% of the baskets up and down the stairs/across the courtyard/into the next building's basement, we both sort, he hangs everything hangable (I hang stuff wrong and don't enjoy it anyway), I fold shirts. Also, there is totally a right way to hang pants!

I will say that letting more stuff slide has just not been good for my mental health the past 7 years of marriage. Because the stuff itself puts me on edge (the sink full of dishes, the living room littered with dirty laundry) and then I also become apathetic and give up on creating order, and it's a vicious cycle.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Thu Apr 03, 2014 12:39 pm 
Offline
Nooch of Earl
User avatar

Joined: Sun Dec 12, 2010 2:18 pm
Posts: 3750
Location: Bella Napoli
There is a right way to fold pants (well, you don't fold them of course, but a right way to hang them over the hanger) because the last thing you want to do is add extra creases. Because double-creased pants just can't be worn, and you're doubling the amount of time it will take to iron them.

(Let's just say I got a lot of lectures on hanging up pants early in our relationship ;) )


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Thu Apr 03, 2014 1:00 pm 
Offline
Should Write a Goddam Book Already
User avatar

Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 9:00 am
Posts: 1076
Wow, neither of us have any idea how to fold properly and we don't put away our clean clothes until the next dirty load is ready to go in. All I ask is to not put crayons in the dryer.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Thu Apr 03, 2014 3:33 pm 
Offline
Seagull of the PPK
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 6:46 pm
Posts: 8502
Location: Brasil
annak wrote:
There is a right way to fold pants

i am cracking up. this is a military family pathology if i've ever heard one. (my father the drill sergeant tried his damndest and i still refuse to fold/hang the goddamn pants that way, and if you try to drop a quarter on my bed you are most likely to never see it again)

_________________
Buddha says 'Meh'.--matwinser
I'm just a drunk who likes fruit. -- Desdemona


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Thu Apr 03, 2014 5:27 pm 
Offline
***LIES!!!***
User avatar

Joined: Sun Feb 12, 2012 4:10 pm
Posts: 3892
I am mystified by the idea that there ISN'T a right way to fold pants :)


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sun Apr 06, 2014 5:24 pm 
Offline
Addicted to B12 Enemas
User avatar

Joined: Wed Mar 05, 2014 3:36 pm
Posts: 265
My little boy of 2 keeps picking his nose and giving himself nose bleeds. He's been doing this every day for a few weeks now. It's not a little bit of blood either, if you wouldn't know better you would say something serious happened when you see him the blood is streaming out and he doesn't seem to have a care in the world, which I'm sure he doesn't have. I hope it's just a phase and this will pass and he will stop being so interested in his nostrils. He puts food up there all of a sudden as well, When I was his age I once ended up in hospital having put marbles up my nose, so it must be just an age thing I guess.

_________________
https://www.etsy.com/ca/shop/Solkiki for stone ground, bean-to-bar, vegan, white, milk and dark, caramel and raw chocolate:
Like our new Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Solkiki/ ... 556?ref=hl
Low cost international shipping


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Apr 08, 2014 7:42 am 
Offline
Seagull of the PPK
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 6:46 pm
Posts: 8502
Location: Brasil
Solkiki, my brother was like that. And he had horrible nosebleeds too. It passes. my daughter has horrible nosebleeds (as did her father) and it's gotten less frequent- a few times a year now.

I had another visit from the Daddy Diva yesterday.
Yesterday (and this whole week) I am SWAMPED with work. Phone is ringing off the hook, and so yesterday Baggy was the biggest pain the asparagus and I got NO work done all morning- she needed help with her cell phone, which she seems to have ruined, stole my SD card and got caught red handed, needed help with the phone company fixing her account, etc. All involve her yelling at me at the top of her lungs. Then I get to blow an hour driving her to school and coming back. Then, FINALLY, at 2pm, I can settle in and get a days worth of work done, working like a demon. The work keeps coming in and I can see that through Easter, if not through the end of the month, I am going to be going at full steam. [should i mention here that my husband's entire extended family may or may not be coming to stay with us over the easter long weekend? of course, he doesn't know, "won't know til the day before", and i just got a big job for FIFA approved that is due, you guessed it, on easter. oh boy.]

Mr T came home, and I told him I needed some kind of help here to help me deal with her (meaning, like moral support, help with discipline a little instead of just telling her she can do whatever she wants). His response, of course, was "I will sell the shop and close my business so I can stay at home and take care of the kid that you can't take care of". And I don't think we've spoken since.
Well thanks, that was very helpful.

The upshot is, the kid is bothering him at his workplace today. I bet by tomorrow he'll find her a job somewhere.

_________________
Buddha says 'Meh'.--matwinser
I'm just a drunk who likes fruit. -- Desdemona


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 674 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 23, 24, 25, 26, 27  Next

All times are UTC - 6 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: annamal and 6 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group
Template made by DEVPPL/ThatBigForum and fancied up by What Cheer