Post Punk Kitchen Forum

Flava and torque, I'm so sorry to hear about both of your situations. ((hugs)) and hope for peace coming your way soon.

Flava and Torque - so sorry you're having a lousy time. Big hugs to you both.

So Brett agreed that I could have the first non-baby meal I have had since July with CQ and Larisa. I set him up ahead of time, called to make sure they were ok, and adhered to all the agreed upon time limits. I even called him to let him know when we were on the way home, and he was totally sweet. And he was still a jerk to me in front of CQ. The minute I walked in he was brusque and rude about needing to go, and so I called him on it.

His response is that he has work and was upset etc. but it still took him a while to get that its not okay to take your frustrations out on me. And to do it in public is just humiliating.

Oh and its our wedding anniversary, which both of us forgot.

happy anniversary?

Really glad you got a meal out, though.

Um, thanks?

It was unbelievably shitty. I had a nice meal out, got to talk to two lovely friends like adults and just generally felt great about myself. It would have been a great day if he had just managed to be nice for 5 minutes to take a photo of us and say a nice goodbye.

And I had (1) let him sleep in until 11 (he has a hurt hand), (2) done all his chores, (3) walked the dog, put the kidlet to sleep and fed her, so he literally had nothing to do for her but hang out for 2 hours.

I am really hurt and upset, even though he apologized. It makes it so hard for me to take time to do anything for myself when literally 100% of the time, he will be a dick about it. And then apologize like that fixes stuff.

It was sort of a sarcastic "doesn't sound like a very happy anniversary" "happy anniversary?" if that didn't get communicated well in writing.

I'm still glad you made good things happen for yourself, even if he was shitty about it. But I'm sorry he was shitty.

I just feel like I got slammed, because he has been being really sweet, and keeps on talking about how committed he is to making sure that I am supported and cared for and get a break for myself, and I really thought things would be different this time.

As partners, I would like us to be able to always agree that being rude to the other person is unacceptable. No matter how bad a day you've had, no matter how important what you have to do is. We don't ever take things out on Leela, and I don't see why I don't get the same courtesy

My husband just freaked out at me because I asked for 3 minutes to finish something before I took care of L. We had violent fight in front of Leela, because he wouldn't apologize. I shouldn't need one, I expect, just accept that he is triggered and being unkind. He did eventually apologize, but not before we had this horrible fight in front f Leela.

I just feel like he is really great and loving most of the time and then every once in a while he gets triggered and doesn't manage it like an adult. We have fallen in the pattern of me getting Sunday morning to drink coffee and rest in bed, which has been a saving grace for an otherwise hard week, but apparently he resents me because he feels like he never gets a day off. I feel like he gets to sleep for 8 hours every night and doesn't take care of her at all after she goes to bed, while I wake up every few hours to take care of her and nurse her etc. So what if I spend a little time on the internet? Mostly I am researching stuff for her, but once in a while a bit of adult conversation or watching a television show makes me feel good and I don't think that is a bad thing. I even think it makes me a better mother, because I can and do absorb so much during the day. And he is taking a new class in the city which means he isn't home one day a week and he goes to Atlanta to visit friends and take courses every month, and I have never made him feel like a bad parent for needing that time for himself.

Any way, it doesn't matter who is right or wrong, I am just incredibly hurt that he would call me a bad mother. Because everything I do, I do for Leela at this point.

Sorry, T. I feel like if you're going to call someone a bad parent, you'd better goddamn well mean it. Because it's such a low blow.

Oh Tofulish, the bad parent card is a low blow. It sounds like you know he doesn't really believe it, though, and even from my short time hanging out on the playground I can tell you are not!

Ugh, T-lish. Sorry about that.

T'lish, I'm wondering what you mean when you say he gets "triggered." The way that you report Brett communicating with you sometimes seems abusive and destructive, especially with Leela watching. I think I would probably just leave the house if my husband called me a bad parent.

I am bewildered about how he can resent your 3 minutes to finish whatever, your one haircut in six months, your Sunday morning drinking coffee, your one meal out with friends, when you have pretty cheerfully dealt with his many dinners with friends, his late nights playing poker, his going out and having second dinner after you made such an effort to cook for him, his trips out of town where he gets to enjoy 100% Brett time and zero parental responsibility, and his ***never having to parent overnight***. I mean, seriously? If you're keeping score, he hasn't even made it onto the board, but more importantly, the fact that he is trying to keep score is just totally shitty.

Thanks guys! We went out to dinner and its all better, but I just really can't see how to shift this pattern other than just trying to not get triggered when I am tired. Our fights only happen when I have had 2 or more days of poor sleep. Otherwise motherhood is really teaching me how to be less reactive. But tiredness is a killer for me.

Funnily enough, we are now eating our lunch and my husband is "coaching" a friend on his relationship for an hour. I'm not going to tell him that our kid isn't his priority though, but you know I could :)

Thanks for listening. I feel like such a dork because I thought marriage would be easier once we had kids because we'd have a common cause that would unite us but yeah.

yeah, kids are like the opposite of making marriage easier.

mr bird and i had sex for the first time since L was born, and the second time since August. i don't really like having sex when i'm pregnant... so basically i think i can count on one hand the number of times we've had sex in a year. which is depressing.

anyway, it was okay, except neither of us had an orgasm. i think we forgot how? and then one of the kids woke up, so there went that.

i miss it a lot. and i'm holding on to hope that it gets better. things were picking up again when we decided to get pregnant again... so maybe 2015 will be the year we actually get back on the horse?

Kids haven't made my marriage easier or harder, but I can totally sympathise with the husband never having night duty, hardly ever going out by myself without the kids (8 or 9 times in 3 years -- 3x for haircuts, once for a drink with my friend who came to visit, twice to the dentist (who totally twigged that as a SAHM, going to see the dentist (7 hrs round trip) was like having a vacation from the kids), and the rest were seeing the midwife),

Mr Crabby works from home and is working on an OU degree and I am totally looking forward to him getting a job outside the house (although that won't be for another 2.5+ years, more if he goes for his master's) because I actually feel like he will have more time for me and the kids. Not that he doesn't help during the day (he watches the kids at least an hour a day while I exercise and usually also watches them while I cook lunch and/or dinner), but at the moment, he is doing either work or school 7 days a week, unless he goes hiking or we have a grocery shopping day.

I don't mind that I have all the night duty, and do most of the caretaking. I wanted to attachment parent, and its important to me to be there for L.

The part that I thought was so unfair is that if I take even a few minutes to finish something while she is upset, he freaks out about it. She doesn't need me to drop everything immediately and if I take her while she is upset and calm her, it'll often take a really long time and then I'll have to start the thing I was doing from scratch. Last time it happened, I was filing a report on an abused dog, and ended up filing it so quickly (because I had a ton of information that I'd just taken from someone by phone and didn't want to lose it) that I didn't catch that my computer had autofilled the form with my name as the person who was abusing the dog.

She is absolutely my number one priority, but if her Dad has her, I don't see her being upset as so urgent that I need to drop everything and handle it immediately. I think he is fully able to sooth her for a minute or two. But he is really upset by her crying and I think it makes him feel like I'm abandoning her. He is a really good co-parent for the most part, but I think her crying makes him feel helpless. I've asked him to look at the behavior and try and take a deep breath next time, but again, the only person I can work on is me.

Oh and LB, nothing is less sexy than trying to listen for sounds of your kid waking up while you're having sex.

Agreed. Talk about a buzz-kill. I had no idea. Also pregnant sex, definitely was not my idea of a good time at all. I sympathize!

One thing is definitely less sexy...when toddler Raygold toddles in the room and sleepily announces, "I here...." He is cute as punch, but damn, if that didn't kill the moment.

Basically when Raygold came, no one else did?

Bwahahahahahahaha!

Yeah. Very depressing. We had a similar situation over here. Now at least we're having sex semi-regularly, but it's not nearly as spontaneous/fun as it used to be. Kicking the kid out of the bed has certainly helped. (She stayed in her room 10:30pm - 8am last night!!!!!)

But actually, having a kid has otherwise made my marriage way easier. We definitely feel closer, we definitely feel less guarded because now I've been seen at my total physical worst and I know I'm still loved. The downside is that we don't have as much time to have the higher-order conversations we used to, so we have to make deliberate time for that (and I miss that way more than sex). We almost never fight now, but when we do fight it somehow seems much less of an emergency and we're much quicker to get back to laughing.

The kidlet somehow seems to have made us more and less solid and the same time. K is a great dad and Freya already loves him to pieces. Yet, her arrival has stirred feelings (dreams of the future, longings for home) that we hadn't really dealt with before. Plus, y'know all the normal marriage crepe is exacerbated by getting like, no sleep (and very little exercise or sex..I feel like I am a subject in some sort of horrible psychological study some days).

Pregnancy sex = way fun, imo except for the beginning when I was exhausted and once when I (tmi alert) realized that my giant self was sorta crushing the man and he was not keen to say anything (thankfully I asked and he admitted his discomfort so we didn't have any broken ribs or anything).

i have to say, kids have made my marriage stronger and better, but yeah, easier is not what i'd use to describe it. our fights are more intense and shorter... we just get it all out there, whereas before we were more likely to stew over something. now, if it's important, i just forking say it, because we've got two kids and a house that needs seeing to, and if it's not important, i drop it. i have no time for petty arguments!

i dunno. it's interesting to consider what our relationship would be like without kids.

Despite having a rough first year, we are stronger than ever now and I think our relationship is going really well. I think we are communicating better, we are more gentle with each other and more tolerant. I agree with lb, we just don't have the time or energy to deal with the small crepe anymore.