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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Fri Mar 08, 2013 11:01 pm 
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Semen Strong
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Yes, trustworthy people are so hard to find! My MIL lives 10 mins away but has zero respect for our boundaries or interest in caring for L and her house is basically a toddler death trap - all unguarded stairs, crazy dog and breakable tchotchkes. My father and stepmother really want us to fly to Austria, stay there and let them watch L for an evening, which would be amazing in theory. The problem is that it would be a fun week of being ignored by my father and told how to raise my kid by my stepmother. And its an expensive, 8 hour international flight with bonus jetlag. I do love Vienna though, and Gasthof Schillinger is incredible. And mmmmm vegan bratwurst. Its been 2.5 years since I've been back and it is pretty much my favorite city. L would probably love it too - they live outside the city in this beautiful area right in the marshes of the Danube and there is a cool nature center by the house and wonderful things to do. My stepsister even has a bike I could borrow with a kiddie seat and baby helmet.... And no one else in our families has any interest in L and babysitting is surprisingly hard. Its not really what most people want to do with their time off. And of course we think she is the center of the universe, so anything less than full adoration will not do.

And we now have a plan for me to get one morning off (Thursdays :)) in addition to Sunday morning, so I'll be in Starbucks very soon :) The courses are a sacred cow though and there is no way B is giving those up. We did have a good conversation today over how we need to find ways to connect, so I hope things get better. Its just frustrating working with this weird immature communication pattern where someone shuts down if they don't like something, instead of using their words to explain and be responsible for their reaction and asking for help in creating an outcome that they want. I do think that if that communication pattern shifted, we could be a lot more connected. Its very adolescent because he ends up holding me hostage to his moods and that is not useful in a relationship of equals. Its kind of like a tantrum. I should probably just think of it as GD practice :)

I am so excited for you going to Vida Vegan Con JENNA! Its going to be so fun to follow along on your blog!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Fri Mar 08, 2013 11:28 pm 
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The Real Hamburger Helper
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Tofulish wrote:

Most of our problems would fade into insignificance if we had more time and more money :) Which I suspect is not uncommon :)


+1000

Money and time are so elusive in my life.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Mar 19, 2013 9:08 pm 
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Cooperative parenting win today. It's my day off, so we were both home with Malka. I woke up at the ungodly hour she decided to get up at (she didn't nap yesterday and went to bed at 7, not her usual 10). Played with her for a couple hours, made pancakes, she got sleepy, I brought her into bed and we took a nap. An hour or so into the nap my husband got out of bed and ate the pancakes I made, Malka slept another hour, then he played with her for an hour or so. I got up (I got a 4 hour nap!), took her downstairs and played with the downstairs neighbors for a bit, then took her to the local mall indoor playspace (grr, rain). Husband met me there, took the kid to the gym and I went to do a speaking thing for work. They went swimming together, then he put her in gym childcare for a couple hours and worked out. We all got home at the same time, I took my half hour turn trying to get her to go to sleep and now he's in there. Very successful day.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Mar 19, 2013 9:58 pm 
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I don't know if this is super on-topic, but I could probably give some advice about finding a babysitter you trust, having been on the other side of it a ton.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Wed Mar 20, 2013 7:47 am 
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Semen Strong
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I think that would be awesome and probably warrants its own thread, given how often people ask about that!

I have no idea how you would find a babysitter or know if they were trustworthy. I had nannies when I was a kid, and one in particular was great, most were fine, but one stuck me in a closet when I would cry, so that was super.

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But on a cold winter night, when the wind whispers through the trees and a bright, white moon hangs heavy in the air, you might hear a sad cry like someone thinking he knows what's best for you, and that'll be the white man a-passin' you by. just mumbles


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Wed Mar 20, 2013 5:48 pm 
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Ugh, Tofulish, it breaks my heart to hear stories like that. I have met so very many MANY people working with children who just didn't even seem to like them. What the hell? Urgh.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Wed Mar 20, 2013 6:10 pm 
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Semen Strong
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Awww thanks! It was a one off, I guess. I was sick and nothing she could do would calm me, so instead of calling my parents, she put me in the closet. My parents came home unexpectedly and figured that one out.

I came here to post something rather sweet. B brought home a box of wooden toy "food," having carefully triaged out the fake meat and cheese :) We had a good conversation, and I'm definitely getting a lot more appreciation and support, which is great.

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But on a cold winter night, when the wind whispers through the trees and a bright, white moon hangs heavy in the air, you might hear a sad cry like someone thinking he knows what's best for you, and that'll be the white man a-passin' you by. just mumbles


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Wed Mar 20, 2013 6:42 pm 
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strawberryrock wrote:
I don't know if this is super on-topic, but I could probably give some advice about finding a babysitter you trust, having been on the other side of it a ton.


It would be awesome of you to start a thread with advice. I'm sure it would help a lot of people!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Thu Mar 21, 2013 12:18 pm 
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Kelly wrote:
strawberryrock wrote:
I don't know if this is super on-topic, but I could probably give some advice about finding a babysitter you trust, having been on the other side of it a ton.


It would be awesome of you to start a thread with advice. I'm sure it would help a lot of people!



Yeah totally! Also, I would love some insight from people about babysitters in general because we always are nervous about strangers coming in our house - sadly, a lot of our issues with trust is not just about the kids but about people judging us (I don't explain this very well, I guess I just mean that we have some possibly offensive stuff on our walls and we've had some nightmare scenario in our heads that some super-Christian person is going to freak out because we have children in that environment. Yes, I realize it sounds like we have a persecution complex or something but I'm just being honest.)

well, that got WAY off-topic. I am also here to post that H and I just celebrated 8 years together. It's absolutely wild, because when we got together (we'd known each other from the scene for a few years before that too) we were partying hard and struggling with the abuse of various drugs. We've pretty much been inseparable from the very beginning and our closeness continually evolves...parenthood has certainly changed us, but our relationship isn't that different! Household dynamics have obviously changed, because he now does 98% of the housework when before, when we both worked, I definitely did more. But we are definitely partners, and in most ways I think we are an amazing team! We have a lot of plans for the future and feel confident that we can handle whatever comes, I think.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Thu Mar 21, 2013 12:19 pm 
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Semen Strong
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Congratulations! What an amazing journey!

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But on a cold winter night, when the wind whispers through the trees and a bright, white moon hangs heavy in the air, you might hear a sad cry like someone thinking he knows what's best for you, and that'll be the white man a-passin' you by. just mumbles


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Thu Mar 21, 2013 12:33 pm 
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thanks! marriage is still a plan, once I get around to getting divorced, but we sometimes joke that we'll wait until the kids are old enough to be our witnesses.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Fri Mar 22, 2013 1:30 am 
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Aww T'fu...I wish I lived closer, I would totally come hang out with Leela and do the hokey pokey anytime.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 2:17 pm 
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Audrey wrote:
thanks! marriage is still a plan, once I get around to getting divorced, but we sometimes joke that we'll wait until the kids are old enough to be our witnesses.



I don't mean to be a killjoy here, but aren't you concerned about how things would be handled if something happened to one of you? What about survivor benefits for social security/pensions? Medical powers of attorney/living wills and decision making? Do you have regular wills laying out custody agreements and would they hold up to a legal challenge from an absentee spouse? I would be terrified of living in this sort of situation, with very little legal protection whatsoever for myself and my daughter should something happen to my husband (or he just decide to split).


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 2:36 pm 
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annak wrote:
Audrey wrote:
thanks! marriage is still a plan, once I get around to getting divorced, but we sometimes joke that we'll wait until the kids are old enough to be our witnesses.



I don't mean to be a killjoy here, but aren't you concerned about how things would be handled if something happened to one of you? What about survivor benefits for social security/pensions? Medical powers of attorney/living wills and decision making? Do you have regular wills laying out custody agreements and would they hold up to a legal challenge from an absentee spouse? I would be terrified of living in this sort of situation, with very little legal protection whatsoever for myself and my daughter should something happen to my husband (or he just decide to split).


Now annak has brought it up, let me just ad that if you died without a will, your legal spouse would get a portion of your assets (I think it would be 50% to you with the remaining 50% split between your children). Your partner wouldn't get anything, and he has been out of the workplace with you living off your income. Dealing with support for your children if your current partner splits isn't an issue if he has a acknowledged paternity, which I am sure he has. If he hasn't, it becomes as issue, because the children are presumed to be from your existing marriage, so you or your current partner would have to challenge the assumption that your ex is the father - not a problem, it would just take time and money. And yes, medical visitations and powers of attorney are an issue/

Is there a reason you're not finalizing the divorce? Its really easy to do in Brooklyn, if your ex would consent. I hope this doesn't sound judgemental, and I am sure you have it handled, but its worth asking a family lawyer or a trusts and estates specialist about the ramifications, just so you don't get blindsided. You work for a lawyer, right (sorry if I got this wrong!)? Does he have any connections that might be willing to help you?

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But on a cold winter night, when the wind whispers through the trees and a bright, white moon hangs heavy in the air, you might hear a sad cry like someone thinking he knows what's best for you, and that'll be the white man a-passin' you by. just mumbles


Last edited by Tofulish on Mon Mar 25, 2013 2:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 2:37 pm 
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annak, I do see your point here. I tend to ignore all the aspects that make not being married a problem because its not an issue with anyone in my or Howard's extended family - if something happened to me, for example, my family would never contest Howard's parental rights or his right to any $ that would have been mine. (Ha the idea of a pension is a nice one, but neither of us are in a position to have one anyway.) And the situation with my husband is that we are all good friends who've known each other for years etc and he has zero interest in interfering in any part of our lives - he'd be the last person on earth to try and get custody of kids that aren't his to begin with.
But really your post made me think about how we need to have some things made official, because we've never really decided who we'd want to take the kids if something happened to us both, etc.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Mar 26, 2013 8:38 am 
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I've done a few divorces in NYC, and they are so straightforward if you have no money or property.

Also, I learned the hard way, that people can surprise you after a loved one passes away. I would never have expected my sister to create so many problems around the execution of my mother's estate, but she did. My cousin and her brother were really close and lived together until she was 30 and he was 25, when they married another very close brother/sister pair. Her husband and his wife had a falling out over an $8,000 inheritance, and they haven't spoken in 20 years. They have grown kids who haven't seen each other. Money changes things.

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But on a cold winter night, when the wind whispers through the trees and a bright, white moon hangs heavy in the air, you might hear a sad cry like someone thinking he knows what's best for you, and that'll be the white man a-passin' you by. just mumbles


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Mar 26, 2013 1:31 pm 
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Tofulish knows what she's talking about. Your situation is a timebomb; if you were to die today, you'd leave a legal morass for everyone which will be expensive and complicated to clear up - even if they are all in complete agreement of what should happen.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Mar 26, 2013 3:43 pm 
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Ah I just saw the earlier post from Tofulish. I guess I'm just more concerned about what would happen if both my partner and I were to die...the marriage thing doesn't concern me because well, let's just say, our finances are very simple (I get a paycheck and that's it.) I don't stand to inherit anything from anyone and we don't own a house or anything like that so I suppose the only asset is social security, which I realize poses a problem, but it's not like we're talking about a fortune here. I am extremely confident about my husband doing the right thing, always. He and I have spoken about the divorce many times, just have not gotten it together to file anything (I do see him a few times a year but he lives in Philly now.)

The more I think about it though, if I died tomorrow, Howard would be in some financial straits but that would happen whether or not we were married.

I do work for an attorney, who doesn't handle this type of law, but we have some professional relationships with attorneys who do estate/trusts. Perhaps at least taking care of medical powers of attorney is something we need to do soon.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Mar 26, 2013 4:43 pm 
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Audrey wrote:
The more I think about it though, if I died tomorrow, Howard would be in some financial straits but that would happen whether or not we were married.


No one is saying you should get married, just that you not being divorced from your ex has the potential to cause some serious delays in the estate process, if you don't have a will. If you die intestate, then your spouse has a legal claim to your assets (as do your children), and is likely to be the automatic choice for administrator/executor of your estate. To counteract that presumption, Howard would have to jump through some hoops and might have to have a court adjudge him the executor. Just paying for legal fees for preparing, filing and arguing the case would mean a few hundred dollars for your estate, even if no one contested anything. And you may want H to have a general POA, not just a medical one and vice versa.

But, definitely talk to a T&E specialist and find out what your options are! Internet legal advice is worth about what you pay for it :)

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Mar 26, 2013 7:24 pm 
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Audrey wrote:
Ah I just saw the earlier post from Tofulish. I guess I'm just more concerned about what would happen if both my partner and I were to die...the marriage thing doesn't concern me because well, let's just say, our finances are very simple (I get a paycheck and that's it.) I don't stand to inherit anything from anyone and we don't own a house or anything like that so I suppose the only asset is social security, which I realize poses a problem, but it's not like we're talking about a fortune here. I am extremely confident about my husband doing the right thing, always. He and I have spoken about the divorce many times, just have not gotten it together to file anything (I do see him a few times a year but he lives in Philly now.)

The more I think about it though, if I died tomorrow, Howard would be in some financial straits but that would happen whether or not we were married.

I do work for an attorney, who doesn't handle this type of law, but we have some professional relationships with attorneys who do estate/trusts. Perhaps at least taking care of medical powers of attorney is something we need to do soon.



Yeah, but like Tlish is saying (and she probably knows way more about this stuff than I do, and a family lawyer would know way way more than both of us put together, I'm sure), a) people's actions are unpredictable, especially when death and money are involved, and b) even if everyone involved DOES have the best of intentions, being legally married to a third party can complicate life for your children and your partner should something happen to you.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Mar 26, 2013 10:15 pm 
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I would actually be more worried about the state's actions than your ex- and current partners'. At least in NY presumed paternity of the husband is rebuttable (sp?) until age 21 (in some states it's irrebuttable, which would be way bad news), but it's going to be a PITA either way. The state assumes that your legal husband is the father of your children. What if something happened to you and at some point along the line (when signing up Dahlia for kindergarten maybe, or even further down the line) the state has some reason to care about the paternity of your children and decides to take the kids from Howard until they figure it out in one way or another? I could see a situation like that getting way complicated, really fast, in bad ways.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Mar 26, 2013 10:30 pm 
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I mentioned that in my first post, but thought only about support from H or in the event of a death, but you're right, it might have implication for schools etc.

And rereading my post, you would want to check with a family lawyer to see if the certificate of paternity which H probably signed acknowledging that he is the father of your children, when they were born, would trump the assumption that your ex is the father.

Quote:
If the mother was married at the time the child was conceived or born, her husband is considered to be the legal father of the child, even though he might not be the biological father, unless a court decides that he is not the father. A copy of the paternity petition must be served upon the husband to notify him about the court case. After he is served, a judge may make a ruling concerning his relationship to the child. If the judge decides that the husband is not the father, the paternity case against the other alleged father may continue.

http://www.nycourts.gov/courts/nyc/fami ... nity.shtml

There is a possibility that the certification of paternity isn't enough and you would need to go to court and first show that your ex is not the father and then petition for H to be acknowledged as the father.

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But on a cold winter night, when the wind whispers through the trees and a bright, white moon hangs heavy in the air, you might hear a sad cry like someone thinking he knows what's best for you, and that'll be the white man a-passin' you by. just mumbles


Last edited by Tofulish on Tue Mar 26, 2013 10:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Mar 26, 2013 10:34 pm 
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Yeah, I know, I was just underlining it! Being in that situation would freak me the fork out.

And I'm actually an example of a person whose presumed parentage had serious implications. My mother was married to (but no longer living with) someone when I was born, who was not my biological father (and everybody was aware of this). But he was the person who had to sign away parental rights so that I could be adopted by my mother's second husband. My biological father didn't even have the opportunity to assert parental rights. What if she had died at some point in there, before I was adopted? I probably would've just gone into the system because her husband certainly didn't want me. It's not a good position for your kids to be in.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Mar 26, 2013 10:49 pm 
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Yikes! Ariann, your family history is like a law school exam or a Lifetime movie!

You're right, honestly, I had only thought in passing about support issues, but you're right that paternity affects a lot more than just child support.

And as annak says, it is really scary how fast things change once death and money are involved. I wouldn't have ever expected the craziness that happened around my mother's estate, and that was from my only sister, whom I was always close to and who is very financially stable and sensible.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 8:15 am 
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audrey, you should really look into life insurance. fixed term is usually the best choice when you're talking about covering your spouse and children. we have fixed term 20 years, and we don't plan on renewing, because at that point our children will be adults, and neither of us will need the financial support of the other. however, if we get to 20 years and one of us isn't working or either of our children still require our financial support, we might get more coverage.

if you have one stay at home spouse, it's really important to have that coverage. my husband is covered for a greater amount, since he makes most of our income, but i am insured too. if i were the stay at home, i'd still be insured, because if i died, my spouse would have to pay for child care.

do it now, while you're young and healthy! both of us qualified for their super cheap plans because of our health and age.


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