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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Mon Apr 22, 2013 6:01 pm 
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Butternut wrote:
I'm having similar problems, Tofulish. My partner, the SAHP, is an ultra runner. He's getting ready for a 100 mile race in a few weeks which requires lots of all day runs for his training. I'm so sick of working all week, going to my grad classes, and doing homework, and then spending all weekend alone (with babynut) while he runs. It's like we tag-team child care; we are never together.

I told him how unhappy this is making me and how I want him to cut back on races after he finishes this one he is training for and he got so annoyed with me. He doesn't seem to realize that we are both working all week during business hours. I take over when I get home (from my full-time job) and he thinks he can do whatever he likes. When do I get my break? When do we spend time together? Blah! I am so tired and lonely.


If you substitute, "sit on his asparagus and play video games or watch youtube videos" for "ultra running," this is my husband. He thinks it's totally fine that I work 50 hours during the week and then act as the sole caregiver for our baby at night and during the weekends because "he needs a break." If I suggest a family activity or ask him to watch the baby for a while, I get a huge eyeroll that makes me feel like I have both a baby and a surly teenager at home. I kind of feel better reading through everyone's posts. It's like I got a chance to vent by reading everyone else's venting.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Apr 23, 2013 1:03 pm 
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My partner's job is going to be cut in September. We can't live on my salary or savings. She's going to have to find another full time job, this uncertainty is just not needed right now. It's all complicated and awful. I wish we didn't live in NYC but we're not in a position to pick up and move, either. Feeling a little panicky.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Apr 23, 2013 1:06 pm 
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I am so sorry Friday. I hope she finds a good position in the next few months so that things feel less stressful for you both. Big hugs to you both.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Apr 23, 2013 1:12 pm 
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Thanks. Need a fairy godmother or something. This all just sucks.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Apr 23, 2013 1:36 pm 
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Oh no Friday! Best of luck. What field? (I always ask this because, who knows, maybe I or somebody reading this knows somebody who could help)


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Apr 23, 2013 3:18 pm 
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Tofulish wrote:
I wanted to set up garden, he agreed to get me raised bed and install them etc, but now every time I want to go get stuff, he wants to rediscuss everything from scratch - so we agreed on raised beds 3 months ago, but today again he was all "Hey, let's just plant them in the dirt and see how they do." It feels like it takes every ounce of effort for me not to just give up - and the only reason I don't is that I want L to have nice things and nice memories. Our yard is basically an unfenced in dog and cat toilet - I'd like there to be something in the yard for her and to fence it in to keep her safe. But instead its just a lot of excuses and reasons as to why he can't do it and helpful suggestions that he makes but won't follow up on. So we have now had these conversations for months and he is outwardly somewhat helpful but refuses to do anything to actually set up the yard. And yes, I know I could do it myself, but doing it all with no help and a toddler running around just sounds like hell. Esp because whatever I do will end up being criticized with his "helpful" comments about how he could have done it cheaper and better and blahblahblah.


Tofulish, you might be surprised. Maybe if you did it yourself and just focused on the enjoyment of working in the garden instead of the resentment of not having help to do it, you could reframe your emotional outlook. Working in the yard that isn't fenced in with a toddler has it's own challenges. I got Lorelei a couple of toy garden tools and a watering can and put her boots on, get her a couple of toys and she loves being out there with me.

Negative people can make the most enjoyable things seem horrible... if we let them

As far as the cost goes, you could have a perennial garden and remind him that it is mostly just upkeep after the initial investment. Also, if you are going to plant veggies and fruits, the fact that it will be much cheaper than the grocery store.

Our garden certainly wasn't cheap, but we tried to save where we could. We found rocks and driftwood from the surrounding area to make our garden beds.

Image

I feel like you should have a garden too!

Maybe you could take it slow and plant a few things at a time? The bed under the window is small and just has some spring blooming bulbs.

You could reuse materials or find cheap materials. Check out this pallet planter:

Image

I did a search for recycled planters and there are some really cool images using everything from old car tires, to soda bottles. You could make it a fun project for you and Leela to both enjoy.

I hope it works out for you, and you find some sort of compromise. It's so nice to have things you can enjoy with your daughter.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Apr 23, 2013 3:22 pm 
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On that note, could you get another mom friend or non mom friend to come over and play with Leela while you plant the garden? She may want to help but it would be awesome to have someone else entertain her while you focus on the garden!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Apr 23, 2013 4:57 pm 
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littlebear wrote:
On that note, could you get another mom friend or non mom friend to come over and play with Leela while you plant the garden? She may want to help but it would be awesome to have someone else entertain her while you focus on the garden!


If you're willing to wait another couple weeks, I'll be in NJ with pretty much nothing to do for most of May, and would love to play with Leela for a while.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Apr 23, 2013 5:04 pm 
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Oh Larisa, you are the sweetest <3 <3 <3

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Apr 23, 2013 11:12 pm 
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I anticipate having quite a bit of free time in May, too. I could also help with Leela, or I could help you play in the garden while Larisa plays with Leela, or we could all rotate...somethin' like that :D

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Apr 23, 2013 11:27 pm 
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We should have a garden party! Brett actually has been supersweet, and we went out and picked out raised beds.

And I have been really sick (lung infection) so he took the day off, took me to the MD, took care of Leela and went to get me my RX and came home with all my favorite dishes from Veggie Heaven. He has just been really sweet and we talked about what it would take to just be kinder with one another, so I hope things get better

You are both so lovely <3 The PPK is the best <3

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Wed Apr 24, 2013 12:21 am 
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I'm glad he's been treating you well and hope you're on the mend soon, Tlish! I bet Leela would love her own little garden tool set if such a thing exists, and more importantly, the PPK would love to see pictures of TEENY GARDENING LEELA.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Wed Apr 24, 2013 8:07 am 
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Grey has a Grey-sized rake, so I am sure there are other small gardening tools.

Also, I hope I am not the crasshole for saying this, but tofulish it seems like there is a pattern here. Every few weeks or so you post about how Brett is being a huge jerk and you tell us stories of what has happened, we are all shocked and tell you it is abusive. Then you come back, defend him and a couple days later tell us something nice he has done. I'm not saying you can't vent here, we all need to do that, but I think this pattern is worrisome. Perhaps the fights are not as bad as you make them seem when you are mad, but this just seems like an unhealthy pattern. I hope I'm not stepping on any toes!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Wed Apr 24, 2013 8:57 am 
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I have one friend who I vent to about Mr Crabby and she vents to me about her husband -- we do it because we're both non-judgmental and kind of know how it goes (what I mean by that is most of her friends tell her to either get a forking divorce or manipulate him into submission by withholding sex, etc. when she just wants to get it off her chest, maybe get a little sympathy, and move on; I used to vent to a friend of mine (she has a submissive boyfriend and they never argue because he just does whatever she tells him to) and she would just be all, "oh, you guys!" or "hey, at least you don't argue about money like everyone else I know" or "oh, I like your husband" -- which are not bad responses, but sometimes I just want a little, "Oh, man, I have so been there! Let me tell you about the fight *we* had about taking the garbage out!").
I also think it's hard to judge a relationship based on how you vent about someone when you're angry.

I feel like if I vented here about when Mr Crabby and I argue, you guys would think we were the biggest pair of douchebag croissants ever, even though (a) most of our arguments last fewer than 10 minutes (b) we mostly argue about dumb shiitake (c) we argue waaay the fork less than, say, my parents and, say, these guys: http://mydrunkwife.ytmnd.com/ (NSFW)
(We've been fighting more than usual lately, usually we just bicker like Fred & Ethel on I love Lucy -- I think the alpha-blockers he went on recently are making him really irritable and he says it's just a coincidence and that I'm more irritable because I'm pregnant -- which is kind of true, but I've been crabby this whole time, so why have we been fighting more lately, and I told him we already have one bisque in the house and that's me and I'm not stepping aside to let him be the alpha-bisque, and blah blah blah blah.) ;D

BTW, I'm not judging anybody's responses here, just putting in my opinion.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Wed Apr 24, 2013 9:25 am 
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I'm beginning to see that I must come from a freakishly calm family, at least as far as yelling is concerned. I can remember maybe three times in my life that I heard my parents raise their voices at each other, and all of those times, it lasted about 10 seconds before they realized what they were doing and calmed down.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Wed Apr 24, 2013 9:46 am 
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Larisa wrote:
I'm beginning to see that I must come from a freakishly calm family, at least as far as yelling is concerned. I can remember maybe three times in my life that I heard my parents raise their voices at each other, and all of those times, it lasted about 10 seconds before they realized what they were doing and calmed down.

LUCKY!!!

Even at our worst (the last month, IMO), we argue SO much less than my parents. I'm not sure if it was worse when I got dragged in to my parents' fights (I got blamed for a lot of them, too) or when I got woken up in the middle of the night by one of their dumb fights.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Wed Apr 24, 2013 10:16 am 
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As an aside: Tiny gardening tools do exist... E & M have a spade/hoe/rake set that they trundle around with. What they really, really love though is the (normal) watering can. Most hotly contested item in our garden by far. (They also like my gardening gloves a lot. Close second.)

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Wed Apr 24, 2013 10:25 am 
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TheCrabbyCrafter wrote:
Larisa wrote:
I'm beginning to see that I must come from a freakishly calm family, at least as far as yelling is concerned. I can remember maybe three times in my life that I heard my parents raise their voices at each other, and all of those times, it lasted about 10 seconds before they realized what they were doing and calmed down.

LUCKY!!!

Even at our worst (the last month, IMO), we argue SO much less than my parents. I'm not sure if it was worse when I got dragged in to my parents' fights (I got blamed for a lot of them, too) or when I got woken up in the middle of the night by one of their dumb fights.


The downside of that is that I have no mechanism for coping with yelling. If someone starts yelling at me, I either freeze or break down crying. I'm great at rational calm debates, but when people start yelling, I just have no idea what to do, and it's like my brain just shuts down. Last summer, I got into a minor car accident (which I swear was entirely the other driver's fault), but the other driver got out of her car and started screaming at me, "Are you a forking idiot?" and I literally couldn't respond. I was standing there, looking at her, and it was like whatever connection there is that makes my brain think of words and my mouth say them just stopped working, and all I could do was stand there.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Wed Apr 24, 2013 10:32 am 
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I dunno Larissa... I grew up in a household full of shouting and name calling, and I can't handle either as an adult. (Maybe there's some happy middle ground where if your parents only shout a *little*, you learn to be ok with shouting, heh.)

It's always interesting to read this thread. Some things in here would be non-issues for me, some would be deal breakers, some are really familiar. At the end of the day, I think we all just have our own boundaries on what we find acceptable or problematic etc.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Wed Apr 24, 2013 10:43 am 
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Larisa, my various groupings of parents never, ever yelled at each other, but my mother yelled at us kids a LOT. I do not cope well with people raising their voices to me, especially my husband. I refuse to speak to him when his tone gets out of hand (and he has no awareness of his tone or loudness). His family fights and yells at each other CONSTANTLY (no name calling, though) and I would say they are a MUCH happier family than mine ever was. His parents are still together, the kids unequivocally love their parents and think of helpful things to do for them, the parents unequivocally love and support their kids. My husband and I don't really fight, but he's afraid of me being too quiet and I'm afraid of him being loud, so our fights tend to be weird when they do happen.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Wed Apr 24, 2013 11:21 am 
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Friday wrote:
Thanks. Need a fairy godmother or something. This all just sucks.


I'm sorry. That really stinks. I hope your partner is able to find something else that she's happy with.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Wed Apr 24, 2013 11:50 am 
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coldandsleepy wrote:
I dunno Larissa... I grew up in a household full of shouting and name calling, and I can't handle either as an adult.

OMG, me, too. That and lectures (which I got a lot of when I was a kid). I will totally stop talking to someone forever if they get all condescending-lecturey on me or yell at me like a crazy person (it's only happened a few times). I'm sure that's part of why the arguments I have with Mr Crabby don't last more than about 10 minutes. We do raise our voices and I know I tend to shout first -- I tend to be a loudmouth to begin with -- (and I tend to yell, "stop shouting at me!" when he gets too loud), but if he starts shouting, I can start freaking out.

Side-story: I was watching a shop for a friend once and some crazy lady came in and they didn't have the yarn she wanted and she yelled at me so hard, I was completely unable to defend myself. Usually I am good at being bisque-y, but if I start getting yelled at out of the blue, I gimp out hardcore.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Wed Apr 24, 2013 12:06 pm 
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I think it's healthy to argue and disagree about things. You are modeling how to negotiate and compromise (if kids are in the mix). I think it's a bit creepy when a couple never fights. It makes me suspect a power imbalance or a lack of passion (not sexual, but of the I-care-about-this variety).

Of course you don't have to yell in order to argue. I struggle with that sometimes but I'm aware of it. My partner considers any kind of critism to be the same as yelling. Yelling is volume and tone in my opinion.

So yes, we sometimes argue about what yelling means.

And I think this is a good place to vent. I'm not expecting anyone to fix my relationship or diagnose us.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Wed Apr 24, 2013 1:50 pm 
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I feel like my husband and I have a great relationship and we never fight BUT the one time (that I know of) that my husband got really mad about something he completely shut down and did the whole silent treatment bit which was exactly what my mother did when I was growing up and I am totally not into that. We have friends that seem to constantly be in an argument or having a major blow-out fight, but apparently that works for them - I would be a mess if I lived like that though!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Wed Apr 24, 2013 2:15 pm 
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Butternut wrote:
I think it's healthy to argue and disagree about things. You are modeling how to negotiate and compromise (if kids are in the mix). I think it's a bit creepy when a couple never fights. It makes me suspect a power imbalance or a lack of passion (not sexual, but of the I-care-about-this variety).


I generally agree with this. But also, some couples have actually figured their shiitake out and figured out how not to argue about stuff that doesn't really matter or have limited the things they've decided are worth arguing about (cases where the argument may be more important than the stress that may be introduced into the relationship). Except in moments of great stress (such as The Shitty Pukathon of recent weeks), my husband and I almost never argue these days. Even then, we're doing more quibbling over minor annoyances that are extra grating because of the stress rather than real arguments. We've had ten years (in two days!) to figure each other out - in the beginning we had frequent major fights over philosophical disagreements or frustrating personality traits. Eventually we came to agree on almost all of the philosophical stuff and to accept the personality differences or commit to working on changing ourselves when we could. When we're failing on the personal change stuff we agreed to, the other reminds us, and we get back on track. It doesn't require a fight. We also decided that we don't both care about every little family decision that has to be made, some of which might lead to arguments - some decisions are mine, some are his. We trust each other to make the right decisions for our family because we have the same values and we're both working toward our mutual good. We also got really specific about when a personal decision became a shared decision that required consultation, so neither of us ever feels like we got left out of a decision we should've been able to weigh in on.

We don't have a perfect relationship, but we definitely have a really solid, committed, passionate one, and it is almost entirely fight-free.

I know another couple who've been married about 15 years who NEVER fight. They're just NICE to each other, all the time. At first I found it really weird, but now I see that they are just unconditionally supportive of each other and overwhelmingly courteous with each other. They love each other just exactly the way they are and are so overwhelmed by appreciation of the other that they treat each other more nicely than most of us treat strangers. The one that I'm close with and spent six years studying closely with through graduate school has never had anything negative to say about her wife. All these years later she's just in awe of her luck to be with this person. It's really amazing.


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