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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Thu Aug 08, 2013 1:03 am 
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Nooch of Earl
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Throw 'em all down the hatch!

I'm a little frustrated with cats myself lately. OK, this is total victim-blaming. I love my kitty and we go way back together, but after a very peaceful ~9 months of Violet leaving the cat alone, she's suddenly decided that he MUST be given water. Which was cute at first, and I was all "awww, how sweet!" when she asked me to put water in her bowl and then brought it over to him...until she decided that he needed to be spoon-fed said water. So now I'm refereeing again. When he finally has enough and gives her a nip of course she runs to me screaming, all "hand hurt! kitty!"

Also, "KIH-YEE UP!" when she decides he wants to be carried around (she can't totally lift him, but she DOES succeed in annoying the crepe out of him), or, the worst of all of it, when she tries to go for a kitty ride. I try to catch it within a few seconds and haul her off, but he has arthritis in his back legs! Leave him alone, kid!

Finally, the random meowing at inopportune times when he has everything he needs.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Thu Aug 08, 2013 10:59 pm 
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Semen Strong
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OMG I hear you!

Our cats are generally awesome and tolerant of little hands petting them. I intervene really fast, so L never does anything vigorous to them like picking up or anything - she literally just pets them and gives them cat treats. But every now and again, they will bite or scratch her for no reason, besides that she can't read their signals and they felt grumpy. And then I have a sad panda toddler and I just want to shake the cats and be like "OH FFS STOP BEING A DICK." Especially because the only thing L asks for at the store is more cat treats for her friends. If she deserved to be scratched or bit, I'd be all like "Whatev's law of the jungle kiddo!"

So where do I throw them all down the hatch? This is going to be the best submarine ride ever.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Thu Aug 08, 2013 11:51 pm 
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Our kitty gets the zips and runs around the house scaring the shiitake out of the big kid who screams bloody murder, causing little brother to do the same thing. Then they both cry. I know the cat lunges at them sometimes when he does this, but c'mon kids! You're okay! We don't have to do this twice a day!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sun Aug 11, 2013 7:47 am 
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Semen Strong
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Image

Sigh.

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My oven is bigger on the inside, and it produces lots of wibbly wobbly, cake wakey... stuff. - The PoopieB.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sun Aug 11, 2013 9:12 am 
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***LIES!!!***
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Jealous of them. Malka spent the night at her grandmother's because we were supposed to go to a party and pretend we were child free. Instead I got horribly sick and spent the whole afternoon and evening on the couch. Woke up last night at 5am in a panic because I didn't know where the baby was.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sun Aug 11, 2013 10:07 am 
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I have a lot of childfree friends. I get insanely jealous of all their wonderful foreign beach vacations they go on a few times a year.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sun Aug 11, 2013 10:09 am 
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Drunk Dialed Ian MacKaye
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Tofulish wrote:
Image

Sigh.

There's a really good joke in here somewhere, I just can't think of one. In any case, I'd like to see an issue called, "When having it all means doing what works best for you because there's no one perfect way for everyone to go about things."

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sun Aug 11, 2013 10:49 am 
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TCC knows what's what.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sun Aug 11, 2013 2:42 pm 
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Title aside, I just have to say I'd love to have some childfree time on a beach with my partner. It looks so relaxing. Some days I do want to pretend I don't have kids.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sun Aug 11, 2013 9:21 pm 
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Did anyone read the Time article? It's nice to see something mainstream talking about women who choose not to have kids and to talk about how much expected motherhood is ingrained as part of our social fabric. The more it gets talked about hopefully the less people like myself will have to hear the "why don't you have kids" question. I think the phrase "having it all" gets used a lot in this context because of the historical precedent of equating child/career/husband as "having it all" for a woman. It's a rather tired phrase but I'm glad to see it getting redefined for people who don't want that specific "all".

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Mon Aug 12, 2013 3:03 am 
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Drunk Dialed Ian MacKaye
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pandacookie wrote:
The more it gets talked about hopefully the less people like myself will have to hear the "why don't you have kids" question.

I HATE that. I was routinely asked that question during the 8 years my husband and I were married before we had kids. Honestly, even after having 3 kids and still wanting more, I'm not really bothered if other people have kids or not.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Aug 13, 2013 3:47 pm 
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During discussion about bedtime routine and cleaning up the kitchen after dinner, the man says about putting Freya to sleep: "well, it's just sitting in a chair". FFS. I guess we know who's putting her to sleep tomorrow night.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Tue Aug 13, 2013 4:58 pm 
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hah <snort> good luck with that mr. refinnej!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Wed Aug 14, 2013 2:28 pm 
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refinnej wrote:
During discussion about bedtime routine and cleaning up the kitchen after dinner, the man says about putting Freya to sleep: "well, it's just sitting in a chair". FFS.

Pretty sure I've had similar discussions about the perceived easiness of things with Mr Crabby.

refinnej wrote:
I guess we know who's putting her to sleep tomorrow night.

Lololol. Let us know how it goes! ;D

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Mon Sep 16, 2013 12:44 pm 
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Nooch of Earl
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I love my daughter but who DOESN'T want the occasional beach vacation with just a romantic partner, or, for that matter, the occasional vacation alone? (I gotta say, I love husband but one of the best vacations I've had in many years was when I went to Tokyo for a port call that got cancelled and did everything *I* wanted all week!!!)

My parents watched V for a week while I went to visit him in Guam and it was wonderful to have that break. I'd really like to do it again when we go to a wedding soon in Newport (I'll probably be going to my folks' the previous week, so it would be totally plausible travel-wise and actually cheaper with less flying), but my husband's family would pitch a fit if I didn't bring her even though wrangling a toddler at a wedding/on a cross country flight is going to be horrendous. Sigh.

---

RE partners dismissing the effort tasks they don't do take...One of the things that is irritating about my husband being back on the scene after 7 months away is that he doesn't have a lot of appreciation for how much work certain steps have taken. Like our fairly easy bedtime routine now (we brush teeth, put on PJs, read books, kiss her goodnight, and then turn the light off and leave and THAT'S IT) - this took weeks of hard work putting her back in bed and sitting on the end of the bed/standing at the doorway/gradually moving farther away etc. Weeks where she'd crawl out of bed and march out into the living room if given a chance, or wouldn't even stay in her bed for 5 seconds for the first hour.

Anyway he doesn't really see a problem with interrupting her routine dramatically, and I get that we were on vacation, but I just want to be back on my schedule...


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sun Oct 06, 2013 10:30 am 
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And you never will.
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I'm sorry to just drop in here with a big huge vent, but I feel like I'm about to have a breakdown. My husband recently lost one of his two big clients, so money's been extra tight. Thankfully, I just started keeping my cousin's 3-month-old a couple of weeks ago, which is helping a little with that... but it means that I'm taking care of her 9 hours a day 3-4 days a week, plus doing all caring for poopieboy, plus baking (for money) about 20 hours a week, plus 100% of the housework, plus all the meal planning/shopping/cooking every day so we don't spend any money on meals out or expensive convenience foods (including baking all our own bread). I'm earning about 40% of our current income, and saving who knows how much by careful planning and hard work, and I am so forking fed up with my husband acting like his life is so stressful because he's the one who's 'working'. It's like everything I do is invisible and worthless.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sun Oct 06, 2013 12:40 pm 
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Poopie, I'm sorry, that sounds incredibly stressful and infuriating.

I don't really know how to ask this but to ask it: what does your husband actually do for the family besides work? You've posted before about how much you do and I just can't imagine living like that. It sounds like he wants the perks of a family without any of the work of it.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sun Oct 06, 2013 12:55 pm 
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And you never will.
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Thank you j-dub <3

My husband keeps up with paying the bills, mows the yard, takes the car in for maintenance when it needs it, takes the trash and/or recycling out about 50% of the time, gives poopieboy occasional baths or showers, and takes him out (usually to the park for an hour or so) when I really need time to get stuff done. And he does his own laundry.

I try to acknowledge everything he does, and I definitely go out of my way to thank him if he does something that's not one of his usual tasks. I just know that if I listed all the things I do next to the things he does, it would be laughable how disproportionate it is. I try not to post this shiitake often because I really don't want to focus on the negative or sound like I just complain all the time, but I know I do complain too much. I have had so many conversations with him and tried so many different tactics to try to even things out, but nothing ever seems to stick.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sun Oct 06, 2013 1:04 pm 
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It doesn't sound to me like you complain too much. It sounds like he a) doesn't do enough, b) doesn't respond to your calls for equality, and c) wants to be a 1950s Dad.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sun Oct 06, 2013 2:27 pm 
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I am really sorry Poopie. You don't complain too much at all - whenever I read your posts, I think you're a superwoman. I know you are often operating on only a few hours of sleep and at the same time doing work that takes a ton of patience and attention to detail, and dealing with a toddler and a newborn, and it must feel very frustrating to feel like your partner doesn't realize how much you contribute. I think you have three issues to address.

First, we all need validation! Can you ask your husband to say what you need to hear? Often I will actually give my husbands words that I feel like I need to hear him say :)

Second,I don't know how to shift things, but it really does sound like you need some help. Is there anyone who can come in to be a mother's helper a few hours a week to help out? We have teenagers here who will just play with your kiddo while you bake etc, and their rates are very low. Or just figure out which tasks you want your husband to do, and ask him to take those over, especially if they are discrete tasks that you can kind of monitor to make sure they get done.

Third, if your partner is complaining as a way of relieving his own fear and stress, so it likely doesn't have anything to do with you, but rather is a reflection of the pressure he feels having lost one of his two biggest clients and feeling financially precarious and like he can't provide as well as he would like for you (My husband has a lot of the same fears and pressures). Maybe there is a way in which he can language/voice his fears and anxieties, without invalidating your contributions? B and I started a practice of starting every conversation with "I love you" because it slows us down and helps us be more mindful with one another.

I hope you're able to find a more sustainable division of labor soon!

Sending you tons of good thoughts.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sun Oct 06, 2013 4:03 pm 
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Maybe if there is a time when he is around and you are working and he is just sitting on the couch, ask for help with whatever it is? Like, if you are doing baking, see if he can help with cleanup? He is probably not actually useless, but since he's probably been out working more often, he's never been around to do those things and it isn't even occurring to him?

I dunno, I feel weird if my roommate is doing all of something and I'm just sitting around...

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sun Oct 06, 2013 7:00 pm 
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poopiebitch wrote:
I'm sorry to just drop in here with a big huge vent, but I feel like I'm about to have a breakdown. My husband recently lost one of his two big clients, so money's been extra tight. Thankfully, I just started keeping my cousin's 3-month-old a couple of weeks ago, which is helping a little with that... but it means that I'm taking care of her 9 hours a day 3-4 days a week, plus doing all caring for poopieboy, plus baking (for money) about 20 hours a week, plus 100% of the housework, plus all the meal planning/shopping/cooking every day so we don't spend any money on meals out or expensive convenience foods (including baking all our own bread). I'm earning about 40% of our current income, and saving who knows how much by careful planning and hard work, and I am so forking fed up with my husband acting like his life is so stressful because he's the one who's 'working'. It's like everything I do is invisible and worthless.

I think you should tell him this. You should not need to give an adult an "atta boy" for contributing to the overall welfare and well-being of his family. He's your partner, not another child. Allowing this sort of resentment to build is not healthy for you.

You are working two jobs (over 40 hours a week) to help your family in addition to all of the housework and meal planning. He needs to step up and contribute more equally. Where is his concern for your feelings? For your stress as someone who works for wages while shouldering most of the burden of managing your house?

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sun Oct 06, 2013 7:53 pm 
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I agree with Vantine, Poopie. I think you should just tell him what you told us. He may just need it laid out for him to clearly see how disproportionate it is?

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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sun Oct 06, 2013 9:05 pm 
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***LIES!!!***
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Vantine wrote:
poopiebitch wrote:
I'm sorry to just drop in here with a big huge vent, but I feel like I'm about to have a breakdown. My husband recently lost one of his two big clients, so money's been extra tight. Thankfully, I just started keeping my cousin's 3-month-old a couple of weeks ago, which is helping a little with that... but it means that I'm taking care of her 9 hours a day 3-4 days a week, plus doing all caring for poopieboy, plus baking (for money) about 20 hours a week, plus 100% of the housework, plus all the meal planning/shopping/cooking every day so we don't spend any money on meals out or expensive convenience foods (including baking all our own bread). I'm earning about 40% of our current income, and saving who knows how much by careful planning and hard work, and I am so forking fed up with my husband acting like his life is so stressful because he's the one who's 'working'. It's like everything I do is invisible and worthless.

I think you should tell him this. You should not need to give an adult an "atta boy" for contributing to the overall welfare and well-being of his family. He's your partner, not another child. Allowing this sort of resentment to build is not healthy for you.

You are working two jobs (over 40 hours a week) to help your family in addition to all of the housework and meal planning. He needs to step up and contribute more equally. Where is his concern for your feelings? For your stress as someone who works for wages while shouldering most of the burden of managing your house?


I agree with this, but it may also be helpful to put it in writing just how much time you are spending each week doing various tasks, including and especially paid work. As the primary earner in my family, I get the panic around making sure you are earning enough for your family (although i am also a woman and have well absorbed the lesson that i am constantly failing my child by working so hard at my job so I go beyond the call when I am able to be with her and forgo doing important things for/by myself sometimes, anyway, I digress). But you feel similarly anxious about making ends meet for your family and you are contributing both paid and unpaid work (and a lot of that unpaid work is making it so you both need less paid work). It is entirely possible your husband just doesn't get what you do or that he really misperceives how much he does to contribute and thinks it is much closer to parity than you do.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationships and Parenting
PostPosted: Sun Oct 06, 2013 9:42 pm 
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The Real Hamburger Helper
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I have similar problems with my partner (division of labor stuff). One of my issues that gets in the way is control. I have to force myself to give up some control in order to truly put him into the place he can be to take over responsibility of something. My big issue is food. He really should take over the meal planning and cooking, since I work way more than full time hours and he is at home. I have an internal struggle about this because I know that I would do a much better job (if I had time!). He has been doing this for a couple of weeks now, and I have had to swallow a few yucky dinners that he has made due to the shift in responsibilities.

Anyway, I'm just saying I know it is really hard. If you want him to do more stuff, you may have to accept that it will get done differently than you would do it.


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