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Author:  Solkiki [ Thu Apr 10, 2014 9:34 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationships and Parenting

Torque thanks for saying, that makes me feel a bit better. My little boy is just started another nosebleed as I started typing this! Aah

I have no advice for you, but I hope things will calm down around you soon, hopefully before Easter, you certainly don't sound like you need more things to deal with on top on what you have, good luck

Author:  torque [ Fri Apr 11, 2014 7:51 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationships and Parenting

Yay! Family not coming on Easter! Mr T finished his medication and doesn't need an MRI, just therapy. what a relief.

Solkiki, my brother got his nose cauterized when he was 8 or so because of the nosebleeds (it didn't work so well, and he just recently needed surgery to remove the scar tissue that grew there as a result and was troubling his airway). My daughter's were constant and from preschool the school nurses were always hassling us about them, saying she needed the cauterization. For a dozen reasons I was opposed (although I will say I have a friend who grew up the same way, and said that the cauterization changed his life, so if it comes to that I'd say just go with what you think will be best for you and him), and so was our pediatrician, so we never did it.
She's 14 now and gets them every few months (usually in the summer on really hot days. of course at the worst time- she had a huge one right before we got on the plane to go to the US in June, I thought they weren't going to let her on. that was fun.). My husband grew out of his when he was 20 ish.

Author:  annak [ Fri Apr 11, 2014 8:06 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationships and Parenting

I will not be irritated at my husband for wanting to sign up for a 10k in Rome three weeks before my due date.
I will not be irritated at my husband for wanting to sign up for a 10k in Rome three weeks before my due date.
I will not...

Author:  Tigon [ Fri Apr 11, 2014 1:24 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationships and Parenting

Wanting to and actually doing it are different things...

Author:  strawberryrock [ Wed Apr 16, 2014 12:12 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationships and Parenting

aah wrong thread

Author:  Tigon [ Thu Apr 17, 2014 5:01 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationships and Parenting

Did anyone have a ton of stress just from the idea of having a child? I'm perfectly fine with it, but I think my wife has self-esteem issues making her think we can't raise a child. I guess that "she" can't, but it's not really a one person thing. Also, she worries about how to raise the kid. I've been learning a lot from these threads about childcare and how it works to get an idea of how we will afford this whole thing.

I think she is used to family acting as babysitters and I'm just expecting that we'll both work and use day cares. But it's probably me worried about the financials, while she is just freaking out about the idea of a child at all and it's really doing harm to our relationship. We've both said we want children and we're both in our mid 30s so I'd rather not put it off for a few years. Any advice? Anyone else go through this?

Author:  torque [ Fri Apr 18, 2014 10:39 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationships and Parenting

i totally felt that way. and i remember at one point, pregnant with twins, having an almost on-the-floor breakdown about how on earth i was going to take care of two babies when just caring for one already seemed like an impossibility. but at that point, it was too late for cold feet, i was sitting on the roller coaster and locked in the seat, it was time to roll and just go with the flow. it is super daunting, most especially when you're hearing about how motherhood is the hardest, most undercompensated, most important job in the world... (i am not a fan of that stuff if you can't hear my eyes rolling).

all i can say is that you work it out if you want to. i do remember thinking that we had it all sorted about who would work and who would stay home and it totally didn't go down as planned. if you really want kids, then you can consider it a chance to do better than the people who raised you (in my case, i should clarify, i felt like it was a good chance to set things aright).

Author:  amonik [ Fri Apr 18, 2014 12:13 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationships and Parenting

Tigon, what is it like for your friends/family who have kids? I was a lot less afraid of having a kid after a couple I'm friends with had theirs. I was afraid it would be too much work, basically, and when I saw that they could still see friends and have hobbies even though they are not the world's most energetic people, that was very reassuring. Of course the financial side of things is very different here. Another thing that helped was the thought that it's not necessary to be a perfect parent. Nobody is perfect, and most people have reasonably happy childhoods. It's ok to make mistakes, and it's ok to ask for help.

My husband didn't feel ready when we were going to have a kid, and our relationship suffered for it. He agreed to have a kid at that time because I really wanted one and didn't want to get older before we started trying. Pregnancy was very lonely with a co-parent who wasn't enthusiastic, and that didn't really change until R was born (the moment he came out of me). Since then, our relationship has been great. It is a lot of work to have a kid, and it has made us better at working together, turned us into a team. Seeing the person you love being a good parent is amazing!

To sum it up, I have no advice, but it's normal to be scared.

Author:  annak [ Fri Apr 18, 2014 12:55 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationships and Parenting

I think having a kid is kind of like owning a boat. You can do it on a shoestring, but you can also throw as much money as you want at it and the money will be used up and you won't really know where it went. Either way, the outcome will be approximately the same.

Author:  torque [ Fri Apr 18, 2014 5:43 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationships and Parenting

Ha, annak. So true. But you can just drill a hole in the boat and swim away. Boat, what boat?

(i got a lot of comfort from the fact that bajillions of people have kids and do just fine. my grandmother put her babies in drawers full of clothing to sleep because she had no money for furniture. when i was sure we were all going to starve, i remembered that plenty of people do quite well with nothing. once you have your kid perhaps you will choose to torture your entire family by listening to Raffi, who can smilingly remind you that all you really need is a song in your heart, food in your belly, and looooooove in your family.)

Author:  mooo [ Fri Apr 18, 2014 8:03 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationships and Parenting

Oh man, we have really good taste in music, and somehow we ended up listening to Raffi. And I kind of like that song.

Author:  torque [ Sat Apr 19, 2014 11:12 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationships and Parenting

on the grand scale of Raffi, that song is on the more tolerable side. Joshua Giraffe, on the other hand, would provoke screaming fits in both my kids-- some kind of discord in there (another in a lion king soundtrack song) that was amazing, they could not stand to hear it.

Author:  Butternut [ Sat Apr 19, 2014 10:53 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationships and Parenting

mooo wrote:
Oh man, we have really good taste in music, and somehow we ended up listening to Raffi. And I kind of like that song.


We have a routine of watching two elmo videos after brushing teeth and I am so happy that for the past two nights I have successfully convinced babynut that watching ok go videos are better than elmo. I don't know how long it will last but I'm enjoying it while I can.

Author:  ijustdiedinside [ Sun Apr 20, 2014 7:25 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationships and Parenting

torque wrote:
Yay! Family not coming on Easter! Mr T finished his medication and doesn't need an MRI, just therapy. what a relief.

Solkiki, my brother got his nose cauterized when he was 8 or so because of the nosebleeds (it didn't work so well, and he just recently needed surgery to remove the scar tissue that grew there as a result and was troubling his airway). My daughter's were constant and from preschool the school nurses were always hassling us about them, saying she needed the cauterization. For a dozen reasons I was opposed (although I will say I have a friend who grew up the same way, and said that the cauterization changed his life, so if it comes to that I'd say just go with what you think will be best for you and him), and so was our pediatrician, so we never did it.
She's 14 now and gets them every few months (usually in the summer on really hot days. of course at the worst time- she had a huge one right before we got on the plane to go to the US in June, I thought they weren't going to let her on. that was fun.). My husband grew out of his when he was 20 ish.


i had recurrent nosebleeds as a kid, too and got one of my nostrils cauterized and i never had any issues with it later in life and my nosebleeds mostly stopped. i still have occasional nosebleeds when the weather is dry, but it definitely helped. as a kid i was always waking up in the morning with blood all over my face and pillow.

Author:  Solkiki [ Sun Apr 20, 2014 11:13 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationships and Parenting

ijustdiedinside wrote:
torque wrote:
Yay! Family not coming on Easter! Mr T finished his medication and doesn't need an MRI, just therapy. what a relief.

Solkiki, my brother got his nose cauterized when he was 8 or so because of the nosebleeds (it didn't work so well, and he just recently needed surgery to remove the scar tissue that grew there as a result and was troubling his airway). My daughter's were constant and from preschool the school nurses were always hassling us about them, saying she needed the cauterization. For a dozen reasons I was opposed (although I will say I have a friend who grew up the same way, and said that the cauterization changed his life, so if it comes to that I'd say just go with what you think will be best for you and him), and so was our pediatrician, so we never did it.
She's 14 now and gets them every few months (usually in the summer on really hot days. of course at the worst time- she had a huge one right before we got on the plane to go to the US in June, I thought they weren't going to let her on. that was fun.). My husband grew out of his when he was 20 ish.


i had recurrent nosebleeds as a kid, too and got one of my nostrils cauterized and i never had any issues with it later in life and my nosebleeds mostly stopped. i still have occasional nosebleeds when the weather is dry, but it definitely helped. as a kid i was always waking up in the morning with blood all over my face and pillow.


Wow I never heard of cauterization. I just read up on it and that sounds like a serious way to end the nose bleeds. My little boy is still getting nosebleeds, about every other day or so and really bloody too. Often there is blood on the pillow when he wakes up. I'm not doing anything about them, I don't think I would ever go for cauterization since it sounds so extreme. But it's definitely interesting to hear about your experiences. It also gave me some hope he will grow out of them. Recently he regularly has a finger up his nose, he's still fascinated with his nose, putting food up there as well and then sniffing it out, he's driving me crazy with this. It always ends with a huge nosebleed. Fingers crossed it's just a temporary thing.

Author:  ScandinaVegan [ Mon Apr 21, 2014 4:03 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationships and Parenting

Butternut wrote:
mooo wrote:
Oh man, we have really good taste in music, and somehow we ended up listening to Raffi. And I kind of like that song.


We have a routine of watching two elmo videos after brushing teeth and I am so happy that for the past two nights I have successfully convinced babynut that watching ok go videos are better than elmo. I don't know how long it will last but I'm enjoying it while I can.


Did you know that ok go actually has a Sesame street video about colors? Clara the wu doesn't get video every day, but she is obsessed with ducks and this led to us finding Elmo singing about his 4 ducks... needless to say we have to sing the "quack song" every. single. day. Also "5 little ducks," known here as the "sad mama quack" song.

Author:  torque [ Tue Apr 22, 2014 7:41 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationships and Parenting

Raffi has a duck song!! #traumatizedbyraffi

Re the cauterization, it seems to really depend. if you have a specific spot that is always bleeding, then why not, really? but with my kid, the bleed is from a different spot every time, and as the pedi said, he wouldn't even know where to begin. if i were you right now i'd be thinking about how to keep the little fingers away from the nose. duct tape and socks, lol?

Author:  Butternut [ Tue Apr 22, 2014 12:30 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationships and Parenting

ScandinaVegan wrote:
Butternut wrote:
mooo wrote:
Oh man, we have really good taste in music, and somehow we ended up listening to Raffi. And I kind of like that song.


We have a routine of watching two elmo videos after brushing teeth and I am so happy that for the past two nights I have successfully convinced babynut that watching ok go videos are better than elmo. I don't know how long it will last but I'm enjoying it while I can.


Did you know that ok go actually has a Sesame street video about colors? Clara the wu doesn't get video every day, but she is obsessed with ducks and this led to us finding Elmo singing about his 4 ducks... needless to say we have to sing the "quack song" every. single. day. Also "5 little ducks," known here as the "sad mama quack" song.


I actually like that elmo's ducks one! And yes, we like the ok go/sesame colors video. She likes the one with the dogs the best, though.

Author:  annak [ Wed May 21, 2014 6:58 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationships and Parenting

So…husband's mother is coming to visit for five weeks next week. She's great but that's such a long visit and honestly it's not a great time - we just moved into a house in a new country finally, we're still unpacking and organizing, the baby is due in three weeks (but will probably be early, I suspect), and house guests are always more work and less "help" than they think they are. It's really stressful to me and honestly it's making me dread a lot of things surrounding the birth and weeks ahead. Both of us feel like it's too long of a visit but he doesn't see why not discouraging a longer visit has resulted in her booking such a long trip before informing us of the dates. So I'm really frustrated. I feel like I should deal with my family and he should deal with his, but he refuses to take off work while she's here beyond paternity leave (so maybe a couple weeks tops) and I don't feel like I should have to play tour guide. I know, in theory people come to "help" but really with getting a house and new baby set up with a toddler around it just isn't helpful.

So, there's that. It's really not been doing great things for our marriage either, which has already been strained by months of frustration and homelessness and the stress of a huge move! I'm already not really having the birth I want, being basically shoehorned into going to the hospital an hour's drive away when I'd prefer a home birth like last time, and the last thing I want to come home to is a full house with people outside my immediate family. And I feel like husband's really not doing enough to protect me from that. Ugh.

Author:  Arisaig [ Wed May 21, 2014 9:39 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationships and Parenting

Good grief, annak, you have enough stress with the new house and country and a toddler and preparing for birth without any of that extra stuff. I can't tell you how to do it but I think you need to let everyone know that you and the baby are the most important people in the world right now. You are not to take care of anyone but you and the babies, and you are not to act as hostess/tour guide to anyone. I hope somehow you can get your husband & m-i-l to assume their proper roles as your servants and super dad/grandma for the next 5 weeks and beyond.

Author:  mollyjade [ Wed May 21, 2014 9:48 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationships and Parenting

That would really stress me out. The first things we did when grandmas offered to come down to help was find an alternative place for them to stay if they became too much work/stress for me and come up with a code word so my husband could kick them out. I hope your husband comes around to understanding how much work this will be for you and backs you up.

Author:  madeleine.teacup [ Wed May 21, 2014 12:04 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationships and Parenting

O, annak, that sounds so frustrating. You absolutely should not be playing tour guide or taking care of anyone but you and the bebes! I hope your husband realizes that yeah, it's actually his job to deal with his family and act as a gatekeeper. Five weeks is a really long time, even when it's someone who's great, especially when you're trying to adjust and nest with your new family. So I also hope your MIL is extra great and surprises you with being zero maintenance and a wizard at cooking and cleaning. My friend H. who had a bebe 7 months ago keeps telling me not to have guests over for the first month unless they're going to either cook or clean and then get out!

Author:  annak [ Tue Jun 17, 2014 8:41 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationships and Parenting

Two big stinking things taking a toll on our relationship:

- MIL staying for so loooong. The house has a very open stairway running through it, and thin walls and doors, and we really can't talk to each other at all. I mean, even innocuous stuff, I'm kind of weird about my MIL just butting into conversations. Like someone gave me a preschool recommendation and I mentioned it to my husband and later she's all "so what were you telling me earlier about finding a preschool for V?" I wasn't telling HER anything, I was trying to have a conversation with my husband! And I really don't feel like involving my MIL in our decisions for my daughter, you know? It's not that she's bad or anything, it's just..not her business? But I feel like I can't really have a relationship with my husband right now without company. At least I'll be spending the rest of her visit on pelvic rest!!

- Having my parenting decisions overruled. Not necessarily my husband's fault, but a lot of times I'll tell V one thing and then she'll ask him and he'll totally overrule whatever I just said. And she's definitely at an age where she's realized that if she gets a no from one parent, she should just ask the other one, or her grandmother…neither of whom consult me first. I don't really know how to get beyond this but I sort of hate having my decisions just overruled without discussing it privately with me first, BEFORE promising the toddler anything.


ETA: In fact, this has more to do with my MIL than my husband but just promising her things in general without asking me is kind of driving me up a wall.. like she invariably gives her a large junk food snack an hour for dinner and then she refuses to even taste her dinner.. or promises her that they'll paint her nails BEFORE asking me, and then when I do get consulted how am I supposed to be the bad guy and say no to something she was already promised? It feels very manipulative to me. And now I have a toddler with purple nail polish the day before we're supposed to do pro photos. Sigh.

Author:  Butternut [ Tue Jun 17, 2014 12:52 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationships and Parenting

Ugh! That's sounds awful annak! I'm sorry that you are dealing with that.

annak wrote:


ETA: In fact, this has more to do with my MIL than my husband but just promising her things in general without asking me is kind of driving me up a wall.. like she invariably gives her a large junk food snack an hour for dinner and then she refuses to even taste her dinner..


I was getting so annoyed about the snacks and dinner thing that I made a giant, visible schedule that I posted to the wall in the kitchen with time ranges for our meals and snacks. This way my partner can't "forget" and my MIL can also clearly see it so I don't have to be a broken record about it. It actually makes it easier with toddler, too, because it's not me saying no to snacks, but a family rule. I hate to be such a control freak, but it is really frustrating when you spend all this time meal planning and cooking and then your toddler is too full to even try dinner.

I hope her visit is nearing it's end and you get to talk to your husband again.

Author:  LisaPunk [ Mon Mar 23, 2015 12:48 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationships and Parenting

im not sure where to put this but this seems like an appropriate spot.

i just found out this past weekend that within the next couple of years my in laws are moving from upstate NY to NC and im having a lot of FEEEEEEELLLLIINNNNGGSSS about it.
right now they arent exactly close to us (its a 5+ hour drive) but we've made it work where we see them every couple of months and either we drive up there or they come down here and it's been working well.
they have 4 kids, my husband is the oldest.
right now we are the closest to them in MA. the other 3 have all migrated south. my SIL and her boyfriend live in Asheville, NC, my BIL, his girlfriend, their daughter, and their soon to be new baby live in Charlotte, NC, the youngest BIL is currently in Dallas but in the next couple months will be moving to Charleston, SC where he will be for 4 years do a oral surgery program.

so i get why they are headed down south. i totally get it and i certainly dont blame them. upstate NY winters are rough with tons of snow. i think there winters are normally like the awful one we had this year. they are both mid to late 60s and have a ginormous and still unfinished house. so it makes sense to move down south where its warmer and be closer to family. i totally get all that. and yet i am kind of bummed. ive always enjoyed going to visit them. their house is very warm and cozy and they've always made me feel very welcome and at home. i especially love Thanksgivings there.
technically we could still drive to see them but instead of 5 it would be more like 13 hours. either that or we have to fly and then we have to figure out what to do with our 2 crazy dogs (previously we would either take at least one or both with us).
so it's a bit of a hassle and much more expensive now.
i know they will make every effort they can to see us. they are super great grandparents to BabyPunk it just bums me out because i grew up with two very large extended families nearby and we've been making a big effort to make sure she gets to see them even though they are far and now it's going to be 10x harder.
it does give us more reasons to go visit NC. we went and visited Asheville this past year and enjoyed our visit alot and would love to go back so now we have more reasons.
also the BIL that is in Charlotte does not have the best relationship with my husband. they sort of coexist ok now but it took awhile to get there and i dont think they will ever be pals. so it was kind of like awkward when we wanted to go visit his sister in Asheville but were flying in and out of Charlotte we cant like ignore them and yet the relationship is super awkward. the one trip we did worked out to our benefit where we saw his girlfriend and their daughter for lunch after we landed then all three of them came to Asheville that weekend but we cant expect it to work out that well everytime.
now if all goes to plan my in laws will be moving right down the street from said BIL in Charlotte. so it would not be nearly as awkward to go there.


so anywho like i said i certainly totally 100% understand why they are moving and dont blame them at all im just having lots of feeeeelllliinnnnggsss about it.
the other thing is with them this was so spur of the moment that it may not even happen.

the weirdest part of all this is a few days before this happened my parents told us within the next 5 years they want to sell their house which is the house i grew up in. i kind of had no feelings about that. i know they will stay close so it wasnt like they were leaving. i have way more feelings about my in laws selling their house then my parents selling the house i grew up in. that cant be normal?

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