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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2014 9:35 pm 
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Toby actually cut his hair off because the girls were playing with it. He was horrified.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2014 6:36 am 
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i dont understand how baggy can spend so much time on her makeup and hair and yet not remember to brush her teeth or take a shower regularly. and it all gets left until her bedtime, which then gets pushed back another hour. when exactly do they learn the concept of time???? (yes, i know, some never do). anything related to time is making me insane right now.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2014 9:11 am 
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SHowering! Good grief. Shorty is pretty good about it. But Alex just cannot be bothered. Unless of course I need her to do something else. Or if I am about to shower.


Alex will be all done with her credit requirements for high school at the end of next week. Because she goes to a charter school she has a separate school requirement that means she is still in school until January. She is talking about moving out at the end of the month.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2014 10:41 am 
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O-o
oh boy oh boy. you just can't get a no-drama week can you Kfad? lolz

edited because i have apparently used today's quota of grammar

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2014 10:48 am 
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I think they just cycle drama.

But really the being done with high school early is a just awesome. When she transferred to the charter school she was pretty far behind (because of clerical errors at the high school which stripped her of credits) and it was a huge shift. She has really blossomed.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2014 9:38 pm 
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Even though the shitty attitude is common, I still feel like a lousy parent. (How did I help create this horrible princeling?) The idea that he should help out doesn't just not occur to him—he finds it distasteful. Tonight, asked to do one simple thing (unload the dishwasher) he objected. "I really don't want to." Mrs. Face asks him to find a vanilla pudding pie recipe, in that case. "I don't see why I should have to do anything." She tells him, "Because you're part of the family." His response? "Well, I go to school all day." In his mind, he's already done his bit. He went to school. And now he's off the clock.

How do we keep pushing this without alienating him to the degree that he'll stubbornly refuse everything? I don't know, but this does not work and will not serve him well. We must break him of this entitlement. Like an infant, he still expects to be the center of attention, the reason for everyone's activity, the focus of everyone at all times.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Fri Oct 10, 2014 6:20 am 
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I am by no means any good at this, but here is how i have been seeing it lately.

the kid has a biological, chemical imperative to push limits (that TED talk about the teenage brain was helpful for me), make poor choices, and to say things that she knows will get her in huge trouble but she MUST say them anyway.

And of course, I am a screamer, and get upset, and then lay awake at night thinking about her bright future in, what, prison?

Oh, and the drama always happens in the morning, when I am trying to work. In my home office.

We have been (I say we, it is just me) relying on the bomb-drop method. I make a list of what needs to be done, leave it on the table, and say she can have back her wifi-sketchbook-gaimanbookyou'veread100timesalready-tv remote when the tasks are done.
When the whining/swearing/screaming starts, I say, "sorry, not participating" and escape to my office, lock the door, and turn up soundrown and ignore any and all sounds. I don't come out for at least 15 or 30 min, and by that time the tantrum has always passed. It's basically the mommy timeout.

and the help not occurring to him- no matter how many times i tell the kid what her tasks are, she can't remember. Her memory is shocking. She has four things to do in the morning, feed the dog is one of them. The dog is almost literally bouncing off the walls and tap dancing to get her attention because he is starving, and she just doesn't get it.

as for your case, we are pretty careful about dividing tasks at home. a response like ^^ for me would result in a few days of me not doing anything i didn't feel like doing. including doing laundry, driving kid all over the place, sharing the new wifi password (not necessary, but just to rub it in), cooking, etc etc. Maintain until it bothers him.
ETA: but I am a crasshole who was brought up by a drill sergeant, literally, so i have zero good parenting experience to bring to the table.

it sounds to me like he may be enjoying the response he is getting from saying incendiary things, maybe more so than actually being a jerk.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Sun Oct 12, 2014 1:25 pm 
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And now today he's bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and upbeat.

The Mystery of Life, brought to you by t(w)eens.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Sun Oct 12, 2014 9:04 pm 
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Torque,

I do almost the same thing. I tell him what needs to be done and end the conversation. He can pitch a fit and yell and scream but I don't engage. I might just be lucky that when he chills out, he gets it done and apologizes. If he doesn't I remove privileges until it happens. Consequences are important to learn as they get more serious as you age.

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Dessert is currently a big bowl of sanctimonious, passive aggressive vegan enduced boak. Fezza
You people are way less funny than Pandacookie. Sucks to be you.-interrobang?!


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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Mon Oct 13, 2014 10:41 am 
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apologize? hahahahaha. (someone is a chip off the old block, her father never apologizes either).

i need to get better at not engaging. sometimes i can do it, other times there is a long way to go.

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James Joyce doesn’t give a twopenny damn, but Marie Kondo does. Oh, bother. --J O'Donogue, JT


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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Mon Oct 20, 2014 6:07 am 
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it's the WIFI password change gong show again!!!

Last week was extra bad. Every time I do something nice for her, she is extra rude to me. I feel like such a sucker. After taking her out to buy clothes (and she pitched a toddler temper tantrum IN THE STORE because I wouldn't buy her a winter sweater [summer is just starting and she needs shorts and bras. i don't have an extra $50 to drop on stuff that is going to make her sweat, plus she runs hot and had a nosebleed and nearly passed out in school last week when it was 90F. not happening]) she actually said that she would rather get a job somewhere than help me around the house because "nobody deserves to have to spend time with you."
So, I made sure she spent the rest of the week with her father at his shop instead of in my hair in the morning before school starts, and good riddance too.
Saturday Mr T told me he couldn't take it any more, I told him to deal with it himself, I was done.
So today, she didn't go to work with him, I can't wait to see what happens. (i have a good idea, though).
I have a line on a job for her, I am maintaining that if she doesn't help, she gets a job and pays me to do her laundry and wash her dishes. My mother told me when I was 13 that if I didn't work I couldn't live there any more, and I think miss entitlement is way overdue for her own wakeup call. God knows it won't interfere with her studies (report card was dismal again).

I feel like such an imposter. Everyone is like "she's so talented! she's such a great kid!" and I just want to go die in a hole.

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James Joyce doesn’t give a twopenny damn, but Marie Kondo does. Oh, bother. --J O'Donogue, JT


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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Mon Oct 20, 2014 8:00 am 
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We are really struggling with the Mr's daughter atm, she has so many great qualities but when she doesn't like something (usually her brother) she goes from 0 - abusive in under 60 seconds. She shouts and roars and picks on everything her brother does, ordering him to "shut up" when he tries to talk to anyone else. She refuses to accept that his repetitive behavior is due to his autism, I've told her that she is effectively bullying him about his autism and she just point blank refuses to accept it. The boys both say she doesn't pull the same stuff at her mother's house, so there is an element of selective behavior.

I think part of the problem is that when the parents split up, the Mr made his new house their house, they got a bedroom each while he slept on the couch (it was easier for him to get ready for his early start in the mornings), he also sees them a lot and while they're there they get to take over the tv for things they want to watch.... pretty much entertaining them every minute they were with him. I've explained to him that I think they now see the house as theirs and he hasn't given himself any authority there... he's always been wary of punishing too harshly (not believing in sending them to their rooms because he doesn't like isolating them etc).

We're at the stage where his daughter goes off on one and believes that she can say and do what she likes, she seems to think that her Dad has no right to tell her to stop and kicks off at any punishment (accepted her windows phone being swapped for his old phone for a couple of days punishment then kicked off when she released that she wouldn't be able to text her friends). Her brother seems to be doing a lot of revenge niggling which isn't helping the situation, he's promised to stop but isn't showing any evidence of following through with his promise.

I've got to the point where I've told them both that, if the behavior doesn't improve, when their father moves in with me they won't be able to stay at my house because the dog is now showing signs of stress with all the aggression and I can't let anyone do that to her. I also told them that their constant bickering and the aggression is stopping me adopting another dog, which they would both love me to do. I explained that their dad will have to take them to their grandparents for the weekends, something they both don't want (his daughter prefers it when I'm with them) but the reality of this happening doesn't seem to have sunk in with either of them yet.

When they're settled we have brilliant weekends together but at least two weekends out of each month are spend just exhausted and depressed with the complete lack of care exhibited by his daughter towards the rest of the family (she's worse during her period). The Mr is encouraging me to spend more time with my friends and remove myself from it all but then he's left with no back up, he's under a lot of strain at work atm and I don't want to abandon him. Me going over less before also seemed to inflame his daughter's behavior (we're wondering if she has aspergers at this point too, when she gets worked up she accuses everyone of shouting when they're not... her hearing seems to get very sensitive).


Last edited by fezza on Mon Oct 20, 2014 8:04 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Mon Oct 20, 2014 8:01 am 
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and I would be remiss if i didn`t point out that she is out there cleaning like a merry maid with a smile on her face, despite having to be woken up at 10 (we just changed clocks and she lost an hour of sleep).

oh boy oh boy!!!!

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Thu Oct 23, 2014 6:12 am 
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offered to take the day off today and bring her downtown to buy fabric this morning.
so of course, here is a foot stomping cursing tantrum about how stupid i am to drive downtown. (for two people, the bus costs more than parking). and no sign of her getting ready. i have a feeling i may go buy fabric for myself, alone, today.

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James Joyce doesn’t give a twopenny damn, but Marie Kondo does. Oh, bother. --J O'Donogue, JT


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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Tue Oct 28, 2014 12:19 pm 
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Hope the fabric thing went better than it sounds like it started!

It's interesting hearing about the teens who are more prone to dramatics. Shae is more of a quiet sulker. I'm positive Silas will be 100% the opposite. I am not looking forward to seeing how that goes...

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Tue Oct 28, 2014 12:42 pm 
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haha, it did end well, we ended up having an allout screamfest and then me taking her downtown anyway and us having a nice day together. We do a lot of yelling, but I basically just sat down and told her, you are only going to be here for a few more years, can we please start to practice acting like grownups? the last week has been pretty good, but you know, on the whole despite the drama i can't complain too much.

PS the parking guy ended up mischarging me so that the parking was HALF the price of the bus tickets. I guess i'm not the only person who learns that karma has a sense of humor.

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James Joyce doesn’t give a twopenny damn, but Marie Kondo does. Oh, bother. --J O'Donogue, JT


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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Thu Oct 30, 2014 5:42 am 
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Fezza, I don't know how i missed your post!!
it sounds terrible, but maybe rather typical too? we are constantly having volume issues with the kid, i think they go from screaming loud at school and overloud headphones to talking and have a hard time modulating themselves.
As for the actual yelling, niggling and stress, it sounds like you are so helpful to have in the picture- a voice of reason. Stand firm!

Baggy is having classmates over and was just scrubbing the bathroom. Got up without her alarm (first time this YEAR) to sweep up, etc. I am shocked. She needs to have kids over more often!

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James Joyce doesn’t give a twopenny damn, but Marie Kondo does. Oh, bother. --J O'Donogue, JT


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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Fri Oct 31, 2014 9:10 am 
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The girls got up extra early today to help each other with costumes. But they won't let me take pictures. I am so frustrated.
Alex and her boyfriend are going as Calvin and Hobbes. And Shorty is a broken marionette doll.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Fri Oct 31, 2014 11:05 pm 
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Chompy is (surprise) a kind of tiger-man warrior guy.

(And wouldn't let us take pictures.)

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Sat Nov 01, 2014 6:34 am 
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Shae was a giant penguin, in the interest in making Silas laugh. He danced like crazy on a stage at a crowded festival, it's nice to see him being his old (non-emo) self again.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Sat Nov 01, 2014 10:46 am 
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What a good guy.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Sat Nov 01, 2014 11:08 am 
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Fezza,
Her behavior does seem sort of normal for teen girls. I know someone who had their daughter scream at them "YOU ALL HATE ME AND WANT ME TO BE UGLY!" in the morning and was an angel in the afternoon. I think that the Mister does need to set some firm boundaries and there should be consequences when she becomes abusive. The good thing is that she will eventually grow out of it and can blossom into a really good person.

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A whole lot of access and privilege goes into being sanctimonious pricks J-Dub
Dessert is currently a big bowl of sanctimonious, passive aggressive vegan enduced boak. Fezza
You people are way less funny than Pandacookie. Sucks to be you.-interrobang?!


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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Sat Nov 01, 2014 11:09 am 
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Parenting teenagers is not for the timid. I feel sort of fortunate that I get every other weekend and one day a week off.

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A whole lot of access and privilege goes into being sanctimonious pricks J-Dub
Dessert is currently a big bowl of sanctimonious, passive aggressive vegan enduced boak. Fezza
You people are way less funny than Pandacookie. Sucks to be you.-interrobang?!


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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Sat Nov 01, 2014 5:12 pm 
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Shorty just asked me to take pictures of her in her costume!!!!!
I tried to play it all cool. Stay tuned for Shorty pics

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Sat Nov 01, 2014 5:14 pm 
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i cannot WAIT! the kids are being pretty awesome lately!

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James Joyce doesn’t give a twopenny damn, but Marie Kondo does. Oh, bother. --J O'Donogue, JT


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