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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's complain about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 10:46 am 
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pandacookie wrote:
That seems to follow the pattern of her acting out when she gets caught doing something wrong and throwing it back on you. I bet she'll come around but she'll have to come to terms with her own poor behaviour first. Perhaps enjoy the silence.

I do like the part where she says you want her to fail. So much so that you took in a troubled teen and brother, set up banking for her, gave her space, helped navigate high school, helped set longer term goals, provided basic needs and stability and shelter which she hasn't had before and flipped your own life over in order to help a stranger. Damn you and the vast expanse of your heart!

bravo and +1 yummy to all of this.
i can totally see myself going "so you're going to succeed just to show me, eh?" and maybe letting there be a very long pause there......a tempting long pause.....
hang in there Friday.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's complain about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 11:19 am 
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We So Excited
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You guys are awesome and sanity saving! Brother of flames did not join the pile-on, which is no small win. He just left to go back to college and was perfectly nice. I don't think she even said goodbye to him, she is in a shutting out mood. Took her facebook down, too. She's out, heard her leave while I was fixing tea this morning, thinking to myself, don't come up her, get your damn breakfast somewhere else.
I had a similar email showdown with brother in october when he scammed me out of some money--it accomplished something, it never happened again.
Flames was very dramatically telling me she'll NEVER ask me for anything again. So I think I might get a break with this.
This was all over email, too. She refused to open her door to me; I pounded for awhile, yelled what I needed to yell--that what she thought was happening was not, etc. She didn't answer back my last email, and that's good, since I got to say what I needed to.
This is going to be hard for her to get past, because she really, really forked up, and she doesn't know how to apologize. We'll see how she manages.

You guys made me feel so much better, tho. I think I'll be putting panda's words on a pillow or something.


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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's complain about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 11:32 am 
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Friday wrote:
You guys are awesome and sanity saving! Brother of flames did not join the pile-on, which is no small win. He just left to go back to college and was perfectly nice. I don't think she even said goodbye to him, she is in a shutting out mood. Took her facebook down, too. She's out, heard her leave while I was fixing tea this morning, thinking to myself, don't come up her, get your damn breakfast somewhere else.
I had a similar email showdown with brother in october when he scammed me out of some money--it accomplished something, it never happened again.
Flames was very dramatically telling me she'll NEVER ask me for anything again. So I think I might get a break with this.
This was all over email, too. She refused to open her door to me; I pounded for awhile, yelled what I needed to yell--that what she thought was happening was not, etc. She didn't answer back my last email, and that's good, since I got to say what I needed to.
This is going to be hard for her to get past, because she really, really forked up, and she doesn't know how to apologize. We'll see how she manages.

You guys made me feel so much better, tho. I think I'll be putting panda's words on a pillow or something.

This reminds me so much of a client of mine who has profound attachment issues and a lot of trauma. Her go to is "why do you hate me/you don't want me to succeed/you won't fight for me" when I set a boundary she doesn't like. But I have seen profound growth in the past year by sticking with her. And I do think that is what Flames is doing here--she's seeing how far she can push and still have you on her team, because she has never had someone resolutely stick through the hard times. And I know that setting boundaries and making her be accountable for her actions aren't fun for anyone, but I promise you they are making her feel safer than she has probably ever felt. You are doing good work!

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's complain about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 12:13 pm 
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Oh Friday... I feel for you! We go through similar things with Doug still. I know my in-laws went through the same with one of theirs until he was well into his twenties.
What these kids don't know (because they are kids as much as because of their pasts) is that boundaries are love. THey are love for the kid and love for yourself.
(((hugs)))

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's complain about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 12:53 pm 
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A day of silence can be its own easter miracle! Enjoy that tea.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's complain about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 2:06 pm 
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Thanks. It helps to hear.
She's back already--lost her keys! So she had to ring as we were napping. N answered the door to let her in--so her plan of never speaking to me or anyone in the family again was over pretty fast.
I sat out in the living room eating left-over red bamboo and reading the sports page while she looked for her keys and talked on the phone with a friend. Then came back in bedroom for more napping. I'm not ready to make nice, I'm afraid.
She came to bedroom door to ask for spare key to downstairs. There isn't one. So her fantasy of pretending it's a separate apartment is not even lasting 24 hours.
I continued napping when she came to bedroom door, N went to help her figure out key situation. I'm really just not ready to hang out and chat, but maybe just not throwing her out or screaming and yelling is good enough now, sitting there and still being here.


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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's complain about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 2:12 pm 
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I'm now kind of upset cause you have leftover Red Bamboo.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's complain about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 2:13 pm 
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Had. Now it's in my tummy.
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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's complain about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 2:18 pm 
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I dream of falafel, dim sum, bagels, and Snice sandwiches.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's complain about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 2:33 pm 
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Panda is the teen whisperer. come and solve my teen problems and i will make you dim sum.

Friday, enjoy being still and just being there. sometimes i feel like i'm sitting in the eye of a storm. and trying SO HARD not to laugh.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's complain about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 2:38 pm 
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pandacookie wrote:
I dream of falafel, dim sum, bagels, and Snice sandwiches.

We obviously have to have a veganstock Brooklyn. (I will bring Toby! See? It's not a derailment.)

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's complain about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 2:55 pm 
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Friday, you're amazing. I hope the storm passes, leaving your bond stronger than ever. <3

And Vantine, Veganstock Brooklyn is the best idea!

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's complain about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 3:19 pm 
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Right now she's acting like the kid who wants to run away with the lunch mom packed. I get what you're saying Torque about trying not to laugh. It's all so ridiculous.
Thanks, 'fulish.
Veganstock brooklyn. Hmm.


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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's complain about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 4:54 pm 
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You are an amazing mom, Friday. I'm always so impressed with how you handle these situations. Hoping for the best for you all!

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's complain about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 6:45 pm 
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I would come to Brooklyn for a Veganstock!

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's complain about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 7:00 pm 
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We're thinking too small here. We don't need veganstock brooklyn, we need our own private island.


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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's complain about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Wed Apr 03, 2013 3:53 pm 
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Funny thing Friday. Before I read enough to actually realize it was you writing and who you were writing about, I saw you writing about Flames. I didn't know the nickname (first time visiting this thread), and originally thought of the fact that on the old boards, "Flames" was the filter for pervert...

<3 Friday. You are so super awesomely awesome.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's complain about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Wed Apr 03, 2013 4:42 pm 
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I only remembered that when it came up on the old times thread. Too late now.


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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's complain about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Thu Apr 04, 2013 7:12 am 
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History test, 92!
Math test, 40!

Since we've started the private tutoring (almost 2 years now) her math skills have gone up, but her math grade is on a steady downward spiral.

Predictably, she's upset I didn't give her a tickertape parade for the 92.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's complain about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Thu Apr 04, 2013 7:54 am 
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That's exactly the kind of crepe I can't figure out with Shae! So confusing! Why, why, why.

Shae got a 24 on a history vocab test a few weeks ago. He LOVES history, so this makes no sense at all. I ask him to define the 45 vocab words, he knows all the definitions with no hesitation. Why the 24? "I guess I wasn't paying attention when I did the test.". what the fizzle.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's complain about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Thu Apr 04, 2013 7:56 am 
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(Then, he talked his teacher into replacing that grade with the big exam grade they took after the fact since it also included vocab. I fear he has a future in politics.)

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's complain about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Thu Apr 04, 2013 8:00 am 
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He probably felt that the vocab crepe was busy work and not worth his time. I don't really blame him!

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's complain about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Thu Apr 04, 2013 8:04 am 
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lavawitch wrote:
He probably felt that the vocab crepe was busy work and not worth his time. I don't really blame him!


I'm sure that's how he felt, but I don't actually care. Haha. We all do things we don't want to do! At least she wasn't making you write a paper, you want to write a paper instead?!? Suck it up.

(I'm mean but I didn't actually say any of that to him, I just thought it.)

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's complain about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Thu Apr 04, 2013 12:16 pm 
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oh man these kiddos with their low math scores eerily remind me of me...I would get all 96s in almost everything else, but I just had this mental block with math - I didn't like it so I refused to learn it I guess (also I was too busy trying to be a badass and taking mega-advantage of my school's extremely lax attendance situation - we were in the middle of Manhattan and could come and go as we pleased, so I mostly chose go). I repeated 11th Grade math (some kind of advanced geometry, eeeek!) in 12th Grade and almost didn't pass it again! Hilariously, my work requires lotsa math sometimes but thanks to good ol' computers and Quickbooks my bad math past doesn't matter.


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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's complain about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Thu Apr 04, 2013 1:55 pm 
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THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!! perhaps there is hope.
i was telling my kid that despite getting really good grades everyone always made me feel really stupid, especially about math, which was probbly part of why I ended up ditching the sciences. Ironically, years later, one of my favorite functions at the nonprofit I ran was budgets/financial tracking, stats and number crunching in general.

i can only imagine the trouble i would have gotten into in your school, audrey!!!! what a 17y/o's dream!

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