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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Thu Oct 24, 2013 8:10 am 
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i am taking all of this into consideration and am so glad to have all the input you're so kindly providing me.

so i think i've figured out my blocks. first, i'm afraid all her hair is going to fall out. CQ, you've been doing this for a while, have you had a hair frying episode? second is maintenance cost. third is maybe a little bit of grumpy bitterness that i didn't get to do shiitake like this when i was her age? (hey, i'm being a douche but i'm being honest at least.) and then there's the fact that our family dynamic is so wrong. my mother doesn't like her as it is, and everything she does is somehow wrong. add to that the whole homestuck fan thing (everyone here thinks it's some kind of satanism) and i just wonder how much more this mix can take before we have explosion.
but CQ, your angle on body control and happiness is really important. we've talked about how her bodily perception has changed since we've moved here, it really is oppressive. at her age i cutting and hair pulling, and i should be thanking my lucky stars that she doesn't have similar tendencies.

i am considering offering her a compromise- she can do streaks or part of her head but not the whole thing. i can do the partial job at home, which saves the financial outlay, if it fries and breaks off then she has some hair left, which takes care of the fear, and she gets to do something if not everything.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Thu Oct 24, 2013 9:23 am 
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I had home dyed green hair in high school with occasional green lipstick to match, and all sorts of weird salon jobs throughout college. I think my mom was more upset at me going brunette than any other color, funnily enough.

I never had any hair fry, but I wasn't worried about potentially needing to shave my head. I had a variety of very very short cuts over the years and would have loved to do a complete shave at a time with less consequences.
As for maintenance, during the green hair days the aim for me was not aesthetics as much as looking weird (in all honesty), so I didn't mind having a lot of roots.

If she wears nail polish, does she take good care of it and remove it as soon as it chips, or does she not mind and leave it on for days/weeks? If it's the latter, it might be a sign that she won't mind all that much if the hair job doesn't get as frequent maintenance as it should.

I'm sorry your home situation is so tense. I have no advice on that, but my heart goes out to you and I hope things get better soon <3


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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Thu Oct 24, 2013 10:46 am 
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Torque, your home situation sounds really tough. Like CQ, I am biased having had all manner of odd colored hair. I agree with their point that odd colored hair is a fairly harmless thing a young person can do to exercise autonomy and control how you look in a positive way. That can feel really good, especially in a situation where lots of stuff feels awful or beyond control.

But cost and crappy results are real things. If she has some sort of allowance perhaps you can have her pay or split the cost? And maybe have a good convo about what she would do if the color is not what she wants, if it fades to gray, if it gets fried, if she has to shave her head etc. Honestly, all those things can be no big deal or even look good (says the biased woman who shaved her head for most of the past year) depending on attitude.


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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Thu Oct 24, 2013 10:51 am 
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aelle, her nail maintenance is pitiful (and she is just like me....). She hasn't had orthodontic work yet because the dentist said it wouldn't be right to do it til she was taking care of her teeth responsibly. Fast forward four years later and we are still "not ready". so i guess maintenance is not super important.....
thanks guys for your input, we do need to sit down and talk. i am so glad to have you all helping me think about what we need to talk about.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Mon Oct 28, 2013 2:19 am 
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torque wrote:
i am taking all of this into consideration and am so glad to have all the input you're so kindly providing me.

so i think i've figured out my blocks. first, i'm afraid all her hair is going to fall out. CQ, you've been doing this for a while, have you had a hair frying episode? second is maintenance cost. third is maybe a little bit of grumpy bitterness that i didn't get to do shiitake like this when i was her age? (hey, i'm being a douche but i'm being honest at least.) and then there's the fact that our family dynamic is so wrong. my mother doesn't like her as it is, and everything she does is somehow wrong. add to that the whole homestuck fan thing (everyone here thinks it's some kind of satanism) and i just wonder how much more this mix can take before we have explosion.
but CQ, your angle on body control and happiness is really important. we've talked about how her bodily perception has changed since we've moved here, it really is oppressive. at her age i cutting and hair pulling, and i should be thanking my lucky stars that she doesn't have similar tendencies.

i am considering offering her a compromise- she can do streaks or part of her head but not the whole thing. i can do the partial job at home, which saves the financial outlay, if it fries and breaks off then she has some hair left, which takes care of the fear, and she gets to do something if not everything.


I have never had any hair frying, in 9 years of doing it. Honestly, I always worry something is going to go terribly wrong each and every time I'm going to do it, because I'm awesome at worrying about things, but absolutely nothing terrible has ever happened. I cut my own hair too, and I have low eyesight and terrible fine motor skills; it doesn't always come out perfect but I've never managed to do anything really awful to it.

I use Manic Panic bleach as well as dye, and follow the package instructions. I have short hair and it grows pretty fast, so I have to re-bleach every 2-4 months or so, and I re-dye about every 1-2 months. I'd estimate my average cost is like $7/month.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Mon Oct 28, 2013 2:41 am 
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Adding to the hair discussion; my best fried when I was that age was an asian girl and we were also So Totally Punk* so we'd be dying our hair almost once a month. I'd bleach the shiitake out of her hair, and I didn't know what the even remotely jeebus I was doing. Never once did her hair fall out. And it felt great, we both loved our hairdo's, and also it was a nice bonding experience.

*Not really

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Mon Oct 28, 2013 7:38 am 
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well, let's update. last week was a bit of a doozy and hair just fell right off the agenda.

Baggy seems to have maybe sorta gotten herself a squeeze. and came home with a hickey. she claims it was "on a dare" but was unprepared for the backlash it would cause so that probably won't happen again. i frankly didn't say much except for make laughing reference to it (because i remember my father shaming the hell out of me in a similar situation) but she felt awkward enough even having the conversation that i thought that was enough. everyone else, though, made quite a big deal, so thanks to natural consequences, lesson learned.

moving on, she cut class with this squeeze and got herself into hot water at school. detention is this wednesday and again, lesson seems to be learned because she was unprepared for the school's sledgehammer response, which scared the hell out of her. it was a stupid thing to do, and i've talked with the admin. she's lucky they didn't suspend her, because there is no doubt that it was done with full knowledge of what was going on.

then of course friday was a field trip and the halloween dance (which i'm surprised they let her go to). trip was great, dance involved many hours of costume prep and she went to the dance only to get harrassed by evangelical people who think that homestuck trolls are satanic. poor thing, she (and i) worked damn hard on that costume. i did warn her, but now she knows for sure. She was invited to a steampunk christmas so now i think she's moving in that direction, less hassle.

so technically she's grounded and off the phone/internet for a while. partially for cutting class (she assumed that would be the reaction so i am indulging her) but also because some of her friends are getting too clingy and she needs a little bit of help. two especially were calling constantly and expecting her at sleepovers and things, plus the internet seemed to be taking over her life, so this is a bit of a tweak to help out.

and what else. Mr T and i have been having a very hard time lately, we can't skype without yelling, as we're trying to decide what her next school step will be. we just found out this week that we have two options: we can go back in January and have her start in February, repeating 8th grade [by law unless she has concluded 8th grade she can't go to 9th] OR we can go back in June and have her start 9th late but she has to make up the 5 months of content by herself. either way they will save a space for her at a school we like, but we need to decide by November 9.

So we're all stressed because of this anyway. So we had a big family meeting yesterday and Mr T revealed that he has been doing a construction project on our house "to surprise us" and having contractor problems and that's why he's been such a grump [helpful. i was afraid his business was going under or he was dying or something. when he said he had something he really didn't want to have to tell us i was so afraid one of our animals had died. i hate surprises of any kind.]. This confession came only after some threats yesterday, because i'm tired of having every skype end with a F U and a hangup. Good to know, though.
So, it looks like we will go back in January and she'll repeat 8th. School there is much more advanced so i think the repeat will give her an advantage- she skipped first grade as it is and so she won't be that much older. (and we have some timing issues that would make June impossible anyway; I have some visa issues to take care of before July 7 and they don't think they can get us the transcript in time. also, we live in crazy land and just considering staying til june makes me want to vomit)
she feels humiliated at having to repeat, but i think that since she's so mature people tend to expect a bit too much from her. she's just a serious kid, but she doesn't have the level of discipline that goes with her level of seriousness yet. hell, she still can barely manage to brush her teeth, forget about do 5 months of algebra, chemistry and portuguese on her own. also, she wants to stay here forever because OMG FRIENDS!!!! But here forever is like an Ibsen play and Not Ever Happening in my lifetime.

Anyway, that's the news from Lake Wobegon, where hair is the least of our concerns. Good to know that hair doesn't immediately fry and break off. We hear so many old wives' tales about everything. when things calm down we'll talk hair again.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Mon Oct 28, 2013 8:31 am 
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Oh torque, what a week!

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Thu Oct 31, 2013 2:43 pm 
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I HAD MY HAIR FRIED WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER. It like.. crumbled off. It was horrible. BUT that was after bleaching it 2x as long as recommended with really strong strong strong (illegal in Denmark) bleach my friend brought home from an afro hairshop in London, and after bleaching it 3 days in a row. And before that I had bleached my hair a bajillion times and dyed it crazy colors for years without ever having any problems.
Just follow the instructions and don't bleach it twice within 2 weeks - let the hair get back in shape for a while before bleaching again. And then after you get to the desired result, you mostly have to maintain it at the roots. It really isn't a big deal at all. And you can always dye it back to a color that is like her natural color. Crazy hair should be mandatory when you're a teenager.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time, torque! But I'm happy your kid has found good friends!


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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Thu Oct 31, 2013 3:45 pm 
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Oh my goodness Torque. You are a hero.

As for the hair -- why not a wig? Like from a wig shop, not a novelty store. Maybe too much $$$.

Good luck to you both. Well, all of you!


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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Thu Oct 31, 2013 4:12 pm 
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smoothie wrote:
It like.. crumbled off. It was horrible. BUT that was after bleaching it 2x as long as recommended with really strong strong strong (illegal in Denmark) bleach my friend brought home from an afro hairshop in London

was this a Zadie Smith book? I remember one and I liked it greatly. Glad to hear your story turned out well, at the end!
Sz, she already has a good number of wigs (not bad ones either) but we have never considered wigs for actual wear, only for cosplay, it's a good point.

I have lifted grounding for Halloween (she survived her detention yesterday and it was humiliating, so hopefully we never have to do that again). Her friends are all sleeping over at someone's house and going trick or treating. Baggy has never actually trick or treated, and we've been talking about taking every chance that presents itself, so I thought it was appropriate. I think she is now someone from My Chemical Romance. What she will really just be is a cold and bedraggled wet thing, though, since it's raining.

And school, she's getting accustomed to the idea. She will start 8th again when we go home, prepared to kick some asparagus. I think she'll do just fine.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Thu Nov 07, 2013 11:55 pm 
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My oldest is thinking of moving to Denver. He got a job offer tonight. He might be leaving as soon as this weekend.
Hold me.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Thu Nov 07, 2013 11:58 pm 
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Whuuuuuuuuuuuttttttt that's fast! Hugs!

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Fri Nov 08, 2013 10:00 am 
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I know...
I know he is leaving town, but I was hoping for some place like PDX or Seattle. Where I know there are people to help him.
It is hard to let them grow up. It is hard to find the balance between concern and letting them make choices that I would not make or I don't like. He is 19 so I have little voice in the matter.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Sun Nov 10, 2013 7:45 pm 
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Cancel the Denver scare... He just got a very nice second job in town. And it has room for him to move up the ladder. That is nice.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Sun Nov 10, 2013 9:06 pm 
Seagull of the PPK
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well, i guess you are enjoying breathing again! i'm so glad.

i went and bought the hair dye today.
I AM A SUCKER
actually, i count this as a win... about 10 days ago her father told her she could get a game system (which is really interesting, seeing that 1- he isn't paying for it 2- it isn't compatible in Brazil 3- the kid is totally addicted to screentime of all types and 4- conveniently, his phone is now dead for at least two weeks, due to cable transfer issues, so i couldn't get pissy and scream at him afterwards). After a week or so of dramaz, she told me that she would settle for game system or hair dye job. i figure that is a win, so I called her on it. I mean, she has to really, really want this to pass up the game system, right.
Also a win, since she just came back from a sleepover where they played video games all weekend and she said she really doesn't like video games. Funny how that worked out. Glad we didn't find this out after spending $$$ on the stupid thing.
If we didn't have cable issues, and if i didn't miss the jerk so much, I would be alternating yelling and told-you-so to Mr T.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Mon Nov 11, 2013 1:09 am 
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Pics!


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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Mon Nov 11, 2013 10:34 pm 
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I agree! PICS!!!!!


Shorty is sick. Really sick. Snoring on the couch sick. It is funny how quickly they revert to being your baby when they have a fever.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Tue Nov 12, 2013 11:38 am 
Seagull of the PPK
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so, we did it!
Image
will get a better pic later. we didn't buy enough for her long hair so it's pretty streaky and splotchy but it came out super great. she was thrilled.

when confronted, Mr T didn't have much to say, so I let it go. Oh well.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Tue Nov 12, 2013 12:55 pm 
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Badass!!


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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Tue Nov 12, 2013 3:06 pm 
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AWESOME~!
Love that color.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Tue Nov 12, 2013 3:25 pm 
Seagull of the PPK
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aaaaand here she is!Image

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Tue Nov 12, 2013 3:29 pm 
Heeeerrrrree's JACKY!
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That is awesome!
You did a great job!

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Tue Nov 12, 2013 3:34 pm 
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It really looks gorgeous. I'm so happy for her!


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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Tue Nov 12, 2013 3:39 pm 
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That's exactly the color I wanted my hair to be when I was her age. I'm a bit jealous.


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