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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2014 10:31 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Wed Jul 09, 2014 2:23 pm 
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So I am actively on the hunt for a trombone for Shorty. Yikes! They are pricey. I have several e-mails out to people on craigslist.

High school is expensive. And I say that knowing I can afford for the kids to do this extra stuff.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Wed Jul 09, 2014 8:46 pm 
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kfad wrote:
So I am actively on the hunt for a trombone for Shorty. Yikes! They are pricey. I have several e-mails out to people on craigslist.

High school is expensive. And I say that knowing I can afford for the kids to do this extra stuff.


Wow, I read Tombstone. I thought you were oddly calm.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Wed Jul 09, 2014 8:52 pm 
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Check out pawn shops! That is where we got my trombone! We got a super deal!

($125...in 1994)

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Wed Jul 09, 2014 11:31 pm 
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I left my business card at all the local pawn shops.
THere are some up north (Portland) And I am always looking for an excuse to visit.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Thu Jul 31, 2014 5:54 am 
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report cards. ugh.
Baggy has absences AGAIN. She wasn`t absent from school, so she's cutting class. She claims the teachers accidentally mark her absent (she claimed the same in the US, and the teachers confirmed she was certainly cutting).
Her grades are PUTRID. English and art, which should be easy A`s for her, she has a 60 in each.

I don't know what to do. This school was supposed to be an easy year so she could go elsewhere. It looks like she'll be repeating 8th grade AGAIN and then staying in this shithole school.

I don't know whether to do the positive discipline thing of letting her just figure it out, or take away every single thing she has and hope that she starts to study out of boredom (?). I`ve tried to respect her and talk to her like an adult, but I feel totally and completely manipulated because every time she swears this and that and then five minutes later is back on tumbler 24/7 and telling me how much of a bisque I am.
to make her study, I need to stand over her with a stick and threaten her the whole time, and I just can't do that and hold down a job at the same time. Her father threatened to take her out of school and put her to work if her grades were bad, and she cried and begged and said she would study and get better grades. Didn't happen.

Ugh. I`m so tired of laying in bed at night worrying about her.
I`m so tired of being jealous of friends whose kids PASS- not even get good grades but just pass.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Fri Aug 01, 2014 12:16 pm 
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torque wrote:
report cards. ugh.
Baggy has absences AGAIN. She wasn`t absent from school, so she's cutting class. She claims the teachers accidentally mark her absent (she claimed the same in the US, and the teachers confirmed she was certainly cutting).
Her grades are PUTRID. English and art, which should be easy A`s for her, she has a 60 in each.

I don't know what to do. This school was supposed to be an easy year so she could go elsewhere. It looks like she'll be repeating 8th grade AGAIN and then staying in this shithole school.

I don't know whether to do the positive discipline thing of letting her just figure it out, or take away every single thing she has and hope that she starts to study out of boredom (?). I`ve tried to respect her and talk to her like an adult, but I feel totally and completely manipulated because every time she swears this and that and then five minutes later is back on tumbler 24/7 and telling me how much of a bisque I am.
to make her study, I need to stand over her with a stick and threaten her the whole time, and I just can't do that and hold down a job at the same time. Her father threatened to take her out of school and put her to work if her grades were bad, and she cried and begged and said she would study and get better grades. Didn't happen.

Ugh. I`m so tired of laying in bed at night worrying about her.
I`m so tired of being jealous of friends whose kids PASS- not even get good grades but just pass.


I'm not a parent, so you might take this with a grain of salt. I had similar laziness and distraction when I was in middle school, and my parents took away everything. Grounding in their household didn't mean no leaving the house or using the phone; it meant as soon as I got home, I could do chores and schoolwork. If and only if all these things were accomplished, I could maybe read a book or listen to the radio. No computer, no phone, no TV, nothing. Electronics black-out. And it worked out very well for me. I had my act together by high school and managed to be the valedictorian of my (admittedly tiny) high school.

It worked similarly for my brother. He didn't have as much of a transformation, but he passed his classes and went on to get a diploma.

I guess what I'm saying is the whole "take everything away and she'll work out of boredom" thing might work, on varying levels, depending on her. Worth a shot, maybe?

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Fri Aug 01, 2014 1:00 pm 
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thanks for the vote of confidence- i am doing it anyway. she may watch TV at night when I'm not home (a few times this week) but the phone and computer are restricted to Saturday. only. the good thing was that today and yesterday actually involved her studying, and i'm too busy right now to harrass her, so she's doing it on her own.
glad to hear it worked out so well for you!!!!

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Wed Aug 06, 2014 8:11 pm 
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I just rented a trombone from the nicest guy at the instrument place. He was making sure we had everything.
Now, if we can just get this child to practice everyday between now and school.
And speaking of school. Shorty has not even registered for freshman year and she is freaking out about graduating early. This child will be the death of me.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Tue Aug 19, 2014 8:38 am 
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Kelly, Kfad, others, how do you get the kids to do their chores without nagging? Some stuff needs to get done and she won't do it if I don't nag. If I nag, she calls me all sorts of names. Then I yell, then she packs a bag to run away. It's like a script for the worst play in the world, and I still have to do everything myself.
PS instead of studying now for school she is "studying Korean" which seems to involve youtube. le sigh.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Wed Aug 20, 2014 2:55 pm 
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As long as she's studying Korean (or even just "studying Korean") I think it's a victory.

But, really, I am in exactly this same place: the kid does so little to help and is often indignant (or maybe it's mystified?) when he's asked to pitch in. ("Why should I do that?" Um, because you live here and you're part of the family. "Yeah, but...") When we push back (so stupid to talk of parents pressing their case as "pushing back"), we are nagging and therefore deserve to be ignored.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Wed Aug 20, 2014 3:42 pm 
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In our house I leave them a note at the beginning of the day with a list of things I need done by 5 p.m. If those things are not done by the deadline then the child responsible is grounded for the evening (no t.v., computer, streaming or activities) and the next day all activities are cancelled.
It took two times of being grounded per kid to figure out that we really don't ask for a lot and it is just easier to get the chores done by 5. There was no discussion. When we implemented the system it was because we were tired to death of being the "bad" guys for asking for the most basic help from the kids. So they got sat down and told this is what we are doing.
It works for us. But I think it does because we ask for simpler things, like dishes or taking care of the pets. It doesn't work as well if we ask for larger more detailed chores.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Wed Aug 20, 2014 4:05 pm 
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i tell you, this is brilliant. the small detail of putting THE TIME would probably avoid my issues. The way it is now is "i would do it but you keep nagging me" so she doesn't do the stuff.

the chores are so simple here: put the clean dishes away, feed the dog breakfast, clean the cockatiel cage, sweep the floor twice a week. A five year old could do it. But the siren call of the internet seems to remove all her intelligence.

thanks. i tell you, this kid stuff is like there is a secret decoder and rulebook I don't happen to have in my library.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Wed Aug 20, 2014 4:25 pm 
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The time thing was like the magic key. It gave them an element of freedom to do whatever else they wanted, but also a deadline that had a consequence.
It kills me. The girls each get their chores. Alex does hers first thing in the morning and goes about her day carefree. Shorty will barrels in the door at 5 to 5 and rush through them to hit the deadline.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Wed Aug 20, 2014 7:27 pm 
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We did find, many years ago, that there was also magic in writing things down. Somehow, a written list felt official and irrefutable, but also, illogically, impersonal. Almost like we were saying, "Hey, don't look at us—it's the list!"

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Thu Aug 21, 2014 4:38 pm 
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chompy is getting braces. Like, right now. He's in the chair and they're polishing his teeth preparing to put the braces on. In about an hour and a half, he'll have braces. He's nervous—asking the tech many questions—but I think he's far less nervous than I was. It's hard sometimes to respond as the wise, knowing parent (sympathetic, reasoned, seeing the big picture) when your own anxieties flare up.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Thu Aug 21, 2014 5:22 pm 
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Awwwww, poor chompy.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Thu Aug 21, 2014 6:39 pm 
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No, he's doing great. Everything's still weird-feeling and unpleasant, but he's good!

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Thu Aug 21, 2014 7:58 pm 
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That is great! (I never had braces so I have no real context save for what friends told me).

Shorty has high school registration next week. She is insisting on going on her own. I am really proud of her for being independent. And super freaked out because she is my baby.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Tue Aug 26, 2014 10:59 am 
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Hold me... the baby is at high school registration right now.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Tue Aug 26, 2014 4:55 pm 
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Can't even imagine it.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Tue Aug 26, 2014 7:57 pm 
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Shae's in 10th grade. It's just so odd. He's looking at cars. CARS.

He's starting the year off so great this year, he seems really pumped about the year and very present. He's joined clubs on his own free will and keeping up with meetings and all already. Haven't seen the self motivation in a few years, so it's pretty magical! I think he's finally understanding how important it all is... (please don't let me jinx myself)

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Tue Aug 26, 2014 8:34 pm 
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That is so awesome! I hope he keeps it up. The driving thing, no thank you. I am so glad the girls are not interested in driving.

The text I got from her after registration: That was so poorly run... maybe public school was a bad idea.

I asked her what she meant and she said that no one let the kids ask questions, that her schedule makes no sense and that (And I quote) "I have no hope for the future"

I am glad she is not dramatic or anything.

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Wed Aug 27, 2014 7:49 pm 
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Oh my. That's unsettling. Hope it all works out okay for her!

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 Post subject: Re: Hey, let's chat about our teens/tweens!
PostPosted: Thu Aug 28, 2014 8:11 pm 
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Torque! So, this has worked for my roommate and I, and it may just work for dear Baggy.

habitrpg.com Basically, it just turns life into a RPG where you can accrue experience points for doing the things. I am a level 16 Warrior in killing the dishes and overcoming the laundry!
You have habits, which are things you get a + or a - for doing or not doing and dailies, which are things you do every day every day and check off if you did (like putting dirty clothes in the hamper or brushing your teeth or doing homework) and then to-do lists, which would be like "reading X chapter for book" or "write the paper" and you can make checklists in that as well.

Also, its not just for kids, obviously, so grownups can do it too!

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