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 Post subject: Re: The Imperfect Parent Trap
PostPosted: Sat Dec 22, 2012 6:46 am 
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Drunk Dialed Ian MacKaye
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Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 3:05 pm
Posts: 1961
Location: Copenhagen, Denmark
Footie, it sounds to me like you are a very good parent.

Footface wrote:
And I really need him—and he really needs—to wind down, to keep learning HOW to wind down. How to let these things go.

This is so important. I was in therapy for years and years, and in group therapy it was one of the biggest problems for all of us.. We couldn't let go, get over issues, unwind.. And it's so important. to me, it's really helped with my self esteem, my focus and my interpersonal relationships to learn this!

Footface wrote:
About an hour later, or maybe longer, he came upstairs to say he was having trouble relaxing. He had probably been reading almost all that time. I stalled. I am tired of being on-call for a task I shouldn't need to perform anymore. He's 10. He and I have talked about how to relax. I've walked him through the steps countless times.

I think it's really important to stick with this. Even though it can feel horrible, I think it's so important to stick with the knowledge you have that HE CAN DO IT BY HIMSELF. sleeping is a task everyone can do. he just needs to learn that he can, in fact, fall asleep on his own. and I think the best way to teach a kid how to do something is letting them find their own way, and sticking with it - by some point, when he realize that he has to do this on his own now, because you will not sit there, no matter how much of a tantrum he throws.. because he is a big, smart person, who can do it by himself. to me, this is sending a clear signal of trust and love to your kid, while teaching him to trust himself. because at some point it will work, and he will have a feeling of success and it will be awesome.


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 Post subject: Re: The Imperfect Parent Trap
PostPosted: Sat Dec 22, 2012 11:30 am 
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Seagull of the PPK
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Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 6:46 pm
Posts: 8192
Location: Brasil
FootFace wrote:
Discipline is just so important—and so fraught. ..... There are so many ways that loving, well-meaning parents can blow it. I think I've blown it in all of them.

I have had this last thought so many dozens of times............
I think on the whole we both have kids that are wonderful, smart, creative, and well-behaved enough that we could take them anywhere and not have to worry about them being less than charming, kind and overall good kids.
But when things are bad, nothing feels more horrid.

I'm sure you've considered that there are plenty of adults who don't know how to relax, deal with anxiety and self-soothe. I think podcasts and such are great too- they've helped me through flying when I didn't think I could do it.
Also, so much horrible news lately (shooting, end of world, etc) has gotten all sorts of emotions stirred up.

hang in there. hope he wakes up and things are a bit better.

We went through a really rough patch at the end of this school year (early December) and now things are going much better. One step forward, another back, another forward.

_________________
Buddha says 'Meh'.--matwinser
I'm just a drunk who likes fruit. -- Desdemona


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