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 Post subject: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Tue Mar 26, 2013 7:33 pm 
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The Real Hamburger Helper
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Ugh. We have never really officially decided this and need to. We have a couple options but none of them is ideal and, obviously, I hate thinking about this subject.

1) My parents. My parents would be our first choice because: they are awesome, live in the same area, they are a regular presence in our kid's life, I feel like they would raise our kid(s) in a way that is roughly in line with what we would choose, etc. But! They are almost 70 and I worry about that. If we died tomorrow, I would say of course she goes to them. But in ten years? I'm not sure.

2) My sister. She would be a semi-logical choice. She is fifteen years older than me, so she'd be older but not in her eighties when my kids graduate high school like my parents would be. She is a very kind and loving person and we see her pretty regularly. But! She is self-employed and her financial situation is very unstable. She also has some pretty serious health issues.

3) My husband's sister and brother-in-law. They are the closest to us in age, but they live in California and we see them very infrequently. The sister is not really a kid person. Her husband is slightly better with kids but still not really a "natural."

I feel like my husband's parents are not even an option. They are the same age as my parents, but act much older. Plus, they live in Georgia. If it's a choice between the two sets of grandparents, my parents win. I also have a brother and SIL, but they are in Germany and not really likely candidates for a bunch of reasons.

What I kind of wish is that I could ask a friend, but that seems like a HUGE thing to ask someone. And I worry that my family would be very upset, even if we had legitimate reasons for not choosing them. Ugh. This whole topic is just the worst. I feel so jealous of my friends with siblings their age who are nearby and have young kids too. For them, this is a no-brainer.

I realize that hopefully it'll never be an issue, but I know we need to have a plan in place.


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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Tue Mar 26, 2013 7:51 pm 
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We have the same issue. I think in our will right now it says my husband's BIL/SIL, because he had the will set up, but fundamentally he and I disagree, I think, though we both readily acknowledge the benefits and drawbacks of each choice.

Like you, we have aging parents. Mine are very active but in/almost in their 70s. My husband's father died a few years ago, his mother is younger than my parents but I worry about her being able to keep up physically with the demands of a toddler.

I think my sister would be a good choice, but she's childfree by choice, which gives my husband pause, and although she's financially secure and good with money, her partner is not so much (a big part of the reason they're not planning to marry any time soon). But he does work fairly easy hours and would be around to take care of V a lot, and she is very much loved by both of them.

My BIL & SIL have a little boy close to V's age. They're financially secure, have a big house, but they both work long hours and their son is with a nanny 60 hrs/week. They spend almost all their vacation time visiting her family in Turkey, which might be a great experience for V or might make her feel kind of left out and dragged along. I know a kid is different, but they have a cat and two dogs that they've dumped on my MIL because they didn't want the bother of caring for them anymore, and I just don't feel like they're in things for the long haul. Maybe that makes me a jerk, but there you go.

We really want someone who'd stay in the Chicago area, where everyone above is now, and I feel like my sister is more rooted there. If we both passed away young there would be plenty of money to raise V, send her to college, etc. so I feel like the financial stuff is not so much of an issue. Anyway, there are plenty of people I know *would* take her, but I feel like my sister would provide a more loving home. I think my husband feels like his brother would provide a more stable, secure home. I guess we value these things differently, even though we don't really disagree about the facts. My husband thinks that my sister would not want to change her lifestyle to raise a kid (we haven't asked yet. I would obviously give her time to think about it), I think his brother (and moreso, SIL) would not love V like their own. It's really really tough.

ETA: Also, there's the vegan thing. I would want her raised vegan, or at the very least vegetarian. Is that asking too much of omnis? I don't know.


Last edited by annak on Tue Mar 26, 2013 7:54 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Tue Mar 26, 2013 7:52 pm 
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We have been meaning to create our will just for this purpose. We've already picked my MIL.

We're lucky because my MIL is only about 50, so by the time the kids are moving-out age, she'll just be 70. So for their younger years, they'd definitely be okay. She also spoke with us about it before we had approached her. She's the logical choice, because we don't communicate much with my parents - we are not on particularly good terms, and I'd never want them to raise my children. FIL (they are separated) wouldn't really be the right person for it. He's lovely, but I think he is happy to be (mostly) done parenting. Anyway, MIL and the kids are super close, so it was easy for us. If we had super close parenting-type friends, we might have considered them, solely for age and whatnot. In all other ways, it seems best for MIL to be the guardian.

I wonder if it would make sense to choose your parents for now, and either update your choice when they are older/less able to care for others, or possibly choose them with a stipulation that should they not be in good health, the kids would go to your sister or husband's sister/BIL? I hope you find an answer that works for you. It's really uncomfortable to think about, but of course, it would be much worse if no one was elected before any hypothetical untimely demise. Thanks for posting this. It really reminded me to get on it.

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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Tue Mar 26, 2013 8:28 pm 
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God, I can't think of a single person in this country who I would want to take care of my kids that would respect my wishes for them to be raised vegan or who would even want them. All I can think of who would take them is my MIL, who, at least is a vegetarian, but she is so Rainman-ishly set in her ways and such a worry-wart (and has warts) and is such a bisque to me and my husband and she's the one who got us investigated by social services because she was worried about Beety's legs and didn't trust us to do anything about it.
I can think of maybe one family in the US who I would trust with my kids, but I am pretty sure they wouldn't want them, even if it were possible. All I can say is thank fork my family don't live in this country because they would totally want my kids and they have tons of money and would legally fight for them, I bet, but they are such crazy, horrible motherforkers, they can go eat a bag of dicks. If they lived in this country, I'd get a will just to say they were totally not allowed near my kids.
As it is, I am fairly sure that without a will, legally my kids would go to our next of kin here, which would my my MIL or one of my SILs -- the one who already has 3 boys would be ideal, but I don't think she would want 3 more and I'm pretty sure she wouldn't raise them as vegans, although otherwise, I have no problems with her.

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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Tue Mar 26, 2013 8:47 pm 
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Oh this is a tough topic. Our only reasonable option would be my oldest brother and sister-in-law. They have three young kids who Ada adores and financially they would be ok. Their schedules are just so busy with the three kids and I have no idea how two more kids would fit into it. We really need to get on making up a will and talking to them about it.

There is no way either of my husband's parents could do it. My mom would probably be the only one who would keep the kids vegan but she could not physically (or mentally) handle two young kids and does not have a stable living situation. Neither of my other two brothers would be an option (they have each maybe seen Ada two or three times since she was born) and my husband's brother wouldn't be an option for many reasons.


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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Tue Mar 26, 2013 9:08 pm 
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My best friend and her husband would take him. He's older so it's a bit easier. They have no plans to ever have their own kids but would be best able to help him grow up right and achieve his goals. Also, he is almost more like them than me. We joke that I am raising their child.

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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Tue Mar 26, 2013 9:22 pm 
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Pinko wrote:
I feel so jealous of my friends with siblings their age who are nearby and have young kids too. For them, this is a no-brainer.


I know you were talking about your friends, but I have two older sisters who live nearby and are aged within 2 1/2 years of me, and both have kids (they are all older, but not a LOT older), and I do not feel comfortable with the idea of either of them raising poopiebaby. I feel closest to my oldest sister and she would probably be my first choice, but her boys are older (10 year old twins and a 6 year old), and her husband likes to take them hunting and fishing and stuff, which I'm really uncomfortable with. Both sisters are also hard-core Baptist Christians and I know they would raise my kid in their religion. When it comes down to it I'm prepared to accept that no one I know will raise him vegan, but I'm not cool with the hunting and I'm very not cool with the religion. My parents still have two at home (my 25 year old brother who will never move out, and my 16 year old sister), and though they are still in their 50s, I have so many problems with the way I was raised (and 'homeschooled') that I really can't see letting them raise my child.

I really hate this topic too, and every time mr. poopie and I have tried to talk about it, we just give up and say we'll talk about it another time.

ETA: mr. poopie also has two sisters, one is older, lives in London and has four girls - I'm not really sure how they would handle adding another kid to that mix, but he is right between their two youngest in age so that would be nice. We just don't really like that brother-in-law at all, and they are also heavily involved in the church. His other sister lives in Birmingham and is married with no kids, and we don't really know if she wants kids or would be interested in raising poopiebaby. She would probably be my preference of everyone because they are most like us in personality and beliefs, and I think she would at least raise poopiebaby vegetarian if we asked. The main problem is that they live a childless life and I would hate to make them feel obliged to change all of that if something happened to us.

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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Tue Mar 26, 2013 9:41 pm 
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poopiebitch wrote:
Pinko wrote:
I feel so jealous of my friends with siblings their age who are nearby and have young kids too. For them, this is a no-brainer.


I know you were talking about your friends, but I have two older sisters who live nearby and are aged within 2 1/2 years of me, and both have kids (they are all older, but not a LOT older), and I do not feel comfortable with the idea of either of them raising poopiebaby.


Yeah, I was thinking of a couple specific people I know. I realize that those factors don't always mean it's an easy decision. It's funny, after I posted I was talking about this with my best friend. I always assumed her sister would take her son and vice versa, but I guess she feels like her husband's brother and sister-in-law would be a better fit. But she knows her sister would be so hurt and for her kid(s) it would mean a cross-state move away from all her relatives. It's such a tough call!


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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Tue Mar 26, 2013 10:31 pm 
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Gah. We need to make wills. It would be great if any of my sisters were in a stable enough place in life to ask this of them. I would trust any of them to do it and at least two of them would raise her vegan or nearly so. And at least one of them, maybe two, would raise her with a strong relationship to Judaism. I think if she lost out on her religion it would make me more sad than if she weren't raised vegan. But it'd be nice to have both. My third sister wouldn't do the vegan thing or the Jewish thing, although she's certainly loving and stable. All my brothers are out (because mentally ill or otherwise impaired). My step-siblings are out.


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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Tue Mar 26, 2013 11:05 pm 
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Yes, we're forked. My sister is close in age and has 2 little boys that are around L's age, but I know she'd favor her kids over mine so hard and wouldn't respect any of my values. My stepmother is abusive and my Dad is 78 and Brett's mom is 79. One of our friends wanted to be our person, but after L was born basically said she didn't want to do and that was that. My BILs are all various stages of completely messed up and L doesn't know any of them.

So we're forked.

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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 2:24 am 
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My sister asked me a long time ago if I would take her kids if needed and I got really excited. Honestly I don't even want to have my own kids because they'd never measure up to how awesome hers are. But then of course I realized that the situation means she has passed away and I got really depressed at the thought. It terrifies me. All I mean to add to this discussion is that I am a single, childless person with a less than stable financial situation but if I had to step up and care for her children I would sacrifice EVERYTHING to provide them the best life possible.


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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 7:26 am 
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Our parents are both nearby, but out for various reasons. My brother isn't really a kid person and lives in South Korea with no plans to permanently settle in the near future. One sister in law who I mentioned in the vent thread is out for obvious reasons and the other sister in law's family would do in a pinch but they're terrified of veganism, have 10 year old twins, and are super religious to boot (we're not). We've got friends that we think would be a fantastic fit, but we always chicken out before asking them! What if they say no! They are going to start trying for their first baby soon, so I know they want kids, I met her working at a daycare so I know she's great with kids, they're veg friendly and share most of our values. We also have cousins that would be a great fit, but they're in Philadelphia and we're in MA. So basically we so just keep putting this off too!


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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 7:47 am 
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We’ve talked a little bit about this recently because it keeps popping up on checklists of things to do before you give birth. We also don’t have a will (either of us). We don’t have any clear cut answers but my parents are the most obvious choice. They are local and I know will be a big part of BabyPunk’s life. They are in their early-mid 60s but active and healthy. I think maybe they would raise her vegetarian. My mom went vegetarian about a year ago so it shouldn’t be a huge deal. I don’t think they know enough about veganism to accomplish that but maybe she would try. It would be a loving home and I wouldn’t have to worry too much about my own values being compromised. My mom definitely considers herself Catholic but my dad considers himself nothing so it was never pushed on us as kids. I think they are already named as guardians for my nephews if something happens to my brother and his wife.
My in laws would not be a bad choice but they are 6 hours away in upstate NY. They are slightly older than my parents and way less active. I do not think I have a shot in hell of them raising BabyPunk vegan or vegetarian. They are definitely hippies and ramble on and on about how great organic and local and natural stuff is blah blah blah and my husband claims they were raised veg for a least a portion of their life and dairy free at another but they are unbelievably waffly. They believe in whatever is convient for them at that moment. I know ive told the story 100 times but these are the people who yammer on and on about local and organic stuff and only eating grass fed local meat and my MIL thinks gluten is evil for some reason despite not having celiac or a known gluten intolerance so I have to hear about that and then they go and order a sausage pizza from Domino’s. I have a real problem with people that are that waffly about their convictions but overall it’s a small thing that irritates me in the grand scheme of they are very loving people and would provide a loving home and would probably take her at the drop of a hat.
My husband has 3 younger siblings and I have 1 older sibling. My brother has 2 boys who are much older (11 & 13) and I don’t have any issues with my brother himself but his wife drives me up a forking wall. She is a crazy gun toting republican and I don’t find her to be particularly mentally stable. They have also never been even remotely financially stable and are horrible with money. My SIL cant hold a steady job for very long because she always finds something wrong with something and someone is horrible because of something and she just jumps around. My husband and I were joking wondering if we could put a clause in our will barring her from ever taking care of our child. I DO NOT WANT BabyPunk raised by her. She is the polar opposite of me.
None of my husband’s siblings are great choices plus they are all for some reason basically in NC despite all being raised in upstate NY. The next oldest brother and my husband do not get along. He has something shoved up his asparagus and did not even speak to the family for several years. He and his current girlfriend are expecting a baby about 3 weeks after us and I think this girlfriend has really helped him come around in terms of his assholishness so maybe there is a relationship to salvage there but obviously we wont be asking them to be guardian of our kid. She also is like uber super Jesus freak. I mean like she posts stuff on fb all the time about Bible quotes and how great Jesus is and it’s so foreign to me it just kind of wigs me out. To each his own but not how I want my kid raised.
My husband’s sister would not be a bad choice but im not sure they want kids. I know her boyfriend wants a family and it’s like a big discussion with them right now but as of right now I would feel bad dumping a kid on them. I don’t think they currently have the lifestyle for it. that could change. They are also both vegetarians and my SIL was vegan for 5 years so I know in that regard she would be in good hands and would at the very least be raised veg.
To be honest I think the youngest brother and his girlfriend would be the best choice down the road but not right now. They are in Buffalo right now going to school but her family is in NC so it wouldn’t surprise me if they ended up in NC eventually. BIL is in dental school and his girlfriend is in nursing school so there is just no way I would dump a kid on them now but down the road I cant imagine they wont have kids so probably for now if we ever get around to actually making a will my parents will be the guardians and we can readdress it at a later date when my parents are too elderly and everyone else is more settled.

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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 8:03 am 
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it's one of those things where you have to acknowledge that the worst has already happened. you and your spouse have died, and your child is now parentless. it's not about finding a perfect solution, it's about finding the least worst solution. that's how i look at it. and it's mostly important if your best choice is not the next of kin.

in our case, either of our parents are currently the best solution. my parents are younger, but T and L would be raised with their religious values. it's not perfect, but I survived, and they are loving and capable. my in-laws would also be ok, but they are a bit older, and less capable.

it's also fine to make your choice based on who is the best option right now, and then change it when your kids are older. for example, if your parents are currently healthy and capable, choose them. in a decade or so, revisit the decision. if their health has declined, or you have other family/friends who would be more capable, you change your decision. like, if you currently have a sibling who's young and financially unstable, well, in 10 years they might be fine.

really though, having insurance is the most important part. someone being financially unstable shouldn't be an issue, because if your deaths are covered, they will have the money to care for your kids.


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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 8:04 am 
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and yeah, while vegan is important, i am going to kind of side-eye you if you think that it's even remotely up there with being loving, non-abusive, and responsible.


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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 8:24 am 
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littlebird wrote:
n a decade or so, revisit the decision. if their health has declined, or you have other family/friends who would be more capable, you change your decision. like, if you currently have a sibling who's young and financially unstable, well, in 10 years they might be fine.

yes yes yes. we went all batso about this when the kids were young [and we had nobody, no options at all, and didn't want to saddle anyone with our ill daughter's care]. Fast forward ten years and we have family all over the place and it's not even an issue.

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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 10:06 am 
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littlebird wrote:
really though, having insurance is the most important part. someone being financially unstable shouldn't be an issue, because if your deaths are covered, they will have the money to care for your kids.



yeah we finally just got life insurance for my husband. we had looked into it several years ago and never went anywhere with it but finally he got life insurance recently.
he is the major bread winner in the house and im quitting my job so soon he will be the ONLY breadwinner. if he was killed/died it would be a total financial devastation for us.

we didnt get me insurance yet because i know part of it was a health test and they weighed you and since im pregnant i figured maybe we should wait. so sometime later i will get some for me so we are both covered.

if i croak in the next 23 business days i have some sort of life insurance through work.

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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 10:08 am 
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littlebird wrote:
and yeah, while vegan is important, i am going to kind of side-eye you if you think that it's even remotely up there with being loving, non-abusive, and responsible.


i agree. none of my choices would probably raise her vegan and only 2 of my choices would probably raise her vegetarian but the good choices are very loving and would provide a stable home.
as much as my inlaws drive me cuckoo bananas sometimes they are incredibly kind/caring/loving people and they did a bang up job (not sarcasm!) with their own kids or else i wouldnt have married one of them.

this is such a yucky sad topic!!!

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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 10:17 am 
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lisa, you should get insurance now! i thought the same thing, but our insurance broker pointed out that late pregnancy and childbirth are statistically more dangerous periods and times when you can easily develop conditions that will affect your ability to get coverage. the health test does take into account your pregnancy, so i don't know that your weight will be a serious barrier. my broker said that i should get my coverage activated immediately... if i developed GD, or sustained some kind of damage during childbirth, it might be harder to get insured after.

plus, while he might not be financially DEVASTATED if you died, if you were the full time childcare provider, he would have to pay someone to do that in your absence.


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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 10:29 am 
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Right now my sister and her husband would get my kids. We initially picked my BFF and her husband, but they now live 3,000 miles away so my kids just don't know them as well. Also, it would mean uprooting my kids since they wouldn't move back here. So my kids would be in the position of losing their parents and moving across the country from everything they know.

We have enough life insurance to cover raising my kids plus some. My sis already knows that she has my blessing to use some of the money to buy a bigger house, and if the kids were still young enough to need this, there is enough money for one of them to quit their jobs to be a SAH parent for as long as needed.

This is a yucky, sad topic, but it's worse if you don't address it. Two of my sisters were adopted because their parents died. We are not family. Our parents were friends, and not even super close by the time they adopted my sisters. My family ended up with them because no one in their biological family wanted my oldest sister because she was "difficult" but they didn't want to split the girls up. There was so much resentment, hurt, finger pointing, blame, etc. over the years and a lot of revisionist history by certain members of the family to try to make themselves not look so bad. This all could have been avoided by a will and making arrangements in advance.


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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 10:32 am 
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annak wrote:

I think my sister would be a good choice, but she's childfree by choice, which gives my husband pause, and although she's financially secure and good with money, her partner is not so much (a big part of the reason they're not planning to marry any time soon). But he does work fairly easy hours and would be around to take care of V a lot, and she is very much loved by both of them.


ETA: Also, there's the vegan thing. I would want her raised vegan, or at the very least vegetarian. Is that asking too much of omnis? I don't know.


My brother and his partner are child free by choice, but he is really the only acceptable person for us to choose. My parents are too old, my partner's mother in insane, my brother with kids is super fundamentalist religious (an upbringing which I moved across the country to get away from). So my values just match better with my child-free brother. The vegan thing is not my primary concern, but I think he would do at least veg.

Anyway, I was really nervous to ask him and put it off for so long, but I finally worked up the nerve a few months back and I'm so glad I did! He was honored to be asked and this situation will probably never actually come up but I can rest assured that its taken care of.


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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 11:09 am 
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littlebird wrote:
lisa, you should get insurance now! i thought the same thing, but our insurance broker pointed out that late pregnancy and childbirth are statistically more dangerous periods and times when you can easily develop conditions that will affect your ability to get coverage. the health test does take into account your pregnancy, so i don't know that your weight will be a serious barrier. my broker said that i should get my coverage activated immediately... if i developed GD, or sustained some kind of damage during childbirth, it might be harder to get insured after.

plus, while he might not be financially DEVASTATED if you died, if you were the full time childcare provider, he would have to pay someone to do that in your absence.


that's a good point i hadnt thought of obviously. ill have to discuss with my husband tonight.
we just sort of assumed it was a bad time for me to go through the health exam since your body is all whacked out during pregnancy.
but yeah duh they know about that.

i have to ask my husband who he even put down as the beneficiary as i think he needed 2 in case the #1 person (ie me) also died at the same time, and we kept having this discussion and i kept saying "just ask them if you can put down unborn child or if we have to do it later"
because doing it later is all fine and good except i know he wont :-P
not sure if it ended up being me and his mom or something

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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 11:33 am 
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Nooch of Earl
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Location: Bella Napoli
Yes, I should clarify that obviously the vegan thing is not isuse #1 to us. But it's one of those things I can only really talk about here without being regarded as crazy for even considering it. And I don't think it's unreasonable to want someone who shares most of our values, and vegetarianism is part of those values. Raising her to be compassionate and respectful are related to that.

I also have a very good friend who has offered to take her, although I don't know how seriously. She has a little girl of a similar age, we share similar attitudes and experiences.. it would work out, I think, but my husband would probably not agree to place her out of the family. I also think my family would be offended/upset. I should probably talk to my sister, sound the idea out with her.. I think she'd be the best choice despite not having her life set up to raise kids right now, but it's a hard conversation to start. Especially since we don't see them in person much!


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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 12:05 pm 
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Wrote Dissertation on Vegans, Meat, and the Deserted Island Question
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I'm very lucky that I have 4 siblings that I'm not terribly close to but like and respect as people. My parents are out of the question because my dad is 81 and mom is 75. My oldest brother lives here in NJ and would be a good choice but has 3 kids of his own already and a wife who seems to have a lot of control issues. But I have 2 sisters and either one of them would be great - both are financially stable, and one is a parent to a great little boy and the other has 5 stepkids (but she only sees them every other weekend and they are teenagers.) I am thinking the one with the stepkids would do it if asked, because she kinda wanted kids of her own but the guy she married had a vasectomy after his 5th kid. She is a great person and as a bonus, lives within an hour of my partner's sister, who is also very awesome and loves our kids but is very into being a single, unfettered woman.
The vegan thing is difficult because while I know any of the people mentioned above would at least attempt to respect our wishes, I wonder what the chance of kids remaining vegan while living in a completely omni household is.


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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 12:25 pm 
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***LIES!!!***
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littlebird wrote:
it's one of those things where you have to acknowledge that the worst has already happened. you and your spouse have died, and your child is now parentless. it's not about finding a perfect solution, it's about finding the least worst solution. that's how i look at it. and it's mostly important if your best choice is not the next of kin.

in our case, either of our parents are currently the best solution. my parents are younger, but T and L would be raised with their religious values. it's not perfect, but I survived, and they are loving and capable. my in-laws would also be ok, but they are a bit older, and less capable.

it's also fine to make your choice based on who is the best option right now, and then change it when your kids are older. for example, if your parents are currently healthy and capable, choose them. in a decade or so, revisit the decision. if their health has declined, or you have other family/friends who would be more capable, you change your decision. like, if you currently have a sibling who's young and financially unstable, well, in 10 years they might be fine.

really though, having insurance is the most important part. someone being financially unstable shouldn't be an issue, because if your deaths are covered, they will have the money to care for your kids.



Yeah, I don't know if that's true, because someone who doesn't deal well with money won't deal well whether it's money they earned or money from insurance or inheritance. For some people they just can't earn enough to be stable right now, but for others, it'll be a lifelong problem no matter what kind of jobs they have or money they come into.

But I agree today's decision is not a forever decision necessarily.


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