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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 12:33 pm 
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We really need to make a will also. Our order is:

1. My parents. They live right below us. Our kids see them everyday. They are retired and would financially be able to take care of the kids.
2. My MIL. Issue with her is that she works and someone would need to watch the kids.
3. My sister. She isn't financially secure but life insurance should take care of all kid related things.
4. My BIL. Right now the above 3 choices would all need to be dead themselves for this to be a possibility. He is wonderful and loves the kids and they love him but...yeah..no.
5. All of the above...if anything did happen to us all 4 choices would work together so that our two kids are well taken care of. We are very lucky.

Whether they stay vegan/vegetarian or start going to church if my husband and I are dead doesn't matter to me. We will be dead. We no longer exist and will have no control over anything anymore. I personally don't even think it's even something to worry about (for us) but completely understand if other people worry about these things and that they affect your choice. I could still be alive and my kids decided to do these things on their own. What can ya do? :)

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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 12:33 pm 
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We actually need to have this discussion as well, even though we have many times in the past. It is a bit of a sore spot.

We agreed on my parents. My mom doesn't work, they are fairly young, they are financially able, etc.

My husband went to Afghanistan recently (he is back now), and they more or less force you to do a will with JAG before you go. It is very perfunctory, not a big thing, we never talk about it (he has one done every time). Well, this is the first time he went that we had a child, and he put his sister as the one to take our son if anything happened to both of us. He was SO lucky I read this after he left, because I was enraged. I love my sister in law, and in 10-15 years, she may very well be the best option. But right now she is a graduate student who doesn't know anything about raising a child, doesn't have the means to raise a child, doesn't even have the space to raise a child. So I know he would end up with my in laws and THAT is not okay. Like someone else said of theirs, they are the same age as my parents, but they act so old. They aren't fun, they're just not like us at all, and I don't want them to raise him.

Our only other option really is my brother and his wife. They would probably be our best bet amongst our siblings, but they live in LA in a teeny apartment with 2 giant dogs. Same as my SIL, in 10 years, maybe. Right now though, really, my parents are the best choice.


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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 12:42 pm 
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littlebird wrote:
and yeah, while vegan is important, i am going to kind of side-eye you if you think that it's even remotely up there with being loving, non-abusive, and responsible.


Obviously it's not the most important thing, but if you could choose for your kids to be with someone who would take proper care of them and love them AND raise them with the values you wanted to raise them with, wouldn't you? And for me, someone who didn't respect the reasonable wishes of the dead would probably not be someone I really wanted my kids to learn how to be in the world from.


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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 12:53 pm 
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I've honestly never thought about it. I guess the people I'd want them to go to are my brother-in-law and his wife, but I have no idea how they'd feel about that. (My parents in law would be my first choice except they're older and currently really busy taking care of other ailing family members.)

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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 1:04 pm 
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Ugh. I hate thinking about this. Once we had the twins, we got a big life insurance policy for me even though I'm not working now because if something happened to me, the childcare costs for three kids under 3 would be really high.

As for if me and my husband were gone, my parents would be my first choice now, but I can see my sister and BIL turning into my first choice eventually. My parents are in their early 60s and are currently in good heath, but based on how long my grandparents lived, I'm not sure if both my parents will make it to see my children graduate from high school. I think my sister and husband would be loving and responsible guardians, but right now they are living a pretty child-unfriendly lifestyle. My MIL and FIL would honestly probably be more stable than either my parents or sister, but they are just too old to keep up with young kids, so they would be a last resort.


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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 1:17 pm 
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while i totally agree that the main focus should be on a loving and caring and stable home i do think the vegan thing can be important in terms of how much the potential caregivers are in sync with your morals/values.

for me i know probably none of my potential choices would raise my child 100% vegan and only a couple might raise her vegetarian but i know that they would teach them about what mommy was like and what mommy believed in and values that are very close to my own.

this is a big reason i dont want my brother's wife as a caretaker. you couldnt find someone more opposite of me than her. she's not a bad person by any means but ive never seen much evidence of them teaching their children to respect all viewpoints and that other people in the world believe different things than them and that is ok and they need to be respected. in her world the 2nd amendment is the most important thing on the face of the planet, all liberals are idiots (thanks SIL! love being insulted!), and we all hunt things and eat meat. my older nephew is outright rude to me about my veganism. it makes family meals lots of fun!

i dont want my kid raised in that environment.

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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 3:01 pm 
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We have been meaning to have wills drawn up forever. I've been really embarrassed about it, but I'm glad to realize that lots of people don't have their wills taken care of! (I mean, it's bad, but at least we're normal.)

Even though we don't have wills made yet, we have an agreement with Mr. Coot's cousin (though of course I know without wills a court battle would probably ensue between the grandparents). We are their child's guardians (officially) and they are ours (unofficially). I don't think they would raise our kids vegan if they were young and I don't think I would ask them to, although if our kids were older and identified as vegan I believe they would respect that. It's just honestly not at the top of my list of concerns. They are progressive and educated people who parent with a similar philosophy and are financially stable. My aunt and her partner are our back-ups.

I'm not comfortable with my parents doing it because even though they're 55, financially stable and excellent with money my mother was not the most emotionally healthy mother. I would be all for my MIL, who is the same age, but I hate her obnoxious husband, and she isn't as financially stable or technologically savvy so I would worry that our kids wouldn't have as much opportunity (that probably sounds really shallow). My brother would never want to take our kids so I have never considered it as an option.

We do each have pretty big life insurance policies that we got when I got pregnant. I know that if I died, Mr. Coot would have to hire out literally everything -- childcare, cooking, housework -- and that would take a big toll.


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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 3:23 pm 
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Ariann wrote:
littlebird wrote:
it's one of those things where you have to acknowledge that the worst has already happened. you and your spouse have died, and your child is now parentless. it's not about finding a perfect solution, it's about finding the least worst solution. that's how i look at it. and it's mostly important if your best choice is not the next of kin.

in our case, either of our parents are currently the best solution. my parents are younger, but T and L would be raised with their religious values. it's not perfect, but I survived, and they are loving and capable. my in-laws would also be ok, but they are a bit older, and less capable.

it's also fine to make your choice based on who is the best option right now, and then change it when your kids are older. for example, if your parents are currently healthy and capable, choose them. in a decade or so, revisit the decision. if their health has declined, or you have other family/friends who would be more capable, you change your decision. like, if you currently have a sibling who's young and financially unstable, well, in 10 years they might be fine.

really though, having insurance is the most important part. someone being financially unstable shouldn't be an issue, because if your deaths are covered, they will have the money to care for your kids.



Yeah, I don't know if that's true, because someone who doesn't deal well with money won't deal well whether it's money they earned or money from insurance or inheritance. For some people they just can't earn enough to be stable right now, but for others, it'll be a lifelong problem no matter what kind of jobs they have or money they come into.

But I agree today's decision is not a forever decision necessarily.


To me there is a difference between financially unable to care for two extra kids all of the sudden, and financially irresponsible. I don't know anyone who has enough extra money that they could just care for my kids without it being a burden to them. Especially because my daughter has special needs, and it's unclear at this point what level of care she will need long term, if any. That's what life insurance is for. However if someone were financially irresponsible, then yes, they would blow through the insurance.

We are lucky in that my sister and BIL are good with money, and I trust them 100% to do what is in my kids best interests. However, you can set up a trust so that one person has custody and raises the kids and a different person has control of the money. So if you have someone who is loving and kind, but financially a disaster, this might be a good option for you.


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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 5:17 pm 
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You probably also need someone local to help transition your child on an emergency basis if your ultimate custodian lives far away, otherwise your kid probably would go from the hospital or school or wherever right to a foster care placement, while they figured out who your next of kin etc are.

This thread is depressing me so bad. I keep looking at it and crying. We have money set aside for her care, and can guarantee her expenses all through to college, but we just have no one. Our dog will go to my husband's mother. I need to make better arrangements for the cats.

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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 5:34 pm 
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A friend of mine lost her mum when she was 6, and her Dad remarried, and her stepmother was really mean to her and favored their kids over her. She basically remembers her childhood as hiding in her secret spot hoping to avoid getting slapped. There are some things you just can't control after you die. But you can do your best.

I don't want to die.

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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 6:11 pm 
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Tofulish wrote:
A friend of mine lost her mum when she was 6, and her Dad remarried, and her stepmother was really mean to her and favored their kids over her. She basically remembers her childhood as hiding in her secret spot hoping to avoid getting slapped. There are some things you just can't control after you die. But you can do your best.

I don't want to die.


Yeah, my friend lost her mother when she was 11. Her stepmom was child free by choice so her father shipped her off to boarding school, even though my family offered to take her in so she could stay local with her friends and older siblings. It was awful for her. Needless to say, she has no contact wih her father now that she is an adult.


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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 6:17 pm 
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Tofulish wrote:


This thread is depressing me so bad. I keep looking at it and crying. We have money set aside for her care, and can guarantee her expenses all through to college, but we just have no one. Our dog will go to my husband's mother. I need to make better arrangements for the cats.



Yeah, this is the most depressing thread ever. I would have just scrolled quickly past it forever if I wasn't a mod.

We have family that would love our kids endlessly if we died, but no one who would raise them in the way we would like for them to be raised (I'm talking more about emotional/education care than veganism).

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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 6:59 pm 
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I'm sorry for starting such a downer thread. It's something I've been worrying about and I can't really talk about it with many of the people in real life that I'd normally discuss hard stuff like this with, since they're emotionally invested in our decision too. It's been really helpful for me to read other people's thoughts about this. But if it's not appropriate, I apologize.


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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 7:10 pm 
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Eh, I think it's important to think and talk about! Just unpleasant. No one wants to die or think about dying or think about their kids losing them, etc, but it's even worse to think about your kids alone in that situation, shuffled around in foster care, etc.

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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 7:12 pm 
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I talked to my Maa about this thread and she said she would definitely raise my children vegan/vegetarian unless they themselves wanted to change their diets which is exactly how we are raising them.

Then my Maa said that she asked a good female family friend to watch out for me and my sister if/when my mother passes on. It was so sweet. We are in our early-mid 30's and my Maa is still making sure that there will always be someone around for my sister and I. I could cry it's so sweet.

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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 7:13 pm 
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Yes, exactly. I think about it all the time, because we just have no good options. That is the depressing part.

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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 7:23 pm 
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tofulish...what would be your best option of all your bad options? Just so L at least has somewhere to go and then you can always change it when you find someone more to your liking.

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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 7:37 pm 
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Hahahaha, it would probably be asking you if you'd take her long enough to have someone from my family take her. Honestly, she'd end up with my sister or my stepmother, both of which would be pretty terrible (they're both pretty emotionally abusive), but at least it wouldn't be foster care.

Of course, that should really happen not on this thread :)

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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 7:40 pm 
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Tofulish- There is no reason it has to be family that takes her. If you have friends who would do a better job, then ask them. If you don't have those friends now, but at some point make such friends, ask then and change your will then.


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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 7:43 pm 
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I know. I just felt so burned when my one friend said she'd take L and then basically dropped out of communication and made it clear she didn't want anything to do with L. We had all the long conversations about it, she assured me she understood and was fine with it, I explained exactly the financial angles and she said absolutely no question, and that it was an honor and blahblahblah. It wasn't like I randomly just asked her in passing - it was a thought out series of conversations. I don't want to ask people and have them say yes and then disappear. Its fine if they do it now, but what if she had done that after something had happened to us?


Anyway, sorry to be depressing.

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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 7:54 pm 
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coldandsleepy wrote:
Eh, I think it's important to think and talk about! Just unpleasant.


This!

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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Thu Mar 28, 2013 2:33 am 
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Tofulish wrote:
Yes, exactly. I think about it all the time, because we just have no good options. That is the depressing part.

UGH, I know exactly how you feel. When I realised my MIL was one of our best options....

I would totally take the kids of anybody I know -- I'd be happy to respect their parents' religious wishes and such, as well -- I'd hate to lose a friend, but I'd love to have more children and I know I could love any new additions to our family as much as I love my own kids. We're not wealthy, but we're frugal enough that we could afford more kids -- although I don't think anybody I know is interested in having me as a guardian.

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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Thu Mar 28, 2013 7:22 am 
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ahh Pinko i dont think it's an appropriate thread at all. just sad to think about.

it's kind of given me a kick in the butt to remember to talk to my parents about it even if we dont get around to actually drawing up a will anytime soon.

not that i think they would in a million years ever say no but it would be nice to ask them first.

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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Thu Mar 28, 2013 8:38 am 
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I am child free by choice and this came up recently in a discussion with my sister about her 2 children. I don't know if she was trying to sound me out about taking them but looking back now I think she was and I didn't pick up on it enough. This thread has really made me think about it in the opposite way. My sister and I are quite alike in some ways but she takes the family to church, they all eat meat, her husband has some very strange beliefs. I would happily take her children (though I'm not sure what my husband would say) but I would not want to take them to church or feed them meat. So it's kind of the opposite of what you are all saying. I would still bring them up reminding them of what their parents were like and what they believed and why, and I would love them and try and do anything for their futures, we are financially more stable than my sister, we both work reasonally high up in education and know a lot about some things that wouldn't even occur to my sister. But, I wouldn't be continuing with my sisters and her husband core values.

So as the person who is potentially being asked, I would say to sit down with the person you are thinking about and discuss why you are thinking about them and how you want your children bringing up and see what fits. It might be that something that seems very important now is outweighed by something the potential carer says that you hadn't even thought about.

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Last edited by Efcliz on Thu Mar 28, 2013 8:40 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Who would take your kids if something happened to you?
PostPosted: Thu Mar 28, 2013 8:39 am 
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We have already spoken to my sister and BIL and they said they would gladly raise our baby if need be. They are completely the opposite of vegan in diet, but we mostly have the same values and education/work ethic. Their discipline methods are not exactly in line with what we have planned (they occasionally spank) but overall I think they would provide a stable and loving environment. We haven't done anything about a formal will though. I guess since we have no real assests to speak of I could maybe find a document on-line to use instead of needing to hire a lawyer for that right?

This thread is putting the fire under my behind to do 3 things I REALLY needed to do and haven't - buy life insurance, get a will, and get a smoke detector. I realized after living in my house for almost a year that there isn't a smoke detector, how weird is that?!


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