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 Post subject: Pregnancy Loss Support Thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 02, 2013 1:17 pm 
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Can we have a thread like this? Is it too spooky or depressing for the playground?

I've been away from the ppk for a few months, partially because after my second miscarriage it is just too painful to read about other peoples' healthy pregnancies (which sounds awful when I come out and say it--of course I want everyone else's pregnancies to go well, it's just that reading about it feels like a kick in the gut). We're trying again after several months off for testing/emotional recovery, and I'm in the two-week wait period, and I'm absolutely terrified. I just had a good sob in the shower. I don't know if I can do this again. I don't know how I'll continue functioning if we have another loss. I never understood how devastating this could be until it happened to me. I guess I just want to be heard by other parents who understand.


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 Post subject: Re: Pregnancy Loss Support Thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 02, 2013 1:30 pm 
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I am so very sorry mitten. Sending you lots and lots of love and good thoughts <3

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 Post subject: Re: Pregnancy Loss Support Thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 02, 2013 1:33 pm 
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I think it's definitely ok to have a thread like this.

I'm sorry you had two miscarriages mitten. I had one and at the time of it I was like oh well. It took awhile for the sadness of it to even kick in and even now I still find myself thinking about it every once in awhile wondering what went wrong with that pregnancy.

Good luck with everything! I'll listen to whatever you need to say.

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 Post subject: Re: Pregnancy Loss Support Thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 02, 2013 1:46 pm 
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I'm helping support a friend who had a miscarriage a couple of months ago and is still recovering. She needs some huge fibroids removed before she can even try again, and she's feeling pretty awful about the whole thing still. She finally has a date for surgery, but it'll be many months before she can even consider getting pregnant and even then there might still be complications.

Having talked to her so much about _1_ miscarriage, I can't imagine how _2_ would be... It's a lot to work through. So while I obviously don't know first-hand (not having the parts for it), yeah. It's a terrible thing. I hope it works for you next time...

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 Post subject: Re: Pregnancy Loss Support Thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 02, 2013 2:02 pm 
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Thanks. The thing is, before this happened I really thought early miscarriage was no big deal. Mine were at 7 weeks and then 6. I never even had an ultrasound until well into the bleeding, so I don't even know if there was a fetus either time. I never saw a heartbeat or had any reason to feel hopeful or get attached, except that I was naive because my first pregnancy was so easy and uneventful. A year ago I never would have felt like a pregnancy at 6 weeks represented a child, just a bundle of cells with potential, so the extent of my grieving has really knocked me on my asparagus. And I feel guilty for not understanding before, when it happened to other moms. I just didn't get it.

solipsistnation, one piece of advice I have is to make sure you check in with your friend around the due date for the pregnancy she lost, because that's been hard.


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 Post subject: Re: Pregnancy Loss Support Thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 02, 2013 2:11 pm 
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mittenmacher wrote:
solipsistnation, one piece of advice I have is to make sure you check in with your friend around the due date for the pregnancy she lost, because that's been hard.


I've heard "There would have been a detectable heartbeat this week" already, but I hadn't thought about the due date. Thank you for the reminder.

(Unless she's actually pregnant then, I guess, although I bet she still thinks about it because she's the sort of person who will. They had a lot of trouble getting pregnant in the first place (for reasons that annoy her and I won't go into) so it was a big deal that she was in the first place. Who knows how long it'll take next time...)

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 Post subject: Re: Pregnancy Loss Support Thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 02, 2013 2:15 pm 
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Hugs to you, Mittenmacher. I've missed you. I'm so sorry for your losses.

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 Post subject: Re: Pregnancy Loss Support Thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 02, 2013 2:16 pm 
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Hugs to you mitten.

When I miscarried I was very jealous of the friend who was pregnant. I was angry. These are normal feelings.

Just so many hugs.

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 Post subject: Re: Pregnancy Loss Support Thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 02, 2013 2:17 pm 
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I don't have any personal experience of miscarriage or pregnancy, but this thread made me think of a short graphic story which helped me understand a bit more about the subject by one of my favourite cartoonists, Kate Evans: http://www.cartoonkate.co.uk/unravelling/

ETA: I should have included trigger warnings for that cartoon in the link as it deals with miscarriage and suicide. Apologies if anyone clicked through before this edit.

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Last edited by Imogen on Fri Aug 02, 2013 2:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Pregnancy Loss Support Thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 02, 2013 2:18 pm 
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I'm so sorry for your losses. I can't imagine what you must be going through right now. I'll be wishing for the best for you. <3


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 Post subject: Re: Pregnancy Loss Support Thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 02, 2013 2:24 pm 
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I think its useful to remember that everyone has different feelings, and we don't all grieve the same way so there isn't a single blueprint for what to offer. I hope its okay that I share that. I had an early loss before we had L and I was 5 months pregnant at what would have been my due date with the first pregnancy, and I thought about it, but only in passing. The first pregnancy that I lost was magical - we suspected it in Morocco, it was over 2 years in the making and I really felt all the stuff you feel when you are pregnant for the first time, and when I look at my photos from that trip, I am reminded of how very happy I was to be pregnant and yet that loss didn't shake me. I think it can be hard when people expect you to feel a certain way, and tiptoe around you and for me it made me feel guilty for not having more meaningful feelings about it.

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Last edited by Tofulish on Fri Aug 02, 2013 2:32 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Pregnancy Loss Support Thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 02, 2013 2:26 pm 
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you've been missed mittenmacher! I'm very sorry for your losses and am glad you posted because I think there is certainly a place for this topic here.
our very close friend/downstairs neighbor has been trying for a couple years and has had 2 miscarriages as well. She is almost 42 and also mentioned that their next attempt will be the last, in part because her health insurance won't cover any more! incredibly unfair. I have many moments of absolute sadness for her because she hears/sees our kids all the time and she's so lovely to them, but the hurt she must feel...


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 Post subject: Re: Pregnancy Loss Support Thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 02, 2013 2:32 pm 
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Hey mitten, I was just thinking about you and wondering how you were doing. I hope your next pregnancy will work out... two losses is a lot for anyone to have to bear, not to mention two in a row.

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 Post subject: Re: Pregnancy Loss Support Thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 02, 2013 2:42 pm 
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Tofulish wrote:
I think its useful to remember that everyone has different feelings, and we don't all grieve the same way so there isn't a single blueprint for what to offer. I hope its okay that I share that.


Yes, totally, of course.


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 Post subject: Re: Pregnancy Loss Support Thread
PostPosted: Sat Aug 03, 2013 11:51 pm 
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Big hugs to you, I'm so sorry for your losses.


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 Post subject: Re: Pregnancy Loss Support Thread
PostPosted: Mon Aug 05, 2013 8:38 am 
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Mitten, my heart goes out to you. So hard to go through. I'm glad you started this thread because we really need to be there for each other. So many of us have gone through losses and no one really talks about it in real life. I totally understand the not even being able to hear about other people's babies part. I cried every time I saw a baby or a pregnant woman for months. It doesn't matter how early the pregnancy was, it just matters how real if felt to you, I think.

Even when you get past a loss, it's still there in the back of your mind and I still find myself randomly crying when I think about the details. PPK got me through my loss when I didn't think I would ever get through it, it's amazing how much it helps to know that other people go through the same thing and how much everyone else cares. I really hope things start to get easier for you.

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 Post subject: Re: Pregnancy Loss Support Thread
PostPosted: Mon Aug 05, 2013 12:43 pm 
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Just wanted to pop on here and say I'm sending you lots of love and hugs, mittens. You mamas are so strong.


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 Post subject: Re: Pregnancy Loss Support Thread
PostPosted: Tue Aug 06, 2013 3:56 pm 
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So good to see you around again! The feeling of not wanting to be around lots of pregnant ladies is certainly understandable. I can remember just bawling one day, right in the middle of the bus during our long journey to make Freya, as I watched some lady out the window cuddling and shushing her fussing baby.

I hope you and Mr. Mitten make a sticky bean soon. Walter is the most amazing munchkin..he'll be a great big brother. :)


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 Post subject: Re: Pregnancy Loss Support Thread
PostPosted: Tue Aug 06, 2013 6:11 pm 
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I'm glad you are back too mitten. I was just thinking we needed more pictures of Walter. I find it so hard to comment on threads like this because I have no idea what to say - just that I feel awful for your losses and wish that your next pregnancy sticks!


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 Post subject: Re: Pregnancy Loss Support Thread
PostPosted: Tue Aug 06, 2013 11:12 pm 
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Terribly sad that we need it, but I think this thread is a great idea, because pregnancy losses are so incredibly common yet so little talked-about. It's great to see you back, Mitten, and once again I'm so so sorry for the losses you have suffered.

mittenmacher wrote:
solipsistnation, one piece of advice I have is to make sure you check in with your friend around the due date for the pregnancy she lost, because that's been hard.


I can second this advice, at least for me. I was ~14 weeks pregnant on what would have been the due date of my previous pregnancy, and though we'd already seen a healthy ultrasound at 11 weeks, I was still waiting for the first doppler/heartbeat appointment at 15 weeks before feeling comfortable in myself that the pregnancy was progressing, and I found that time quite difficult and emotional.


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 Post subject: Re: Pregnancy Loss Support Thread
PostPosted: Wed Aug 07, 2013 12:22 am 
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I~m so sorry to hear about your losses, m.
mittenmacher wrote:
.... I just didn't get it.

it is so hard because i don't think we're prepared in any way for bad things to happen. when they do many times we lack other people's experiences for support or commiseration and so sometimes assume it must be our own faults or inadequacies, etc etc simply for lack of another context.
i wonder sometimes how many other people are out there with their own losses and grief that they can't feel comfortable sharing and so they carry it alone.
big hugs to you and i just wish you healing, physical and mental.

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 Post subject: Re: Pregnancy Loss Support Thread
PostPosted: Thu Aug 08, 2013 8:19 am 
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I wanted to share my experience with the miscarriage, just because I felt like I didn't have a lot of information going into it, and maybe this can help someone and of course it is cathartic for me.

First, my midwife was really nice and when they did the scan, they showed me that there wasn't a fetus in there any longer. And it was pretty obvious that the MD doing the scan had a very kind spiel that he ran through (which I didn't really want to hear because I could hear Leela in the waiting room). He said "I just wanted to make sure you know that this isn't your fault." Which was nice. But then he went on to say "Well at your age we see a higher rate of fetuses with genetic abnormalities that are incompatible with life." So now I've been feeling more hesitant about trying for another, because I really would prefer not to go through this again, and that has me feeling a bit sad, because I still hope for a simple and uneventful and easy pregnancy.

Second, I wanted to share my experience with the cytotec, because everything I read online made me so nervous that it was going to be more painful than it ended up being. They give you three choices when you're having an early miscarriage - let it proceed naturally, take cytotec/misoprostol (adding mifeprestone if the fetus still has a heartbeat) to speed things along or go to a D&C to remove the "products of conception." I was a bit nervous about using cytotec because you hear so many scary stories about it producing really hard contractions in labor, but then figured it would be nice to just get this over and not have to have a D&C. My midwife offered pain killers but said with BFing I should probably just take 4 Advil.

I put the four pills as close to my cervix as I could at 2:30 and napped next to Leela, so they would stay in place. The effect is supposed to start between 6-24 hours, but an hour in I could feel it working, so I started to get nervous that this was going to be really strong. Brett was scheduled to come home at 6, and the contractions were very light until he and L left at 6:30 (they went out to dinner). And the contractions got a little stronger, but no where near what I had in labor, just a bit of pressure. I didn't need the Advil, but took an Aleve just to take the edge off. I just cleaned the house and watched television for about 2 hours, and kept going back to the toilet and then by about 8, I had expelled what felt a large solid clot and was probably the remainder of the yolk sac and the placenta, and then the contractions eased up and by 9 I felt like I was back to normal. I wasn't hungry last night, but I did keep drinking a lot of water because it made it easier to pass clots etc when I was peeing. I am still bleeding a little, but its not heavy at all, and I am going to go back in 2 weeks to see my midwife and figure out if anything was retained, but I am hopeful that its all passed.

I found the cytotec miscarriage much less traumatic than I would have expected, based on what I read online. This was a 7 week pregnancy and it was pretty uneventful. I had an experience with the mifeprostone/misoprostol combination at 12 weeks and that had harder contractions and was more uncomfortable, but in my experience the chemically induced miscarriages have been easier than the D&Cs. But I do know people for whom that was not the case.

I really loved the home birth midwife (Jessica Lawlor for you NJ people!). She checked in on me at every stage and provided me with an supportive ear and a lot of great advice and things to ask, even though I never hired her as my caregiver. She was beyond kind. And I am grateful that I got so much care and support from people - I wouldn't have expected as many people to offer to bring us food, watch Leela or walk the dog etc, and it made me feel like I wasn't alone. I love being part of a community where we can share the good and the bad things and support one another through all of it.

Thanks for listening <3

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 Post subject: Re: Pregnancy Loss Support Thread
PostPosted: Thu Aug 08, 2013 9:49 am 
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That's interesting, T. My OB never mentioned any options besides letting the miscarriage proceed on its own (one at 7 weeks and one at 6). I bled heavily for about a week each time, and had cramps for two or three days. It was worse than a period, but totally bearable.

Thank you for sharing your experience. This stuff is so common, but nobody talks about it, so when it happens to you it can feel so isolating.

In other news, I have an appointment tomorrow to discuss supplementing progesterone for my next pregnancy. My cycles are sometimes quite short (24 days), so it's reasonable to suspect a luteal phase defect. I'm also taking baby aspirin because my testing turned up an autoimmune clotting disorder. My numbers were only slightly out-of-whack, so it's hard to know if that's what caused my other losses. The OB at maternal fetal medicine said if I want, for peace of mind, I could do daily injections of heparin (a blood thinner) throughout my next pregnancy, but I'm not ready to go there yet. No matter what, I'm high risk now, so if I can get a fetus to stick around I'll have tons of bloodwork, monthly ultrasounds until 24 weeks, and then weekly ultrasounds (to look for blood clots in the placenta). This is not what I was expecting, after my first pregnancy was so easy, but at this point I'll go along with almost anything to have one more healthy baby.


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 Post subject: Re: Pregnancy Loss Support Thread
PostPosted: Thu Aug 08, 2013 11:22 am 
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Thanks for your story, tofulish. I've been away, so I'm sorry I wasn't around to send my condolences earlier.

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 Post subject: Re: Pregnancy Loss Support Thread
PostPosted: Thu Aug 08, 2013 2:31 pm 
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I also didn't know, T. I'm sorry, and hugs to everybody in this thread. God knows we all could probably use some.

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