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 Post subject: stranger danger phase
PostPosted: Thu Nov 14, 2013 1:10 pm 
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anyone have any tips for making the stranger danger phase less frustrating?

BP is definitely in the stranger danger phase and it's going to coincide with the holidays (lucky me)
it's not just strangers either. it's anyone holding her that isnt me or my husband.

i went to visit my parents last weekend whom she has seen many times and they even babysat for her once while we went to a wedding and she screamed the entire time we were there.

we're going to my inlaws for several days for Thanksgiving and i feel like it's going to be a disaster.

it seems worst when she's tired so at least i have figured that part out.

not to be stereotypical but i seem to know a lot of women who are basically like "oh it;s ok ill get her to stop crying" and then wont relinquish her while shes screaming and only wants mommy. what is this about women? ive yet to have a dude do it to me.

obviously i need to become better about putting my foot down.

how long does this last anyhow?

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Damn dirty vegan hippies and their carob.~~Moon

It's just funny to think that we could go through years of this, become the president of the damn country, and still, we'd be eating pasta with veggies at every. damn. function.~~Joyfulgirl


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 Post subject: Re: stranger danger phase
PostPosted: Thu Nov 14, 2013 1:18 pm 
Drunk Dialed Ian MacKaye
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It lasted several months for us. I just didn't hand him off. I'd rather hold a content baby than let him cry with someone else. I didn't really give a fork if other people wanted to hold him, because he didn't want them to. I let a couple of close family members hold him briefly, but until he was more comfortable, I just waited it out. Personally, I want my baby happy, even if it means not letting people hold him this time around.

I'd say you don't have any obligation to pass your little one around if she doesn't want to be passed around. I think that's a bit of a sanity saver for you to not have to deal with your baby crying and other people pretending they can stop it. We've done holidays this way before - everyone gets to see the little one, maybe a quick snuggle if baby's feeling brave, but otherwise baby stays happy with mum/dad.

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 Post subject: Re: stranger danger phase
PostPosted: Thu Nov 14, 2013 1:31 pm 
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I'll just say it's a lot harder to hand a baby off when she's in a baby carrier. My excuse was that it was just too much of a pain in the asparagus to get her out of it.


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 Post subject: Re: stranger danger phase
PostPosted: Thu Nov 14, 2013 1:40 pm 
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oh yeah we've been through this many times, because it seems like this phase pops up occasionally throughout childhood. I've had my mom be offended that S won't go near her and ohmygod she does that thing where when Sierra is crying for some random reason, my mom will go up to her holding her arms out like she's going to pick her up, thus causing Sierra to freak out even more! I finally said to her "that really isn't helping, you know!" and she stopped for a little while at least. And when D was a baby she wouldn't go near my dad and he said something like "You should really put her in daycare so she's more social" - this coming from a man who had practically zero to do with his own 5 kids when they were babies, so what the fork does he know about socializing kids?

I'm sorry you're dealing with this though, and it's so hard when grandparents feel "entitled" to hold their grandkids and then act like something must be WRONG with your baby because they only want mama and papa. It's total bullshiitake. Ariann's idea about the carrier is totally a good one, but then (if they're anything like my family) they'll give you grief about "wearing that contraption". I hope you're able to get the family and in-laws to be a little more understanding, and wish you the best over this holiday visit!


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 Post subject: Re: stranger danger phase
PostPosted: Thu Nov 14, 2013 3:33 pm 
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Well, we are kind of still/again in this stage even though tiny wu will be 13 months this weekend. But I think that's more to do with her personality as an individual.

Like others have said, no way do you need to let other people hold your baby. They don't have to; they'll live. But, I think there's lots of hope for the long trip to your in-laws. BP will get time to warm up to them and see that they're people you and Mr. Punk trust, plus they'll have enough time that they can (hopefully) rest assured that even if they didn't snuggle her on the first day, it's not completely out of the question.

Also, this sounds like some weird animal training tip (always approach the tiger from the side, without making eye contact), but try not handing her off. Like don't hand the baby from your arms to someone else. If they want to hold her, let them sit on the floor by her for a while when she's sitting alone, then try picking her up. For us, the transition from one set of arms to another, even from me to daddy, was just really tough.


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 Post subject: Re: stranger danger phase
PostPosted: Thu Nov 14, 2013 3:39 pm 
Drunk Dialed Ian MacKaye
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ScandinaVegan wrote:
Also, this sounds like some weird animal training tip (always approach the tiger from the side, without making eye contact), but try not handing her off. Like don't hand the baby from your arms to someone else. If they want to hold her, let them sit on the floor by her for a while when she's sitting alone, then try picking her up. For us, the transition from one set of arms to another, even from me to daddy, was just really tough.

Oh, this worked for us too! I think it's a little less scary to get scooped up off the floor when playing than it is to be pulled away from mum or dad.

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 Post subject: Re: stranger danger phase
PostPosted: Thu Nov 14, 2013 6:29 pm 
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thanks everyone.

we;re lucky in that both my family and my husband's family are really understanding im just worried about the onslaught of the holidays.

even though both families understand the whole stranger danger/i only want mommy thing they still seem to think sometimes it doesnt apply to them. like "of course she wants to see her grandma!"

when i went to my parents last weekend we knew ahead of time she was having this issue so when i got there i had her in the carseat on the counter and my mom kind of said hi from afar and then when i took her out we went and sat at the table and i held her but sat her up on the table where she could see my mom who had a few toys and we just went really slow. we did ok at that point of the day.
i almost had to kill my dad though. he walked up to her when we were at the table and like stuck his face right in her face and made like a funny loud noise and she was like "OH shiitake!!" and almost started screaming. i was like "dude really? we JUST had a conversation about taking this slow"
he also has a full beard which i think she was unsure of.
as the afternoon wore on she got obviously tired and what i should have done is just said "ok this isnt going to get any better" and just left but they were trying to get me to stay and i was trying to convince myself i could trick her into being ok.
then when she really started freaking out my mom was convinced she could calm her down so she said she was going to go upstairs and rock with her in the rocking chair. i said there was no way that was going to work. this kid only tolerates rocking sometimes and on her terms. it does NOT calm her down. but there is this whole story of how my dad used to have to rock me to sleep for like the first 9 months of my life sooooo i think there was a little bit of the "well it worked on you" thing and as soon as my mom left the room and i was out of eyesite BP went form crying to absolute shrieking.

i guess that day serves as my lesson in "STFU and give me my kid back"

and i think like someone said Thanksgiving might be ok because we will be there for several days. tiredness is definitely the biggest trigger.
i already warned my mother in law about the stranger danger thing and she had 4 kids so she should really understand but she also just had two granddaughters within a month of each other both several hours away from them and she is so excited for thanksgiving i think she may like expire from glee or something.
luckily the other baby will be there and she is 5 weeks younger than BP. i think BP entered the stranger danger phase kind of early too so im thinking if they really need to hold a baby they can hold the other one if BP isnt ready.

ill probably be spending the entire time mentally comparing the two babies and how BP is afraid of everyone and the other one isnt blah blah blah so i may need someone to pull my head out of my asparagus but we'll see.
BP has also been hitting her milestones on the late end of normal so her cousin might be ahead of her developmentally even though shes 5 weeks younger.
luckily though this is not a family that would compare them so at least theres that.
im hoping the presence of the other baby will distract BP from being afraid of the adults because she is definitely intrigued and interested in other babies.

that's a really good tip about letting people pick her up off the floor rather than passing her off. i would have thought the total opposite so thats good to know! i will try that.

im trying a little experiment this weekend. my aunt and uncle want to come over so i told them to come over earlyish so i can gauge how much better she is in the morning when she isnt tired.

we;ll see how it goes

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It's just funny to think that we could go through years of this, become the president of the damn country, and still, we'd be eating pasta with veggies at every. damn. function.~~Joyfulgirl


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 Post subject: Re: stranger danger phase
PostPosted: Fri Nov 15, 2013 2:02 am 
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LisaPunk wrote:
he also has a full beard which i think she was unsure of.


Random, but my dad actually grew a beard because he thought it would make tiny wu like him better since her daddy, uncle, and other grandpa all have beards!


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 Post subject: Re: stranger danger phase
PostPosted: Fri Nov 15, 2013 11:08 pm 
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I agree with what everyone else has said: someone's desire to hold a baby, however adorable, in no way trumps her need not be terrified and upset.

I did have a dude do the "let me stop the crying" thing (after causing the crying). That seemed dumb to me. Over and over I find that just because people had children long ago or even recently, that means nothing when it comes to your child. Or to common sense.


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 Post subject: Re: stranger danger phase
PostPosted: Mon Nov 18, 2013 9:01 pm 
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i feel like the above post has to be spam but i cant quite figure out how.

anywho.....my aunt and uncle came over Saturday morning to deliver a toy box my uncle had made.
the biggest trigger seems to be other people holding her.
she was nice and rested when they got here and i just said (as i had previously told them via email) that she was hardcore in the stranger danger phase and i didnt want them to hold her if that was ok. and they were totally cool with it.
i sat her on the couch near my aunt and she tickled her toes and stuff like that.
she seemed fine with it.
after they had been here awhile i kind of moved her closer to my aunt whom i could tell was dying to hold her but was totally complying with my request.
she kind of leaned over to snuggle her and Charlotte got a little cranky so she just backed off.

this gives me hope for thanksgiving.
i already told my MIL i didnt think it was a good idea for anyone else to hold her when we got there wednesday night and we could take the rest of the week as it came and she was cool with that (for now).

i cant wait for this phase to be over. all my relatives are totally well intentioned and just want to love on her and at least with my inlaws they live really far away so i feel bad they cant spend the quality time they want to with her (ie holding her).
though im guessing im the one who feels the worst about it so i just need to get over my deep desire to please everyone.

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Damn dirty vegan hippies and their carob.~~Moon

It's just funny to think that we could go through years of this, become the president of the damn country, and still, we'd be eating pasta with veggies at every. damn. function.~~Joyfulgirl


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 Post subject: Re: stranger danger phase
PostPosted: Mon Nov 18, 2013 9:09 pm 
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I hope everyone is understanding, LP, but I really can't imagine people wanting to hold a screaming baby! I'd just let babypunk show her opinion about it and maybe they will take the hint.


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 Post subject: Re: stranger danger phase
PostPosted: Thu Nov 21, 2013 10:00 am 
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LisaPunk wrote:
i feel like the above post has to be spam but i cant quite figure out how.
I am not a spambot. I don't see what in my post made you think that. If anyone can figure it out, please say something so I won't do it again.
I was being sincere!
This made me feel pretty unwelcome.


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 Post subject: Re: stranger danger phase
PostPosted: Thu Nov 21, 2013 11:44 am 
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Yesyes wrote:
LisaPunk wrote:
i feel like the above post has to be spam but i cant quite figure out how.
I am not a spambot. I don't see what in my post made you think that. If anyone can figure it out, please say something so I won't do it again.
I was being sincere!
This made me feel pretty unwelcome.


It was probably a post below yours that's already been deleted.

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 Post subject: Re: stranger danger phase
PostPosted: Thu Nov 21, 2013 11:57 am 
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Thanks, quark! That makes sense.


Last edited by Yesyes on Thu Nov 21, 2013 12:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: stranger danger phase
PostPosted: Thu Nov 21, 2013 12:00 pm 
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quark wrote:
Yesyes wrote:
LisaPunk wrote:
i feel like the above post has to be spam but i cant quite figure out how.
I am not a spambot. I don't see what in my post made you think that. If anyone can figure it out, please say something so I won't do it again.
I was being sincere!
This made me feel pretty unwelcome.


It was probably a post below yours that's already been deleted.


yES!!!! This!!!
I was not referring to your post!
There was a weird post below yours that had been there for awhile but didn't have any actual spammy links so I didn't think it would get deleted!!!

I definitely appreciate your post and I apologize I ended up sounding like I was referring to you!!

:-D

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Damn dirty vegan hippies and their carob.~~Moon

It's just funny to think that we could go through years of this, become the president of the damn country, and still, we'd be eating pasta with veggies at every. damn. function.~~Joyfulgirl


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 Post subject: Re: stranger danger phase
PostPosted: Thu Nov 21, 2013 12:05 pm 
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Sorry LisaPunk! The more reasonable explanation didn't occur to me. No need to apologize; you didn't know how the thread would look after the deletion (or that I would take it the wrong way). Thank you for clearing that up!


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 Post subject: Re: stranger danger phase
PostPosted: Thu Nov 21, 2013 12:18 pm 
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the moral of the story is i should leave the spam well enough alone!
hahaha!

:-)

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Damn dirty vegan hippies and their carob.~~Moon

It's just funny to think that we could go through years of this, become the president of the damn country, and still, we'd be eating pasta with veggies at every. damn. function.~~Joyfulgirl


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 Post subject: Re: stranger danger phase
PostPosted: Wed Nov 27, 2013 9:34 pm 
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LisaPunk I can completely empathize with every woman thinking they could calm my baby down when all she really wanted was to just hang out with her mom and be given a chance to get used to her surroundings. Basically I just put my foot down and my future MIL probably thought I was being a bisque but in the end I'm the mom, what I say goes and she slowly began to realize that I knew what I was doing when it came to my kid. I love the idea of having the kiddo in a carrier or sling. I have to admit I laughed a little at the story with your dad, sounds like my inlaws as well. They mean well enough, they just can't help themselves and in the meantime our nerves frazzle away! I hope all goes well this Thanksgiving. Sending positive thoughts your way.

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 Post subject: Re: stranger danger phase
PostPosted: Mon Dec 02, 2013 11:26 am 
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you guys, the long weekend went pretty well!!
much better than i expected!

it's roughly a 5-6 hour drive there and we left Wednesday morning. BabyPunk slept for awhile and then after that i had to sit in the back seat with her and sing Where is Thumbkin overandoverandoverandoverandover again to keep her from crying.
it's strange how much she loves that song but damn it worked.

we got to NY about 4ish i think and only my MIL and my BIL's girlfriend were at the house so we had a slow introduction to massive amounts of people which was good.
BP didnt really want much to do with them and eventually BIL and FIL showed up too and the other baby was finished napping.
Wednesday was rough. BP was obviously teething and cranky and afraid of everyone.
she didnt like the other baby either.
the other baby is about 6 months and doesnt have the stranger danger thing and is also a very spazzy happy flailing around making lots of noise baby. BP is very like mellow and just takes everything in.
we sat them on the floor together and anytime the other baby made any noise BP would cry.
the other baby is developmentally ahead of BP even though she's younger so she was flailing around everywhere and almost crawling
BP was unsure of all thi activity

my in laws wanted to do a Hanukkah dinner but the thing about these people is they are very whimsical and easily distracted and you're lucky if you're eating dinner by 9 pm regardless if you have a baby who wants to go to bed. so finally around maybe 8 or 9 the matzoh ball soup was ready. why we werent eating everything together was beyond me as there was 2 more courses to come but BP was totally done with everyone and only wanted mommy and to scream and claw at my face. i kept bringing her downstairs to calm her down. finally i told my husband i was done. i didnt care about dinner it was like 9 pm and she was exhausted. and my husband who lives in the land of rainbows, unicorns and puppy dogs and always thinks everything is fine was like "shes fine just come back upstairs ill hold her"
i gave him the mega stink eye and marched upstairs, gave him BP who was freaking out even more now because mommy didnt have her and slurped down cold matzoh ball soup that i had left htere after many attempts to eat it and then grabbed her back and said "WERE GOING TO BED" and hurrumphed my way downstairs.

he brought me a plate of latkes which i ate in bed.
so after that things were ok. they had set up a pack n play for us for BP to sleep in but i knew there was almost no chance i would be able to transfer her in there without waking her up so she slept peacefully next to me on the bed. then my husband and my FIL left around 10 pm to go pick my SIL up at an airport about an hour away......in a blizzard.
then all of a sudden BP woke up and started fussing so i picked her up and went to change her diaper. she started freaking out which honestly is pretty normal for her middle of the night diaper change. then i brought her back to bed to nurse and she was having none of it. eventually it progressed so much i got back up and paced the floor with her while she howled and shrieked. totally not typical behavior for her. it went on so long i started to think maybe i had pinched her with the new diaper even though everything was velcro. i decided to check while cursing my husband for not being there even though there really wasnt a better choice for someone to go get my SIL.
as i was checking BP's diaper and outfit making sure i hadnt pinched her i discovered the diaper i had just put on was drenched. so she must have peed directly after i put it on. so i changed that but she was so far gone even a fresh diaper wasnt enough. i spent a good 30 mins pacing back and forth tryign to soothe her wondering if there was something actually wrong with her. finally she passed out but i walked around for another 10 mins afraid to put her down.

the rest of the night was ok. not great but nothing bad. she slept in the bed with us.
in the morning she was a bit better with everyone else but still standoffish. she liked watching my FIL pretend to clean and polish the mixer and do other silly things but she wanted to watch while daddy was holding her not someone else.
my other BIL and his girlfriend showed up plus now my SIL was also there so we had 9 adults and 2 babies.
i went to take a shower and some sort of magic happened while i was gone.
i came downstairs and my BILs girlfriend had BP on her lap and BP was happily sitting with her and watching tv while the girlfriend rubbed her back and cooed at her.
then i was told she had been passed around (successfully!) to my MIL and SIL and had been pretty much fine.

SUCCESS!!!

the rest of the weekend went pretty much like that. she was held by various family members and USUALLY was ok. she took several naps lying on my MIL who was in complete bliss.
she played on the floor with her cousin though sometimes that ended in tears and sometimes it didnt.
if she started to get fussy either me or my husband would take her until she felt better again.
she took crazy long naps from all the activity.

usually around 8-8:30 at night she was done with everyone including my husband and only wanted me but otherwise she was mainly ok.
the only time she got really pissed off at being with others was when we could tell her teeth were really hurting her.

it wasnt a perfeect weekend by any means but i was SO HAPPY with how she did.
it was a really great weekend and i also got a lot of breaks and feel refreshed!

im hoping she will be ok with my parents now too as usually we dont have like a whole day to warm up to them since they live close by we see them for a few hours at a time rather than a few days.

the ride home sucked. it was 7+ hours because of traffic and weather and about 4 hours was me singing where is thumbkin again. im thinking of cutting my thumbs off so i cant sing it anymore.
i tried other songs but she wasnt having it.
i had even remembered a song in French called Alouette and as i was singing it and translating it in my head i realized how forked up it is.
its basically a song about plucking feathers off a lark because it was noisy and pissed you off.
NOT VEGAN!

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Damn dirty vegan hippies and their carob.~~Moon

It's just funny to think that we could go through years of this, become the president of the damn country, and still, we'd be eating pasta with veggies at every. damn. function.~~Joyfulgirl


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 Post subject: Re: stranger danger phase
PostPosted: Mon Dec 02, 2013 2:48 pm 
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I'm glad it went well! We went to the States to visit family when tw was not quite 6 months, and it was definitely an experience.

Next week my MIL and FIL are coming out here for three weeks, staying until New Year's. I am hoping that tiny wu will warm up to them faster this time. My MIL is really super but I know it kills her that we're so far away and all she wants is to SNUGGLE THE BABY! tiny wu is definitely on the shy/private side (although mellow is certainly not in her repertoire) but it would be awesome if they could babysit even just once!


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 Post subject: Re: stranger danger phase
PostPosted: Mon Dec 02, 2013 8:05 pm 
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my MIL is similar. i talked with her before hand and she was very understanding about the stranger danger thing and wanted to do what was best for the baby but you could tell she was like dying to snuggle her. luckily there were 2 babies there.
she couldnt pass one without touching it though. just like a back stroke or a quick kiss.

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Damn dirty vegan hippies and their carob.~~Moon

It's just funny to think that we could go through years of this, become the president of the damn country, and still, we'd be eating pasta with veggies at every. damn. function.~~Joyfulgirl


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 Post subject: Re: stranger danger phase
PostPosted: Mon Dec 02, 2013 8:08 pm 
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Glad it went well!

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