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 Post subject: Rational advice needed...
PostPosted: Mon Dec 06, 2010 9:04 am 
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Well, I told myself no more whining on the new PPK and I am not going to whine, but I would like to seek some rational advice regarding a rather irrational situation. On the old PPK, I posted that I had to end my friendship with one of my best friends due to her making some pretty ridiculous and serious allegations against my son. To give a brief background, she supposedly found both boys taking their clothes off in the bedroom in what she said was perparation for some sort of "sick, sexual experimentation" and tried to blame the entire incident on my son. I never, ever place blame solely on one child in any situation, so I told her that it was ridiculous for her to stand in my house and hysterically blame my son (especially since her child takes his clothes off regularly, everywhere, even at the school that they both attended at the time) for what I am sure was quite an innocent incident. She did this right in front of him and I had to make her leave because she upset both kids so much. Well, she then blew the whole thing out of proportion and the next day, made even more serious allegations that this had been going on for a long time, among other things. It reached a point where I decided to end the friendship because she was getting pretty out of hand with her hysteria about the whole thing. This was six months ago and it was very traumatizing for my son and I. When people ask what happened to end a 25 year+ friendship, I just keep it short and say that it was just too much of a difference of opinions in regards to parenting and leave it at that. Now, mind you she has a lot of time on her hands to obsess about her child and take a small incident and turn it into an epic saga. One of our mutual friends (whom is gay) once told her son that he kisses boys. She turned this into him trying to molest her son. I am just trying to give an example here that would illustrate the blowing out of proportion. This whole thing happened 6 months ago and I thought it was pretty much over. I have recently found out that she has been out pleading her case to everyone, including our mutual friends and telling them all sorts of insanity and again, blowing it out of proportion and blaming my son. It has caused our mutual good friend of over 25+ years and his boyfriend to not talk to me now because supposedly I am the villain who "hurt her so badly with my flagrant disregard for her son's well being". I am pretty blown away that nobody asked my side of the story and that at 38 years old, it seems that no one has advanced past the 5th grade here! I don't talk about the incident because A. It is really not that out of the ordinary for kids to be curious and B. I don't talk about 6 year old kids in a way that could alter the way that others in the community percieve them and C. Not really anyone else's business. There is a lot that I could say about this kid, but I don't. I don't really care that she is out trashing me and saying that I am insane, etc... but I am beyond furious that she would talk about my son this way. We live in a small town and everyone in the kid-set knows each other. This is going to affect the way that people perceive my child before they even get to know him, if it hasn't already! So, I am wondering how to rationally handle the situation. Do nothing and let her spread lies about my child, make a general fact-based statement to our mutual friends in an attempt to set the story straight, continue to keep my head up and let her dig her own grave, or something else? The whole situation is making me sick to my stomach. Sorry for the long-windedness! Thanks in advance for your always helpful insight and advice. Those close to me are also understandably furious and their advice is pretty scathing and unhelpful.

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 Post subject: Re: Rational advice needed...
PostPosted: Mon Dec 06, 2010 9:30 am 
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mel wrote:
a general fact-based statement to our mutual friends in an attempt to set the story straight

followed by
mel wrote:
continue to keep my head up and let her dig her own grave, or something else

sounds reasonable and grown-up to me.

And many hugs for having to go through such rubbish with a so-called friend.

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 Post subject: Re: Rational advice needed...
PostPosted: Mon Dec 06, 2010 10:49 am 
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Thanks for the feedback! It really does help to get advice from those not directly involved. This could easily escalate and that is not what I want for my child. Frankly, I would just like to crawl back in bed and put the covers over my head. I am having a hard time not feeling bitter about taking the high road and having it bite me in the asparagus...

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 Post subject: Re: Rational advice needed...
PostPosted: Mon Dec 06, 2010 11:08 am 
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I am sorry for what you're going through. It really sucks to be at the effect of someone else's crazy, through no fault of your own.

The only thing I think you can do to avoid being dragged into a she-said-she-said (that may only serve to legitimize her crazy) is to take the high road. If people bring it up or are directly affected (like your mutual friend), I would have a calm and frank discussion where you don't make her wrong, but only speak in "I statements" about what happened and how this is affecting you and your child.

Something like this happened to me, and it really shook my ability to trust people, but sadly there are crazy people out there who seem sane, and it doesn't matter how old they are. They got triggered by something and the person who is running them isn't their adult self, but some childish piece of their identity that didn't get what s/he needed.

ET: don't feel bad about venting here. Everyone needs a place to go to feel heard!

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 Post subject: Re: Rational advice needed...
PostPosted: Mon Dec 06, 2010 11:28 am 
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Tofulish wrote:
The only thing I think you can do to avoid being dragged into a she-said-she-said (that may only serve to legitimize her crazy) is to take the high road. If people bring it up or are directly affected (like your mutual friend), I would have a calm and frank discussion where you don't make her wrong, but only speak in "I statements" about what happened and how this is affecting you and your child.

i agree entirely. i think the best thing would be to keep your head up. your post shines with care for, first and foremost, the kids. Anyone who hears what's going on is going to get the main points of the story- a) she's a nutter (and probably everyone in that small town knows it or has been a target themselves at some point), b) kids are kids, they do silly things, didn't you ever compare equipment as a kid? c) you're really committed to being the adult here.

i know when my child was mortified and embarrassed (about something she did on purpose, mind you), i told her that after a few months nobody is going to remember or care. That first month or so will make you nuts, but eventually, the person squawking about your son is going to look like a real wacko to any last remainders who didn't notice how weird she is. Good on you for being the grownup.

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 Post subject: Re: Rational advice needed...
PostPosted: Mon Dec 06, 2010 11:31 am 
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Yeah, as much as this story makes me see red and as frustrated and angry as YOU must be (I'm mad just reading it, and he's not even my kid!), I think everyone's right... gotta take the high road. Big internet hugs.

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 Post subject: Re: Rational advice needed...
PostPosted: Mon Dec 06, 2010 1:59 pm 
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yeah take the high road, hopefully soon people will realize she is in the wrong. if not, they aren't people you want to associate with in the first place. I did that recently with a long time friend and it was sort of a great moment when she was "squawking" and other peoples eyes sorta glazed over and ignored her.


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 Post subject: Re: Rational advice needed...
PostPosted: Mon Dec 06, 2010 9:03 pm 
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agree with tofulish too.

this situation sucks and your friend sounds like a big baby.


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 Post subject: Re: Rational advice needed...
PostPosted: Mon Dec 06, 2010 10:32 pm 
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wow, i don't think i need to add to the advice, because it sounds like you know what do and everyone else has said lots of helpful stuff, but i am so sorry that you have had to deal with this, and i know you can get through it. Feel free to come back and vent/brainstorm/whatever- we will be a safe place. My thoughts are with you and your son. i know he's had alot of crazy this year and it sounds like both of you need some hugs.


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 Post subject: Re: Rational advice needed...
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 9:44 am 
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This lady is awfully quick to assume other people are sexual predators...sounds like she's got issues.


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 Post subject: Re: Rational advice needed...
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 9:50 am 
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Tofulish wrote:
I am sorry for what you're going through. It really sucks to be at the effect of someone else's crazy, through no fault of your own.

The only thing I think you can do to avoid being dragged into a she-said-she-said (that may only serve to legitimize her crazy) is to take the high road. If people bring it up or are directly affected (like your mutual friend), I would have a calm and frank discussion where you don't make her wrong, but only speak in "I statements" about what happened and how this is affecting you and your child.



This is very good advice, "I statements" work miracles.

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 Post subject: Re: Rational advice needed...
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 9:53 am 
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No advice, I'm just really sorry. It sucks so much when you find out your friends (especially best friends) can be terrible people.

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 Post subject: Re: Rational advice needed...
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 1:01 pm 
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Tofulish wrote:
I am sorry for what you're going through. It really sucks to be at the effect of someone else's crazy, through no fault of your own.

The only thing I think you can do to avoid being dragged into a she-said-she-said (that may only serve to legitimize her crazy) is to take the high road. If people bring it up or are directly affected (like your mutual friend), I would have a calm and frank discussion where you don't make her wrong, but only speak in "I statements" about what happened and how this is affecting you and your child.

Something like this happened to me, and it really shook my ability to trust people, but sadly there are crazy people out there who seem sane, and it doesn't matter how old they are. They got triggered by something and the person who is running them isn't their adult self, but some childish piece of their identity that didn't get what s/he needed.

ET: don't feel bad about venting here. Everyone needs a place to go to feel heard!

Tofu- I am seriously sorry if you had to go through anything similar to this because I would not wish it on my worst enemy! I have become reclusive and don't want to let anyone get close to me now because of what happened. Thank you for the support and great advice! I think this is the best course of action. It may be hard to deal with right now, but in the long run, it is better for me to take the high road.

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 Post subject: Re: Rational advice needed...
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 1:09 pm 
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Thank you gals for your always well thought out, sound advice and support! I am going to take the high road on this one and if asked, use "I" statements, as Tofulish suggested. I never thought to do that before. What is happening is that people are taking my silence as an admission of guilt, based on what she is saying. I am not kidding that this feels like a grade school attack in it's cruelty and ridiculousness! I think that my post partem depression is making it all that much harder to deal with, but I will beat this! PPK Playgrounders give the best advice I have ever encountered, hands down! You should start charging for it. I just wish the rest of the world were more like all of you.

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Go gentle unto the night, children. For the flouncin' hat is sure to unflatter even the finest face ~ Pandacookie
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 Post subject: Re: Rational advice needed...
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 1:17 pm 
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mittenmacher wrote:
This lady is awfully quick to assume other people are sexual predators...sounds like she's got issues.

Good point, Mitten! She very much does have issues and I can only assume that they have gotten the best of her, at this point. I pretty much lived with her at her house all the way through high school to help protect her from her sexually abusive brother. He victimized me, as well, so I can only imagine what happened to her when I wasn't there. I have risen above the abuse and moved on, but she seems to still be stuck there. That is why I forgave her so much of her awful behavior. This is different, though. There are children involved here and I had to stand up for my son. I can only hope that in the end, goodness will prevail...

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Go gentle unto the night, children. For the flouncin' hat is sure to unflatter even the finest face ~ Pandacookie
Get with the times, nameless fourth banana ~Tofulish


Last edited by mel on Tue Dec 07, 2010 1:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Rational advice needed...
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 1:25 pm 
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I am sending you a ton of hugs right now.

I can't believe what you have been through for her, and yes, it really sounds like her history is impairing her judgment here. I don't know if your children are in a school-situation where you could confidentially speak to a school counselor as to how to handle this. It sounds like a problem that is bigger than just you and her.

I am not a parent, a therapist or in any way qualified to give advice, but as mittenmacher says, it sounds like she is projecting her own fears on a "safe" person.

Also, it sounds like her child may have some issues as well with acting out. A friend of mine is a family court judge and he told me that one of the first signs of abuse that the system becomes aware of is when children act out inappropriately in a classroom setting often by stripping down, as you describe. I hope her brother is no longer part of her or her son's life.

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 Post subject: Re: Rational advice needed...
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 2:09 pm 
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Tofulish wrote:
I am sending you a ton of hugs right now.

I can't believe what you have been through for her, and yes, it really sounds like her history is impairing her judgment here. I don't know if your children are in a school-situation where you could confidentially speak to a school counselor as to how to handle this. It sounds like a problem that is bigger than just you and her.

I am not a parent, a therapist or in any way qualified to give advice, but as mittenmacher says, it sounds like she is projecting her own fears on a "safe" person.

Also, it sounds like her child may have some issues as well with acting out. A friend of mine is a family court judge and he told me that one of the first signs of abuse that the system becomes aware of is when children act out inappropriately in a classroom setting often by stripping down, as you describe. I hope her brother is no longer part of her or her son's life.

Amazingly, Tofu, he is still very much a part of her and her son's life. You are probably right about the "safe" person theory, which had never occured to me before, either. The stripping down incident happened last year at the school they both attended at the time, but he was always stripping down at our house, as well. We never made a big deal out of it and just figured that he didn't care for clothing. I used to let Gav run naked around our house, but he had stopped doing that by the time he was four. Thankfully, the kids aren't in the same school this year, but that might change if our local proposed Charter School is approved. We both had planned to try to enroll the kids there. Talking to the school counselor is a good idea. I have been avoiding talking to her about anything other than his stress about being in a new school, but maybe I need to touch on his having been traumatized this summer without giving specifics. I don't know. The whole situation looks so much more messed up in writing. I am afraid (even moreso now because of my trust issues stemming from the incident) that they will think I'm crazy, incompetent, etc... Ugh...thanks for the hugs. I could really use them about now.

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 Post subject: Re: Rational advice needed...
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 6:53 pm 
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The plot thickens. I feel bad for everybody in this situation: you, Gavin, and your friend and her son, who are obviously hurting. It sounds like cutting them out of your family's life is the healthiest choice at this point. Good luck and hugs, Mel.


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 Post subject: Re: Rational advice needed...
PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 7:05 pm 
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Kids experiment. All kinds of boys experiment with sexuality and other boys in childhood. It's healthy and normal, some of those kids grown up straight, gay, bi, asexual and everything in between. It's all a natural and healthy part of growing up.

I'm sorry your 'friend' is causing so much trouble. It sounds like a truly awful situation, but it seems like they may not listen to reason so the best course of action maybe to cut them out entirely. I would explain the situation to any concerned friends etc but in general just try and move past it would be the best bet.

:hugs:

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 Post subject: Re: Rational advice needed...
PostPosted: Thu Dec 09, 2010 7:11 pm 
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Thanks BAD! Everyone's support means so much right now. I feel the same way that you do about the whole thing. It is her blowing it out of proportion due to her past abuse and her refusal to let it go that is making things miserable right now. This happened six months ago and she is still ranting and raving on about it!

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