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 Post subject: Re: Ventilation Station 2.0
PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 2:13 pm 
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Nooch of Earl
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bap wrote:
During dinner with my SIL and her family, their recently (about 6 months ago) adopted 2 year old son was crying a little and my SIL said "**** ruins everything. He seriously ruins everything we try to do." In front of everyone, including their 3 year old (biological) daughter. I can't even. It broke my heart.




Eh, I have this thought on a semi-regular basis. Particularly when I'm just trying to get V out of the house for something *for her*, but she's kicking and screaming and won't cooperate. Then it's like, do I strongarm her into clothes/shoes/the carseat and force her to go to the $20 baby class, or do I give up and stay home and then have her destructive and bored? Most days there's at least one point where I wistfully think of how much more pleasant my days were pre-baby.


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 Post subject: Re: Ventilation Station 2.0
PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 2:17 pm 
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Semen Strong
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Isn't there a difference between thinking something and saying it though? We had acquaintances who would always talk about how klutzy their 6 year old was, and you could actually see that she became more clumsy over time. We mentioned it to the parents and they thanked us for pointing it out, which was great.

I don't know for certain what difference it makes to a 2 year old, but it would probably affect the way that the 2 year old is treated by the people around.

Just my 2 cents.

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 Post subject: Re: Ventilation Station 2.0
PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 2:44 pm 
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Nooch of Earl
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That's a good point. I don't know at what age kids start understanding that kind of stuff better, but I don't think we're there yet. I'll admit that sometimes I get really frustrated and will ask (out loud) why she has to make everything so much more difficult when I'm trying to do something nice for her. And then I usually take a step back, apologize to her, and try to be calmer. But it's really hard for me to maintain a level of enthusiasm 24/7 when as an introvert I really just often want more time to myself.

Between her and the cat and lots of husband's work stuff lately I feel like I spend my days being grabbed by need after need after need.


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 Post subject: Re: Ventilation Station 2.0
PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 2:49 pm 
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Semen Strong
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In Happiest Toddler, they talk about how its really impactful when toddlers hear others talk about them (so the author recommends talking about your kid to praise them etc). I think there is a difference between saying something in frustration to a child, and talking about them to others.

You have so much on your plate, I get how frustrated you must feel. Oy!

And re the poop, I am an expert in cleaning up poop, thanks to my dog. I am not putting anyone at risk, but I appreciate everyone's feedback!

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 Post subject: Re: Ventilation Station 2.0
PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 3:02 pm 
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Nooch of Earl
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I have cleaned, out of the carpet today (well, minus the steam cleaning run I really want to do and have to wait for the perfect combo of toddler wakefulness and cooperation):

- cat diarrhea
- cat vomit
- baby pee
- soy milk

Could the small household creatures just PLEASE STOP? *sigh* I mean, it's not the cat's fault, I switched his food and it didn't work for us, but i'm pretty sure the shitting on the carpet is just to make a point. And the baby was peeing in her potty, got up midway, and went to go pee on the other side of the room. Just...ARGH. I'm putting both of you in space suits.


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 Post subject: Re: Ventilation Station 2.0
PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 3:15 pm 
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Semen Strong
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I feel that way about the dog. Seriously, we walk you for an hour, you get let out every 2 hours, You get fed premium GF vegan dog food (2 30lb bags are over $100), you go to the vet regularly, my husband wakes up to put you out in the middle of the night when you want to pee (which of course wakes everyone up), could you please stop pissing and pooping all over the dining room? The days that he just sprays down the kitchen and living room and I have to wait until L is in bed to go sniff all our walls and spray them down with cleaner and scrub them until it stops stinking of urine are the days when his cuteness wears a bit thin. Apparently he is totally healthy, but has a touch of spring fever and wants the world to know our casa is his casa.

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 Post subject: Re: Ventilation Station 2.0
PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 3:24 pm 
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At least he mostly keeps it in the dining room right?

Did Cuddles always do his pee and poop in the house like this or did it start after L was born? Could it be a jealously thing? oh..or! Is he marking the house to compete with L marking up the house? :)

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 Post subject: Re: Ventilation Station 2.0
PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 3:35 pm 
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annak wrote:
I'll admit that sometimes I get really frustrated and will ask (out loud) why she has to make everything so much more difficult when I'm trying to do something nice for her. And then I usually take a step back, apologize to her, and try to be calmer. But it's really hard for me to maintain a level of enthusiasm 24/7 when as an introvert I really just often want more time to myself.

Between her and the cat and lots of husband's work stuff lately I feel like I spend my days being grabbed by need after need after need.


I'll admit to doing it also. Everyone has their limits and sometimes you just crack. You can't always help it. I'm thankful that most of the time when I want to say something like baps family did that I catch myself and will lock myself in the bathroom for a minute to cool down. The few times I do say those things to them my heart does break and I cuddle my kids and we have a talk about what happened. You can't be a perfect parent all the time. Its hard raising kids.

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 Post subject: Re: Ventilation Station 2.0
PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 4:13 pm 
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I completely agree that it is totally okay and valid to think these things and to be frustrated, I work in a classroom of 16 2-3 year olds and then go home to a 13 month old, so I get it. I was just frustrated seeing the inequity in treatment between their two kids, and the unapologetic way in which an upset two year was accused of "ruining everything". Also, I had just been to a workshop regarding children's emotional health, so I was a bit more sensitive to it.


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 Post subject: Re: Ventilation Station 2.0
PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 8:23 pm 
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i may not know all things, but for the love of god i know scientific notation. now stop your #&%(* bisqueing and let me teach you how to do it right before my head explodes!

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 Post subject: Re: Ventilation Station 2.0
PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 8:55 pm 
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bap wrote:
I completely agree that it is totally okay and valid to think these things and to be frustrated, I work in a classroom of 16 2-3 year olds and then go home to a 13 month old, so I get it. I was just frustrated seeing the inequity in treatment between their two kids, and the unapologetic way in which an upset two year was accused of "ruining everything". Also, I had just been to a workshop regarding children's emotional health, so I was a bit more sensitive to it.


Saying that shiitake in front of others and your kids at a family get together makes it seem like the SIL doesn't see that there is anything wrong with her behavior. She must think its okay to say those things. That would make me worry that she is creating a negative role for the child to fulfill. I see this alot with parents that I work with. For example I had this one family who (mom and dad) kept telling me that their son couldn't make friends. They would say that right in front of him. His brother can make friends, but he can't. Well, I don't think it's helping him make friends if you are telling him he can't!

I guess it's a little bit which came first, the chicken or the egg, but I am trying not to tell my kid who and what she is, which is difficult. And yes. Like annak, I get really frustrated and annoyed with babynut sometimes. I think that is normal and is something different than labeling your child as difficult at a family dinner.


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 Post subject: Re: Ventilation Station 2.0
PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 9:04 pm 
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Tofulish wrote:
I feel that way about the dog. Seriously, we walk you for an hour, you get let out every 2 hours, You get fed premium GF vegan dog food (2 30lb bags are over $100), you go to the vet regularly, my husband wakes up to put you out in the middle of the night when you want to pee (which of course wakes everyone up), could you please stop pissing and pooping all over the dining room? The days that he just sprays down the kitchen and living room and I have to wait until L is in bed to go sniff all our walls and spray them down with cleaner and scrub them until it stops stinking of urine are the days when his cuteness wears a bit thin. Apparently he is totally healthy, but has a touch of spring fever and wants the world to know our casa is his casa.


I have to ask - is there no way to block off the dining room? I've seen you mention this before. Some dogs need to be housebroken room by room, and you might need to step back and treat him as a dog that can't be trusted when eyes are not on him.

But this is the playground and not the yard so I'll stop talking dogs!

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 Post subject: Re: Ventilation Station 2.0
PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 9:12 pm 
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Thanks! What does housebreak room by room mean? I can block off the dining room.

I appreciate the feedback!

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 Post subject: Re: Ventilation Station 2.0
PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 8:35 am 
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so, L has decided to nap from 8:30 am until about 10 am. that's awesome and all, but i am trying to get T to daycare in that time frame. i was wondering why L was so cranky and making the whole getting ready process so difficult, and it wasn't until i didn't try to leave the house in the morning for a couple days that i figured it out. she wants to sleep! and she wants it to be quiet!

so yeah, either we don't leave for daycare until after 10, or T's dad takes her every morning. leaving after 10 isn't really a great option, because T gets comfy at home and resists going, and daycare is already well into their morning routine and having a kid come in that late isn't great for them either. Having her dad take her is better, but of course, L also wants to nap right at pick up time too (3-4:30pm).

argh. naps.


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 Post subject: Re: Ventilation Station 2.0
PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 7:14 pm 
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The Magician has been refusing his bottles at school the past couple of days that he's gone. Conversely, all he's wanted to do on the days that he's home is nurse nurse nurse. He's refusing solids even more than usual at home, AND refusing to take a bottle from me, AND frantically clawing at my shirt every five minutes like he's going to starve. What the hell, kid. This is not cool.

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 Post subject: Re: Ventilation Station 2.0
PostPosted: Thu Mar 28, 2013 5:25 am 
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bap wrote:
I completely agree that it is totally okay and valid to think these things and to be frustrated, I work in a classroom of 16 2-3 year olds and then go home to a 13 month old, so I get it. I was just frustrated seeing the inequity in treatment between their two kids, and the unapologetic way in which an upset two year was accused of "ruining everything". Also, I had just been to a workshop regarding children's emotional health, so I was a bit more sensitive to it.


Also, they just adopted the kid! This is a totally traumatic time for the child, *of course* it is going to be difficult for the child to trust them and adapt, so s/he will act out. I'm being sensitive because I'm adopted too, but that really scares me for how the child will be treated for the rest of their lives, like the unwanted mustard. :.( Hopefully your SIL just was thinking the child couldn't understand that kind of talk yet and she won't continue it forever. Maybe you could have a talk with her or point her in the direction of some resources regarding adopted children and their emotional health?

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 Post subject: Re: Ventilation Station 2.0
PostPosted: Thu Mar 28, 2013 6:39 am 
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No, kid, it's not a great idea to be awake 3 am - 6.30 am even if you do have a fever. Or, especially not when you have a fever, because that means you need to be petted every five minutes when you finally sleep.

I'm so tired I just hope I don't accidentally kill a patient today...

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 Post subject: Re: Ventilation Station 2.0
PostPosted: Thu Mar 28, 2013 7:50 am 
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Aubade wrote:
Also, they just adopted the kid! This is a totally traumatic time for the child, *of course* it is going to be difficult for the child to trust them and adapt, so s/he will act out. I'm being sensitive because I'm adopted too, but that really scares me for how the child will be treated for the rest of their lives, like the unwanted mustard. :.( Hopefully your SIL just was thinking the child couldn't understand that kind of talk yet and she won't continue it forever. Maybe you could have a talk with her or point her in the direction of some resources regarding adopted children and their emotional health?

It is so hard and expensive to adopt these days (I'm priced out and since I'm fertile and white, I can't adopt from within the UK, either), I would have thought someone who went through all the trouble of adopting would be too busy loving their new child than to complain!

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 Post subject: Re: Ventilation Station 2.0
PostPosted: Thu Mar 28, 2013 11:35 am 
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TheCrabbyCrafter wrote:
Aubade wrote:
Also, they just adopted the kid! This is a totally traumatic time for the child, *of course* it is going to be difficult for the child to trust them and adapt, so s/he will act out. I'm being sensitive because I'm adopted too, but that really scares me for how the child will be treated for the rest of their lives, like the unwanted mustard. :.( Hopefully your SIL just was thinking the child couldn't understand that kind of talk yet and she won't continue it forever. Maybe you could have a talk with her or point her in the direction of some resources regarding adopted children and their emotional health?

It is so hard and expensive to adopt these days (I'm priced out and since I'm fertile and white, I can't adopt from within the UK, either), I would have thought someone who went through all the trouble of adopting would be too busy loving their new child than to complain!


Well, I can definitely sympathize with them feeling frustrated, and feeling frustrated and loving the child aren't mutually exclusive. Saying it in front of the child and the sibling, though, is another story.

Also, you can't adopt from the UK because you're white?


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 Post subject: Re: Ventilation Station 2.0
PostPosted: Thu Mar 28, 2013 12:39 pm 
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Larisa wrote:
Also, you can't adopt from the UK because you're white?

I think it's mostly up to the local councils, but pretty much they try to place kids in homes as alike as their birth parents in race (and also religion, I think) -- they get kind of crazy, if the kid is half-Irish and half-Indian, they will try to get parents that match. It wasn't always like that, but I guess they've been getting stricter and stricter since the 80s. Anyway, there are a ton of minority kids who need homes, but if you are white, you have to go on a waiting list and if you don't have fertility issues, you're pretty much screwed (I guess most of the time they won't even approve your adoption application -- there was a big news article about this a few years ago), unless you want to adopt from abroad (too pricey for us!).
The government is allegedly trying to change this and trying to make it easier for white people to adopt non-white kids, but I'm not holding my breath. Tell you what, though if it ever becomes easy, I'll do it.

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 Post subject: Re: Ventilation Station 2.0
PostPosted: Tue Apr 02, 2013 3:47 pm 
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So, Silas has just reached a stage where he tries to hit or stomp when he doesn't get his way. Not hitting people (well, twice, but talking helped that I think), but hitting furniture or his own leg or kicking a toy or something. This is different than the random toddler tantrums, it's very thought out. You can tell he purposefully does it to express his frustration and get what he wants (not gonna work, my friend). It's really annoying.

We've been sitting him in time out for it. Time out for us is just a quiet place to take deep breaths and cool down until he can talk about it calmly. It's taking a lot longer to change this behavior than I'd like so I need a new method. I'm kind of tired of thinking up new plans at this point.

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 Post subject: Re: Ventilation Station 2.0
PostPosted: Tue Apr 02, 2013 3:48 pm 
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Also, I stickied this thread because I can't believe we went long enough without venting that it left the front page of the playground.

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 Post subject: Re: Ventilation Station 2.0
PostPosted: Tue Apr 02, 2013 4:34 pm 
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we've done a lot of "shaking it out" or punching pillows or having the mini trampoline. acknowledging that stamping and slamming and making lots of noise is useful and good for letting out stress, here's a convenient way to do it that won't get you in trouble, or hurt yourself.
of course, you know he's doing it to get his way. if you tell him it's acceptable and good, he probably won't be too interested in it anymore ;-)

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 Post subject: Re: Ventilation Station 2.0
PostPosted: Tue Apr 02, 2013 4:50 pm 
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Leela is a lot lighterskinned than I am, so I am so freaked out by her bruises, because I never had any. She just smacked into a drawer, so her eye is a mass of purple bruise. I put arnica on it, but I feel terrible.

Sorry about Silas's stomping stage, Kelly. I hope it passes soon.

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 Post subject: Re: Ventilation Station 2.0
PostPosted: Tue Apr 02, 2013 6:20 pm 
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Nooch of Earl
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I don't have anything helpful to offer you, but good luck, Kelly.

Sorry to hear that Leela got hurt!! V ran full speed into her changing table a couple months ago and while I'm used to my own bruises, it was heart wrenching to see her with a blue cheek and I was so worried I was going to end up questioned by DCF.


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