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 Post subject: Re: Motherly Loneliness
PostPosted: Mon Jan 24, 2011 10:21 am 
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So Totally Yiffy
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I found having a baby to be very isolating as well. We moved to a different state, so I didn't know anyone or where to go to meet people. I joined a meetup group, but I never connected with any of the moms. We went to the library story hour, to the playground, to the cafe etc. but still never met anyone. Finally we just played outside in our front yard and waved to everyone we saw with kids, and eventually we met a neighbor with kids around our kids ages. I understand now what my women's studies classes were on about.


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 Post subject: Re: Motherly Loneliness
PostPosted: Wed Jan 26, 2011 2:21 pm 
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Hoards Peppermint Jo-Jos
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Location: between a rock and a hard place
I'm in my early 30s, my kids are 5 and 7, and I STILL have a hard time meeting people or relating to any of the other moms around here. I'm neither a stay-at-home mom nor conservative nor religious nor part of a military family nor at least upper-middle class, so it's tough around here (especially because of the not-religious part). I'm not always the most sociable person on the planet either, so I'd probably still have a hard time just meeting people under more ideal circumstances, so take this for what it's worth.


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 Post subject: Re: Motherly Loneliness
PostPosted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 11:26 am 
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Thinks Plants Have Feelings
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Kelly wrote:
...Silas was the only kid who wanted to run and play instead of sit while their moms talked, so I ran around with him the entire time. It was really awkward...


This is exactly my experience every time. When I used to go to Mother Goose, all the mom's would sit in a circle and do teacher led activities with their babies/toddlers. Only Dante would never stay with me. He would go in the middle of the circle and just do his own thing. Loudly. Or orbit the circle and shriek. I just felt like I was on display as a "bad mom" that can't "control her child". But at the same time what is the point of going to an activity for him and then forcing him to play a game he doesn't want to do?

There is a mommy lunch in 40 minutes that I have been trying to talk myself into going to, but so far it's not working. There is this hope that I will click with somebody, but mostly it will just be me trying to stop Dante from stealing other kids toys and vice versa, as well as trying to stop Leon from choking to death on all the stuff that really shouldn't be there. Like paper table cloths that hang to the ground.


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 Post subject: Re: Motherly Loneliness
PostPosted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 11:38 am 
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Invented Vegan Meringue
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peasandrice wrote:
Kelly wrote:
...Silas was the only kid who wanted to run and play instead of sit while their moms talked, so I ran around with him the entire time. It was really awkward...


This is exactly my experience every time. When I used to go to Mother Goose, all the mom's would sit in a circle and do teacher led activities with their babies/toddlers. Only Dante would never stay with me. He would go in the middle of the circle and just do his own thing. Loudly. Or orbit the circle and shriek. I just felt like I was on display as a "bad mom" that can't "control her child". But at the same time what is the point of going to an activity for him and then forcing him to play a game he doesn't want to do?



How old is Dante? I keep holding out hope that Silas will eventually be into storytime and playgroups, but so far he'd much rather check out the posters on the walls or climb into & out of every single chair in the room, etc.

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 Post subject: Re: Motherly Loneliness
PostPosted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 11:55 am 
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Thinks Plants Have Feelings
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He's a little over 2.5 yrs. He'll be 3 in May. His younger brother (11 months) loves to sit and do group activities, sit and listen to story tellers, etc. I'm starting to think it's all temperament. At least I hope so and not that I did something wrong. I do have boundaries and stuff set up, he just has a lot of energy. He also likes to do everything his way. It seems like this could be really good as an adult though, lot's of energy, creativity, free thinker... It just makes mommy groups awful now. I worry about school.

How old is Silas? Do you have an older child as well? I apologize if I'm remembering wrong, but if you do, were they very different?


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 Post subject: Re: Motherly Loneliness
PostPosted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 12:52 pm 
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peasandrice wrote:
He's a little over 2.5 yrs. He'll be 3 in May. His younger brother (11 months) loves to sit and do group activities, sit and listen to story tellers, etc. I'm starting to think it's all temperament. At least I hope so and not that I did something wrong. I do have boundaries and stuff set up, he just has a lot of energy. He also likes to do everything his way. It seems like this could be really good as an adult though, lot's of energy, creativity, free thinker... It just makes mommy groups awful now. I worry about school.

How old is Silas? Do you have an older child as well? I apologize if I'm remembering wrong, but if you do, were they very different?


Silas is just over 2. Yours sounds so much like Silas! All that energy! It's adorable until stuff like playgroups and drs office.

I have a nearly 12 year old as well. He was really active too, but also enjoyed groups. He's just always been very cooperative and easy to manage. Silas, however, has inherited my stubborness I believe. It's really interesting to see him be so much like his older brother, but so very different as well.

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 Post subject: Re: Motherly Loneliness
PostPosted: Tue Mar 15, 2011 7:53 pm 
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I am feeling lonely and sad. For the past few weeks I have been taking Walter to story time at the library and music at a local baby boutique, but the moms are very cliquey. They all know each other and I feel unwelcome. If I ask them a direct question, like, "How old is your son?" they answer, but then turn around and go right back to talking to each other. I am not good at meeting people and I feel like now that I am not working I will never have any adult friends. We'll keep going because Walter loves it, but I feel like giving up trying to talk to the adults.


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 Post subject: Re: Motherly Loneliness
PostPosted: Tue Mar 15, 2011 8:00 pm 
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peasandrice wrote:
[But at the same time what is the point of going to an activity for him and then forcing him to play a game he doesn't want to do?


I wish every mommy realized this.

mitten - I'm so sorry :( I've been there - heck, I AM there. hang in there! more stuff to do in the spring and you'll find someone! or you could move to near portsmouth, and all my friends can be yours :) they're quite fab.

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 Post subject: Re: Motherly Loneliness
PostPosted: Tue Mar 15, 2011 9:55 pm 
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Making Threats to Punks Again
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mitten, i understand! my son is the great socialite, and i... i'm not. and i moved a year ago to a town with 1308 residents in the 'greater rural area', so i don't have lots of options, i am getting ready to spend lots of awkward time at the pool this summer.


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 Post subject: Re: Motherly Loneliness
PostPosted: Wed Mar 16, 2011 7:36 am 
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Awww, this thread is sad. I only have a handful of friends, but it isn't so bad since work keeps me busy. It only sucks when I try to have a party and there is hardly anyone to invite.

Mitten and Jildez, you seem like such cool people! Those cliquey women don't know what they're missing. I wish we lived near each other to meet!

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 Post subject: Re: Motherly Loneliness
PostPosted: Wed Mar 16, 2011 8:15 am 
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I go through the same stuff here too with the cliquey groups of moms who're at the library (the ones who wear a full face of make up, designer clothes, sip their lattes, and talk about buying expensive stuff), and since I'm the type of person who couldn't care less what I'm wearing to the library (my daily attire is usually hoodies and jeans), I don't get included in conversations.
The moms I get along with either live far away (my cousin, 40 minute drive to her place), or their kids are way older than my son.

Mitten- If the CAT ferry was still running, Malcolm and I would totally have an adventure trip to Maine to hang out with you guys.


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 Post subject: Re: Motherly Loneliness
PostPosted: Wed Mar 16, 2011 2:06 pm 
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Not NOT A Furry
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I'm on my 3rd baby and I still have it. I felt lonely and isolated with my first because I was an 18 year old single Mom and a lot of the other mothers were judging and cruel. With my second, I found that I had little patience for overzealous and overreactive first time parents. My former best friend was one of these and it ended a 25 year friendship for good. Now with my third, I am just plain afraid to be hurt again, so I avoid other parents. The other day, I met a very excited to meet another Vegan guy (who was also soon to be a father) in the organics aisle of my market and I ran from him! ::insert head palm here:: He checked out my cart and blurted out "So you're a Vegan too!" all excitedly. I stopped and exchanged pleasantries with him about his forthcoming baby and gave him some info about my Ergo carrier and where to find cheaper Vegan products in the area, etc... but when he said that we should have a potluck or get together sometime, I was filled with dread. So I said I had to find my husband and ran away. I am embarassed of myself and I feel awful for him. I could have made friends with another Vegan couple who were going to have a baby in a few days and instead I fled the scene. I need to work on that...
In the meantime, keep your head up you lovely mamas! It is not you! People act the way that these cliquey mothers act completely out of insecurity. Put on that smile and go on about your business! PPK is always here and eventually and hopefully for all of us, we will meet some self-assured, non-toxic other parents to hang with.

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 Post subject: Re: Motherly Loneliness
PostPosted: Wed Mar 16, 2011 5:31 pm 
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Bathes in Braggs
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Being a mother is hard enough, it would be nice if making friends was easier. I'm horribly antisocial, added with a stint of PPD, made for it very difficult for me to get out there and find parents to hang out with. And unfortunately a lot of those moms don't make it easy for you. I'm dealing with a ton of facebook drama right now from three past friends in high school. They've all recently had their first children and are thrilled to pass on their infinite wisdom. They have decided to gang up on me and tell me that I'm crazy for wanting a HBAC. I've been told that I'm going to wind up with a dead baby, or with kids who don't have a mom. I've also been told that I should just sign up for surgery, because my body was not made to birth a child. We need to stick together as mothers, not push each other down!

Anyway, the best thing that happened for me in the mom friends area was that our midwives introduced us to two other couples. They were our ages having their first children and due around the same time as us. We hit it off great! We all come from very different backgrounds, but the fact that we all came to this one midwifery practice was enough to get the friendship going. We really watch out for each other, and it's been a lifesaver.

It's so hard though - you already feel so isolated with a child, it's horrible when cliquey people can make it even worse. Stay strong mamas, you can always come here!


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 Post subject: Re: Motherly Loneliness
PostPosted: Thu Mar 17, 2011 6:44 am 
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oh flava, i'm so sorry you've got people knocking HBAC. my VBAC went so smoothly i'm confident that even though it happened at a hospital it would have been just as safe and successful at home.

i'm sad so many moms are having problems making friends, but i'm glad to read about people sharing my problems. i'm pretty antisocial to begin with, but this town is mostly older, wealthy moms and young military moms. we're military, but would you believe it's hard meeting like minded military folk?! i joined a local mom group for a while that was mostly navy wives, and it was the craziest, drama filled lot i've witnessed since high school. the mom leading the group was terrifying, and i had to block her on fb. i've met some older moms, but mostly they treat me like a little kid (no, i'm not their nanny, and it's not ridiculous to have two children by age 27). i've got one close mom friend out here, and other than that i've mostly found support from this forum and, somewhat surprisingly, by reconnecting with ladies from high school who've also recently become moms.

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 Post subject: Re: Motherly Loneliness
PostPosted: Thu Mar 17, 2011 1:58 pm 
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Making Threats to Punks Again
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Ugh. Don't get me started. I have some social anxiety anyway, so making friends is hard for me in the first place. I went to a new mothers' group for the first time yesterday, and I totally felt that cliqueyness. So many moms already knew each other and weren't very open to chatting with me. Plus, I found it really frustrating that the other moms weren't interacting with their babies very much. I do think it's easier for antisocial me to smile and make faces at the other babies than make small talk with the other moms though, so maybe I'm just making excuses for not putting myself out there and talking to the other moms. Bah. Age is an issue for me too, even though I'm not that young (30), but I feel SO young when I'm with other moms. Or maybe it's just socio-economics. I don't fit in with the wealthy (generally older) moms that I keep finding.


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 Post subject: Re: Motherly Loneliness
PostPosted: Thu Mar 17, 2011 3:11 pm 
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Hoards Peppermint Jo-Jos
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At least some of y'all are getting out there going to groups. I would be afraid to go even if they did happen at times when non-stay at home moms could actually attend. Bottom line, anyone who goes to something like that IS putting themselves out there, regardless of the result...and I commend all of you for trying, even if the other moms aren't interested in meeting new people.

When I've run into parents of my kids' friends from school/daycare at the store, the conversation nearly always turns to inviting me to their church or similar. I am not religious at all, but I've had fleeting thoughts of completely ignoring my own beliefs (or lack thereof, if you prefer) and attending one of the less objectionable churches in my area (which is not saying much) just so I can actually be part of a parent clique rather than on the outside looking in all the time.


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 Post subject: Re: Motherly Loneliness
PostPosted: Wed Apr 27, 2011 2:20 am 
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I do not know if this can belong in here, it might be a stretch, but being pregnant is lonely. I have no other friends who have been or are pregnant near me (email is ok but not the same) and my husband doesn't read or know about pregnancy, babies, baby stuff, and though he has been to the Dr with me, I doubt if I asked him where it was he would know. I cannot find any baby groups near me. Any suggestions or has anyone else been in this position?


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 Post subject: Re: Motherly Loneliness
PostPosted: Wed Apr 27, 2011 6:02 am 
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itsboiling, i was terribly depressed during my pregnancy. we had just moved, i didn't know anyone, and my priorities were suddenly quite a bit different. not to mention the general amount of pregnancy tiredness and such made me not want to do anything. i spent a lot of time at home alone on the internet. it was really not that enjoyable.


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 Post subject: Re: Motherly Loneliness
PostPosted: Wed Apr 27, 2011 7:14 am 
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I have some friends here I just feel so alone being pregnant even with my husband around. I do not feel like he is participating in this life change, which I know is hard for him to do being that he is not the one who is pregnant. I talk about it, he says nothing. I too spend a lot of time on the internet. I suppose this (you all) are my support system. Thank you for helping me to see that although I feel alone, I am not alone with these feelings. I really needed that today.


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 Post subject: Re: Motherly Loneliness
PostPosted: Wed Apr 27, 2011 7:21 am 
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((((Hugs)))) ItsBoiling. That must be really hard.

Are there any pre-natal classes that you could go to together? A friend of mine did the Bradley method with her partner and said that it brought them really close together, because it trains your husband to be your birth coach and can really make it real for him. http://www.bradleybirth.com/

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 Post subject: Re: Motherly Loneliness
PostPosted: Wed Apr 27, 2011 10:52 am 
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Banned from Vegan Freaks.
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Thanks :) We have classes at the birth center at the end of May, but maybe something before then would help. I will look into it, thank you for the suggestion.


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