| Register  | FAQ  | Search | Login 
It is currently Thu Apr 24, 2014 9:59 am

All times are UTC - 6 hours [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 44 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next
Author Message
 Post subject: post-baby visitation and sanity: incompatible?
PostPosted: Fri Apr 08, 2011 12:38 pm 
Nooch of Earl
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Sun Dec 12, 2010 2:18 pm
Posts: 3407
Location: Bella Napoli
So we're having what will be the first grandkid on either side of our families. We also live a long day's drive away from our immediate families (with some aunts, uncles, and cousins scattered a few hours or more away). So people have started to make noises about visiting to see the baby after it's born, and I'm terrified of this. We host a lot of houseguests now and we're happy to do it, but it's a lot of work. I don't think most people REALIZE how much work, and they tend to always consider themselves more helpful than they actually are.

I mean, people say they will help but here is the rub:
- the veganism thing makes it basically impossible for anyone to cook for us. Our families Can. Not. Cook. Vegan, period. which means that really having anyone over will cut into the supply of food *i'm* planning on freezing for my husband and me. Also, it means stressing over that since in addition to not being veg, our families have various picky eating/dietary issues that make feeding them even more difficult.
- We're pretty picky about how our dishwasher is loaded, and the last time relatives "helpfully" loaded it we ended up with a (minor) chip on one of our plates. We also rinse and wipe things down before putting them in, because otherwise the dishes come out dirty. We'd prefer people just not help with this, because they won't do it up to our standards. That's fine, and arguably exhaustion may make our standards slip, but having extra people around will also result in a lot of extra dishes.
- We also have a pretty set laundry routine that other people find very challenging. We hang most of our clothes up, otherwise they shrink unacceptably, and the baby stuff all needs to be washed in unscented detergent, no softener, or it risks voiding the warranty. There are things that we absolutely do want with softener and things we absolutely don't want washed with it. Some things do get dried, others don't. We get this routine and it works for us, but it would take longer to explain to someone else than to just do it ourselves. Plus, guests means lots of laundry - sheets, towels, and people often expect to be able to launder their dirty clothes at our house. We'll be trying to cloth diaper and so we'll have a drastic increase in our laundry as is.
- The grosser cleaning tasks like cleaning bathrooms or the kitchen I can't imagine anyone cheerfully helping with, especially since portions of the family hire people to do this in their OWN houses.

So really, if people stay with us it's going to be a massive inconvenience. If they come in from out of town and don't stay with us, it's still probably going to be very time consuming and draining, and makes it less reasonable to ask people to limit their visits (to under an hour, or whatever). Given the potential awkwardness of learning to nurse and take care of a baby, having to keep the house guest-ready and reasonably clean.. the whole idea of having people come visit at all is very very daunting. Telling people they can't stay with us probably won't go over great either ("but we want to help you!!"), but I just can't imagine having time to host guests.

Has anyone else negotiated this with out of town relatives? I imagine the veganism thing is particularly an issue for most of you as well. I don't mind dairy in my kitchen (as long as it's used with things that can be put in the dishwasher) but I *do* mind meat and to be honest in the past our families have been bad at reading labels and have attempted to cook things they thought were vegan but weren't even vegetarian in our kitchen. I was able to intercept that then, but I'll be too busy with a newborn. Help? Husband is convinced we Just Can't ask anybody to put off visiting more than, say, 3 days postpartum.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: post-baby visitation and sanity: incompatible?
PostPosted: Fri Apr 08, 2011 12:53 pm 
Drinks Wild Tofurkey
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 11:51 am
Posts: 2770
I haven't had to deal with this yet, and luckily besides my Mom everyone is staying far away after the baby is born. I think that number one you and your husband need to get on the same page and agree about who can come, when they can come (3 days post partum is really soon after giving birth), where they will stay and what sorts of things they will help out with. I would make a very specific list of how you and your husband like things done and tell anyone that if they are staying with you they will be required to help and they have to do things the way you want them done, period. Make a list of chores that each person is responsible for and email it to them before they come, if they don't want to clean the toilet then they can't stay with you. Absolutely no non-vegan food in the house - you will not have time to monitor them and you don't need the headache of trying to intercept non-vegan food while you are trying to be a new mom. If they want something non-vegan they can go out and get it and eat it away from your home. Honestly, I would probably tell people that you will need a minimum of a week before they can visit and possibly longer and don't let anyone over stay their welcome. I know this sounds crazy harsh, but you are going to have so much on your plate that you cannot be expected to deal with all this on top of everything else. A friend was telling me about having a doula who helps out after you give birth by cleaning and stuff like that, to me that even seems more than I could handle because I always feel like I have to entertain whoever is here unless it is my parents or very close friends. Remember, this time is about you, your partner and your baby - you should be excited about it and not have additional stress.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: post-baby visitation and sanity: incompatible?
PostPosted: Fri Apr 08, 2011 1:17 pm 
Has it on Blue Vinyl
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Sat Oct 23, 2010 8:04 am
Posts: 2092
Location: nj
One thing I didn't realize about having a baby was how serious the recovery really is. Like, hopefully this doesn't happen to you, but I had an episiotomy so it was a full week before I could really even sit without discomfort, nevermind walk much more than gimpily back and forth to the bathroom. Luckily, I had cleaned my house beforehand in prep for visitors, and set up an air mattress downstairs. It turned out to be important for an entirely different reason - because I was told not to walk up and down stairs for at least a week or it could hurt the stiches! So I ended up sleeping on the air mattress I had set up for my mom, rather than my bedroom upstairs.

I was also super duper tired from the long labor (I didn't sleep for over 24 hours). Add to that the fact that Kai was pretty much glued to my boob 24-7, so the last thing I needed at that point was a bunch of visitors.

I don't mean to scare you, but I think maybe your husband needs to understand 3 days postpartum the main thing he should be worried about is helping you and not catering to a bunch of out of town guests. I also think if there is ever a time when it would be fair to ask them to stay at a hotel and limit their visits to shorter times, this would be it. My family all live within an hour, and even still they limited their visits to short periods without me even asking. So although your family seems to want to help, I think you just might have to let them know that the best way to help you would be to give you space to recover and limit their visits to a few hours!

_________________
I'm not asking for utopian dreams...just a little peace in this world. That's a logical thing. - Deee-Lite


Top
 Profile WWW  
 
 Post subject: Re: post-baby visitation and sanity: incompatible?
PostPosted: Fri Apr 08, 2011 1:43 pm 
Addicted to B12 Enemas
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Fri Dec 10, 2010 7:38 pm
Posts: 233
Location: Land of Lincoln
I agree with littlebear and Aubade. Keep in mind that I've yet to go through this myself, but I think that if there's ever a time for you put your needs (and the baby's, of course) above those of others, this is it. If it's going to be more stressful to have people there, tell them so. I wouldn't say, "You crassholes are going to fork up my laundry and break my dishes," but I think it's perfectly acceptable for you to say, "We want to spend some time just the three of us, getting used to being our own little family unit and settling into some kind of routine."

Also, I would imagine that post-baby visitors would be much more conscientious than regular house guests. I mean, these aren't people coming to play cards and throw back some brews. These are people coming specifically to make things easier on you. littlebear is right that you should be very specific and upfront about what you do and do not need. And Aubade is right that 3 days really isn't very much time at all. The only person I might want there during the first week, if not longer, would be my mom, and that would be only after my husband and I agreed on a code word that would be his cue to get her the hell away from me.

_________________
Never wear your good pants when you go to fight for freedom.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: post-baby visitation and sanity: incompatible?
PostPosted: Fri Apr 08, 2011 1:49 pm 
Drunk Dialed Ian MacKaye
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 9:42 pm
Posts: 1982
Yeah, my initial reaction is "No! No! No!"

Not because of the food or the dishwasher, but because having a baby is probably the most physically demanding thing you'll ever do and what you need right afterward is to rest. If you have people who can stop by briefly and clean a little or heat up some food for you or hold the baby while you take a shower, by all means let them! But no one should be putting you in the position of hostess.

Our daughter was the first grandkid on both sides, too, and my husband's family was initially talking about coming to stay with us right around my due date. I had to put my foot down and I'm so glad I did (oh, and we had also just moved into a new house and were in the process of unpacking and all that too). They're coming for their first visit next week and I think it's just right - the baby is three months old, we're all settled in a routine and we'll be able to visit and have a nice time rather than me being a giant hormonal, sleep-deprived ball of anxiety and wanting to stab everyone.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: post-baby visitation and sanity: incompatible?
PostPosted: Fri Apr 08, 2011 1:55 pm 
Level 7 Vegan
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 2:08 pm
Posts: 1576
yeah, I don't mean to sound harsh but like many of the posters above, I would say a firm YES, post-baby visitation and sanity are very incompatible. I would give yourself a few weeks if possible before the visitors descend on you...people's feelings may be hurt but this is your time to get to acquainted with your baby and yourselves as parents.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: post-baby visitation and sanity: incompatible?
PostPosted: Fri Apr 08, 2011 2:02 pm 
Drunk Dialed Ian MacKaye
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 9:42 pm
Posts: 1982
Also, I could feel that my mental health was sort of right on the knife edge of okay/not okay immediately postpartum. I was just a like a sponge and anyone's slightly off mood or tone of voice could really do a number on me, even if it had nothing to do with me personally. I'm sure it's not like that for everyone, but I felt like I had to be really vigilant about keeping myself on the okay side of things lest I slide into real depression.* For me, that meant being a lot more straightforward with people about what I could and couldn't handle than I've ever been before. Take care of yourself and your baby first and let everybody else fend for themselves.

* I'm totally not implying that PPD is something you can just mind-over-matter, if that's how this sounds. I'm just talking about how I personally handled the normal post-birth baby blues stuff as someone who knows she's susceptible to mild depression. I really hope I don't offend anyone!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: post-baby visitation and sanity: incompatible?
PostPosted: Fri Apr 08, 2011 2:11 pm 
And you never will.
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 8:41 pm
Posts: 3984
Location: Meh-phis
I agree with what everyone else has said. Having a baby is HARD. It's exhausting physically, mentally and emotionally. I literally didn't sleep for over 75 hours before/after poopiebaby was born. I had 3rd degree tearing (even with an episiotomy) and it hurt to sit/move/walk/anything for two weeks. I was very emotionally fragile and hormonal. And oh yeah, suddenly taking care of a whole new person who needs you 24/7. I'm not saying all these things will describe you, but it really seriously is the hardest thing you will ever do, and definitely not the time to have to do ANYTHING for anyone other than your baby or yourself.

I would give them a choice: they can come when you are ready (whenever you decide that time is), OR if they simply must see the baby asap, they can come sooner (you still get to decide when) and stay in a hotel, and when at your house they have to respect your space and leave when you say (and help in any way you ask, if you want help - including cleaning toilets for you).

_________________
I'm in a pure mood with poopietits now. Damn her jugs! - interrobang?!
give my you inquiries! and give poopie you burritos. - acr
Sometimes I think, it's really my lack of cybernetic implants that keeps me from being truly human. - Mars


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: post-baby visitation and sanity: incompatible?
PostPosted: Fri Apr 08, 2011 2:12 pm 
Writes Vegan Haiku
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Thu Dec 30, 2010 7:41 pm
Posts: 32
Location: Montana
I would plan on about 3 weeks. I usually do it earlier but we live close to those people. My family always help or they know to not stay long. I will enlist your help if you spend the night. I have a toddler that needs diaper changes anyone?

We are on number 5 though. At some point you could care less what happens to dishes or clothing. Of course, we are trashy and all our stuff is thrifted.

You don't need special baby wash. I use an eco friendly one on everyones. Usually it is Costco because we do at least three loads a day here and I need bulk. For cloth diapers dish soap is awesome. It helps if you have build up. Usually just a squirt will do.

_________________
Mother to four men and a little lady.


Top
 Profile WWW  
 
 Post subject: Re: post-baby visitation and sanity: incompatible?
PostPosted: Fri Apr 08, 2011 2:28 pm 
Wears Durian Helmet
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 1:19 pm
Posts: 829
Location: Northern NJ
annak wrote:
Husband is convinced we Just Can't ask anybody to put off visiting more than, say, 3 days postpartum.


Change 3 days postpartum to maybe 3 weeks postpartum. It really isn't a good idea to host anybody at your house right after. No matter if they stay with you or visit for a few hours it will be very draining. My first was the first grandkid on both sides of our families as well. I was happy the first week I was home to have the mom's (who both live close by) stop by for a short while to help out because I couldn't do anything. Any physical thing I did like wash dishes or whatever increased my postpartum bleeding a lot that first week but to have anyone stay with us would have been horrible. You need time to get your own rhythm going as a new 3some and having family there will not help at all with that.

If they ABSOLUTELY HAVE to come visit I would really ask that they stay in a hotel and limit their visits to your house for a few hours in the afternoon or whenever is best for you. Tell them it's vegan food only in the house and they are more then welcome to go out to eat for all their meals. Don't let them touch your laundry (you'll be doing it yourself anyway if they aren't staying there) and if they aren't staying there your bathrooms should not get too messy.

This is one time in your life that you must put your foot down. I'm not even letting people visit me in the hospital after this next one is born, our parents and siblings can come and that is it. It was exhausting having people in and out all day last time.

_________________
The blog: good-good-things


Top
 Profile WWW  
 
 Post subject: Re: post-baby visitation and sanity: incompatible?
PostPosted: Fri Apr 08, 2011 2:50 pm 
Waited in a line late at night for some stuff
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 2:14 pm
Posts: 491
Location: Louisville(J-town), KY
At three days postpartum you might not even be out of the hospital yet! You can put off having guests for as long as you need. No one else in this situation is giving birth, and even a comparatively easy birth is exhausting. You guys sound like introverts to some extent--in that you are exhausted by having people around, rather than energized--and in that situation, you need a chance to prepare yourself. Even after they come to visit, it's in no way rude to limit visiting time. Newborns sleep a lot anyway, so you can just explain that your kiddo's not supposed to be kept stimulated by visitors for too long(which is true). They can visit two or maybe even three times a day if they want, but having overnight houseguests is just not the way to go with an infant. Remember, not too long ago it was standard for women to stay in the hospital TEN days.

_________________
Aluistis ergo hoc incendium quo nunc ardetis.--Livy
Avatar courtesy of coldandsleepy and Avatar Charity.


Top
 Profile WWW  
 
 Post subject: Re: post-baby visitation and sanity: incompatible?
PostPosted: Fri Apr 08, 2011 4:41 pm 
Thinks Plants Have Feelings
Offline

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 11:28 pm
Posts: 66
I agree with what everyone else said. My in laws came up the day my daughter was born, and despite the fact that I insisted they be at a hotel, they were in the hospital constantly and I just couldn't rest and bond etc properly because they were just...there.

They left the day I ended up going home, but it was very stressful.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: post-baby visitation and sanity: incompatible?
PostPosted: Fri Apr 08, 2011 5:09 pm 
Seagull of the PPK
User avatar
Online

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 6:46 pm
Posts: 7225
Location: Brasil
i agree with what's been stated. my parents and grandparents showed up the day after the girls were born, and stayed in a hotel. both kids were in the NICU and one was in critical condition, so it was a very awkward situation. (plus my parents and i hadn't really spoken in years, my husband and father couldn't get along, what a mess)
My spouse and I ended up staying in the hospital around the clock for about two weeks, didn't even make it home, so i just left them on their own to decide what to do. They ended up staying that one day, saw the babies, realized how awkward it really was, and left after an hour or so.
About ten days after that was thanksgiving, and we still were in the hospital, and they called and said they were coming. They brought the entire thanksgiving dinner and paper plates and everything, stayed to eat, and drove home. They lived about 6 hours away. My mother came once the second baby was discharged from the hospital, months later, and stayed for a week to help me out, but that was it. There was no houseguest tomfoolery going to happen in my house, no way no how. Things are too crazy, even if things go perfectly, and you don't want to be exhausted, having trouble with latching and BF, or dealing with post partum emotions while dealing with houseguests.
Also, if parents insist on coming on birthday, talk to nurses and such before to establish limits. They were really helpful with us, inventing excuses to keep them away when they saw that things were really reaching the boiling point.

_________________
Buddha says 'Meh'.--matwinser
I'm just a drunk who likes fruit. -- Desdemona


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: post-baby visitation and sanity: incompatible?
PostPosted: Fri Apr 08, 2011 6:05 pm 
Married to the wolfman
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 9:49 pm
Posts: 5622
Location: Santa Cruz, CA
My family's on the east coast, and my husband's family lives about 13 hours north of us.

My dad really wanted to come visit right after the Emperor was born, and for several reasons, it just would have been too stressful for me. When I realized that my choices were either let the visit happen and possibly have a big blowout while he was here or just say no ahead of time and save us all some hurt and myself a lot of stress.... the choice became obvious.

So, we said no long term visitors until he was at least a month old. Our first out of town visit was actually from my husband's parents when he was two months old... they came to our house for Thanksgiving. That was actually really fun though also stressful, but by then at least I had the basics of having a baby down.

I think if we have a second kid, I'd be open to having visitors sooner so long as they're people who I think would be helpful. But I have really not regretted telling my family no once yet. You have SO many stressors when you have a new baby-- especially if it's your first-- that I really don't think there's any reason to let people come visit unless you think they're going to reduce your stress instead of adding to it.

_________________
"Hummus; a gentleman's vice." -- Mars

coldandsleepy cooks, THE BLOG!


Top
 Profile WWW  
 
 Post subject: Re: post-baby visitation and sanity: incompatible?
PostPosted: Fri Apr 08, 2011 7:11 pm 
Level 7 Vegan
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 3:30 pm
Posts: 1570
Location: Maine
I think the advice here is pretty unanimous. I, too, was surprised at how long it took to recover after birth. I was in no position to have guests for 3 or 4 weeks. The first week especially, you will be bleeding heavily and having all kinds of bathroom problems. You shouldn't get out of your pajamas, or even bed, if you can help it. And you know what? The baby won't be ready for visitors yet, either. He/she will be sleeping most of the time, which always disappoints people. You will be the only person your baby knows; imagine how overwhelming the bright, noisy, cold world is to a newborn, even without being picked up and talked to by lots of visitors. Tell family you'll send pictures or even video, and that they can visit in a few weeks, once you've had a chance to recover and get into a routine.


Top
 Profile WWW  
 
 Post subject: Re: post-baby visitation and sanity: incompatible?
PostPosted: Fri Apr 08, 2011 7:42 pm 
Trapped On A Desert Island With A Cow
Offline

Joined: Wed Oct 27, 2010 3:14 pm
Posts: 425
Location: Toronto
It is recommended that a woman not really do much in the first month. Not even leave the house. Sort of just relax, and not be stressed out by anything. If people are pushing, then they are being selfish. Your body, your needs.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: post-baby visitation and sanity: incompatible?
PostPosted: Fri Apr 08, 2011 8:55 pm 
Attended Chelsea Clinton's Wedding
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Tue Mar 22, 2011 9:38 am
Posts: 218
Location: Charlotte, NC
I put out an APB that there were going to be hardcore restrictions on postpartum visitors pretty much as soon as I entered my third trimester. I'm a pretty private person to begin with, and I knew recovery and life with a newborn would be intense, so I wanted all the third-cousins-thrice-removed and girlfriends-of-college-roommates to go ahead and get the "but why can't I come see the BAAAYYYBEEEE" drama out of their systems beforehand. We had brief immediate-family visitors in the hospital after the birth (the maternity nurses will run interference and herd people out if they stay too long, it's awesome), and that was pretty much it until R was a few weeks old and I was feeling stronger.

My mom did stay with us (in the studio apartment over our garage, which worked out great) the first week R was home. I was tentative about the arrangement before I gave birth, because I was kind of worried we might kill each other, but honestly? I was bewildered and barely stapled back together after my c-section and I really wanted my mama, despite all the intricacies and difficulties in our relationship. That part surprised me, but I'm really glad she was there.


Top
 Profile WWW  
 
 Post subject: Re: post-baby visitation and sanity: incompatible?
PostPosted: Fri Apr 08, 2011 9:28 pm 
And you never will.
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 8:41 pm
Posts: 3984
Location: Meh-phis
Oh yeah, and one more thing I wanted to add - when you're trying to figure out the whole breastfeeding thing and the baby wants to breastfeed ALL THE TIME, the last thing you want is people around who you wouldn't feel comfortable being basically topless around all the time. I swear I didn't really wear a shirt for the first two weeks (this was also because it was July and forking hot).

_________________
I'm in a pure mood with poopietits now. Damn her jugs! - interrobang?!
give my you inquiries! and give poopie you burritos. - acr
Sometimes I think, it's really my lack of cybernetic implants that keeps me from being truly human. - Mars


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: post-baby visitation and sanity: incompatible?
PostPosted: Fri Apr 08, 2011 10:05 pm 
Bathes in Braggs
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 8:11 pm
Posts: 1324
Location: Montreal
i guess i'll be the lone voice of dissent? i really enjoyed having my family around. my mom, dad and sister drove up the after the baby was born and stayed (um... i think they did? honestly, it's a real blur... i actually can't remember whether they stayed overnight or two days or just turned around and went back). it was wonderful to see them. the birth was a huge shock to the system, i really needed the support and comfort of my mom and dad, even though we have a slightly complicated relationship. i wasn't expecting it, but they were the ones i wanted to talk to most after the birth, besides my husband.

my mil came and stayed a week later, incidentally, just as we were being released from the NICU. i was more nervous about this visit, and honestly she wasn't that helpful, but i still don't regret the visit. for one, she was company for my husband as he ran around doing errands and making me dinner... she's not much of a cook, so she couldn't make us whole meals, but she did get me snacks, pour me juice and tea, and generally tidy up. then my mom came again to stay about a week after we were out of hospital, after my mil left. again, it was really nice. she grocery shopped and cleaned my apartment, did some laundry, marveled over the baby and was generally nice to be around.

now, i don't think extended family should be tromping through your house and you should put your foot down heavily on anyone but immediate family, and anyone with whom you have a bad or overly stressful relationship. but people (especially moms) are in my experience pretty good at knowing how to treat you after the birth, and if you let them take care of themselves, they will.

even if they can't cook you full vegan meals, surely they can make you tea, slice up fruit, and break open a container of hummus! they can also go grocery shopping (with very specific lists), pick up toiletries and forgotten baby items, fold and put away laundry, tidy up the kitchen etc. you will be basically tied to the bed for a couple days after you get home, pretty slow moving for a few days after that, and tied to the sofa or bed nursing for a couple of weeks after that... you have no idea how nice it is to have an extra pair of hands to fetch blankets, water, remote controls, burp cloths and whatnot while you try to get your baby latched on for the 100th time in a day.

anyway, i guess what i'm saying is that when you asked me before the baby was born, i would have said i didn't want family visiting right after either. but as soon as she was here, i was so eager to show her to them, and so much in need of any help and support they could offer, that i can't imagine them not seeing her for a few weeks after. extended family will probably be understanding of you not hosting visits until 3-4 months later, but immediate family (again, provided they're not crazy, or otherwise awful) will probably be nicer to have around than you realize right now.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: post-baby visitation and sanity: incompatible?
PostPosted: Sat Apr 09, 2011 9:06 am 
Wears Durian Helmet
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Fri Oct 22, 2010 2:56 pm
Posts: 848
Location: Halifax
If I could go back and tell people to hold off, I most definitely would have.
It totally depends on your family of course, so it would be different for everyone.
I had Malcolm at 4:50pm. During my entire labour, Malcolm's p.grandparents kept asking nurses if they could come in. I kept saying no, and told the nurses that I wasn't going to change my mind and I wasn't up for entertaining company with my legs spread towards the door. It came to point I told Malcolm's father to go tell his parents to fork off or I'd lose it. I had told everyone ahead of time I wanted only Malcolm's dad and my best friend in the room. My parents understood I would not change my mind. After the birth the grandparents saw him, his p.uncles, and my best friend.
The next day was horrible. I had 55 visitors in my room, starting with my grandparents at 9am, ending with my cousin and his kids at 10pm. That doesn't include hospital staff.
When I got home, there were messages on the machine from neighbours I didn't even like, asking when their WHOLE family could come over for a visit. When I didn't return their call, they called again, and again, and AGAIN.
Some of my girlfriends thought it would be a good idea to bring their dogs over. Big dogs. I like dogs, but not excited running all over my bedroom trying to lick my new baby.

If you want piece and quiet, tell people. Remind those who have had children how tired you will be, and how new everything is. If they must see int he first few days, tell them you'll have a web chat, or post pictures or something.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: post-baby visitation and sanity: incompatible?
PostPosted: Sat Apr 09, 2011 9:50 am 
Nooch of Earl
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Sun Dec 12, 2010 2:18 pm
Posts: 3407
Location: Bella Napoli
Thanks, everyone, for all this advice!! You're all confirming what I basically suspected, and I need to convince my husband of it. He tries to be easygoing and hospitable to everyone, sometimes to the detriment of our own sanity...and that's even without a newborn in the middle of things. Every potential task we could give people to help just doesn't seem to have a hope of not needing to be redone or worse. (I probably sound all doomsday here, but in the past attempts to help from family have just gone so awry and been stressful for me, so it's a point where I'm particularly wary, particularly with the food thing)

Right now I'm thinking at least not until after husband's paternity leave (10 days), and then maybe suggesting they stay where we stayed when we were househunting - hotel suites with a full-ish kitchen so they can cook for themselves and whatnot out of my kitchen/hair. I would love to say a month, but I don't know if I can get my husband on the same page with that.

We'll be having a home birth if all goes well, and so I hope the recovery should be better than average (though still not easy I'm sure), but that means nobody running interference for us.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: post-baby visitation and sanity: incompatible?
PostPosted: Sat Apr 09, 2011 10:06 am 
Huffs Nutritional Yeast
Offline

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 6:18 pm
Posts: 111
Sunflower wrote:
"We want to spend some time just the three of us, getting used to being our own little family unit and settling into some kind of routine."


The first month after having my daughter is a blur in my mind. Recovery takes a lot longer than you think it will (especially if you tear, have to have a c-section, etc.). Plus, if you nurse, you will be figuring out how to feed your baby, dealing with unexpected "let downs" (I would have milk all of a sudden pouring out of my breasts everywhere), and figuring out the whole latching thing. Oh, PLUS you will be bonding with your baby, bonding with your husband, and figuring out how the three of you will function as a family unit. The ONLY people I would have let in my house for longer than a few hours would have been my parents.

Unless you have a family member you trust to back off when you need them to, and help when you need them to, relatives/friends needs to stay away until you, your husband AND the baby are ready.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: post-baby visitation and sanity: incompatible?
PostPosted: Sun Apr 10, 2011 6:57 am 
Bathes in Braggs
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 6:01 am
Posts: 1296
Location: sunshine coast, australia
based on experience, i agree with pretty much everything that's been said. establish hardcore boundaries NOW. i told everyone NO visitors for a week, i still had well-meaning friends on my doorstep with a (bless them) homebaked casserole for me about 6 hours after i birthed (at home). if people can't understand that birthing and bonding is not about them, but about the babe, mother and father, then they are crassholes anyways and should definitely be nowhere around your newborn child.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: post-baby visitation and sanity: incompatible?
PostPosted: Sun Apr 10, 2011 7:35 am 
Has it on Blue Vinyl
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Sun Apr 10, 2011 6:59 am
Posts: 2196
Location: Oxford, UK
Thanks for posting this. I've just joined up today, looking for a place to post with other vegan moms, and this is one of the things my oh and I have been talking about just yesterday/today. We're just 9/10 weeks now, so a long way to go. We had a scan this past week though, which was fantastic, so now it seems more real and we're thinking about other things that just making sure she's in there, hanging on. :D

We're due in November, so I'm hoping that we can convince our families to wait until Christmas and then come when the kiddo would be about 6 weeks. By that time, assuming a relatively normal birth, I'm hoping I'll feel more human again, and will have had some mommy/baby bonding time before a throng of visitors arrive.


Top
 Profile WWW  
 
 Post subject: Re: post-baby visitation and sanity: incompatible?
PostPosted: Sun Apr 10, 2011 8:05 am 
Bathes in Braggs
User avatar
Offline

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 7:48 pm
Posts: 1374
Definitely establish boundaries NOW. I told everyone I needed two weeks of just me, baby, and my husband. Our families protested, but I kept my foot down. I also told them that my feelings could indeed change after the baby arrived - I might need more time or less. I really felt like our house was a sacred space, and I needed to keep it as peaceful as possible.
It turned out that the moment I woke after surgery, I begged (BEGGED) for the whole famn damily to get their butts over to the hospital. Sometimes you just really need your mom, but you need to be empowered to make that call yourself.


Top
 Profile WWW  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Reply to topic  [ 44 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

All times are UTC - 6 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: annasrobbie and 3 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group
Template made by DEVPPL/ThatBigForum and fancied up by What Cheer