| Register  | FAQ  | Search | Login 
It is currently Tue Sep 16, 2014 4:42 pm

All times are UTC - 6 hours [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 8 posts ] 
Author Message
 Post subject: Keeping your own identity
PostPosted: Sat Apr 23, 2011 11:39 am 
Offline
Vegan Vegan Vegan Vegan Vegan
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 11:38 pm
Posts: 4183
Location: Vancouver Island
What do you do for yourself to make sure you have a seperate identity from being a mother?

My counsellor is concerned that I don't do enough for me and that I may become too consumed with being a mother when the time comes. So what are the special things/times/hobbies that you do for yourself to set you apart from just being a mom??

_________________
tofulish wrote:
Human, the tastiest animal of all.


Gumboots & Cats Facebook Page
http://www.gumbootsandcats.tumblr.com/
http://www.gumbootsandcats.blogspot.com/
http://www.gumbootscatsvegansnacks.wordpress.com/


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Keeping your own identity
PostPosted: Sat Apr 23, 2011 12:39 pm 
Offline
Making Threats to Punks Again
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 9:47 pm
Posts: 1107
Location: the homestead
does your counselor have kids? It seems like a weird concern- at least from my perspective. Of course, you will know if its a valid concern for you.

i feel like it is hard, your identity changes, you aren't just yourself, being a mom is life changing and there is no way you can separate it from the other parts of who you are. I didn't have my son until i was 35, so maybe i had a strong sense of myself. Still, i am a stay at home mom who lives far from friends and family, and my husband works 60-70 hours a week, i rarely have a break from being mom that is longer then two hours a week. I read (or internet) during naps, i do things i love, like garden or cook with my son, but being mom is now part of my identity, i feel like i had to be okay with weaving it into my identity- it didn't take over, but its not separate either. There were times, especially in the first year were i felt i needed space to be me, but i also at some level realized that was time and situation specific- as my son is more independent, i am able to take care of my own needs more.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Keeping your own identity
PostPosted: Sat Apr 23, 2011 12:45 pm 
Offline
Vegan Vegan Vegan Vegan Vegan
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 11:38 pm
Posts: 4183
Location: Vancouver Island
jildez wrote:
does your counselor have kids? It seems like a weird concern- at least from my perspective. Of course, you will know if its a valid concern for you.

She does...I currently have a really hard time being motivated to do things for myself so she feels like it is my way of saying I am not important enough (it's often that Iw ill start something but never finsh, like school)...part of me thinks I am just really lazy but I value her opinion and try to take all her advice in a positive light. I also don't really have any friends that I currently feel connected to or not bothered by so I spend a lot of my time either with my bf or alone, which I prefer, but at the same time I would like to have people whom I feel a real connection with & enjoy similar interests/activities. When I do make the effort to go out with friends, I am often bored if we don't have a set agenda or activity to do.

_________________
tofulish wrote:
Human, the tastiest animal of all.


Gumboots & Cats Facebook Page
http://www.gumbootsandcats.tumblr.com/
http://www.gumbootsandcats.blogspot.com/
http://www.gumbootscatsvegansnacks.wordpress.com/


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Keeping your own identity
PostPosted: Sat Apr 23, 2011 12:49 pm 
Offline
Vegan Vegan Vegan Vegan Vegan
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 11:38 pm
Posts: 4183
Location: Vancouver Island
jildez wrote:
i feel like it is hard, your identity changes, you aren't just yourself, being a mom is life changing and there is no way you can separate it from the other parts of who you are. I didn't have my son until i was 35, so maybe i had a strong sense of myself. Still, i am a stay at home mom who lives far from friends and family, and my husband works 60-70 hours a week, i rarely have a break from being mom that is longer then two hours a week. I read (or internet) during naps, i do things i love, like garden or cook with my son, but being mom is now part of my identity, i feel like i had to be okay with weaving it into my identity- it didn't take over, but its not separate either. There were times, especially in the first year were i felt i needed space to be me, but i also at some level realized that was time and situation specific- as my son is more independent, i am able to take care of my own needs more.

Thank you for sharing!! I think my comment to her the other day, that I feel like being a mother is my purpose, was what sparked making sure I do things for myself, even if it is something like taking a bath or doing a 15 min meditation...

_________________
tofulish wrote:
Human, the tastiest animal of all.


Gumboots & Cats Facebook Page
http://www.gumbootsandcats.tumblr.com/
http://www.gumbootsandcats.blogspot.com/
http://www.gumbootscatsvegansnacks.wordpress.com/


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Keeping your own identity
PostPosted: Sat Apr 23, 2011 6:01 pm 
Offline
Trapped On A Desert Island With A Cow
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 1:30 pm
Posts: 432
Location: ATX
jildez wrote:
i feel like it is hard, your identity changes, you aren't just yourself, being a mom is life changing and there is no way you can separate it from the other parts of who you are.


i don't see it this way. i mean, of course my identity has changed, but i absolutely feel as if i still have interests and activities and parts of my life which have nothing to do with my son. they are precious to me, and the happiness and feelings of self-worth that they give me help me be a happier and more devoted parent to milo.

this weekend is actually a good example: this year is the third year for the comedy festival in portland. i'm a huge comedy nerd and so is my husband. the first year, milo was 1 when it was going on and my husband and i felt like there was no way we could go to any of the shows, we were just too busy, so we just looked at the list of the acts in town and sighed wistfully. same thing last year when milo was 2. this year, i was like: "fork it. i really want to make this work." so i volunteered to work 2 nights of the festival and my husband volunteered to give comedians rides to/from the airport at the beginning and end of the festival in exchange for free all-access passes to all the events. this weekend has been exhausting so far, but we've made it work, with one parent going to see comedy while the other stays home with milo. and milo? couldn't care less. i think that he is actually enjoying getting to have one parent all to himself.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Keeping your own identity
PostPosted: Sat Apr 23, 2011 7:22 pm 
Offline
Wears Pleather Undies
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 26, 2010 11:51 am
Posts: 23
Location: Pennsylvania
joanna wrote:
jildez wrote:
i feel like it is hard, your identity changes, you aren't just yourself, being a mom is life changing and there is no way you can separate it from the other parts of who you are.


i don't see it this way. i mean, of course my identity has changed, but i absolutely feel as if i still have interests and activities and parts of my life which have nothing to do with my son. they are precious to me, and the happiness and feelings of self-worth that they give me help me be a happier and more devoted parent to milo.



I agree with Joanna here. I have 2 small kids and my husband also works long hours. My friend worked in editing but now stays home with her kids. We started a writing club because we both like to write. We put up assignments every few weeks and then write stories (surprisingly a lot of other people we know have joined). She also has a book club with some other people, they are focusing on the classics.

I am a photographer but I don't advertise anymore due to my lack of time. I book any paying job that comes my way but lately I find myself offering jobs for free (for friends) every so often because I love doing it. Once a year I volunteer my time doing shelter animal portraits which are made into a calendar and sold for fund raising purposes. I am also doing a photo-documentary project with one of my clients who is starting a dog training program in prisons. This project is also volunteer based. I guess my point is I (personally) realized that I needed those creative outlets to function in a healthy way. I don't get to do this stuff every week but I know it's there and it is a direction I can turn to when I am feeling frustrated or down. All of these projects are things that are no pressure and low key so they do fit into my life without stressing me out. Even when I have long weeks with not a lot of help my mind can pick up on stuff in the everyday that can be useful/inspiring for my projects. My mom role can combine and inspire ideas for the other parts of me. I never thought I'd be offering my services for free but I realized it's the only way I can feasibly do it to keep my foot in, make connections and have something for myself. I'd love to take a class or something but I just don't have that kind of time.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Keeping your own identity
PostPosted: Sat Apr 23, 2011 10:01 pm 
Offline
Making Threats to Punks Again
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 9:47 pm
Posts: 1107
Location: the homestead
i agree with all of you guys, guess my wording was not great. I see being a mom as a huge add on to who i am, and i think its involved in most areas now, but in reality, my major passion and focus before becoming a parent was already child related, so that probably colors my perspective quite a bit. i was a teacher, and then a doc student in education, so this huge area of my life has been changed- i am still passionate- in fact, in the fall, i am finally going to start taking some online classes and next January i hope to get back into a program (we have gotten the finances worked out, we just have to figure out child care and figure out how i can make the 3 hr round trip). But, my perspective on education and the role of teacher has shifted as i look at it as both a teacher and a parent. Shannon i especially agree with what you said about your mom role combining and inspiring other parts of you- we can't surrender who we are- that would actually be depressing and negative for us and ultimately our children.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Keeping your own identity
PostPosted: Sun Apr 24, 2011 9:26 pm 
Offline
Not NOT A Furry
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 1:29 pm
Posts: 509
Location: Merryland
jildez wrote:
does your counselor have kids? It seems like a weird concern- at least from my perspective. Of course, you will know if its a valid concern for you.

i feel like it is hard, your identity changes, you aren't just yourself, being a mom is life changing and there is no way you can separate it from the other parts of who you are. I didn't have my son until i was 35, so maybe i had a strong sense of myself. Still, i am a stay at home mom who lives far from friends and family, and my husband works 60-70 hours a week, i rarely have a break from being mom that is longer then two hours a week. I read (or internet) during naps, i do things i love, like garden or cook with my son, but being mom is now part of my identity, i feel like i had to be okay with weaving it into my identity- it didn't take over, but its not separate either. There were times, especially in the first year were i felt i needed space to be me, but i also at some level realized that was time and situation specific- as my son is more independent, i am able to take care of my own needs more.

I am of the same mind as you, jildez. I have been a mother since I was 18 years old and frankly, I don't feel that I have missed out on much. I have a hard time thinking of things that I would like to do without the kids, at this point. They will not be this small forever and I will miss them when they are grown, so I figure that I will make the best of it as long as I can. Besides, most of the stuff that I would like to do can be done with the kids in tow. I do miss kayaking and mountain biking, but we are just going to get duckies (more kid friendly) and go down easier rivers for now and mountain bike easier trails or just do flat trails. Hiking and yoga are great family activities, as well. I also have a blast making art and cooking with the kids. Do I become weary of having the kids constantly? Absofreakinglutely! Everyone does! I just feel better with them around me than without them. Momo, if you are feeling bored around your friends, it may be that you have outgrown them and it is time to settle down and do your own thing. I don't think that you feeling as if you were meant to be a mother is a bad thing. I am also not saying that having kids is the answer if you feel that you are missing something. You will figure it out and adapt. We humans are resilient that way!
Edited to add that I do not feel that I have lost myself in motherhood. It has just been a wonderful addtion to who I am!

_________________
Go gentle unto the night, children. For the flouncin' hat is sure to unflatter even the finest face ~ Pandacookie
Get with the times, nameless fourth banana ~Tofulish


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 8 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 6 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group
Template made by DEVPPL/ThatBigForum and fancied up by What Cheer