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 Post subject: Out of Freakin Control!!
PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2011 10:01 pm 
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I'm honestly not sure which of us is more out of control, but the (15 year ole) kid has been nothing but bisque-y with me for 3 days, everything came to an ugly head tonight!! She was sassy/had a crappy attitude with me so I told her to go to bed, and she not only told me NO but physically stood up to me and baited me into trying to put my hands on her to force her, which I tried to do in an effort to get her to go to her room......we're the same size (in fact she's a little bigger than me in height and weight).....boring story even more boring, I feel like a crasshole and never expected it to go so far!! There's a whole lot of back story, but the highlights involve me now being in control of the discipline and failing horribly most of the time......I really just need hugs or reassurance or prayer, or advise, or basically whatever the hell you have to offer!!


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 Post subject: Re: Out of Freakin Control!!
PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2011 10:25 pm 
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*hugs*

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 Post subject: Re: Out of Freakin Control!!
PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2011 10:44 pm 
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Teenage girls are designed to make you crazy. I hear stories of girls slamming stuff in their bedrooms and yelling "WHY ISN'T ANYONE PAYING ATTENTION TO ME?" or telling their parents that "I KNOW YOU BOTH HATE ME AND WANT ME TO BE UGLY!" Even in 5th grade, they cry for no apparent reason ("Please take your seat." "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?")

It's not you. You are doing the best you can.

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 Post subject: Re: Out of Freakin Control!!
PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2011 10:51 pm 
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Everything Vantine said. And hugs.


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 Post subject: Re: Out of Freakin Control!!
PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2011 11:03 pm 
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when i was 15 my life was SO unfair and my mom was the worst. looking back i realize how awesome my mom was and how much of a jerk i was to her. just hang in there, you are doing everything you can. she is just trying to define herself and set her own limits and of course, she doesn't need your help (or so she thinks).


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 Post subject: Re: Out of Freakin Control!!
PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2011 2:02 am 
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Also, discipline is impossible. Being fair, constructive, and consistent sure SOUNDS simple.

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 Post subject: Re: Out of Freakin Control!!
PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2011 6:55 am 
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I can't even imagine the tortures of age 15. Age 11 nearly killed us, but even sailing at 12 again. All I can say is good luck! At least you know under the teenage crazy, you really do have a wonderful daughter <3

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 Post subject: Re: Out of Freakin Control!!
PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2011 7:43 am 
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Thanks for the support guys....just so frustrating!! Being her mom/friend was the one thing I thought I was actually good at.....now, not so much!!


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 Post subject: Re: Out of Freakin Control!!
PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2011 7:46 am 
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yeah, i got into a physical "altercation" with my dad at around 15. he was yelling, i threw a chair, he pushed me. not our proudest moment! but i just got back from a weekend visiting them and getting to hug my dad and play board games with him was the highlight of our visit, so hang in there, it'll get better (in 10 years or so)!


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 Post subject: Re: Out of Freakin Control!!
PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2011 7:48 am 
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You need to be less friend and more mum, my mum is my mum, not my friend, even at 39 I still wouldn't mess with her. I love the bones of her and we have a great relationship but she wasn't put on earth to be my friend.

Every time she starts just smile and remember you can hold it over her later in life when she's grown up and realises what a pain in the asparagus she was ;]


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 Post subject: Re: Out of Freakin Control!!
PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2011 9:29 am 
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i've said this before, but i think parenting is a lot like a new video game. the beginner's level is overwhelming, then you become acclimated and --BAM! level two begins. that level is crazy, you get the rhythm, and BAM! level three begins. i'm sorry it's so tough right now. i heard a comedian talk about teenagers are just toddlers with a bigger vocabulary--mostly ID and asserting their independence.

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 Post subject: Re: Out of Freakin Control!!
PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2011 9:58 am 
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jewbacca wrote:
i've said this before, but i think parenting is a lot like a new video game. the beginner's level is overwhelming, then you become acclimated and --BAM! level two begins. that level is crazy, you get the rhythm, and BAM! level three begins. i'm sorry it's so tough right now. i heard a comedian talk about teenagers are just toddlers with a bigger vocabulary--mostly ID and asserting their independence.

I concur with this statement, 100%. I have a 20 year old, a 7 year old and a 1 one year old....and they all act pretty much just like each other. I was hoping that the 20 year old would have grown out of the asshat stage by now, but no such luck. He still lives with us and just last night, when we asked him to mow the lawn, he threw a temper tantrum. Is he SERIOUS?!?!

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 Post subject: Re: Out of Freakin Control!!
PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2011 10:28 am 
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I have never had a teenager, but I was a teenager and I was horrible. I would constantly try to bait my parents into hitting me (in the case of my father, it really didn't require much provocation). My mom -- who is a total pacifist -- slapped me once and then went into her room and cried.

I have since apologized for being such a jerk.

Side note: my mom has eight kids and has been raising teenagers for almost twenty years now (her youngest is fifteen, her oldest is almost thirty-two). I seriously don't know what could motivate her to continue getting out of bed each day.

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 Post subject: Re: Out of Freakin Control!!
PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2011 10:54 am 
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No kids, but it wasn't so long ago I was being a little bisque to my own mom. Susie Essman (Curb Your Enthusiasm) jokes that our brains aren't fully formed until we are in our early twenties so teenagers are basically mentally ill people with car keys! Ha!

I do know that when dealing with emotionally charged people/situations that the best thing you can do (rather than trying to resolve the issue right then) is to remain calm and suggest to the person flipping out that you both leave the room and talk when both people are calm. In the case where she was trying to get you to hit her over a bed time maybe try just leaving the room once and talking about it with her when she is calm again.

In my own experience not letting myself get caught up in the emotions and keeping in mind that it can be resolved later takes the pressure off and often robs the wind from the sails of the person spazzing out.

You have the hardest job in the world!

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 Post subject: Re: Out of Freakin Control!!
PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2011 11:04 am 
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One of the things I try to do with my mouthy ones (17 and 14) is to say "I am not in a place to listen to you right now. Please calm down, away from me and we can try again later." And then I ignore any attempts to engage me until after they have walked away for a bit. It is hard, because my 17 year old loves a good fight. And sometimes it takes me hiding from them. It does however seem to be working.
Hang in there!

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 Post subject: Re: Out of Freakin Control!!
PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2011 11:11 am 
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i was a horrible bisque to my mother as a teenager, and we pretty much hated eachother until i was in my early 20's. now we have a pretty awesome relationship! so...hang in there, champ. it gets better, i'm told.

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 Post subject: Re: Out of Freakin Control!!
PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2011 11:38 am 
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I spent most of my time crying from 11-15, then I spent the rest of the time sulking in my room and giving everyone the silent treatment. When I wasn't harassing my parents to get off the phone so I could make very important calls listening to my boyfriend watch TV. My dad and I went through quite a few screaming/crying matches, but now we're closer than ever. It does get better. You'll one day get the satisfaction of knowing you were right without having to say "I told you so."

Parents make mistakes, too. My dad has said some things to me that really hurt, but we forgive and move on. I think this is the time when kids being to realize their parents are actually human. I know that was a scary realization for me, and at the same time I dealt with it by trying to destroy them because I knew they were legally obligated to love me no matter what. My dad was constantly trying to ruin my life by telling me he'd always love me no matter what I said or did.

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 Post subject: Re: Out of Freakin Control!!
PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2011 11:55 am 
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kfad wrote:
One of the things I try to do with my mouthy ones (17 and 14) is to say "I am not in a place to listen to you right now. Please calm down, away from me and we can try again later." And then I ignore any attempts to engage me until after they have walked away for a bit. It is hard, because my 17 year old loves a good fight. And sometimes it takes me hiding from them. It does however seem to be working.
Hang in there!

This is a great approach! I do this, too, but I am not so eloquent about it. When my kids get their mouths going, I immediately put my wall up (I actually visualize the wall going up). The wall is impermeable to hurtful language, accusations and anything of the like. I let them rant and rave and just simply say that I understand that they are upset, but their actions and words are not going to change the outcome of the situation (usually the tantrums are over requests to do chores or saying no to them doing something, eating something (candy is the culprit with my 7 year old) or going somewhere that they are not allowed to go). It usually works. I have had to go into my bedroom and sob into my pillow before, after some of my eldest son's tantrums. He knows exactly how to dig me in the worst possible way. There will come a day when we all look back on this and laugh...hopefully!

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Go gentle unto the night, children. For the flouncin' hat is sure to unflatter even the finest face ~ Pandacookie
Get with the times, nameless fourth banana ~Tofulish


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 Post subject: Re: Out of Freakin Control!!
PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2011 12:06 pm 
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mel wrote:
kfad wrote:
One of the things I try to do with my mouthy ones (17 and 14) is to say "I am not in a place to listen to you right now. Please calm down, away from me and we can try again later." And then I ignore any attempts to engage me until after they have walked away for a bit. It is hard, because my 17 year old loves a good fight. And sometimes it takes me hiding from them. It does however seem to be working.
Hang in there!

This is a great approach! I do this, too, but I am not so eloquent about it. When my kids get their mouths going, I immediately put my wall up (I actually visualize the wall going up). The wall is impermeable to hurtful language, accusations and anything of the like. I let them rant and rave and just simply say that I understand that they are upset, but their actions and words are not going to change the outcome of the situation (usually the tantrums are over requests to do chores or saying no to them doing something, eating something (candy is the culprit with my 7 year old) or going somewhere that they are not allowed to go). It usually works. I have had to go into my bedroom and sob into my pillow before, after some of my eldest son's tantrums. He knows exactly how to dig me in the worst possible way. There will come a day when we all look back on this and laugh...hopefully!



And it should be noted that I do fail at this. Some days it feels like all they want me to do is loss my mind and screech at them. Or they wait until they know I am not going to react well to whatever. But I try to remember that.

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 Post subject: Re: Out of Freakin Control!!
PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2011 12:13 pm 
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Boarding school at 14 was the best thing that ever happened to my relationship with my parents. I was still occasionally a giant turd, but in general it just improved everything so much.. and then by the time I went away to college we had a great relationship. Kinda funny: when I went away to high school or college (both <2 hours away from home, admittedly) my mom was fine, but after I moved back from home for a few months after college (basically waiting for my then-fiance-now-husband to get back from deployment), when I moved out west she cried and cried.

It gets better!! But really, the sooner you can get them out living on their own the sooner they'll realize that their problems were mostly imagined. Teenager-hood is a stressful and emotional time and I can still feel the very acute loneliness I felt during some of the bad times. It's not that they're trying to be obnoxious, it's that they're not really considering how you feel in any of this! (I guess that doesn't make it better?) Ugh, not looking forward to going through this myself...


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 Post subject: Re: Out of Freakin Control!!
PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2011 2:23 pm 
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kfad and mel, you are my role models.

Footface, you are too damn wise. Discipline is indeed impossible, and the other lofty goals often seem equally impossible.
That said, I'm glad I can have a mouthoff with my kid but things always work out within half an hour or so. We make that pretty clear, it can get bad, but a lot of it is her emotions, and they will pass (thanks to thousands of $$ in therapy for learning that).

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 Post subject: Re: Out of Freakin Control!!
PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2011 3:15 pm 
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I just wanted to send *hugs*! No kids, but I can remember this HORRIBLE fight that I got into with my mom. I skipped a lot of school when I was in high school and was always trying to stay home 'sick.' One morning I told her I was sick, and she yelled at me to get up, but I refused. Then my stepdad yelled at her for not being able to control me. So she comes back into my room and grabs me by my ankles and tries to pull me out of bed. I held on to the edge of the mattress until she gave up. She's said later of the incident that she wanted to shake me until my teeth rattled.

That being said, I eventually gained perspective and grew up, and I realize now that she was/is an incredible mom. She likes me better now, too. Although I think my antics are one of the reasons she's trying to convince me that I shouldn't have kids... ;-)

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 Post subject: Re: Out of Freakin Control!!
PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2011 8:16 pm 
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One of my friends tells her crazy adolescent daughter "No, we are not engaging the crazy right now." The girl is sent to her room to yell, toss things and stamp her feet. Her husband is desperate to give her what for but she says that you just can't even talk to them when they are being that provocative.
Sometimes after about 15 minutes, the storm passes and the girl is sweet and sunshiney.

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 Post subject: Re: Out of Freakin Control!!
PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2011 9:15 pm 
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You guys are just awesome.......I feel so less "failure as a parent" right now!! I just really have to work on sticking to my guns (I don't own a gun), walking away (or running away - from home), and not letting her get my goat (I also don't actually own a goat and I don't really know why she'd want to "get it"!!)

THANK YOU ALL!!


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