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 Post subject: Lost my Toy Poodle, Benny today.. having a rough time
PostPosted: Mon Jul 09, 2012 10:46 pm 
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before reading, be advised that this isn't only about my loss, but about anger at family revolving around it. If that's something you don't care to hear about, turn back.

In 2001, I was the part of a very tragic accident that involved me losing my toy poodle at the time.
Shortly after, my mom in her grief, couldn't handle it and adopted 2 toy poodles, Jack and Benny when there were but a few months old

(ps, I'll post pictures in this thread when I can.. just have to go through them and upload the right ones to a hosing site later)

I absolutely loved these dogs.. Still do. However, they were always my 'moms' being that I was responsible for the loss of the aforementioned pet. No matter, I gave these dogs as much love as I could, but they always saw my mom as their owner and since they were young, till this day, would be at her heels wherever she went in the house. As soon as they hear the garage opening when she gets home, they'd be at the door yelping.

I finally moved out (a little late for my liking) last December. It was hard leaving, but mostly on my mom for finally losing her 'baby'. (only child here)
The dogs comforted her.

Shortly after moving out, Benny began to have seizures. They got pretty bad. I never once got to see them, but my mom and step-dad would give me pretty graphic details as to how intense they were.
So, the vets prescribed meds, and I can't remember the name, but I know it's meds that humans take as well. These seemed to help with the seizures. They'd happen MAYBE once a week instead of nearly every day for a good few months.
In April, I believe, the seizures got bad again. The vets reluctantly raised the dosage above what they would want for a dog his size.. Before the dosage increase, we noticed he was a little 'out of it'.. After the dosage increase, he would just look like he's having the worst trip of his life at times.... But the extremely violent seizures subsided. The vets noted that raising it again wouldn't be recommended.

At this time, he began to get bloated a bit. Much thicker in his chest. Walking funny on top of the 'tripping'.. He had what seem like small bumps on his back evolve into quarter sized cysts within a couple weeks.
About a week and a half ago, the seizures came back, and Friday morning, he had 3 really bad ones in the matter of a couple hours. It's likely that the meds, or what was wrong with him originally, caused tumors to grow in him after the raising o the dosage. The vets that saw him today were pretty certain he had a massive tumor.. I'm somewhat skeptical that the meds did it to him, but there's nothing we could have done, right

My mom texted me that we were putting him down that day.

Long story as short as I can get it, I left work way early, extremely upset... Went to her house and she had changed her mind because she "couldn't be without him.".. The conversation got intense, yelling happened, I couldn't fathom having him go through another day of suffering.. But she couldn't deal with losing him. So I left her house, angry, upset for putting me through leaving work in that condition and even angrier for deciding to not go through with it cause she was being selfish.. which I told her on more than one occasion.
We basically didn't talk for Sat and Sun due to both me and @dakini's cars breaking down within hours of each other (great luck huh?) and her not returning my voicemails and text asking how he's doing.

She left me a voicemail this morning as if I didn't try to get ahold of her and that I didn't care for Benny... saying she was putting him down for good today.

PPK, I can't begin to tell you how difficult work was today. I faked so many smiles and quickly bs'd my way out of every conversation I had.. even avoiding some difficult conversations because I felt this welling up of pain and knew I couldn't deal with anything overly stressful. I got to my car and started balling right after work, knowing what I was about to hear from my mom when I called her.

She immediately told me that it happened quickly at the vet.. his eyes remained fixed on her as he passed. This happened an hour before I got out apparently.

I'm torn between one of the hugest feeling of sadness I've ever had and an intense feeling of Anger towards my mom.. I did, however, comfort her the best I could by coming over after work, and left out all the Anger until I was driving home. I'm just so mad that I should have been there too. I wanted to be at his side. I never got a real 'goodbye'.. As I left her house on Fri, it seemed like she wasn't going to do this for a long time. So I stormed out angry at her instead of giving him a proper goodbye.
We should have dealt with this on Friday as a family.. instead there was a fight.. horrible things were said (mostly at me from her... I just got so upset that I dropped a few f-bombs which hurt her feelings)..

I've been balling on and off since about 6:30.. I can't stop it.. I just wanted to have a last moment with him.. and she ruined that. Maybe I'm being selfish too? She's definitely dealing with the loss worse than I am, and I understand putting down your beloved pet is such a hard thing to do, but I also understand that letting them suffer is far worse.. She didn't quite get that until today I suppose.
I don't think I can show her my anger.. I mean, I'm so damn mad at her. I would be insensitive and I'm positive would be painted in a negative light by her to my family should I say anything.

I realize I'm likely making this too much about me.. I want to celebrate the wonderful life that was Benny. He was such a loving and friendly dog.. Never growled at or bit anyone. He just always wanted to be petted or sleeping next to Jack or a human. He loved those little toothbrushes for dogs. Pup-a-roni was his favorite 'treat'..

The last time I saw him on friday, I was eating an apple, and he was lying next to me.. I looked away for a moment and turned back to see him furiously licking the apple.. good thing I was almost finished, but regardless, I would've let him anyways.

(sorry for the novel)

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 Post subject: Re: Lost my Toy Poodle, Benny today.. having a rough time
PostPosted: Tue Jul 10, 2012 12:07 am 
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Oh DelectApple, I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved Benny. I know animals become family members (as I have 4 dogs and 2 cats of my own) and the loss of a pet leaves a terrible pain for everyone involved.

I think you're doing the right thing by remembering happy moments and good things about Benny. That being said, I completely understand where you are coming from about wanting to be there for him in his last moments as well as having the closure of saying goodbye. It seems as though your mom wasn't ready to deal with the reality that Benny was suffering and had to be let go humanely, and something must have happened over the weekend to change her mind. You have every right to be upset about not getting your closure, but if it were me, I would ask myself if confronting my mother about this would be worth it. If yes, when would be the best time? Probably not anytime soon. Maybe sometime in the distant future, you could tell her how devastated you were not to be able to say goodbye to Benny. However, regardless of what was said during the fight, I think it would help to remember that your mom is hurting as much as you are (maybe more, I don't know). I would hope that she didn't decide to end Benny's suffering without you there on purpose, as that would be terribly cruel. Perhaps she just couldn't take Benny' suffering anymore, or maybe the vet could only see her at a particular time? No matter the reason, I don't think that you were left out because of malice or revenge. If you do think so, then that would change a lot.

In this case (if it were me), I would take the time to mourn Benny properly and help my mom do the same. I'm truly sorry for your loss and your pain, but what matters now is that Benny is no longer suffering and had a great life surrounded by people who obviously loved him.

(I hope I didn't say anything offensive, as I know sometimes text doesn't come across the right way. So please, if anything I said was offensive, I'm terribly sorry.)

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 Post subject: Re: Lost my Toy Poodle, Benny today.. having a rough time
PostPosted: Tue Jul 10, 2012 1:58 am 
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Many hugs to you, what an awful way to lose such a beloved member of the family.

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 Post subject: Re: Lost my Toy Poodle, Benny today.. having a rough time
PostPosted: Tue Jul 10, 2012 2:30 am 
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So sorry for your loss, and sending you much love. Try to let the anger go - grief and distress may have made your mum act in a way that she would not have done if she had been able to think things through clearly and unemotionally.

Please hold on to your memories of Benny not just as he was when he was a young, fit dog, but also that last time you saw him when he tried to pinch your apple. You might feel after a while that even though you couldn't be there during his very last minutes, you had some special time with him which was really his goodbye to you, even if you didn't fully know it. He would have known how much you loved him, and he wanted to be with you. Knowing the right time to let a beloved companion go is so very hard, and it is likely that after you saw him, he may not have been so with it, and so much like himself.

Will you have an opportunity to have some kind of memorial?

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 Post subject: Re: Lost my Toy Poodle, Benny today.. having a rough time
PostPosted: Tue Jul 10, 2012 8:28 pm 
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So sorry for your loss...

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 Post subject: Re: Lost my Toy Poodle, Benny today.. having a rough time
PostPosted: Tue Jul 10, 2012 10:06 pm 
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If it were me, I would probably be mad at my mother also. I don't have any clues on talking to your mom about it since I avoid my family.
I think focusing on the good times you had with Benny will help. Even if you couldn't be with him at the vet, I'm sure he knew you loved him.


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 Post subject: Re: Lost my Toy Poodle, Benny today.. having a rough time
PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 11:18 am 
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I am sorry for your loss and I can completely understand why you feel angry. Before saying anything (or deciding not to) I would take a few days to process your grief a little. If it is acute, it can make you do and say things that you wouldn't normally (or you may say them but phrase them differently).

Definitely look after yourself though.

Mat.

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 Post subject: Re: Lost my Toy Poodle, Benny today.. having a rough time
PostPosted: Thu Jul 12, 2012 12:49 pm 
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Awww...I'm so sorry it happened this way. I completely understand your anger too but like mats says, I'd wait a few days to process your grief. My sister had to put down her kitty last August and my nephew wanted to be there, but the situation was too acute and he was suffering so he had to be taken to the vet immediately where he died and my sister just couldn't wait for my nephew to arrive. He was terribly disappointed that he couldn't be there though because that was his cat and he considered it as such. *hugs*

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 Post subject: Re: Lost my Toy Poodle, Benny today.. having a rough time
PostPosted: Fri Jul 13, 2012 4:13 pm 
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I am so sorry for your loss.


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 Post subject: Re: Lost my Toy Poodle, Benny today.. having a rough time
PostPosted: Tue Jul 17, 2012 11:43 am 
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I'm so sorry for your loss. Based on my own experiences with this kind of thing, a couple of things to consider:

1. Your mother, being closer to Benny than anyone else, did what she felt was right for him. It's very difficult to let go of a pet, particularly when you're in control of terminating that animal's life. I've had five rescue ferrets, two of whom are now deceased. The first one had cancer, as well as a series of massive seizures that we futilely attempted to mitigate through medication. We lived with this for, literally, years, until finally I chose to have him put down. It was very, very difficult to commit to this, because while in the moments he was seizing I wanted nothing more than to end his suffering, when stabilized he exhibited no signs of pain or discomfort at all. I wavered on the decision during several vet visits, and ultimately made the decision on a day like no other, when I decided he'd had enough of being packed in the car, driven across town, and given fluids. I didn't even really know whether it was The Time, but it happened to feel right that day.

A second ferret died a few weeks ago, in his sleep, after years of living with cancer. He looked awful to an outsider-- his belly was swollen, and he stumbled when he walked. But he could eat and poop and slept most of the time (a ferret's favorite activities), and played with the other ferrets until the end. I would have had him put down much earlier if I had felt he was in pain or unhappy, and I was ready to do so at any point, but I had no notion in my mind concerning when that point would be. My point being: while seizures and tumors and illness are scary, and we don't want our pets to be miserable in life, it's nearly impossible to point to an exact moment in time in which it seems appropriate to end an animal's life. We do the best we can, and it sounds like that's what your mother did, so try to not to harbor too much anger toward her over that.

2. I know it's saddening, and can be guilt-inducing, to be absent when a loved one dies. Our ferret who died recently did so while I was housesitting for someone, and my husband called to give me the news. I had assumed he had weeks left, as nothing had changed in his behaviors, and frankly I had expected to have to have him put down rather than for him to go on his own. I felt awful for not being there, but my husband reminded me that I gave him a life he would not otherwise have had, and that's something I feel happy about. Also, most animals, if left to their own devices, almost always prefer to die in solitude. They don't care whether you're there with them when they go, or whether you're a million miles away. What matters is how you treat them until that point, and it sounds like you and your mother both really loved Benny, and that's what matters.


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