Post Punk Kitchen Forum

I am sad.

Eryn, depression can happen to anyone not just people who have been through stuff. That's why it is a medical illness. Lot's of chemicals and stuff going haywire. (yeah I'm down with the technical jargon today)

So I went to see my psych. Told her about the symptoms I was having and the difference in my mental health when on the generic vs the brand drug. Judging by her face it ain't as straight forward as it being anxiety and depression but considering the difference in how much better I am when I am on the brand name the future is a lot more optimistic.

Thanks to us now also working with each other she had to transfer my care back to my GP. If I need the services again I was given the option of going to another service or to another psych in the service that I wouldn't see during my normal working day. I went for the 2nd option because I know when I am not doing too good I wouldn't be able to do the long drive to another service.

My doctor was saying that wellbutrin can actually help with anxiety but that it's not usually the first choice because it often increases anxiety as a side effect at the very beginning. I've been on it for a week and a half and for the first couple of days I had some increased anxiety but then it subsided. I am noticing slightly reduced appetite, a bit of a tremor/shakiness and dry mouth as well as occasional insomnia, but I've stopped with the excessive sleeping/napping and definitely have increased motivation (though now manic), which is really important. I think we're going to work on lowering the cipralex a lot or phasing it out entirely.

I am in therapy but it's not going too well.

Ok I totally meant "NOT manic", not "now manic". Oops.

not to be too nosey, but is it that the therapist is not a good fit? i know i had two professionals that just had to go, straight out. i was pretty much able to tell right away.
if you don't have options for switching, that's hard, and i might come out and say to the person, "you know i'm not finding our sessions useful because i feel like you're just telling me "oh things are so sad for you" but you're not giving me any constructive tools to get through my sad and difficult life" [yes, i said that. then she decided she'd refer me to a new person.].

or maybe, alternatively, the person is OK, it's the therapy itself that's a bisque. I've been there and I had a really good therapist (a social worker) who gave me good advice: she told me that the most effective therapy sessions hurt the most and cause the most disturbance and suffering afterwards. I can only speak for my own experience, but after all that suffering was said and done, therapy did really change my life, maybe even saved it. I hope you get something positive out of this, therapy can hurt a lot. Big hugs.

There I was thinking..... jeeezzz! That royally sucks! Although, sometimes I find with a medication change or a dose change (either up or down) I can get slightly manic for a few days.

Thank you. It's such a relief to hear someone say "that makes sense"! I'm going to try to sort out some counselling again so hopefully that won't take too long.


I think I need this written on my bedroom wall so I can read it when I wake up everyday! It's one of those things that I know but somehow never really remember. Thank you

So... I am in this thread.

Haven't (figuratively) been in this thread for seven years and I don't want to be here. I remember depression as hell on earth, I can't think of anything worse, and I always told myself that I'd fight tooth and nail and do anything to not go back there ever again, and then it crept up on me and by the time I knew what was happening it was too late and I was just too apathetic to fight at all.

I need to tell my mum what's going on, she'll know how to help me - she's had depression herself and was my main support last time - but I just don't know how to say it. I think I'm still a bit in denial myself.

I am up and down like a forking yo-yo these days. I have BP but my mood has settled into a pattern of 3 days down, 4 days up. I actually think the medication I am on makes me so much worse. Lithium seems to do nothing, quetiapine does help with my anxiety but it makes me very sleepy and fat and I think it actually makes me more depressed because it is like a brain quilt, valdoxan has made me cycle much more quickly than I ever had before and while it has changed the nature of my lows it doesn't stop them, propanolol does nothing and when my moods head up the tamazepam or zopiclone don't actually help me sleep!

I am feeling very frustrated but I just thought I would stop by and say hello again in this thread.

I never really get long being healthy do I? Showing signs of going downhill again. Struggling to keep a rein on household chores. I only managed to do a bit today and I am utterly exhausted. I could have done with a nap but didn't have time at all but I feel like I didn't get anywhere with the cleaning. Appetite is gone poor too which only happens when I am severely depressed but I'm certainly not that bad yet.

Spent the morning crying, now I don't feel anything at all. Except maybe self-hate, guilt, all the usual rubbish.

Blah, I can't give in to this. I was discharged, given the "all clear" from depression! No way can i admit it's back. My fiance knows, obviously, but...nobody else can know, ever. I'm so ashamed.

big hugs, vix. I know in my case that there was never an "all clear"- depression is something that will always be with me, always. It comes and goes and I need to be ready for it when it decides to kick me. Please don't feel guilty or hate yourself, nobody asks for this, and even if anybody did, we wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Can you find a professional to talk to? Ask if the money-back-guarantee is still valid?

yeah...I guess that's the truth. I've had this since I was eleven years old and had so many years and years of therapy...I was doing so well they discharged me. I think maybe this loooong winter is making it worse for me. I started crying in the shower today because I was so cold. I mean, it's not that cold, I'm just...sensitive.

But since I'm discharged, I was told if I want to see a professional again I have to get re-reffered...and here on the NHS it takes ~6 months to even see someone/be assessed.

I just feel guilty for my fiance. He doesn't understand why I'm upset all the time...and to be honest, neither do I. I've got so much to be happy about at the moment but damn it, I'm not! And all I do is cry and don't tidy the house enough.

Huge hugs, vixki! I am with you on the cold. Spring will come though! It will! It must!

Please don't feel guilty or ashamed if you can help it. I know easier said that done, but it seems like that would just make it worse, you know? I've also heard guilt is a symptom of depression, for what it's worth.

I have major feelings of guilt surrounding depression as well. I tell myself that I should be better, I've been through so much therapy and I'm so thankful for the helps its given me and I wouldn't be the person I am today without it, so why do I still get so forking messed up? (My actual diagnosis is panic disorder, but I have bad episodes of depression that go along with feeling angry that my disorder makes me so dysfunctional at times). I tell myself I SHOULD be better than this, which makes me feel worse.

I'm feeling a little better now than I was this morning. I did a bit of tidying and some baking which I didn't want to do but I knew I should. And now I have cookies and my fiance will be pleased because we have cookies, so that makes me feel a bit better. Sitting around doing nothing doesn't help but I never learn that. I always WANT to sit around doing nothing.

My fiance suggested I join some class or group or something so I can get out and see people. Like creative writing or something, I used to do that but never have motivation anymore. I don't really want to see people though!

It's nice to know the guilts normal. If it's a symptom too, that's good I guess, it's not just me. I think I take on the guilt of everything. I went to hospital for an allergic reaction last week and felt so guilty about that. But of course it wasn't my fault...I just seemed to think it was. And I guess depression is the same. It's not my fault. I didn't choose to be this way.

But what do I say when people say "you don't have anything to be down about?" I've never figured that out.

Vixki: You might want to check out this thread for ideas--or add your own! http://theppk.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=25&t=25868

It took me several weeks to get back to an exercise class (and it's something I enjoy!) but the thought of being around people made me feel really weird and bad. I started with going back to the gym and doing something on my own once a week, then bumped it up to twice a week, and now I'm going about three days a week.

I am SO glad you tidied up a bit and baked. I really need to do that as well. I think your fiance is maybe on the right track, but it's super OK if you start really, really slowly. Like maybe even just looking up classes to see what's in your area? Or spending a bit of time writing on your own?

To give you an idea of just how slow my progress is going. I've broken into little bits, like first I wrote down and prioritized everything that I need to do at home (cleaning wise) and I'm working on making a grocery list and menu planning. This has taken me three weeks. Part of me feels ashamed about that (and like a dirty asparagus), but I also trust that I'll get there. It helps that I'm working with a doctor who is very, very supportive of me taking it slow. I almost feel like I'm learning to be a functional human being again.

paprikapapaya: You are brilliant and fierce. The fact that you keep on going is something to be proud of, you know? Like some days getting out of bed, taking a shower, and getting in to work is an accomplishment. Don't be too hard on yourself for not feeling 'better' on top of that.

Oh I so know what you mean about learning to be a functional human being. I guess that's what I feel like. I need baby steps, but I want big steps! I get so frustrated every time a trip into town turns into tears. I guess I kinda need to structure it more though, doing small steps. If it was up to me I'd never do anything :p
I hope your progress keeps on going...sounds like a good system you've got. I am tempted to look at gym stuff because I heard exercise is meant to help, do you find that so?

I find the exercise helps me, but it might be because I believe it helps? I've read that studies say it can help and other studies refute that, so I just go with what I feel like. It gives me something to do that's active. I like using my muscles. Completing a routine gives me a sense of accomplishment. Setting and meeting a particular goal gives me a sense of accomplishment. The caveat there is that right now it has to be small and attainable.

In a lot of ways the baby steps feel silly, but then again I kept telling myself to just get back in to my 5 a week routine, and when I would inevitably fail, I'd just feel worse. Same with household stuff. I'd be like, OK! I need to clean the whole house and scrub everything. And then I would feel overwhelmed and stay in bed and just feel worse about myself.

I missed a train on Saturday and cried because I was ready to go home and couldn't for another couple of hours (if it makes you feel any better).

ETA: I think we'll both get there. One step at a time.

This happened to me with a greyhound bus so recently.

hugs peeps. i was in tears getting ready for a big meeting this morning. but the meeting went well and i went and ran for a while afterwards and felt much better. I know exercise doesn't help everyone but it definitely makes me able to get through the day [i tend to run around lunchtime, when i'm out and about near the gym, otherwise i don't think i could make myself do it].

also just got a recommendation for local therapy. don't have a critical issue at the moment but think i will get on their waiting list anyway.

Hugs for everyone! I think I was really in denial the last little while about how depressed I was and I am only realizing it now that I'm feeling better. Me Moon is dealing better with his issues. I got a second job but I'm not working so much that it's destroyed my work/life/health balance. My house is actually moderately clean and I've been able to sort through some things that haven't been dealt with since we moved in. The seasons are changing and I think that's helping too.

Hugs everyone xxx

Here is something to make you all chuckle..... I seem to have come down with a serious case of man-flu. It's incredibly rare in women. But thanks to that I am completely away with the fairies. Most of the day I've been a bit vacant looking. Nothing too unusual there. This afternoon I had a work related meeting with my ex-psychiatrist and all I wanted to do was lay off on the ground and go asleep. She kept looking at me the whole time as if to say "oh shiitake, I shouldn't have discharged her."

Vixki- I've been in and out of the mental health system since the age of 12. Every time I got out of the hospital, finished a day treatment program or ended therapy I was all "YAY! It's all over now! I can put it all behind me and write a book about it!". One of the things I've really come to realize after being in these cycles for almost 11 years is that the more I expect it to be over and deny it returning the worse it makes relapses. Admitting you need help again and pursuing it makes the process so much easier.