Post Punk Kitchen Forum

I think it is a little bit of both but I know that as my depression got worse I stopped trusting myself and in turn lost the trust I had in other people. If you are not there yet, then that is ok. I don't know what is going on with you at the minute but just try and look after yourself and give yourself the time, love and relaxation that you need and deserve.

Before I go into more detail....I promise that I'm going to talk to someone I trust tomorrow morning....and I've texted a couple people to keep myself accountable.

Anyways.

I'm really angry at myself for even writing this on here......but I just don't know where else to do so. I tried texting a friend.....then I got nervous and went "just kidding"....and somehow convinced my friend with her phd in sociology that I was ok. I tried calling the mental health line, and when I heard the person answer I just went "Uhh,....hi......never mind".

I'm feeling really stupid and lazy and useless. For the past few months every time I've been met with a deadline or something important I've procrastinated and have been getting so little done. At the end of last term I broke down and couldn't finish my assignments and was given an extension. I handed in shitty work 3 weeks ago and still did ok on it...I guess the profs took pity on me.

Now faced with more deadlines I am hitting a similar block. It's so juvenile....why can't I just get things done? I feel like I'm using depression as an excuse for laziness. I feel like I want to smash my head against a wall until stuff is done.

How do I expect to be able to handle grad school or a "real" job? Why did I go into social work when I'm clearly unable to keep my shiitake together? And if I'm unable to keep my shiitake together and thus unable to do social work.....what is the point of me being here then?

I feel like such a colossal waste of time, energy and resources. Even from the ppk so many of you have offered support, guidance and friendship and all I do is write whiney, melodramatic bullshiitake like this. That's why I don't want to talk to friends about it or even my old therapist.....DEFINITELY not my parents.....but that's another story.

I've been on antidepressants since I was twelve. I've been in therapy since then too. 4 psych hospitalizations, months in ED treatment, so much "help". God that makes me sound like a crasshole....most people don't have access to support, and I waste it by not properly utilizing it.

I have this pattern.....I'll get so deep into distress then hit a crisis- usually me ending up in the hospital or something similar. Then I'll take months of intense self reflection/treatment and emerge all pheonix-from-the-ashes and be a forking story out of chicken soup for the soul.

But it always happens again.

So basically....I don't think its worth it. I don't think I'm worth it. I feel in the end I'm just causing people pain and frustration. All I want to do is help make the world a better place and all I do ultimately is make it miserable for those around me.

I feel so horrible for thinking/feeling this way.....knowing what consequences the thing I'm alluding to entail. I don't want to do that to the people I love.

I really wish everyone in my life could forget about me....or that I simply never existed.

Ok, enough.

Going to try and sleep.

It is nobody's place to tell you that you shouldn't feel the way you do. Certainly not mine. I don't have your experiences, your challenges, and I don't see the things that you see every day, which to be honest, is stuff that just reading about sometimes makes me want to cry.
But that said, I wish you would not be so hard on yourself. Yes, it is challenging sometimes to just pick up your bootstraps and move on when it feels too much. Nearly anyone who says to do so just has no forking idea what it's like.
All I want to really say is Rowan, I really admire what you do, and the courage that shines out of you through your posts here. You have a tough row to hoe, and you do a lot of things that many people wouldn't have the guts to do or say. I hope you can take it easy on yourself, get some people to support you and give you what you need, and maybe be able to see these cyclical feelings and experiences come and go without having them knock you down. Hang in there.

Lots of hugs, Rowan!!!!

I think it is admirable that every time you've been in a crisis, you've sought help. I didn't do that, not for many years and now I wish I had gone for help earlier. Could you try a new therapist? Someone who specializes in long-term recovery? You've recognized the pattern, maybe they could help lessen the downs or redirect the spiraling.

Since I don't know you any more than what you wrote, any advice is just a shot in the dark. But I do know there are people in your life that are better for having known you, and there are people that will miss you if you are gone. I see a lot of my struggles and thoughts in your story, and that gives me comfort to know I'm not alone (even though I truly wish neither of us had to go through any of this). And I want you to know you aren't alone either. I have hope enough for the both of us that things will get better.

*more hugs*

Rowan, I think you're really brave for being honest, for having sought help in the past. I have been in a similar place--I've had multiple psych hospitalizations, longterm therapy, medications, the whole shebang. And when I get to that precipice, I just find myself thinking "God, shouldn't I be fixed by now?" I always think about it like a groove that my brain finds so easy to slip back into, since it's been there before. It's so tough to battle your way back through over and over. But you are doing it, have done it. Please be safe and know that you're not alone.

Rowan, you've got a majorly good thing going in that you've recognized a pattern that is causing you trouble. That's the really important first step in overcoming it and moving forward to a healthier, happier life.

Here's what I think. Take it however you like:

1. You are, of course, a worthwhile person.

2. You do too much. WAY too much.

3. In order to break the pattern, you are probably going to have to do less phoenexing from the ashes, and more boring, unglamorous, self-focused work. You need to really confront the drive you have to push yourself to do too much, because it seems pretty clear from here that it's a manifestation of low self esteem, rather than a healthy, positive drive to help others. (That's not me trying to call you selfish or anything of the sort).

4. You will be able to do a lot more good in your life if you take the time to really and truly establish yourself as a healthy and happy adult with boundaries, and down time, and support, and all that other stuff that you seem to want to write off as selfish, than you will if you continue this phoenix cycle. Sustainability simply MUST be key.

5. There's no reason you can't wait to go to grad school for a while.

6. You're not selfish or awful for wanting or needing help, or for having problems that aren't quickly and easily solved.

7. You're awesome.

Rowan, I wish I could just hug you after reading that. Please don't feel worthless. Living with a mental illness is forking tough. It is really, really hard and you have been doing it and I know it doesn't feel like it right now but you can push through this, you have done it before and you will do it again.

I know it might be little comfort but I go through those patterns and I have felt EXACTLY as you are feeling right now. I don't have any advice because I think Jordan has said it all much better than I could but just know that you are not the only one who feels like that and you are such a kind, compassionate, caring person and one day all of this is going to let you help somebody in a way that no one else will ever be able to. Just please stop being so hard on yourself and see how wonderful and strong you are, even if you don't feel it right now.

So here's what happened today:

Didn't sleep.....went to early morning class.

Prof noticed my sad face.....I ended up talking to said prof after class...explain situation.....she suggests I go to the ER. I wasn't feeling safe so.....I agreed.

We go to the ER.....prof has to go and I wait around for 5 hours. I explain the situation......I get criticized for not making an appointment with my psychiatrist instead of going to the ER. fork......it took so much out of me to be able to ask for help.....if I go to the motherforking ER I mean business.

I am instructed to make an appointment with my shrink......given the crisis line number......a note excusing me from todays classes (WOO freaking HOO).....and instructions like "do one nice thing for yourself each day".

Excellent. That changes everything.....not.

Oh I'm thinking good thoughts for you Rowan. I hate how depression is handled by a lot of people in the medical field who don't have specific training on it. I really hope you're doing ok. Stay strong and let us know if you need anything.

A relative of one of my coworkers (who everyone else knows) just had an "emergency" cesarean this morning. Failed induction (at 40wks +1 day), epidural, and then told she was too small to birth the baby she grew. Everyone's just carrying on about how tiny she is and "of course she couldn't birth a baby!" and that she (and her husband) should be lucky that the kid didn't "shread everything down there". And that at least she'll be able to schedule all further births (they were planning on having a big family, which just breaks my heart. A body can only handle so many surgeries, and if she wants to VBAC in the future, she's going to have to fight so hard since she never went into labor on her own).

It's triggering me so bad - all I want to do is cry (and go down to that stupid hospital and hug the poor girl and tell her that her body isn't a lemon.) I hate our medical system so so so very much.

Rowan, I am so, so proud of you for asking for help. I'm sorry that they were unhelpful, but the fact that you screwed up all your gumption and did it, well, I think that's something. You are a fighter, kid. Keep on fighting.

Flava, I'm so sorry that is so hard on you. I'll keep your co-workers relative in my thoughts. Everything dealing with childbirth terrifies me, so I can only imagine what she must be going through (and you, too, unfortunately).

I finally made myself call someone, and I don't know. I just didn't get that connection vibe. It also weirded me out that there was no receptionist, so I was just right there on the phone with the psychologist. Is that common? She had a cold with a hacking cough, so she kept coughing and then trying to find out what's wrong with me, but I'm at work, so I didn't want to say too much. I probably should have stepped out to make the call. I really just thought I'd be able to find out (from a receptionist) if the psychologist was taking new clients and if I can schedule a first session to meet and discuss what I was looking for. I have another person to call, but I think I'm going to wait until I get back from Brazil.

I was so down, I could barely get out of bed. I called my dad to come up and help me, and he helped me get my house cleaned and organized, and everything was going great, then all of a sudden it came crashing to a halt again, and I just want to stay in bed. I feel like it shouldn't be that difficult to function as an adult, and yet the simple act of taking care of myself, cleaning the house, doing laundry, taking out the garbage, seem monumental and insurmountable.

Mostly I'm saying all of this because of Rowan's post. Sometimes, it just is not easy to pull your shiitake together and get on with it. That doesn't mean you're not worth it, that you're defective, lazy, anything of the sort. I'm going to take baby steps to climb back up, and I hope you all can, too.

Has anyone ever seen a psychologist and then a psychiatrist? I know how they are different, but how are the appointments different?

Psychiatrists can give you drugs.

I'm really angry that the school I went to when I was very young forked me up so badly that I still, nearly thirty years later, attribute the worst, twisted motives to virtually everyone I come in contact with. I have to constantly battle against feeling like everyone is trying to screw me over, and I'm not really sure how to overcome that. Is that the sort of thing seeing a counsellor/shrink helps with?

I've only seen one once, and it seems like that was his go-to answer for everything. He even suggested trying an ADD medicine because if it works, then I have ADD.

I'm not anti-medication, but that seemed a bit backwards to me. I would imagine that a psychiatrist would have more knowledge on what's available and what has helped people with a given set of symptoms more so than a general practitioner. I don't think psychologists can even prescribe meds, correct?

Dropscone, I definitely think it could help. I haven't had the exact same experience as you, but I was pretty horribly bullied at the end of primary school (grades 5-7 here), and I've been seeing counsellors on and off for years (currently seeing one), which has definitely helped me deal with some of the effects of that. I think that if you have problems with trusting people because of past experiences, it can be useful to have a place to talk about those experiences, and talk about expectations of new people, and work out how to deal with the feelings that come up in a more constructive way. Also, counselling can be a safe place to practice learning to trust someone and let yourself be vulnerable with them, if you can find the right fit with a counsellor and have that kind of relationship with them.

Rowan - so much love. You're so incredibly tough, and everyone else has suggested really useful stuff, I think. I totally have faith that you can keep going through all of this, and learn a new pattern or way of dealing with the intense ups and downs.

I am trying so hard to keep my head up and keep going because I know things are just so stressful right now and I know that this will pass but I just can't. I am a terrible person. Everytime I let my dog out I secretly hope that she has gotten away because I am just done clearing up after her over and over again. My house is a tip and I just can't bring myself to clear it because she is going to make it such a mess within a couple of hours there is no point. It seems like everything I own is falling apart. I have no money. I have binged and purged for the first time in I don't how long and I am so exhausted. And I feel like such a selfish crasshole because my Dad is actually sick and here I am being such a whiny bisque. I just can't think of one aspect of my life that I actually like.

Does anyone know if Rowan is okay? Her last few posts have been really sad, and she hasn't been on the PPK in a week.

Hopefully somebody who's Facebook friends with her will know if she's doing okay. The PPK loves you, Rowan!

When dealing with depression, I guess you can't always trust your mind, and your own judgement, which can be crazy.

When someone tells me the way that they're feeling, and how stupid they feel for feeling that way, and how much they're judging themselves and think they're not worth their own time.. I just think it helps to turn the situation around.

Imagine if one of your friends was the one saying this to you, instead of you saying it. Imagine the advice, and the things you would say to your friend. You wouldn't be so harsh! You'd give them a break, tell them that things aren't as bad as they feel and seem, and that they're worth far more than they realise right now.

Sorry if that's too simplistic, but I find it helps me when I'm having a self-hate day.

The physical aspect of grieving is really, really hard. Sometimes I don't know what my body needs. That's all I have to say right now.

It certainly is. Hang in there.
When I went through my tough time of grieving I made a real effort to treat myself like another person, at the advice of a friend. She told me to treat my body as if it were a fragile old lady. Gently, gently, with love. It's a hard time to take the interest in making yourself a pretty cup of coffee or smelling a flower, but to try to do it anyway. To sit down and rest for a minute if you need to. And to talk to yourself- i can do this, i just need to rest for a minute. i can cry, but i will cry in the car, not in my office. i will get through just this minute, and not think about anything just for a second.
I don't know if it made things any better or not, but i imagine it can't have made it worse. It was really important for me to have people to talk to. My family had access to hospice counselors, who really made a difference, and I had a social worker who was a real lifesaver for me. I hope you have people you can talk to. And don't beat yourself up about how long grieving takes... in some ways it never really goes away, you change in how you respond to it.

Thinking about joining this thread. I've never felt I could say I have 'depression', like it takes away meaning for people who 'really have it'. It's hard though, because I feel like I'm so often in a funk, that I wonder what the heck is the point of being human? I never think about death or hurting myself or anything, so I'm not worried about myself in that manner. Just I feel so defeated for no reason, so often. Life's (on paper) looking pretty great for me lately, I have everything I said I needed to be happy two-three years ago. I'm 'treating' myself to things I like, but yet, when I'm alone... I feel so annoyed at... Nothing? The air? Myself. I feel it's odd though, I've mentioned this to doctors (gp's) and they've asked (and so has my mom) "do you feel like you're not worth it?", expecting me to answer 'no', because I guess that's what you're supposed to think if you're depressed, but I definitely feel worth 'it'. It, in my head meaning, life, happiness, etc. I mean that's part of the reason why I want to be happy, because I feel like I deserve/am worth it. When I said yes though the general reaction has been "well that's great!". It doesn't help my 'what is the reason for these feelings' thing that, quite often, I feel really happy... But it's never when I'm alone. It's only ever when I'm in the company of people I love, like, or even just trust (for example, even just being at the doctors office makes me happy, so that's another reason I feel it's hard to pinpoint).

Anyways, thanks for reading this even though ts very repetitive and I'm sure it's all been said a million times.

Meh. The last straw just broke and I've been doing nothing but taking pills to sleep, and being a jerk to all of my friends so they'll leave me along to wallow in self pity. I don't want to be awake. I won't see my therapist until next Thursday. Give me virtual hugs or something.

*hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs*

Maybe everything you *thought* you needed, isn't actually what you need/want? A lot can change in 2-3 years. Have you thought about talking to someone? Especially if it's something that's really bugging you, it might be worth a try. Sometimes getting a professional's opinion or perspective can explain things we can't see ourselves.