Post Punk Kitchen Forum

+1, I do hate that.

I've had a really crappy long weekend. Haven't heard a peep out of any friends apart from one cancelling on me for yesterday afternoon because he was hungover, and it seems like it's been raining a lot. I'm a real whiny crybaby today, but the rainy weather affects my hip and it hurts to bend over so I can't even effectively tidy my house, which I really should be doing, because my house is horrible and messy and dirty which means I can't invite anyone over.

I've put out a thing on facebook asking if anyone wants to go to the cinema as a last ditch attempt to do at least one fun thing. I can't even bake for comfort because the scales say I've put on a few pounds when I should be losing them if I'm going to be operated on.

Going to counselling tomorrow but I really don't look forward to the sessions, I think I'm going to knock it on the head, as it seems like other people might benefit more than me and there's a huge waiting list for the place (it took me nearly 6 months to be seen).

Fah!

((((HUGS)))) ((BIG HUGS)) to dropscone!! We're here!!

Hey you can always amuse yourself by cruising the treads- new and old- and leaving a bunch of insightful(or random) comments. We are here for you. Someone will respond! Peri needs help with a crazy neighbor- I sure you can imagine something! 8)

Hugs to my compassionate friend!

Thanks Reggie, you're sweet.

The film idea was no good after all (I looked it up on imdb and it looked pretty bad, which may be why nobody responded), but at least I have now been outside the house, in the rain, to buy potatoes, which I suppose is vaguely useful.

I am going to risk saying here, you've waited a long time, and if there is any chance that you have any room for improvement, or you even have a shadow of a need/desire for services, there is no reason why you deserve it less than they do.

I don't know for definite, but I think it's doing more harm than good, because I like structure and it makes me anxious to think I've got an hour with someone to fill and so I have to think about what I might find it useful to talk about, so I'm thinking a lot about all the negative things in my life. I don't think I "get" how counselling is supposed to work. It doesn't seem like it's going to make me feel any better to go into the intricacies of the terrible things that have happened. There's a reason my brain usually thinks about them for a little bit and then shies away, surely?

Dropscone, I wouldn't expect for you to talk for an entire hour. I'd expect it to be interactive, possibly with some suggestions but I don't think you are going to be laying on a couch talking about your mother or childhood for an hour. Just go with it.

For me... My husband blew up at me last night and said I don't care about anything anymore. Apparently some vegetables had gone bad in the fridge. I often buy things with hopes of making something but with the lack of desire to cook, it doesn't seem to happen. I've been trying to clean stuff out of the fridge that is bad but I guess I missed something and my husband got upset. He is the type that gets momentarily angry then forgets about it. As for me, I felt crappy for hours.

dont cancel if theres a waiting list!! I've only done a few sessions and feel the same after, what was the point. But I've just changed my mind. Just talking seems to help, to say out loud whats going on in my head good and bad and it kind of takes a direction that I follow up on in the week (I couldn't sleep last night so wrote in my new diary and turns out I'm pretty angry with my parents about allot of stuff that I had forgotten...) If it wasn't for the sessions I think that stuff may have stayed buried and continue eating away inside making me depressed. Its so upsetting though, i've been exhausted all day and nearly burst into tears in a shopping centre. Its hard, I don't like facing this stuff but its also a relief... its progress! - if that makes sense.

I was told counselling and depression is like being in a dark forest, your going to have to walk though it some more to come out of it. And its going to be tough, and scary and some of it painful. If your shying away from things, then maybe there things you need to face, maybe shying away is a defence mechanism because facing stuff is going to be painful but is part of mending yourself. Don't give up!

maybe tell your counsellor what you wrote above as a start instead of thinking of things to say and see where that leads you, hope it works :)

it's their job usually to pull the words out of you!!!! you shouldn't have to worry about how to fill the hour.
I think it's best to be honest and say exactly what you just said. They're the professionals, that should give them an idea about how to best proceed. After all, if you're going to bag it because you feel the onus is on you to decide how your own treatment sessions should be carried out, you're not meeting your goals, and that's a damn shame.

Well, I've told her what my goals are, but she seems to have her own methods of working which are very specific to the fact that it's a centre for people dealing with bereavement related to children, and dealing with that mostly by talking about events surrounding the death (or so it seems to me).

I have already talked through what happened with friends, soon after it happened, and the reason I don't want to discuss it any more is that I don't want to actually repeat the pattern of being distressed about the events of last year in my brain and actually fix it so I keep getting unwanted thoughts (and I have told this to my counsellor already, but I don't think she understood what I was trying to say). I don't think it is wrong to want to try to get on with my life without rehashing events, and I was hoping for some tools on how to safely deal with unwanted thoughts, but apparently that's an unreasonable thing to as a counsellor to help with, she seems to just want me to bare my soul to her, and I'm not comfortable with that and I don't believe it is helpful at this point in my life.

AH. That changes things.
You so clear about what you need, it's so disappointing that the therapist would be so inflexible/unhelpful.
If it were me I'd go in and say "you know, i don't think this kind of format is what I'm looking for, and today will be my last session, if you could just kindly tell me how to deal with XXX as our last session, I'd really appreciate it." I would feel like maybe she should know that she really isn't helping everyone. But that's just me.
Is there an option to change counselors, if it's a center?

eTA: rereading your second post it just makes me so angry to think that you should, after the passage of time, be expected to just go and lay your soul bare when you asked for something else. I've had 5 years since my own loss and done plenty of soul-wrenching therapy, and even now there are still times when i just need to edge away, it is still too raw. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to lay it all out on the table again. Hang in there.

To be fair to her, she has tried to accommodate me to a certain extent in that she's given me a meditation CD which has been a little bit helpful, and said that if I wasn't comfortable talking she was okay to go through a meditation with me in the session, but I felt she was edging towards her preferred methods.

I'm pretty sure I could request a swap if I wanted to, although I'd probably have to go back on the waiting list. I'm a little worried about how my forthcoming hip replacement surgery is going to be affected by my last medical experience (seeing as I found being in the dentist chair a bit more of a chore than normal since then), so I'll see if she has any suggestions on how to cope with that before I make any decisions.

I am so sorry dropscone. I see your point that her strategy isn't helping you, and I can understand not wanting to retraumatize yourself every week by reliving a painful time, that you have already dealt with at the time as best you could because there was no support available to you.

If you can, list what you would want to work on in therapy, and what strategies and skills you need and then ask if there is someone at the center who could give you a more focused behavioral therapy approach (for example for the unwanted thoughts) rather than unstructured talk therapy. You could even ask if there is an online board that might be a useful tool for you, if you don't already have one that you like.

I think its really great that you know so clearly what works for you and what doesn't, and I hope you find some support to help you heal. <3

Thanks torque, and I'm sorry for your loss.

Dropscone, I really don't have any productive to add, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you, and I really wish you all the best.
One thing I love about my therapist is that with her it's ok to have some topics that are off-limits. I've never had to play that card, but it was one of the first things she told me. Opening up to someone about certain things can be traumatizing in itself, and reliving those times are sometimes not going to help at all. I really hope you can find yourself an understanding and helpful counselor, dropscone.

Big hugs, dropscone.

Today's session was actually quite helpful, I was able to talk through a lot of the anxiety I've been feeling since I got the date for my operation, and as I'm on holiday and then she's on holiday in various of the next few weeks I'm not going to have another session with her for 6 more weeks anyway, so that'll be useful to see how I feel about that.

Awesome!! Glad to hear you got something useful out of it.

If you've told her what you need that does change things, its not good if you feel directed to her methods and they don't suit :( but glad your last session was helpful!

Can I resurrect the Lexapro question? Because I think this might be relevant to those of us on it...

I've been on 10 mg Lexapro for 8 years, but was switched over to the generic brand (escitalopram, manufactured by Teva USA) about 6 weeks ago. I've been feeling kind of off for a couple of weeks - getting progressively more anxious, angry, frustrated, losing concentration and focus at work - and finally had a huge (for me) melt down last night that had me on the phone to my ex for half an hour (unheard of these days) and just wanting to be done with everything. Buckets of snot and tears. [This week I also felt horny for the first time in - well - 8 years! And had the best sex EVER with a nice man that I met at the laundromat (who has still not called, so he's not that nice)]

So my ex called to check on me tonight and asked if I was still taking my meds, because he hadn't seen me like this for - you guessed it - 8 years. I was actually in a low grade panic attack when he called, shaky, sick, pins and needles, the works. Then it clicked.

The generic has not been working for me.

I did some research and found a bunch of forums whose members described exactly what I've been experiencing with the generic version. They went to their doctor and were switched back to the Lexapro brand and got back on track within a few weeks.

So, despite the fact that I can actually afford the generic, I'm going to try and get back on the lexapro. I can't live like this, it's miserable and scary. Even though I've rediscovered sex and actually really like it :(

Also,

((((((((BIGHUG)))))))) to everyone here.

Wallace, it's totally possible to react badly to a generic version of a medication or vice versa. I had the same experience with some BC a few years back. I thought I was losing my mind and the only thing I could think of that had changed was I switched to the generic version of my BC pills. I switched back to the brand name, despite how expensive it was, and things were fine. I'm on the generic version of lexapro, but I seem to be okay despite the headaches (I'm in my second week). This stuff is really trial and error and depends on the person, so if it's not working for you speak to your doctor and try to get on the brand name version. I hate that it costs more, though. :(

How is everyone doing?

I've been taking the full dose of lexapro this week and am definitely noticing a difference - a positive one. My partner is noticing as well. It's still early in the process to call this one "the one" for me, but I'm feeling good about it. The headaches have subsided and I'm sleeping through the night most nights. The downside is that I sleep hard and it's hard for me to wake up, but I think it's better than the alternative.

Yesterday I cooked a ton of food for the first time in six months. I had given up on a lot of the things I enjoyed (as you do in a depression), and one of those big ones was cooking. I spent the entire afternoon in the kitchen and enjoyed the hell out of it. I also went for a walk in the sun yesterday morning and today. Prior to taking this new medication, my weekends were basically a pathetic bridge to another week. I did nothing, ate mindlessly, rarely cooked or showered, but this weekend was different which makes me think the medication is starting to make a change.

However, my energy level is still weird. Yesterday was awesome and I felt good about it, but today was the complete opposite. I was almost hungover from all the work I did yesterday. I think this is going to be a problem going forward. Having energy and the will to "do stuff" is so rare right now that when it does happen I dive into it head first and try to milk it for everything I can because I worry about when it's ever going to come back again. I think that wears me out for subsequent days. I don't know. Everything is new and changing and I'm trying to go with it and be positive, but it bums me out because today was going to be my "work" day where I work on my grad school stuff and grade papers. Instead I could barely do the minimum. I'm planning some meals for the short school week we have this week and am hoping that makes me feel "good" about today - that it wasn't a waste.

A bit unrelated, but does anyone listen to the Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin? It may or may not be good for some people here. He interviews guests, mostly comedians, about their battles/fears/mental illness/other stuff in a casual and funny but comforting way. I find it comforting because it reminds me that other people deal with these battles and can understand them - that I'm not alone in this weirdness. Just thought I would recommend it if you're interested in listening to a funny podcast about many of the issues we deal with in depression.

Pickledtreats - depression does seem to be exhausting, I think you did excellently to spend a full afternoon cooking after so long off. It can feel frustrating to not be able to do things at the previous level of energy, but you wouldn't expect to be up to full strength if you'd had, say, a broken leg you were recovering from. I've just been reading 'Sunbathing in the Rain' and while bits of it annoyed me I did find her insistence that it's okay to take time out to not actually do anything apart from recover was very helpful.

Will check out that podcast.