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Haha, no I haven't. I should do that!

Just. Urgh. Can't even put it into words what I am feeling right now.

I was feeling really, really shitty this last week. I had a long talk with my team leader and one of the HR girls, and decided to take a week off starting next Monday, even though I can't really afford it. I do have some vacation time, but I was hoping to save it for an actual vacation. My mental health is worth more than a paycheck.

I did have two days off in a row this week, which never happens. It's helped, though. I've been taking some anti-stress supplements when I feel anxiety coming on and some St. John's Wort to combat the extra-depressive days. After my mini-break, I've felt way better the last two days at work and haven't taken anything. I think I've been having summer SAD, so the recent 20ish drop in temperature has made a difference. We turned off the air conditioning and opened the windows the last few days. I also indulged in a little retail therapy on Thursday. Usually going downtown makes me crazy, but I actually enjoyed it. And I have to give some credit to the Alaskans. Having them here forced me to get out of the house and be social, and though I might have been quieter and more reserved than normal, having them here made a huge difference too.

Now, if Fred and I could just coordinate our schedules a little bit so we can spend some time together, I'd feel even better. Both of us being so busy and hardly spending any time together has taken a toll on me more than I'd care to admit.

Every time I make a step forward, I end up falling back into this whole anxiety/depression cycle. I just want to fully feel like myself again.

*hugs Kara*

I'm on long term medication. What sucks is that it isn't even a chemical imbalance that is causing my depression it is a really bad life situation. I survived growing up in a house of abuse to be a well rounded happy content individual to have it all stripped from me by one psychotic crasshole who stalked the crepe out of me then ruined my career.

I wish I hadn't bought my house so I could run away and live in another country and leave all this misery behind.

Apparently mental illness isn't a good enough reason to be off work sick so they won't pay me.

Ugh, I am really struggling today. My job is horribly stressful and getting worse every day. I do have a plan to leave the job, but for the moment I need my prescription coverage. Today is just one of those days when everything is overwhelming, and I feel like I've squandered all my chances to accomplish anything in life. Which I know from a logical standpoint is not true... I just feel like a terrible disappointment.

Keep focused on your plan vintage. I'm trapped in mine but I'm thinking my boss is trying to force me out.

Medication increase seems to be kicking in. Now begins my fear that I will go "high." I am seriously petrified of my mood batting for the other team rather than my normal miserable depressed team. Seriously don't want to be either way. What I would give to be mentally boring again.

Things have been getting better. I still get overwhelmed, mostly by what life will be like in the future, which is really irrelevant right now. Reader's Digest version: I'm letting my spouse have full custody of the kids once we are divorced because of my mental health issues and some other stuff. I worry about paying out the nose for child support and not having enough money to survive. I also worry about what other people will think about me by doing something so non-traditional in a divorce.

I start my new job on Monday. I got out of mental health work and will work in a factory assembling cell phone and plasma tv parts. For the first time, I'm truly excited about having a job that doesn't involve helping someone. I need the mindless work.

Screwed up a refill and I'm going through zoloft withdrawals. Last night sleep was comprised of intermittent restless dreaming and huddling in bed with chills. I really hope the pharmacy can get my prescription filled today.

Oh crepe. I hope you are alright. I came off venlafaxine slowly but the last few dose changes were horrible so I can empathise with you on it. Just stick it out in bed, drink plenty of fluids, eat little and often. Take a few painkillers if you have any.

My increase in meds from last Monday seem to be kicking in. I've found myself laughing every so often and I'm not as anxious. I hate being dependent on medication to feel normal. Especially when it has caused me to gain 4lbs in the past week. The sugar cravings are horrific.

Daisychain, sucks about your work not counting mental illness as illness! Is there anyone you can appeal to? It seems like a very unenlightened attitude for the modern age. Glad to hear about the laughter though, as I understand it it's pretty helpful to have periods of non-misery, brain-connection wise (as you can see, my brain-connections aren't working too well at the moment, otherwise I wouldn't be this inarticulate! I hope you can see what I mean though).

Jewbacca, I hope your new job helps, and that you meet some cool people there! I've usually met pretty interesting people at jobs like that.

Hugs and good thoughts to everyone in this thread.

To really, really make it shocking...... I work in the mental health services.

And lol at the brain -connections. Mine suck big time lately. Last week I was a walking disaster. I was actually safer curled up in a ball on the sofa. But in the broken brain connection way I completely get what you are saying.

med w/d are the worst. i'd get what i call brain zaps if i missed a dose of wellbutrin.

things are going well. meds are stable. did have some roaming thoughts today that weren't healthy, but i recognize that when i think of sadness and that leads to suicidal thinking, that what i just really want is a break. have any of you had that feeling too? like just needing a time out? my new job really is helping with the stress. i dink around with cell phones all day and listen to music. it is the first job i've had where i don't need to take care of someone which i find absolutely refreshing.

Hey guys. Today is my 20th birthday. I woke up crying, for no reason.

Actually, I have bad depression with mood imbalances, so I guess that's the reason.
Today was pretty terrible, and I don't want to be awake and in my mind, but the sooner I go to sleep, the sooner I have to wake up and face tomorrow; I'm sure many of you understand this terrible feeling.

I have some friends, even though I've been really isolated and disconnected the past few years, but other than my two very best friends, nobody wished me happy birthday. Not even on Facebook; I know it's dumb and I don't even care about Facebook, but that's like the most basic, least-effort-requiring way to acknowledge somebody you even vaguely know. Also, the boy I've been in love with forever - even though he's totally aloof when it comes to remembering even close friends' birthdays and remembering to call people back - didn't call or text.
If someone could wish me happy birthday, that would be amazing.
That's all.

Happy birthday, Senorita!!!

**hugs**

Happy birthday Seniorita Pigeon! Are you sure your birthday is listed on your profile?? That is weird. Whatever - I'm sending fuzzy birthday wishes even if they don't.

I hate the way that I can go through these long stretches where I feel like "I have defeated depression! My moods largely make sense! I am now a stable person! Everything is okay forever!" and then WHAM the depression slams down on me again, as bad and as crippling as it's ever been. Like it never left. I don't know which half of my life is the dream and which half is the waking... But right now I am so mired in the everything is unmanageable/nothing will ever get better/it hurts to be anything/i am so bad at everything/why should I bathe/why should I eat/why should I why should I why...

Happy birthday Senorita!

fork it. And fork them. That is all I can say. Got the usual "you need to get over it" lines today. Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaad me for having an illness.

Happy Birthday, Senorita Pigeon! If you want to, you could pm me your fb profile and friend me, and I'll wish you happy birthday on there too! People (me included) sometimes don't look at the birthdays bit at the side, but will notice other friends wishing my friend a happy day.

ETA: although maybe it was yesterday now? Stupid timezones! :D

Hope today started out better for you, Senorita PIgeon.

My due date is getting closer and I'm getting more and more nervous about developing PPD. My depression has been managed with medication while I'm pregnant, and has mostly been okay, but I know my risk of problems after the fact are higher and I'm really worried about it.

Went back to my new pdoc, who is actually very kind and lovely. He asked me what I wanted to do about my meds, and I promptly burst into tears out of nowhere. So that was awkward. Tapering down Lamictal now, going back on lithium in the hopes that it works as well as it did the last time. I forgot about all the shitty side effects, though.

@ terri_to - I think it's good that you are aware and watchful for symptoms of PPD--have you talked to your doctor about your worries? I've had friends whose doctors referred them to support groups for new moms struggling with depression, and they found it really helpful to know that they weren't alone.

Guys, I don't know what to do. I'm plain not able to work. I'm bad enough that I can barely even figure out how to get dressed. But work are giving me a really hard time about being off sick and are disciplining me over sick leave as it is.

I'm really sorry you are having such a hard time. Have you been to your doctor? If he signs you off, then do your work not have to accept that (even if they only give you statutory sick pay)?

ETA - I'm remembering right and you are in the UK/Ireland, not the US?

So sorry daisy. I wish there was something I could do to help.

I can never really decide if I have depression or what. I always identify so much with a lot you all say in here, but for me it seems less constant, it feels like every 15 minutes I'm shifting up and down like crazy. I can experience much happiness and motivation one hour, and just crash and burn the next. I set up an appointment with my old therapist again, for next Tuesday. Maybe there's some weird hormonal reason? Ugh!

Thanks guys. Yes I'm in Ireland. My doctor didn't want me to go back into work this week but he let me back because I was getting so much pressure. I'm lucky because my GP believes me when I tell him all the crepe I am getting.

Mars.... I don't even technically have depression. I just have an incredibly bad work situation that is literally driving me insane. More than likely from the stress I am going to eventually end up with depression or bipolar. The brain just isn't made to function in abnormal stress for years at a time.