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 Post subject: sexsomnia
PostPosted: Sun Jan 01, 2012 9:35 pm 
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Not sure if this is the best place for this, but I was wondering if anyone had experience or any insight into sexsomnia? It seems to be relatively rare according to various google sources. Couldn't find much on diagnosis or treatments either.

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 Post subject: Re: sexsomnia
PostPosted: Mon Jan 02, 2012 10:36 am 
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Drunk Dialed Ian MacKaye
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there is a name for this?! i totally have sex while i'm asleep. I've only had sleep sex with people I have sex with when awake, though.. but I have had a few awkward moments with exes because of it. I usually wake up after a few minutes, though!


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 Post subject: Re: sexsomnia
PostPosted: Mon Jan 02, 2012 4:13 pm 
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I've had issues with this with my partner. Not so much anymore now though since he takes a medication for depression which also is a sleeping aide.


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 Post subject: Re: sexsomnia
PostPosted: Tue Jan 03, 2012 2:09 pm 
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Yah, this was the first time it's ever happened with him (didn't question him to much on it). He didn't wake up or remember anything... since he initiated etc I had assumed he was awake.

He used to sleep walk etc, only sleeps 4-6 hours a night but has been working days/night and is exhausted all the time. Either way, with my background in working at a Sexual Assault Centre I'm feeling kinda conflicted about the whole thing. He seemed fine and ok with it, but it's kinda hard for me to take in. Our schedules are so crazy and we're both so exhausted things have kinda slipped and this throws a wrench into some stuff (which maybe it shouldn't?).

Just feel really conflicted on the whole thing from a variety of perspectives.

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 Post subject: Re: sexsomnia
PostPosted: Tue Jan 03, 2012 2:41 pm 
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Yeah, I had a partner who would do this to me regularly. I'm a really light sleeper, so I'd always wake up in time to keep anything from happening. o.O

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 Post subject: Re: sexsomnia
PostPosted: Tue Jan 03, 2012 6:10 pm 
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B_A_D wrote:
Yah, this was the first time it's ever happened with him (didn't question him to much on it). He didn't wake up or remember anything... since he initiated etc I had assumed he was awake.

He used to sleep walk etc, only sleeps 4-6 hours a night but has been working days/night and is exhausted all the time. Either way, with my background in working at a Sexual Assault Centre I'm feeling kinda conflicted about the whole thing. He seemed fine and ok with it, but it's kinda hard for me to take in. Our schedules are so crazy and we're both so exhausted things have kinda slipped and this throws a wrench into some stuff (which maybe it shouldn't?).

Just feel really conflicted on the whole thing from a variety of perspectives.

B_A_D, talk to someone about it! I totally get where you're coming from with feeling conflicted about it and I bet talking to someone will help you get some clarity.

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 Post subject: Re: sexsomnia
PostPosted: Tue Jan 03, 2012 6:32 pm 
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what if you bore others into falling asleep during sex?

uhh, just asking

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 Post subject: Re: sexsomnia
PostPosted: Tue Jan 03, 2012 7:38 pm 
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Adam Crisis wrote:
what if you bore others into falling asleep during sex?

uhh, just asking


Your partner has narcosexelpsy.

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 Post subject: Re: sexsomnia
PostPosted: Tue Jan 03, 2012 7:43 pm 
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i've thought about this quite a bit, and it's only ever happened when me and my partner has been naked. were you naked? maybe wearing underwear while you sleep will prevent this from happening? just a thought.. it totally makes sense why don't feel super awesome about it and doesn't want it to happen again!


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 Post subject: Re: sexsomnia
PostPosted: Tue Jan 03, 2012 8:09 pm 
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I have experience with this and I don't think it has to be a bad thing. I was reading the online definitions and they seem a bit extreme, to me anyway. Next time it happens, if it happens, try to wake your partner up and don't reciprocate. Or in a soothing voice try to tell him to go back to sleep.

Getting some advice on how to deal with sleepwalkers could help too, since it seems linked.

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 Post subject: Re: sexsomnia
PostPosted: Wed Jan 04, 2012 2:08 pm 
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Well most of my not-so-awesomeness comes from issues surrounding consent and the muddy area wherein despite initiating it, he wasn't actually consenting to participate. In fact, he didn't even know if was happening.... which makes me feel uncomfortably rape-y.


ETA: Surprisingly we were not naked, although we usually are.

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 Post subject: Re: sexsomnia
PostPosted: Wed Jan 04, 2012 2:28 pm 
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You mean you feel like you are raping him because he is unaware of what is going on? And I use the term rape very lightly here, because I don't think you and he are anywhere near the realm of rape.

But I understand.

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 Post subject: Re: sexsomnia
PostPosted: Wed Jan 04, 2012 2:45 pm 
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I used to occasionally wake up to find I was doin' it. It was kind of nice. I don't think that's quite the same thing though.

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 Post subject: Re: sexsomnia
PostPosted: Wed Jan 04, 2012 8:46 pm 
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GraciaKai wrote:
You mean you feel like you are raping him because he is unaware of what is going on? And I use the term rape very lightly here, because I don't think you and he are anywhere near the realm of rape.

But I understand.

Right, it's obviously different. But a bit too close to the line for my comfort, I mean he was ok with it this time... but there is no way for me to know if he's ok with it or not. I'm worried that some night it won't be ok, or maybe I won't want to and so on and so forth.

Maybe I'm just over thinking it.

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 Post subject: Re: sexsomnia
PostPosted: Wed Jan 04, 2012 10:38 pm 
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I think you are overthinking it.

I'm assuming here that you're talking to him about it when he's awake and that he's not bothered by it. I think that if you are talking, and you make it clear that he can set up whatever boundaries about it that he likes, and that you will respect whatever those boundaries are, that is pretty much all you can do. If he's not bothered, then I don't think there's reason for you to be bothered for him, you know?

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 Post subject: Re: sexsomnia
PostPosted: Thu Jan 05, 2012 9:43 am 
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That's true. I guess I'm just hung up on the sleeping factor. Both the ego-crushing side and the uncomfortable consent areas.

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 Post subject: Re: sexsomnia
PostPosted: Thu Jan 05, 2012 11:38 am 
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I get that. I just think that with regards to consent issues, you can only do what your can do. It's not like you can invent some consent-getting machine that will check for consent while he's doing stuff in his sleep, right? You've done what it's possible to do in your situation, and I don't see that worrying about theoretical consent issues will do any real good in the situation, particularly since (it appears) the person whose consent you're worried about doesn't seem to have any issues about it.

That said, if these worries are keeping you up at night, why not just not have sex with him when he's asleep? Is it that you're not sure whether he's sleeping or not?

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 Post subject: Re: sexsomnia
PostPosted: Thu Jan 05, 2012 1:03 pm 
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Well it's only ever happened the one time, and I didn't realize he was asleep (another level of awkwardness).

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 Post subject: Re: sexsomnia
PostPosted: Thu Jan 05, 2012 2:39 pm 
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There's no way you could have known he was asleep. Don't hold yourself to an impossible standard.


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 Post subject: Re: sexsomnia
PostPosted: Thu Jan 05, 2012 3:10 pm 
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I understand where you're coming from with wanting consent to be the number one, most important thing in sex. And I think it is too. But inside a relationship is just so different that I'd be making myself miserable always wondering if I was being sexually harrassed by my partner or sexually harrassing them if I thought of it as black and white. Look at the context. Even if he were fully awake when he initiated sex with you while you were asleep, he didn't wait for your consent to touch you. And while that might be a thing youre totally not cool with, don't make it that if it's not.

In context - my hypothetical boyfriend that I've been having consensual sex with wakes me up by fondling me - good morning to me. A stranger I've never met before wakes me up fondling me - scream time.

And yeah, I think it's within everyone's rights to state what they're comfortable with - if I never wanted to be fondled in my sleep by a partner and then they did it, yeah that's violating me and my consent. If your dude were pissed at you for going through with it, that's be an issue to work out for you. If he's not pissed and you're just upset you were forking someone who was sleep forking - totally understandable but no reason at all to feel like you were in the wrong. In the future if he wakes up and you're not sure if he's totally awake, ask him some questions. I've dated a sleep-walk n talker. They can't answer questions very well like "what's my mom's name?" or "what color are my eyes?"

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 Post subject: Re: sexsomnia
PostPosted: Thu Jan 05, 2012 3:32 pm 
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Yah... I figured it was a weird head space thing. Leave it to the ppk to be the voice of reason.

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 Post subject: Re: sexsomnia
PostPosted: Tue Jul 10, 2012 3:27 am 
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I understand this is an old post, but I've been going though a similar situation. From what I've been reading up on this sexomnia disorder, it doesn't really matter what warm body is close when they have this experience (scary since we have kids & so glad they've quit coming to our room in the middle of the night since this has all started). Also, the incidences can get more and more intense & violent. This started out as fondling in my case. It has since progressed to him ripping my clothes off (yes, started wearing pj's to bed again), & me having to kick, & fight him off. I've since started sleeping in a different room. I completely get the "rape-ey" feeling. Just be honest with him & let him know if the situation gets any worse (mentally or physically).


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