Worst sex tips ever

solipsistnation · **Posted:** Tue Jun 26, 2012 1:15 pm

bodhi wrote:

Ugh, I keep imagining someone whipping out a tablespoon and stirring saliva and water in a little bowl. Blech. Did they really think they needed to include measurements?

Sure. You wouldn't want to mix up too much, after all. And make sure you keep your Sex Whisk handy for perfect mixing.

GraciaKai · **Posted:** Tue Jun 26, 2012 1:20 pm

I really shouldn't be reading this at work. But you know I totally just emailed it to a co-worker!

solipsistnation · **Posted:** Tue Jun 26, 2012 1:54 pm

Me too, with tons of warnings and a promise not to sue me.

Desdemona · **Posted:** Tue Jun 26, 2012 2:12 pm

I am never going to stop laughing at this.

CrazyMcDesperatepants wrote:

5. "Alternate between swiveling both wrists in opposite directions and stroking your hands upward, twisting your wrists when you reach his head as though you are turning a doorknob. Rub your thumb in a tiny figure-eight pattern over his frenelum... Or try the windshield-wiper move; glide your thumb from side to side along the rim where his head begins, then move your thumb up and over the top of the head several times."

If, at any point during this oddly elaborate ritual, he looks confused, toss him a heated stare and say, 'I crave you' — you know, to clear things up.

Adam Crisis · **Posted:** Tue Jun 26, 2012 2:49 pm

solipsistnation wrote:

Also:

Quote:

4."Firmly hold the bottom of his shaft in one hand and slowly push it towards the base. (Imagine you're pushing his penis into his body)."

No, don't, please. It doesn't go back in.

actually I like that...not pushing my peener back inside my body but the pressure at the base of my whole fun region

Adam Crisis · **Posted:** Tue Jun 26, 2012 2:53 pm

also number 5 with the hashbrowns is actually pretty spot on. I used to poo poo HJs with the "I can do that myself" motto, but then I met a lady who had a great technique and it sorta changed my mind on the subject

Adam Crisis · **Posted:** Tue Jun 26, 2012 2:56 pm

but yeah, most of that list is severely idiotic

fauxfrancais · **Posted:** Tue Jun 26, 2012 4:43 pm

cannot stop laughing. peanut butter? and uhhh

Quote:

5. "Alternate between swiveling both wrists in opposite directions and stroking your hands upward, twisting your wrists when you reach his head as though you are turning a doorknob. Rub your thumb in a tiny figure-eight pattern over his frenelum... Or try the windshield-wiper move; glide your thumb from side to side along the rim where his head begins, then move your thumb up and over the top of the head several times."

If, at any point during this oddly elaborate ritual, he looks confused, toss him a heated stare and say, 'I crave you' — you know, to clear things up.

all i can think of is churning butter on my porch. "i like you. do you mind if i make butter with your junk?"

Tzippy · **Posted:** Tue Jun 26, 2012 5:59 pm

Mars wrote:

Oh my gosh:

Quote:

35. "As you're eating dinner together, say something X-rated like, 'See how I'm devouring this piece of meat? That's how I'm going to devour you.'"

Cannibalism is NOT OKAY, Cosmo!

I keep picturing saying "OM NOM NOM NOM" in the middle of sex. It is cracking me up.

Chicki · **Joined:** Thu Nov 11, 2010 10:53 pm **Posts:** 1721

I love beer. really i do. but that beer facial? I just barfed in my mouth a little.

Also, i doubt my man wants a facial. To most guys 'facial' means something similar too, but not quite, egg whites on the face.

crowderpea · **Posted:** Thu Jun 28, 2012 12:04 am

I love bad Cosmo sex tips. They inspire me to come up with my own. "Tie a scrunchie around his member, then gently pluck it like a banjo." "To really get him moaning, make a face like you just ate a sexy lemon as you firmly massage his tackle box with a spatula."

I also love Cosmo in general. It consists almost entirely of clip art and stock photos, with the obligatory celebrity in a neon spandex "dress."

Someone should count how many euphemisms for genitalia are used in the average issue.

Tofulish · **Posted:** Thu Jun 28, 2012 12:09 am

The worst sex tips ever start with the words "surprise". Its always good to ask first.

crowderpea · **Posted:** Thu Jun 28, 2012 12:23 am

Surprise your man with a jumping jacks and a potato masher!

Tofulish · **Posted:** Thu Jun 28, 2012 12:27 am

OMNOMNOMNOMNOM!

Adam Crisis · **Posted:** Thu Jun 28, 2012 12:29 am

I like to surprise myself with farts!

crowderpea · **Posted:** Thu Jun 28, 2012 12:35 am

Surprise him by sprinkling grill seasoning in his boxers before he goes to work. If he asks any questions, tell him you want his meat to be ready when he gets home.

solipsistnation · **Posted:** Thu Jun 28, 2012 1:15 am

I hear the best thing EVER is to poke a balloon up inside a lady's parts and inflate it until it bursts inside her. INSTANT ORGASM WHOOOO.

(Hint: Even assuming you COULD do this, don't.)

Adam Crisis · **Posted:** Thu Jun 28, 2012 1:21 am

what if it was one of those circus clown baloons? Theyre sorts peener shaped

choirqueer · **Posted:** Thu Jun 28, 2012 2:11 am

Adam Crisis wrote:

what if it was one of those circus clown baloons? Theyre sorts peener shaped

Yeah, bonus points if you can shape it into a kangaroo while you're up there.

Abelskiver · **Joined:** Thu Oct 21, 2010 5:03 pm **Posts:** 839

I really want an Adam Crisis 69 Best Sex Tips List.

booberthefraggle · **Posted:** Thu Jun 28, 2012 2:54 am

choirqueer wrote:

Adam Crisis wrote:

what if it was one of those circus clown baloons? Theyre sorts peener shaped

Yeah, bonus points if you can shape it into a kangaroo while you're up there.

ahahah shiitake, i spit my coffee on to my notebook CQ.

Mars · **Posted:** Thu Jun 28, 2012 2:59 am

crowderpea wrote:

Surprise him by sprinkling grill seasoning in his boxers before he goes to work. If he asks any questions, tell him you want his meat to be ready when he gets home.

Best to marinade it in tamari if you ask me.

Adam Crisis · **Posted:** Thu Jun 28, 2012 3:02 am

Abelskiver wrote:

I really want an Adam Crisis 69 Best Sex Tips List.

That's way too many, I might be able to come up with a top 5, that mostly apply to guys (me)

1. Don't custard before she does

2. Try not to sweat all over her when in missionary position

3. The random quirky thoughts that make you want to giggle should be suppressed

4. Don't call her "Mommy"

5. The creepier the dirty talk makes you feel the higher the chance the lunatic you're with will like it.

Paloma · **Joined:** Wed Jan 18, 2012 4:25 am **Posts:** 1027

Adam Crisis wrote:

what if it was one of those circus clown baloons? Theyre sorts peener shaped

Just wanted to share this one:

Tofulish · **Posted:** Thu Jun 28, 2012 10:20 pm

The 36 Most Ridiculous Sex Tips from Men's Health and Maxim Just in case you thought Cosmo had a monopoly on dumb advice, the lad mags are pretty idiotic too.

Quote:

30. "Remember that chores around the house count as foreplay... when you do them, that is."
Yes, because when she does them, it counts as a woman doing the work she's goddamn supposed to be doing.

Quote:

8. "She’s Dressed to Impress: can’t take your eyes off her nearly-see-through dress? Don’t — she’s scantily clad for a reason."
This precedes a lengthy summary of a study in Austria that involved taking saliva samples of ladies in nightclubs to determine that the sexier-dressed ones were hornier. The whole thing is creepy and makes me sad for my lady friends. So, I'm going to respond in a way I know will cheer them up.

Though they did get one thing right.

Quote:

27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."
A unexpected loss for Team Surprise Anal.

Honestly though, I wonder who the 19% are who enjoy surprise(d) buttsecks.

Post Punk Kitchen Forum

Worst sex tips ever

Who is online