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 Post subject: Re: Asperger's/NVLD/ASDs
PostPosted: Tue Oct 23, 2012 9:25 am 
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i have this grimace that i make when i am searching for more information from the person i am talking to (because they're being unclear, or i just don't understand) that apparently looks like i'm laughing at them. (got fired for that one.)

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 Post subject: Re: Asperger's/NVLD/ASDs
PostPosted: Tue Oct 23, 2012 9:43 am 
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Count our family in, too. My grandson was diagnosed as Asperger's a few years ago. At the time, my daughter sat me down and explained to me what that meant, how he acted, why he was that way, etc. She went on to say that she believes I exhibit many of the same characteristics.

These are mine (and his):
extreme difficulty is social situations
difficulty reading people
dislike being touched/controlled/manipulated
difficulty with verbal expression
later in life development of verbal expression (I was 28 years old before I had a handle on verbal expression - so was one of my sons)
hyper-fixation with a topic(or topics)
extremely precise about the definitions of words
global/integrated way of looking at things (everything is connected to everything)
sensory overload - taking in too much stimulation
melt downs associated with sensory overload
hyper-empathy without the ability to separate one's self, yet difficulty discerning how to respond

And add to my list the fact that I have never, ever, been able to hold down a job. I've been fired from every job I have ever had, and the reason is always the same - I expect people to have the same extremely high standards for honesty and integrity that I do. And I am a whistle-blower when they do not. Once they get sick of me reporting everything, they fire me.

And, also on my list, is the ability to intuitively understand things that I cannot explain verbally. I can knit without a pattern, cook without a recipe, I understand science - particularly biology - without ever having studied it. It just comes to me. When people ask, "how do you do that?" I shrug. I don't know. I just do.

This diagnosis explains so much about myself and my grandson that I didn't understand. I was actually happy to know there was a word for what we are! And we both actually like the word Aspy. We're pretty proud Aspy's to say the least. And we also think it helps us understand other family members as well - my mother, one or more of my brothers, one of my sons, etc.

Because it was my daughter who first set about discovering these things, she decided to try the gluten-free/casein-free/soy-free/peanut-free dietary approach with my grandson and we saw remarkable results with it. (I now also follow the GF/CF/SF/PF diet - and I'm a vegan - so that's fun!) He is now so extremely high functioning that he's two years ahead in school - although still has occasional meltdowns when the other kids hyper-stim him. Brilliance is definitely associated with being Aspy!! I think it's that ability to hyper-focus. His teacher loves working with Aspy's, so he's in a great place. I'm not saying that the dietary approach "works" for everybody. For some, it may make no difference at all. But for two of us, it helps us focus and connect with people much better! It's just isolating in the sense that it's difficult to dine with others. Still, it has many more benefits than draw-backs, so we're doing this together. My grandson is the biggest fan of my cooking because he can eat everything I make! We have a bond over this.

And, in our family, we have a great love for other Aspy's and Autistic people because we "get it." (My grandson loves the show Monk, because he relates to the guy's OCD and Aspy tenancies. His mom, my daughter is OCD, and we wonder if that's not somehow in the spectrum, too.) We actually enjoy seeing the uniqueness-es of others who are wired like us.

To Vantine, who thought grandparents weren't supportive of dietary issues with Aspy/Autism kiddos - Not all. Not all grandparents fit that category. Some of us love being a part of the support team. I do. Maybe all you need to do is sit them down and explain it to them, like my daughter did for me. She was very determined to gain my support for her and for him in this. We were making sweeping changes and she needed someone on her side. And I was happy to be there for them both. They may be too, once they understand what's going on. Couldn't hurt to try, right?

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 Post subject: Re: Asperger's/NVLD/ASDs
PostPosted: Tue Oct 23, 2012 6:08 pm 
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For those struggling with job issues:
There's an excellent book called "Asperger's On The Job" by Rudy Simone.

It's intended for both employees and employers but can provide helpful career insight as well as specific ways to handle job issues related to Asperger's. (and if you're American, I think it includes what rights you have in the workplace)

http://www.amazon.com/Aspergers-Job-Mus ... 1935274090

Many Autism Society chapters also have books/resources targeted towards adults if you ask. (which they are much bigger than GRASP) Which I hate to sound patronizing but ASK if you could use the help! These are usually parents running the chapters and they see adults as their kids someday, or their kids might be adults too. They WANT to help. Even if it's just lending you a book out a private library they have. (I have a great relationship with my local chapter, and get treated as exactly what I am: A functional, mostly okay adult who needs help sometimes as well.) They're there no matter what your ability level is.

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 Post subject: Re: Asperger's/NVLD/ASDs
PostPosted: Tue Oct 23, 2012 7:19 pm 
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Well, he has not diagnosis; he has "tendencies" similar to people with AS. But feeding him his pretty hilarious if you are not expecting it. Things he will not eat include: pasta with any sauce, rice that is not plain and white, mac and cheese, vegetables that are not raw carrots, bread with anything on it that is not peanut butter, and versions of food that he has not tried before (e.g. chickn nuggets that are different). So there are about 5 dinners we will eat. The real issue is that they confuse a panic attack over being forced to eat food with a 'tantrum'.

My solution is to be hostile and create an atmosphere in which it is unwise to say something when he is around.

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 Post subject: Re: Asperger's/NVLD/ASDs
PostPosted: Tue Oct 23, 2012 7:50 pm 
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I also have the 'inappropriate' response to some situations, however I have come to believe that for me, it's an automatic coping mechanism as this only really happens in more emotionally charged/sad situations involving other people. If it's animal cruelty, or watching sponsorship ads for children in poverty on tv, I cry because it's overwhelmingly sad. Live music can make me cry, a friend's teenage daughter was playing a happy kids song on her violin for us and I found it very emotional, so did my son who looked like he was about to cry (although he acts like the music is really bad by hiding his face, covering his ears-- it's not a noise sensitivity thing for him anymore, but certainly emotional).

When I was little I used to scream at loud noises like the vacuum cleaner, sewing machine, lawn mower and I remember being older and crying over Christmas cracker popping. I still don't like certain sounds but I can deal with it. I don't dislike dogs but I'm on edge around them because the barking is too loud.


MoniDew, thanks for acknowledging the GF/CF/SF/PF diet may not work for everyone. You're pretty much one of the first people who has said that. To be honest, I am so sick of other parents/family telling me to put my kids on special diets simply because my kids are Aspie. Any 'problems' or behaviour issues my kids have are due to their personality and the fact they're just 4yo and 8yo kids! We did try elimination diet for my son when he was younger because he had eczema and it was much GF/CF/SF/PF and nothing changed. We homeschool and for my family, it has been the best thing ever and what has helped my kids learn coping mechanisms in their own time, in carefully selected environments like homeschool art class, playdates, meeting other ASD homeschooled kids and just doing things in their own time (I won't get in to it more as I know it's not for everyone).


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 Post subject: Re: Asperger's/NVLD/ASDs
PostPosted: Tue Oct 23, 2012 8:33 pm 
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TurningVioletViolet wrote:
I also have the 'inappropriate' response to some situations, however I have come to believe that for me, it's an automatic coping mechanism as this only really happens in more emotionally charged/sad situations involving other people. If it's animal cruelty, or watching sponsorship ads for children in poverty on tv, I cry because it's overwhelmingly sad. Live music can make me cry, a friend's teenage daughter was playing a happy kids song on her violin for us and I found it very emotional, so did my son who looked like he was about to cry (although he acts like the music is really bad by hiding his face, covering his ears-- it's not a noise sensitivity thing for him anymore, but certainly emotional).

When I was little I used to scream at loud noises like the vacuum cleaner, sewing machine, lawn mower and I remember being older and crying over Christmas cracker popping. I still don't like certain sounds but I can deal with it. I don't dislike dogs but I'm on edge around them because the barking is too loud.


MoniDew, thanks for acknowledging the GF/CF/SF/PF diet may not work for everyone. You're pretty much one of the first people who has said that. To be honest, I am so sick of other parents/family telling me to put my kids on special diets simply because my kids are Aspie. Any 'problems' or behaviour issues my kids have are due to their personality and the fact they're just 4yo and 8yo kids! We did try elimination diet for my son when he was younger because he had eczema and it was much GF/CF/SF/PF and nothing changed. We homeschool and for my family, it has been the best thing ever and what has helped my kids learn coping mechanisms in their own time, in carefully selected environments like homeschool art class, playdates, meeting other ASD homeschooled kids and just doing things in their own time (I won't get in to it more as I know it's not for everyone).


I don't follow any diet except vegan..honestly it's a huge improvement, I outgrow the 5 different food stage.

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 Post subject: Re: Asperger's/NVLD/ASDs
PostPosted: Wed Oct 24, 2012 2:36 am 
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I never really spent much time around Aspie people, that I knew of or seemed apparent anyhow, until recently. I have been making friends with the best friend of the guy I'm dating, and also recently spent more time with a certain sexy PPKer... And I find I thoroughly enjoy what being around Aspie types does to my own personality. There's this weird change that happens in me where I generally feel much more secure in decision-making and generally feeling ease that what I say isn't being judged. I almost always tend to be the type of person that would be considered more similar to an Aspergers person than not... But I don't think I am. Regardless, I've found it very interesting, because normally my fear of judgement drives me a bit batty, but at least in the two Aspie folks I know, I feel like I really see and feel that they are not judging me for the innocuous and subtle things that everyone else does.

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 Post subject: Re: Asperger's/NVLD/ASDs
PostPosted: Wed Oct 24, 2012 3:32 pm 
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lepelaar wrote:
Oof, that sounds like my partner, Shanti. He always expects people to be good and have the same honest intentions as he does, and then he's disappointed and blames himself when someone screws him over. Now he's not very trusting of people's intentions because it's happened too many times.

Another thing that seems to happen is that he doesn't make a broad range of facial expressions himself so people get angry at him because they think he's smirking or hostile when he's not.


I'm the same way. I can't tell when someone is being devious or flirtatious. Especially now that I'm older and out on my own more often, both have certainly lead to unpleasant situations.

My expressions can be very exaggerated or flat. Sometimes I'll think I'm smiling when I'm not.


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 Post subject: Re: Asperger's/NVLD/ASDs
PostPosted: Thu Oct 25, 2012 3:26 pm 
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They diagnosed me as Borderline - because I was so angry from being constantly misunderstood. By everyone.

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 Post subject: Re: Asperger's/NVLD/ASDs
PostPosted: Fri Oct 26, 2012 4:29 am 
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Has anyone on this thread seen the Swedish/Danish drama "The Bridge"? The main detective character (female) is on the Asperger's spectrum and I think it did a lot in this country to help people realise some of the traits associated with Aspergers are precisely that and not just rudeness or inappropriate responses. There was certainly much discussion in our staff room about it.

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 Post subject: Re: Asperger's/NVLD/ASDs
PostPosted: Fri Oct 26, 2012 5:51 am 
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caterpillar wrote:
I've been told by a psychologist that he'd bet his house on me having asperger's, but not an official diagnosis.


Same for me.

A lot of the stuff in this thread reads familiar to me.

Thanks for the book recommendation, Shanti. I've also had trouble in job interviews and at my workplace. I struggle with inappropriate responses so damn much. I tend to mimic the people in front of me, or respond in a way that is 'learned' aka I've seen others react like that and now I think that's the correct thing to do. I had an awkward moment earlier in the week when I didn't know what to say to a grieving person because the standard formulations around here... I just can't get the words out of my mouth!

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 Post subject: Re: Asperger's/NVLD/ASDs
PostPosted: Fri Oct 26, 2012 9:17 am 
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TupeloHoney wrote:

I'm the same way. I can't tell when someone is being devious or flirtatious. Especially now that I'm older and out on my own more often, both have certainly lead to unpleasant situations.

My expressions can be very exaggerated or flat. Sometimes I'll think I'm smiling when I'm not.


This is me, too. I seriously have no clue how to make "proper" facial expressions, so if I'm in a situation that calls for some sort of different expression it takes a lot of thought and effort to try to get one that seems right. And I'm painfully aware of my facial contortions in those situations.

I kind of go back and forth on wondering, but figure at this stage of my life it wouldn't do that much good to get any sort of diagnosis. One thing that someone mentioned on the first page is an uncanny ability to read situations and peoples' faces. I absolutely have that, but the weird thing about it is that I have no clue what to do with the information that I get from those readings. If you really want to fork with me while I'm talking to you, make two or three conflicting micro-expressions and my brain seems to self-destruct because I have no idea how to proceed, I basically stutter and lose my voice. I don't really know how to explain it, but it's almost like it takes so much energy to sense the emotions (and I can't turn that "off") that I don't have the capacity left to figure out how to respond.

Another major thing (in addition to reading people) that makes me think I'm not on the spectrum is that I did manage to successfully wait tables for many years. It was a struggle, though, and I got through it by reading people and mirroring behavior...if that makes sense. And even more, I'm afraid that if I'm not on the spectrum, it's insulting or wrong to people who are to spend my time wondering/asking if I am.


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 Post subject: Re: Asperger's/NVLD/ASDs
PostPosted: Fri Oct 26, 2012 11:12 am 
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I feel like a lot of what's being talked about here apply to me, which makes me wonder why I've never been diagnosed. I have been to someone in high school who diagnosed me with ADD but the meds never seemed to do much good that I can remember. A little, but i feel like the ADD was more a symptom. I don't know, I'm dealing a lot now with anxiety over work and I feel like a lot of it stems from an inability to figure out the way to respond to people. When I've figured out the words, I've usually startled people with what I notice/remember and sometimes I feel like other people are walking around with blinders on but a lot of the time I can't put it into words.

Thank god my boss is patient with me as I try and figure out what I want to say. (Surprisingly, if I want to, I can usually rock interviews)

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 Post subject: Re: Asperger's/NVLD/ASDs
PostPosted: Sat Oct 27, 2012 2:34 am 
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fisticuffs wrote:
caterpillar wrote:
I've been told by a psychologist that he'd bet his house on me having asperger's, but not an official diagnosis.


Same for me.

A lot of the stuff in this thread reads familiar to me.

Thanks for the book recommendation, Shanti. I've also had trouble in job interviews and at my workplace. I struggle with inappropriate responses so damn much. I tend to mimic the people in front of me, or respond in a way that is 'learned' aka I've seen others react like that and now I think that's the correct thing to do. I had an awkward moment earlier in the week when I didn't know what to say to a grieving person because the standard formulations around here... I just can't get the words out of my mouth!


Best things said to me while grieving:
"Can I bring you food?"
"Do you need anything?"
"Wow, that really sucks. I'm sorry. Let me know what you need"
"Hey, if you want to hang out, let me know"
"I'm so sorry."
"That's such a terrible thing to happen, you must be so upset. Please let me know how I can help."

Worst things:
"Oh, well, be happy she's in Heaven now" (or any variation of this..or "She's better off now")
"You really need to join a support group. Support groups are great!"
"You're young, you can have another baby."
"In the old days a lot of firstborns died"
"God wanted her back"
"Maybe it was because she was in your bed. But I'm sure it was an accident"

Not ranting, just giving an example of do/don'ts I've noticed from being on the receiving end of being the "grieving person". Most of these are real life examples but a few are from online friends/people I know.

As for the part about ADD versus ASDs/NVLD..it happens. Especially females, they get diagnosed as ADD/ADHD when they are AS. But I also know people who are extremely friendly with Aspies, are absolutely not on the spectrum, and ADD/ADHD. (They just relate somehow) It's confusing, that's why you'd have to be lucky enough to find a doctor that can dx an adult if it's something worth pursuing. (I suggest practices that handle "Asperger's teens"; that's how I found mine as an adult)

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 Post subject: Re: Asperger's/NVLD/ASDs
PostPosted: Sat Oct 27, 2012 3:22 am 
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Shanti wrote:


Worst things:
"Oh, well, be happy she's in Heaven now" (or any variation of this..or "She's better off now")
"You really need to join a support group. Support groups are great!"
"You're young, you can have another baby."
"In the old days a lot of firstborns died"
"God wanted her back"
"Maybe it was because she was in your bed. But I'm sure it was an accident"



Ugh. I can't believe anyone would say things like this to a grieving parent. (Ok, I believe that they would, but I can't fathom what they're thinking when these words form in their mouths.) I'm sorry you had to hear stuff like that on top of mourning your loss, Shanti. That's awful.

Fisticuffs, I find it hard too, and for some reason (maybe it's because it's not my mother tongue), I find the Dutch formulations of what to say when someone's grieving awkward. I feel like it's easier to express sympathy in English, but maybe that's just me. Although, honestly, it's never the easiest thing to do.

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 Post subject: Re: Asperger's/NVLD/ASDs
PostPosted: Sat Oct 27, 2012 3:46 am 
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lepelaar wrote:
Shanti wrote:


Worst things:
"Oh, well, be happy she's in Heaven now" (or any variation of this..or "She's better off now")
"You really need to join a support group. Support groups are great!"
"You're young, you can have another baby."
"In the old days a lot of firstborns died"
"God wanted her back"
"Maybe it was because she was in your bed. But I'm sure it was an accident"



Ugh. I can't believe anyone would say things like this to a grieving parent. (Ok, I believe that they would, but I can't fathom what they're thinking when these words form in their mouths.) I'm sorry you had to hear stuff like that on top of mourning your loss, Shanti. That's awful.

Fisticuffs, I find it hard too, and for some reason (maybe it's because it's not my mother tongue), I find the Dutch formulations of what to say when someone's grieving awkward. I feel like it's easier to express sympathy in English, but maybe that's just me. Although, honestly, it's never the easiest thing to do.

My Universal Unitarian pastor helped a lot. She gave me social scripts of a sort to respond to these in an honest, but not mean way. (so that they will get "Hey, that's not cool" but I also don't curse them out)

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 Post subject: Re: Asperger's/NVLD/ASDs
PostPosted: Sat Oct 27, 2012 7:27 am 
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bekki wrote:
Another major thing (in addition to reading people) that makes me think I'm not on the spectrum is that I did manage to successfully wait tables for many years. It was a struggle, though, and I got through it by reading people and mirroring behavior...if that makes sense.

I did bar work and waiting for years. I feel social interactions are sometimes so much easier when it is part of your job.

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 Post subject: Re: Asperger's/NVLD/ASDs
PostPosted: Sat Oct 27, 2012 11:00 am 
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caterpillar wrote:
bekki wrote:
Another major thing (in addition to reading people) that makes me think I'm not on the spectrum is that I did manage to successfully wait tables for many years. It was a struggle, though, and I got through it by reading people and mirroring behavior...if that makes sense.

I did bar work and waiting for years. I feel social interactions are sometimes so much easier when it is part of your job.

This could be true. My dad sold used cars for years before going into management. Every professional I've ever worked with has strongly suggested he needs evaluation for being on the spectrum. (he refuses) And I'm going into I.T., which despite what TV tells you requires at least minimum people skills.

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 Post subject: Re: Asperger's/NVLD/ASDs
PostPosted: Sat Oct 27, 2012 1:29 pm 
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On customer service: When I have worked customer service jobs in the past (retail & restaurant) I have taken on a persona to combat my anxiety. Basically I would think of another person, usually another employee, I admired and tried to do what I think they would have done in a given situation. I was basically acting. I also tend to do better in social situations with context, whether it be a job, a volunteer opportunity, or a class. Out in the wild with no context I have a very difficult time making eye contact or speaking with people. I'm trying to learn to see all social situations within a framework so I can make friends and be more comfortable. It is hard work! Even when I just post on a message board like this I always second guess myself because I think I probably said something horribly wrong. I just feel the fear and do it anyway.


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