Post Punk Kitchen Forum

I have consulted the internet so much about this, but really haven't found anything super helpful so I turn to you all even though I am a teensy bit embarrassed. I had intercourse for the first time about three weeks ago with my boyfriend and it hurt a lot. He couldn't go in all the way so we tried some and then stopped because it was too much for me to handle. The next day we bought lube and tried again, still very painful and he still couldn't get it in all the way. We looked up ways to help our situation online and I talked to some of my female friends about it and they all just said foreplay and lube should help, but we are not lacking in either department! I've been trying to make an appointment for a gynecologist, but I would love some immediate solution! Things have pretty much been going the same for the past three weeks that we've been having sex, although maybe a little bit better. One night when I was moderately inebriated he finally got it all in (also he is not abnormally huge or anything), but since then he hasn't really. We have sex a lot (3-4 times at least every time we see each other... which is most days) but I can't always endure the pain for a full "session." I have kind of gotten used to the discomfort and pain, but I really want to enjoy it! I have bled some at various times and I think possibly my hymen could still be partially intact? I do not know, PPK, but I would think that it would be better by now! Please, any tips or support would be so wonderful!

i don't have any advice for you but holy shiitake 3-4 times in one day?

you should probably not be having sex if it hurts like that. you could end up feeling like it is an uncomfortable chore you have to do.. and sex should not be a chore.
i would definitely get a hold of a gyno as soon as possible, it could be all sorts of things. your hymen could still be partially intact, it could be vaginism, it could be that you guys have been pushing too hard and it makes you sore for days, it could be you being nervous about it hurting or a yeast infection or sexually transmitted disease making it much more uncomfortable.. it could be a million different things. no matter what, sex should not be hurting like that. you could take a break from intercourse and stick to oral sex until you see a gyno?

My suggestion would be to stop having intercourse for now. Doing something that hurts you 3-4 times a day doesn't sound like much fun for either of you. Maybe try it on your own with a dildo (or zucchini or fingers) to take off the pressure and figure out which angle works best and don't even think about inserting anything until you're fullly aroused. If you can work that part out, positions where you're in control might help too. Extra marks for positions where you can get some external stimulation too.

It's a good idea to see a doctor and check everything's working, but the bleeding doesn't necessarily have to be hymen-related http://www.scarleteen.com/article/body/ ... urround_it

Honey that's no good! I would also recommend stopping intercourse for now until you get to the bottom of it. Are you very relaxed when you are in bed together? The more relaxed the better.

By the sounds of things, if you could only get it in all the way when you were drunk, maybe it's because you were more relaxed then?
Your vagina elongates the more you relax and become aroused, so if you're tense and not properly "warmed up" (make sure you orgasm on the outside before moving to the inside) you'll be very short on the inside. When you're short on the inside, he's going to be bashing your cervix. If you've ever had a pap, you know poking the cervix doesn't feel good.
Take it slow. It doesn't matter if he doesn't get the whole thing in. Your G-spot isn't way in the back. If you get the whole thing in, great, if not, you can still have fun with half of it!
Also, try changing positions? If you're on top and feel like it hurts, switch it up.
Try and not think about getting it in all the way. You're putting too much pressure on yourself.

And there's really not much that's TMI here.

where exactly does it hurt? is it a sharp ouchy pain, or duller? does it continue to hurt after you are finished, or does it go away after he's inside you for a while? it's possible you damaged your vaginal wall during the first time you did it and it's taking a while to heal. i don't necessarily know what's going on, but the more specific you can be to your gynecologist, the more help she or he can give you. it's not unheard of for sex to be painful the first couple of times (it hurt for me), but it doesn't have to be, and you should at least know WHY it hurts so you can evaluate how to proceed. get thee to a physic! and stop having intercourse!

I know at least 3 people who also had that problem when they first started having sex -- myself included. Part of the reason was because, as it turns out, I'm allergic to spermicide (I'm guessing it's an allergy) -- it hurts to have sex when I use spermicide and it burns to pee if I use it. It took a while (a long while -- a few months, as I recall) for it to stop hurting a lot and I had to really relax and 'want it' before we started or it would hurt at first (and early on, the whole time). (This applied to my two friends who had this problem, too.) But seriously, I had the exact same problem -- the first time I tried to have sex, it would not go in all the way and I yelped in shock!

(A doctor even told me I had a small vagina (!!) during a pap smear, although when a nurse gave me a pap smear a few years later and I told her that story, she said I seemed normal-sized to her.)

Even up until I had my first baby, it was still a little awkward at the beginning of having sex. Now that I've had a baby (a vaginal birth, not a c-section), it's much easier and I don't even need a lot of warming up or anything. I'm not saying go get knocked up and have a baby or anything, but having a vaginal birth definitely made things easier for me.

As a summary to my long-winded rant, the biggest help for me was to quit using spermicide. (The second-biggest thing was time and just getting my vagina used to having sex.)


(ETA: I never bled during sex (unless I had my period), not even my first time, so I don't think my pain issue was a hymen-issue.)

Are you on the BC pill? I found sex intolerably painful while on it, got the run-around from crasshole gynos who insisted it just couldn't be that! No! Then I took myself off the pill and have been scromping like a champ ever since.

I agree with the spermicide thing, you wouldn't think it could make a difference, but for me and a lot of other people it makes sex really uncomfortable.

I also agree that you should try some sex toys, either by yourself or with your boyfriend. There are a lot of things you can do besides vaginal intercourse and since you guys are in your 'fork like bunnies' stage and it's uncomfortable for you, that seems like the best course of action.

When I started having sex, it took months to go from 'painful' to 'uncomfortable' to 'meh' to 'good' to what it is now. I say keep trying (but not too hard), make sure you have lots of other kinds of sex besides intercourse, and for goodness sake, take a break between trying as well! I'm pretty sure my vagina would hurt too if I had sex 3 or 4 times in a 24-hour period.

Well, I'm not a doctor and I don't even play one on the internet, but... just based on your initial post and the fact that it got easier when you were a bit inebriated, I'm guessing that your vaj is tense. Even if you want to have sex, sometimes your cooter isn't feeling it for whatever reason. This is part of why people always recommend more foreplay... so that your parts have time to loosen up before the big show.

(That and so you self-lubricate, but since you're using lube too, this shouldn't be the problem. Though, you might try another type of lube-- lady parts are sensitive things and it seems like everyone's irritated by SOME type of lube, so this just might not be the one for you.)

I also personally don't think there's anything wrong with having a beer or two before you get your groove on.

And. There's no non-crass way to ask this, so I'm just going to put it out there: does the same thing happen if other things go in your vaj? Like, fingers and whatnot? Sometimes you have to start small, if you know what I mean.

Also +1 to the sentiment that you don't have to put the P in the V EVERY time. There are so so so so so many other things you guys can do, especially if you're going at it 3 or 4 times a day. Variety is the spice of life!

yeah okay so right after i signed off i thought of some advice for you, which most people have covered already. i agree with cutting it out for a while, until you heal. you might have some infection or something, i don't know, but either way, you got hurt the first time and didn't give your body a chance to heal. 3-4 times a day is definitely too much strain.
and yes! he doesn't have to put it in every time! play around. you can still have fun.

(sorry for not offering help when i first posted. as you might see it was 4:45am when i posted...i was out of my mind)

In response to this, it doesn't hurt if he puts one finger in, but two is a little painful. And obviously anything more than that.
Thank you alll for your responses! I just got off the phone with the gynecologist, so I have an appointment but it's not until December 16! I realize that saying we fork 3-4 times a day sounds like a lot but it's usually pretty spaced out! For example, we will fork in the morning as soon as we wake up, then go do other things for the rest of the day, meet up and have sex again many hours later, then have dinner and then fork again a couple hours later. I'm not seeing him till Wednesday (and didn't see him yesterday either) so I guess I will be giving my vagina a break.

Even if it's spaced out, 3-4 times a day is a lot, especially if yor vagina isn't yet used to p-in-v sex. Also, it's not an embarrassing question, and it's pretty normal for a lot women to take some time to get used to sex. I know it was uncomfortable for me for a while after I started--and sometimes, with new partners, it can still get uncomfortable in the intial stage of getting to know each others' bodies. Speaking of which--you might want to focus on something like digital stimulation for a while--it will give him a chance to get to know where things are in your body (we're all angled at least a little differently), how you respond to different pressures/speeds, etc...you cna lay off p-in-v sex for a good while and still be having legitimate, fun sex.

Going to the gynecologist is a good idea--and I wouldn't go with the mindset of "I wnat to figure out what's wrong" but instead the mindset of, "cool, the doctor will probably give me some tricks to make my life easier." I think it's really easy, especially when beginning to have sex, to reinforce the idea that something's wrong with your body. But it's not.

It does sound like you're tight. Go slow! I always have trouble saying "Go slow" even though I desperately need to. Pre-baby I spotted from sex fairly often because I was too impatient to slow the pace down. (I also preferred jackhammer-style sex, which is not the best for loosening up a tight vagina.) Also, if you're using condoms, there should be no burning/tingling sensation from using those unless you're using the warming/tingling varieties, and even then they shouldn't cause discomfort. That's true also of lube.
I'll take this opportunity to plug I Love Female Orgasm by Dorian Solot and Marshall Miller. I don't know that it addresses painful intercourse specifically, but it's a handy resource for when you're still figuring out exactly what makes sex good for you.

I sincerely hope you're not enduring this and putting pressure on yourself to enjoy it to please someone else. I'd agree with what AmandaMelanie said about having an orgasm, or at least getting very close, before you try again. And keep the external stimulation going when you do. Toys aren't cheating if they help you build or maintain arousal and I recently saw a study that found that women who use them have better sexual function and satisfaction (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19453881). I also think P in V is somewhat overrated and don't like referring to the myriad of other options as foreplay. It's not that it's not fun if you're into it and have figured out how to make it work for you, but for many female-bodied people the magical penis alone won't do the trick. You can reach all the sensitive spots with a finger or two, so that's all you need if you want to experiment with g-spot (by which I just mean the internal bits of the clitoris) stimulation.

listen to chipmunk!!!!

You might also want to read up on Vulvodynia and Vestibulitis. Some gyno's aren't as familiar with these conditions. Just reading up on them though will help you think of more questions you can ask the doctor to get them most out of your visit.

I'm adding my voice to the chorus of it sounds like you and your partner may want to slow it down to give you time to relax, become aroused and let your vagina lengthen and expand.

There is a totally cool multi-orgasm technique where basically your partner starts of massaging your back and shoulders in a single direction (start at the shoulders work down the back then back to the shoulders down the back), then moves to the arms and then the legs and really massages the female partner until she is completely relaxed. Then you flip over and start on her front. You use a grounding touch (so going into the muscles) only at first to relax the person and the male masseur asks permission for every stage, and tries to remain present to loving his partner. The theory is that most women live in a state of being tense and ready to protect themselves because we live in a world where women feel themselves to be in danger and always conscious of threats, so it takes a while to take down all our guards.

Once the woman is relaxed, and after asking permission, her partner moves on to an arousing touch, with light fingertips, which ends up bringing a ton of blood to every part touched. And then he moves on to the breasts and genitals. Again, there is a ton of foreplay before it goes to P in V, and its kind of amazing how many orgasms you can have once you're really really relaxed....

Now I really want Tofulish to do me.

I think you need to skip sex the next couple of times you see your fella, if you keep this up you're going to develop mental association between sex & pain and could develop a long term problem. Try to go back to just fooling around, be careful that his erm.. "man handling" of your bits isn't causing thrush, that's a big trigger for me. Wait until you're really relaxed then try again but agree to only do it once each time you see each other until it doesn't hurt any more.

I trust I am the male partner in this equation? I will let you know that I generally suck at oral.

Of course, I'm a lady!



Heh.