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 Post subject: Re: support for loss and grief
PostPosted: Fri Oct 18, 2013 1:41 pm 
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annabazoo wrote:
Meditation has helped me a lot. I usually do a few minutes of positive thinking every morning, telling myself today will be okay. Next week i will get to start up yoga again!


Annabazoo, if you have a good read off your yoga teacher, and you feel comfortable with them, it might be worth mentioning to your teacher that you are feeling a bit fragile after your aunt's death. When I am teaching, I really take into consideration what I know about my students and their lives. Of course, sometimes you just want to go to class and have your own experience, without getting into the whole thing, ,which is also fine. Hugs.

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 Post subject: Re: support for loss and grief
PostPosted: Tue Oct 22, 2013 11:30 am 
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You sound like a wonderful yoga teacher. If i was going to yoga back home i would definitely tell her, but the yoga i go to here is through the school. Think in a large gym, loud poppy dance music, and 50+ students listening to an instructor using a speaker. Definitely not the best yoga experience, but it is free and convenient so there i am.
I made an appointment with my psychiatrist who i haven't seen in ages. She's an hour and half away by my parent's house, but i really did not want to go through the struggle of finding another good psychiatrist closer to school. I am hoping to start on some meds to help me through the next few months. I am going to make an appointment for the school counseling center next week.

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 Post subject: Re: support for loss and grief
PostPosted: Tue Oct 22, 2013 7:00 pm 
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i am sleeping a lot and trying to go about my daily stuff but mar took up a lot of my time....he was my furry shadow. i feel so alone all day now...

my boyfriend and i are discussing a trip to disneyland for the holidays, i think dealing with the house without my mar is hard but the added holiday pressure would suck...

this sunday marks a week without mar and 10 years without my sister...i hurt really bad.

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 Post subject: Re: support for loss and grief
PostPosted: Tue Oct 22, 2013 7:14 pm 
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I am so sorry for your loss. It hits pretty hard when you are so used to being around someone, and suddenly they are not there. I cried the first few times i went back to my parent's house after my dog died. I was just so used to him greeting me at the door, that i could barely believe he was gone.
Trying to go about your daily stuff is good. I know it's hard, but personally if i don't do anything i just wallow in a pit of sadness. Of course, chances are i will be sad either way, but i feel a bit better about being sad and productive than sad and wallowing.

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 Post subject: Re: support for loss and grief
PostPosted: Wed Oct 23, 2013 10:36 am 
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I can understand the desire for a trip missmuffcake. After our bun died, my ex and I could not return to our apartment - we took off for a week, the emptiness of the apartment was still their when we returned, but the break was good. *hugs.

As for myself, the news this morning was giving full on coverage of Kate and Will having their baby christened. My heart just shattered once again. All I want to do now is crawl back under the covers and pretend this day does not exist. But instead I'll read and read posts until the feeling evaporates, then I'll eat and get on with my day.

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 Post subject: Re: support for loss and grief
PostPosted: Wed Oct 23, 2013 11:21 am 
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I am so tired of people offering me cats/dogs and the old 'one day you will get another cat' adage...My mom is even policing my grief on FB. I am sad/angry....leave me alone...

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 Post subject: Re: support for loss and grief
PostPosted: Fri Oct 25, 2013 4:59 pm 
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So i went to my psychiatrist yesterday, who told me that an important part of grief is talking about the ones you have lost. So, i would like to cope by telling you all about my wonderful aunt, and others who i have lost. I encourage other people to do the same. It hurts that they are gone, and the memories are a little bittersweet, but i hope that talking about it will make it hurt a little bit less.

The most amazing thing about my aunt was her attitude. She died of ALS, so towards the end she was not in good shape. Even then, she was just so positive. She would say how she lived a good life. Her decline was still very hard to deal with, but her bright smile and positive attitude made my visits with her far more happy than sad. I had so much fun getting to know her, much better than i ever would have had she not gotten ill. For this i am grateful. It really taught me to be thankful for what i have. Even when things are looking down, i still have so many wonderful things in my life to be happy about.
I have a very strong memory of her laugh. She lost her ability to speak, but she could always laugh. Sometimes she would have to leave the room from laughing so hard.
She loved art and painting. I have quite a few of her paintings hanging up in my apartment. It is such a great way to remember her. I think she would be happy to know that i enjoy her work and her memory every time i look at one. Which is a lot, because they're in every room.
Both of us loved octopuses. Actually i think my love of cephalopods stemmed from her. She really wanted to see one in the wild. She went scuba diving a few times, but no luck. I really hope that once day i can see a wild octopus.
She loved cupcakes and cakes, especially mine. She loved hearing about my baking awards, and i was sure to bring up some treats every time i visited. Once i am a successful cupcakateer, i will have to name a cupcake after her. The cookies and cream one, because that was her favorite.
She loved watching wildlife. Her house looked over a hill, surrounded by trees with a large field behind their backyard. She loved getting up early and watching the animals come by. She kept a little notebook, and would tell me about the group of ten baby turkeys, and the fox family, and the nursing deer, and the bat that lived on their porch.

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 Post subject: Re: support for loss and grief
PostPosted: Fri Oct 25, 2013 5:32 pm 
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She sounds like such a wonderful person Annabazoo. I'm glad you have such good memories of her, and mementos too. I have paintings from my mother in most rooms of my house too. Plus I kept a robe and sweater of hers; I don't wear them often, but I always feel like she has her arms around me when I do.

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 Post subject: Re: support for loss and grief
PostPosted: Fri Oct 25, 2013 7:19 pm 
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Sweaters from loved ones are so nice. I have a sweater with a little sheltie on it that reminds me of my dog.
Another thing that i find very comforting is stuffed animals. Yes, i am a twenty year old who still tucks her stuffed animals into bed, and i am not embarrassed to admit it.
I have a little fox for Ringo, cos he was foxy colored with a fluffy tail. My aunt gave me a loon that makes loon sounds when you squeeze it. I find them very comforting. It's just nice to have something to hug.

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 Post subject: Re: support for loss and grief
PostPosted: Sun Oct 27, 2013 7:09 pm 
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oh wow this thread is amazing, thank you for making it.

today is a childhood friend's birthday and in three days it will be the one year anniversary of his suicide.
I keep getting hit with little blips of childhood, remembering his family and him and how things were and all I want to do is sleep and drink and I am doing neither.

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 Post subject: Re: support for loss and grief
PostPosted: Mon Oct 28, 2013 7:53 am 
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the strange thing about coming back to my family's town is how many people i know who have died. my best friend from middle school, teachers, neighbors, people from church... can't open the alumni thing from school without seeing another one who's passed away. my middle school friend died right about this time of year, in a few weeks it'll be the anniversary of my neighbor's suicide. i don't know how people can live in the same place for so long without having this weigh so heavily on them.

many hugs to all of you. hang tough.

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 Post subject: Re: support for loss and grief
PostPosted: Mon Nov 25, 2013 11:38 pm 
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torque, I totally feel you, I can't really think about my hometown or really any time between 2003-2007 without having to face a lot of death.


I found out today that a friend from that time OD'd and died last week. I hadn't heard from or about him in probably 3 years, but back then we were very platonically close. I mean, the first thing I remembered when I heard he'd died was sharing a sleeping bag in a tent in the middle of western PA just for warmth when he and I and another friend from those times decided on a whim to go camping over thanksgiving weekend. we went in a 2-person tent with 5 pb+j sandwiches, 2 sleeping bags and a gallon of water. We stayed up all night talking and giggling hysterically because we were afraid to fall asleep and freeze to death. He was smart, like, insanely smart and very very sad. He used to point out people being nice to each other in public. He's a huge part of the way I look at the world now, he's part of why I try to be kind.
I mean, he was also an idiot, addicted and dependent on chemicals to keep him up or down, willing to sleep outside instead of going a few days sober. He even got angry with me when I stopped taking the shiitake I was taking. He desperately did not want to stare in to the abyss and see himself staring back.

He was one of those people that I really hoped had gotten clean. Someone I saw myself running in to in the future, who I'd call up one day when we'd both fixed up our lives, someone I thought about in 2-3 years: discussing the old days and the new days and what human interaction means and whatever stupid jokes we could think of over coffee, I wanted to see him be okay. He bought me a respirator once and left it on my mother's porch because he was worried about my exposure to the chemicals I was using to develop photographs in my basement. He was good and kind and now he's dead. Whatever he was using to make himself feel less awful is what did it. I hope it was fast and I hope it didn't hurt, I hope he was thinking about people being nice.

I missed the funeral because I didn't know.

I am very sad.

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 Post subject: Re: support for loss and grief
PostPosted: Tue Nov 26, 2013 7:30 am 
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i'm sorry boober- he sounds like he was a fantastic person, as well as a very troubled one. i'm glad you got to know him though.

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 Post subject: Re: support for loss and grief
PostPosted: Tue Nov 26, 2013 10:56 am 
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grandma died about two months ago. the first month was ok; mom needed to stop being a caregiver and get back to life. also, grandma really suffered at the end, and it was ... better. but for the past month, i've wanted to call grandma every night (was our habit for the past 4-5 years) and i just feel ... lost ... since i can't, and also like the family is fragmented now, and like this changed my sense of heart and self and home. i don't let myself sit with those feelings often. when i do, i cry and cry. my sister has a lot of the same ones, which is nice to know, but neither of us know what to do with them.

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 Post subject: Re: support for loss and grief
PostPosted: Tue Nov 26, 2013 11:13 am 
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lutin, no matter whether it was good or a relief from suffering or whatever, it doesn't mean you will miss her any less. maybe think about how you can express what you feel and what would honor her- writing, painting, walking, working, something.

hugs, guys. this time of year is hard for a lot of people. keep on moving along, one breath at a time.

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 Post subject: Re: support for loss and grief
PostPosted: Tue Dec 03, 2013 2:16 pm 
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moo. sunday would have been grandma's 92nd birthday. i am supposed to be coming back from a ppk-meetup that day (which i was thinking of canceling anyway, since i will be allergic to everyone / stupid cat dander), but now i just want to hang out quietly with myself and a giant pot of tea and the woods.

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 Post subject: Re: support for loss and grief
PostPosted: Tue Dec 03, 2013 2:21 pm 
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This was my first holiday without my grandmother. My mom and I went through some of the stuff she left to us while I was in town.

I feel bad because this will be the first Christmas I've ever spent away from my mom, and I knew that alone was already going to be really hard on her, but now her mother is gone too. I feel really bad about it, but there's no changing plans now.

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 Post subject: Re: support for loss and grief
PostPosted: Tue Dec 03, 2013 2:23 pm 
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I'm in the same boat, Nevraskalaska. (Sister will be there. But her long-term partner also just dramatically moved out, so I feel extra awkward and sad about not being there.)

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 Post subject: Re: support for loss and grief
PostPosted: Thu Dec 05, 2013 10:10 am 
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Lutin, my psychiatrist suggested writing letters to lost loved ones. It helped me process what happened and say the things i wished i had said when she was alive. Even if you just want to have a casual conversation with her it might help to put it on paper.

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 Post subject: Re: support for loss and grief
PostPosted: Wed Aug 06, 2014 3:03 pm 
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so I got the news on thursday morning that a friend died (at 33, of a heart defect, suddenly.) and that evening two old friends from high school were coming in to town to go on a road trip for 5 days and while they are nice enough people they aren't people i feel safe around and they shouldn't have to deal with my sadness/reaction. so i literally just pushed everything down for 5 days straight and then I had to drive home today from Tennessee to St Louis and I cried a bunch and my sinuses are now frozen and I dunno how to deal but now i'm sleepy and my head hurts and i'm back in my apartment and every time this happens I forget that the worst part for me is not being able to just like, text people things they would think are cool? like, there was a really interesting, kind, cool person at the other end of the line and now there's just, not. I went to the museum of Appalachia and they had a home-spun perpetual motion machine (theoretical) and I literally got halfway through texting him a photo of it before I remembered. it's like there was this amazing potential goodness coming in to the world via this dude and now it's just.. not. I don't know it just sucks for the universe etc.

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 Post subject: Re: support for loss and grief
PostPosted: Wed Aug 06, 2014 3:40 pm 
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boober, I have no idea what to say. I am just so sorry for your loss. You've had enough loss for a lifetime. Big hugs, friend.

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 Post subject: Re: support for loss and grief
PostPosted: Sun Aug 10, 2014 12:11 am 
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thanks ndp <3

also, i'm p. sure that Elizabeth K-R left out the ever-important stage of randomly catching yourself and saying "what the fork?" out loud and sort of blankly to no one in particular at all hours of the day, that is definitely stage 2 after shock or whatever.

I propose instead of the standard 5 step model, only based on the last few I've been through:

Denial
Aimless "What the fork"-ing
Anger
Obsession with making large quantities of hummus from scratch (literally every time someone I love dies, I have no idea what my brain is doing)
Bargaining
Depression (read: crying a LOT and sometimes in PUBLIC)
Aggressive bid to see the positive side of all things (which is secretly more depression)
Acceptance (not actually acceptance but more like resignation)

repeat as needed etc.

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 Post subject: Re: support for loss and grief
PostPosted: Sun Aug 10, 2014 5:08 pm 
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I'm so sorry Boober. hang in there.

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 Post subject: Re: support for loss and grief
PostPosted: Sun Aug 10, 2014 6:56 pm 
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Somehow I never realized this thread existed, but I'm glad it's here. I'm so sorry for everyone's losses; whether these things happen suddenly or after a long, drawn-out time, I don't think there's really a way to be properly "ready" for them, because they are all so different, and so unique, just like the people who leave and those left behind. As I've written about elsewhere on the forum, my oldest brother was killed in a cycling accident when I was 16, so my original family was "broken" in a very traumatic way that it never really recovered from, especially my parents, and the small children he left behind (he was 15 years older than me). My dad's parents died when I was 3 and 7, but they were very old and we weren't close; I remember feeling sorriest for my father, because his mother died on his birthday. Losing my childhood dog when I was 9 was much harder, and my first experience of that "what the f*ck just happened here?" feeling mentioned earlier in this thread, and then losing my brother just...I don't know, marked me in ways I can't exactly explain, but that I've been able to discuss with other people who've had siblings die before their parents.

My dad died in 2007, and I lost my mom to breast cancer a few years ago, so now fully half my original family is dead, which is weird. (My maternal grandmother died at age 90, and my dad's older siblings have been dropping like flies in recent years, but those things - while sad - are in the natural course of events, and I haven't experienced tham as being as traumatic.) The PPK was so there for me when my mom was sick (this was on the old boards), and it really helped to be able to come here in the weeks before and after she died and unload in ways I couldn't necessarily do in "real life" because not only am I the designated "strong (or at least functional)" one - medical proxy, executor, etc. - I was in the midst of getting ready to send one son off to college and finishing my MA thesis, so not holding it together wasn't even a choice. So now I'm an orphan of four years' standing, getting ready to send another son off to college and writing my PhD dissertation, but I still have dreams where my mother and/or father (less frequently about my brother) come to "visit" me, and I still have days when the sadness of not having parents feels overwhelming. In recent weeks two different friends have lost their mothers, and another is in the process of saying goodbye to his as she makes a slow, painful exit. 'm trying to repay some of the supportiveness and willingness to listen that I've been lucky to receive, and am happy for an opportunity to do so here.

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 Post subject: Re: support for loss and grief
PostPosted: Fri Aug 15, 2014 8:49 am 
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Last year in December I suffered the worst loss I could ever imagine. My partner died in a car accident on his way to work. It was obviously very sudden and no one had time to say goodbye, since he never woke up before dying. I'm only 25 but he wasn't just a temporary boyfriend. We had been in love for 4 years, and friends for 9. I know that he would have been with me in some way or another for the rest of our lives (well, that's what happened in a horrible way..). There's no words to describe how much this hurt and still do. There's just no way for me to understand how this can be true.

For people around me, it might not seem that this has affected me much. I live on my life "as normal". I work, do activities, meet a lot of people, travel. Laugh and behave like any other person. Sometimes I think that they might believe that this wasn't such a big deal for me, that it seems like I just moved on very quickly. I havn't. Will I ever? It's just that the only way I can live on is to just live on. I feel so very very tired emotionally though. Tired and "cold".

My father died when I was 10. My fathers father died when he was a teenager. The story seems to be repeating and I hate it.

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