| Register  | FAQ  | Search | Login 
It is currently Tue Sep 16, 2014 12:13 am

All times are UTC - 6 hours [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 19 posts ] 
Author Message
 Post subject: Mental Health & Recovery
PostPosted: Thu Nov 07, 2013 8:40 am 
Offline
Dying from Nooch Lung
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 7:14 pm
Posts: 3453
Location: NJ/Philadelphia
Hey all, so I know we have the depression thread (if this overlaps I apologize) but I thought it might be good to have a place to talk about mental health in general and what people are struggling with and how we are dealing.

Yesterday I just started therapy treatment again for the first time in a long while. About 4 years back I had gone for a few sessions but I didn't really take advantage of it and was too afraid to dive in. So I'm trying again and hope beyond hope that I can face everything. As my therapist put it I'm afraid to start crying because I'm afraid that I'll never stop. And that is so true!

Both of my parents were heroine addicts and my father passed when I was 12. After that it was a bumpy road. I was hospitalized twice for depression and suicide attempts. I left high school midway through my freshman year and never finished. And I now have a non-existent relationship with the little bit of family I have left including my mother.

I have managed to survive and turn my life into a "normal" life. I have a good job, an amazing husband, and great friends. But I can't shake my past. And as much as I want it to just go away I know that it never will and need to work on letting go.

Please share with me, I would love to hear about any positive outcomes of therapeutic treatment and all of your stories as well. The process is pretty scary to me but I'm sure there are plenty of people who have gone through the process and came out better on the other side.

_________________
"Gnome kicking says a lot a man's character." - Babbette


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Mental Health & Recovery
PostPosted: Thu Nov 07, 2013 9:22 am 
Offline
Has it on Blue Vinyl
User avatar

Joined: Wed Jan 12, 2011 11:13 pm
Posts: 2061
Location: NYC/Schenectady, NY
I'm an ex-addict. Tomorrow will be nine years since I used heroin and cocaine . I had an abusive family-my dad was an alcoholic manic depressive and my mom had severe anxiety disorder. Both were abusive to me as a child, physically and emotionally. I have schizoaffective disorder. I'll never not have that but right now I'm doing well. I've been through lots and lots of treatment. I went to rehab then a two year outpatient program that went from being all day six days a week down to a hour and a half once a week. I also had individual therapy and additional groups for dually diagnosed (substance abuse/psychiatric disorder. So it is possible to get better. It is a lot of hard work.

_________________
If a milkshake is going to change the world then it should be at least be an Oreo one. - daisychain


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Mental Health & Recovery
PostPosted: Thu Nov 07, 2013 9:54 am 
Offline
Dying from Nooch Lung
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 7:14 pm
Posts: 3453
Location: NJ/Philadelphia
Congrats on your recovery! And thank you for sharing.

_________________
"Gnome kicking says a lot a man's character." - Babbette


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Mental Health & Recovery
PostPosted: Thu Nov 07, 2013 1:34 pm 
Offline
Impressive boner
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 2:57 pm
Posts: 4058
Location: Nottingham.
I had a high stress, emotionally abusive upbringing and have suffered anxiety and depression for my whole life. I've had several courses of counseling and CBT and tried several types of medication. It helps when things are bad and I'm a lot more stable than I used to be. I sometimes have flare-ups, and recently had three weeks off work because of my low mood, but feel better because of the rest and quiet.

I cope better with depression than anxiety. I notice trigger points with my depression that can be remedied with rest, quiet and medication but currently I'm really anxious due to a situation I'm in and I'm finding the symptoms difficult to deal with.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Mental Health & Recovery
PostPosted: Thu Nov 07, 2013 4:31 pm 
Offline
Married to the wolfman
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 9:49 pm
Posts: 5947
Location: Santa Cruz, CA
Name a mental illness, it's somewhere in my family... I got off relatively easy with a hefty dose of depression and anxiety. The anxiety is a combination of general anxiety and social phobia. It manifests partially in obsessive compulsive tendencies. Um, what else. I self-harmed for many many years, before it was a thing anyone really knew or understood anything about. And of course, eating disorders... I went through that too.

It's all mostly under control these days, except when it isn't. I did therapy for years when I was younger, and that helped me overcome some of the factors that contributed to my depression and get the self-harm under control. I also had a great therapist who taught me a ton of anxiety exercises, from breathing techniques to visualizations and on and on, and I still use some of them often.

Beyond that, I've just observed over the years and built up a list of dos and don'ts for minimizing the likelihood of getting into a bad mental space. Like for instance, if I don't exercise daily, my anxiety shoots through the roof. (I think I have too much energy and it just gets converted into crazy.) There are certain types of movies or shows I won't watch because I know they are triggering for me. Etc etc.

It doesn't keep depressive episodes from happening or keep my anxiety levels doable all the time but it goes a long way.

_________________
"Hummus; a gentleman's vice." -- Mars

coldandsleepy cooks, THE BLOG!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Mental Health & Recovery
PostPosted: Thu Nov 07, 2013 4:54 pm 
Offline
Mispronounces Daiya
User avatar

Joined: Thu Nov 01, 2012 4:07 pm
Posts: 1412
Location: Berlin
I've had an eating disorder for most of my life. I was a compulsive overeater as child since I was put on a diet when I was 5 for the first time. I dieted a lot from then into my teens (was sent to a fatloss camp, etc, "weightloss therapy" etc etc) and mostly crash dieting. When I was 13 I started deciding which diets to go on myself and when I was 15 I did a 600 calories protein diet and lost a lot of weight and it messed me up a lot mentally. At 16/17 I became bulimic, it got better, then when I was 18 and doing my finals it started getting worse again. I was depressed but I could never tell how much I was "just" depressed because of the eating disorder or how much it was a "real thing". I started therapy and figured out a lot of my self hatred and self worth issues stem from when I was raped at 8 at one 4-week-trip to a health clinic to lose weight. My father who is an alcoholic also had a very bad influence on my mental health, he also taught me to just ignore mental problems and try to be "normal". I realized I also always had trouble with feeling like a freak because I was "gifted" (just in a high IQ-way) and my mother tried to make that go away/deny it so it "wouldnt go to my head", which just made me feel even more like there was something wrong with me.

When I started to go to university at 18/19 I became very ill. I still had bulimia but mostly I tried not to eat. I developed other mental health stuff. I was misdiagnosed as "borderline", I hurt myself, I heard voices (but I always knew they weren't real), I was so depressed I couldn't leave the house and I had daily panic attacks. Then I was raped again. I tried to commit suicide due to panic/anxiety/pain killer abuse.

At 20 I took benzos daily and had to increase the dosage all the time, my anti-depressants made me very suicidal. 2010 when I got together with my boyfriend my then-best friend got so jealous. She sexually abused me. I'm still friends with her, she can't "remember" the stuff that happened and I know she's mentally ill herself so I guess that's why I'm still in contact with her. But I lost my best friend of 7 years then.

I'm "in recovery" since 2011 I'd say. I don't take any mental meds anymore. I'm much better than I've been in a long time but it's still not all "well". The worse parts are my self worth issues, my fears and being triggered regarding sexual abuse. I'm mostly better because I really really tried to get better after I'd been together with boyfriend for half a year and I realized how I was ruining our relationship and pissing away my future.


Sorry, I wrote this much. I didn't even give a list of my symptoms and things I was (mis?)diagnosed as. For another post...

_________________
http://www.veganinberlin.com
"Money ain't got no owners, only spenders." - Omar


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Mental Health & Recovery
PostPosted: Thu Nov 07, 2013 7:11 pm 
Offline
Dying from Nooch Lung
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 7:14 pm
Posts: 3453
Location: NJ/Philadelphia
I want to thank you all so much for sharing with me such personal information.

Im trying to wrap my head around a lot of things. Who am I, am I depressed, have I been hiding and depriving myself of a real life because I'm afraid to face the pain, etc. Ive realized that the reason why I overeat is based on emotion even though Ive lied to myself about that since I was 8. And now I have my own compulsive food addiction that Im struggling with. I think Im also holding back parts of myself to my husband and our relationship is good but when it comes to intamacy and sex I have issues that are all my own and by not working on them its just unfair to him.

Have any of you managed to rebuild relationships with your parents or at least come to terms with them?

_________________
"Gnome kicking says a lot a man's character." - Babbette


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Mental Health & Recovery
PostPosted: Thu Nov 07, 2013 8:44 pm 
Offline
Married to the wolfman
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 9:49 pm
Posts: 5947
Location: Santa Cruz, CA
GraciaKai wrote:
Have any of you managed to rebuild relationships with your parents or at least come to terms with them?


Sorta. I didn't mention it in my first post but... my parents had all kinds of issues when I was growing up, some of which persist, some of which don't. Substance issues, mental health issues, and just a lot of poor life choices issues. At some point in my late teens, I realized that all that shiitake... was about them. For better or for worse, it had pretty much nothing to do with me and my siblings. It's really hard to explain it in words, but it was such a powerful and humanizing realization for me... oh, you guys are just PEOPLE. Totally normal, totally fallible people. That one moment of realization allowed me to forgive them a lot of things and accept that if I wanted to have ANY kind of relationship with them, I needed to let go of being angry at them. So I made a purposeful decision to at least try to give them a clean slate and honestly, I'm not mad at them now, haven't been in a long time.

But I'm not as close with them as I was when I was younger. I love them and I forgive them but I guess, as miserly and cold as it sounds, I don't really trust them on a lot of levels. It's one thing to be willing to believe in people's abilities to change but it's another thing to act on that belief I guess.

_________________
"Hummus; a gentleman's vice." -- Mars

coldandsleepy cooks, THE BLOG!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Mental Health & Recovery
PostPosted: Thu Nov 07, 2013 8:53 pm 
Offline
Seagull of the PPK
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 6:46 pm
Posts: 7973
Location: Brasil
hugs and hi-fives and such to you guys. every day is an achievement sometimes, congrats for getting here.

my family also has All The Mental Illness. Growing up, my father had untreated postwar PTSD and anxiety and was physically and emotionally abusive. We thought it was normal, but it took me til I was in my twenties to realize it was not normal, and that he was doing the best he could with what he had (although frankly it sucked). I moved out when I was 16 and got as far away as possible. I hurt myself in various ways over the years (cutting, hair pulling, substance abuse, among others) and often went through huge pits of depression but never put two and two together to understand that my hurting myself and hating myself was due to my upbringing and the genetic component.
I had what basically was a breakdown when my daughters were born and I was under so much stress that I was a danger to the kids and to myself. The depression combined with rage, and my husband and I split up due to my behavior, which was basically bipolar. I took meds and did a lot of therapy. It turned out it was mostly a matter of anger and resentment about having no control. Again, lots of therapy. I stopped taking medications a few years ago when I felt like I was at a point where it was possible to change my life and avoid the things that made my depression so bad. I owe my life to therapy, I really do.

I had a rebuild of sorts with my father. our relationship was always such a horror show but when his cancer came back I tried to put it aside. there was so much that we couldn't talk about, so it's not like it was rainbows and shiitake, but i forgive him. he did the best he could with what he had. but we never were able to talk about it or about what a torture it was to grow up with him. my brother and i have talked, he has very similar issues to me but instead of rage and anger management stuff he has anxiety and panic. knowing that we both feel the same has helped a lot. as for my mother, i can't talk about it with her. i don't blame her, but i'm not going there.

i think, honestly, the sex and intimacy thing took the longest. so many years of trying to "have some control" by sleeping with whatever the hell i wanted to did nothing to resolve the decades of weird issues i had with myself. my spouse deserves a medal.

_________________
Buddha says 'Meh'.--matwinser
I'm just a drunk who likes fruit. -- Desdemona


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Mental Health & Recovery
PostPosted: Thu Nov 07, 2013 10:01 pm 
Offline
Dying from Nooch Lung
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 8:43 pm
Posts: 3278
Location: mt. pleasant
My father has postwar PTSD as well. He finally sought help around 2004 and he's a completely different person. He's the poster boy for what professional care can do. Because of the hard work he's done as well as the great care that's been afforded him by the VA he's able to be in my life, so in that sense I've manage to rebuild and in some ways just plain build a relationship with him.

My brother has global developmental delays and some mental health issues. He hasn't had the sparkling outcome that my father had, but is able to hold down a full time job as well as drive. He may never live on his own, but he has a social circle at this point and seems to be happy. His experience has really run the gamut to completely unmedicated and without help to assisted living with 24hr care.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Mental Health & Recovery
PostPosted: Thu Nov 07, 2013 10:08 pm 
Offline
Seagull of the PPK
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 6:46 pm
Posts: 7973
Location: Brasil
wow, fupa. i am so glad to hear that it worked for your dad. my mother and i once had the discussion "if he had have sought help" and it was heartbreaking, but ultimately just not meant to be. but i'm happy to hear it made a good difference in your family.

_________________
Buddha says 'Meh'.--matwinser
I'm just a drunk who likes fruit. -- Desdemona


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Mental Health & Recovery
PostPosted: Thu Nov 07, 2013 10:09 pm 
Offline
Discovered unobtainium
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 9:21 pm
Posts: 12088
Location: Dinosaur Stampede
I'm very happy for you and your dad, Fupa.

Great care and "VA" are generally not found in the same sentence. It is nice to hear a good VA story. (They refuse to help my dad because his work while being exposed to agent orange in Thailand was highly classified, so he can't prove he was there and they aren't interested in declassifying any of those personnel record.)

I think I always feel that any recovery is just a silly dream and not actually realistically possible.

_________________
"This is the creepiest post ever if you don't know who Molly is." -Fee
"a vegan death match sounds like something where we all end up hugging." -LisaPunk


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Mental Health & Recovery
PostPosted: Thu Nov 07, 2013 10:32 pm 
Offline
Bought a used copy of Natural Harvest
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 6:29 pm
Posts: 6108
Location: Land of Maple and Beavers
nevermind, decided against sharing allathat.

_________________
Did you notice the slight feeling of panic at the words "Chicken Basin Street"? Like someone was walking over your grave? Try not to remember. We must never remember. - mumbles
Is this about devilberries and nazifruit again? - footface


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Mental Health & Recovery
PostPosted: Thu Nov 07, 2013 11:04 pm 
Offline
Drinks Wild Tofurkey
User avatar

Joined: Tue Nov 09, 2010 12:16 am
Posts: 2725
Location: SF Bay area
I started talking to a therapist last year at my university because I was just so unhappy all the time. A lot of it is situational but it's exacerbated by depression (definitely genetic!) and an unhealthy relationship with my parents. I only realized last year that my mom actually has an illness and isn't just a crasshole and I've been talking to my doctor about that a lot. It helps so much because my habits and way of relating to people have been shaped by her and years of abuse. I didn't realize until recently that I'm around people with similar traits as her at work and it triggers buttloads of anxiety and depression, so therapy helps me figure out how to cope! Both parents are also addicts and coming to terms with not being able to trust them and how to set boundaries to keep me and my husband from getting hurt has really really changed my life.

_________________
http://hotveganchickpeas.wordpress.com (food blog)
http://baybalcony.wordpress.com (gardening blog)


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Mental Health & Recovery
PostPosted: Fri Nov 08, 2013 2:24 am 
Offline
Addicted to B12 Enemas

Joined: Fri Dec 09, 2011 11:04 pm
Posts: 247
Location: Wanting to get out of NC
I have GAD and when it gets bad my depression gets worse. Last year I had a panic attack before a presentation in class. I decided to go to therapy at my uni.

It was hard for me to make that decision. I had been to therapy before (2 different therapists). I didn't jive with one and the other told me I was a lesbian because of my appearance. After that I had sworn off therapy.

Anyways, my current counselor is good. Some of the stuff I worked through was hard for me. I had to face facts about myself that I wasn't ready to face, but in the end I ended up better.

Anxiety is still a major problem in my life, but it's easier for me to function. Once I finish me degree things will probably go back to "normal."

So I guess therapy works if the person is a decent human being.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Mental Health & Recovery
PostPosted: Fri Nov 08, 2013 6:24 am 
Offline
Drunk Dialed Ian MacKaye
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 3:05 pm
Posts: 1956
Location: Copenhagen, Denmark
I think that I am actually.. on the other side of those things.

I have had a lot of issues throughout my childhood and teenage years and my start twenties. I've been a member of this forum since 2006, so I've used this place to share a lot of stuff though out the time, but it bears repeating. I grew up with my mom and my sibling's fathers; I don't know my father as he is very mentally ill and suffers from paranoid schizophrenia and is currently a homeless junkie as far as I know. My little brother's father was always my dad when I was little, but he is an alcoholic and a substance abuser and while I honestly think he did the best he could, he broke our hearts so many times because he just couldn't be there.
My little sisters father suffered from dissocial personality disorder and he messed up the entire family so badly - we had to move to a women's sanctuary when I was around 6 for a few weeks, but then we moved back in with him. Later, the relationship ended when I was around 12, because he went crazy on my mom and began being physical with her. I had to run downstairs and call the police and we locked ourselves in a bedroom and waited for the police to show up. Then we moved out for a few weeks.
Soon after he moved out, my mother got another new boyfriend who was an alcoholic. I just stopped coming home, and from I was around 14, I basically took care of myself and hung around in a different city, and eventually moved out the day I turned 16.

During all of this, I became really messed up. I was a highly gifted child, and all of my teachers had great expectations of me. But school and home were like two different worlds, and so I did what many other girls in the same situation have done: I started dieting. This happened around the same time I was sexually abused, I don't know exactly what happened first because it has always just been tangled together in my head.
I went on my first diet when I was 10, started throwing up when I was 12, and at 13 I became hospitalized after a suicide attempt. At this point, I smoked pot and drank every day, hung out with some really bad kids and did everything I could to just get away from reality. I was admitted to a mental hospital for a few days at 13, and then started therapy 3 times a week. My mother went on a leave from work, and I was taken to school in a taxi every day, because I was not allowed to be alone. This was back in 2002 and no one knew what to do about eating disorders or what they really were. I had the worst treatment imaginable, and it did nothing but escalate things, along with giving me old school anti-psychotic medicine that made everything seem grey, and I stayed away from therapy for a long time, while trying to get better on my own, but in reality just getting worse. At the same time I started skipping school almost every day.

Then i started hanging out with these punk kids and became a part of the punk scene and that helped for a while. I finally felt like I belonged somewhere and for a few years I actually did better - I drank less, I stopped smoking weed, I met my then boyfriend and moved in with him, and I spent most of my time working on political stuff. I had success with things. It was honestly one of the most important things that had happened in my life at that point. But a lot of really horrible things happened that I won't go into detail with because it's really hard to describe, but this one girl decided making my life a living hell which, along with other things, pushed me right back into a full blown eating disorder, but this time with bonus anxiety and a very bad depression. I tried to kill myself, and had 12 therapy sessions with a therapist, but then my financing ran out and i was on my own again, just as I had started dealing with the sexual abuse I was put through by my best friends father when I was a kid.

The anxiety got worse. I literally almost didn't leave my house for a year. I had a few failed attempts at therapy, but it didn't work out. I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't walk alone. I couldn't deal with anything. I started drinking again. I lost so much weight, and finally a friend of a friend forced me to go to the doctor with her, and I was signed up for a treatment program.

At first, this 2-times a week treatment program was stupid to me. It was just 1,5 hours two times a week with a therapist. I had to write down everything I ate. She gave me things to read and I had to fill out different forms. We talked about my feelings, but mostly in regards to eating. I had assignments where I had to do things like go to the supermarket alone and buy something I would never buy normally. At first it was really really hard, and I had such a hard time gaining weight, but after a while I started being stubborn and work really hard at doing what she told me. I had to trust her completely, which is not something I easily do. But I gained weight and I became better. She told me that if I wanted to deal with my feelings, I had to get over my addiction to my eating disorder first, just like an alcoholic has to stop drinking before you can find the underlying reasons that this person drinks. And it made sense. For the first time ever, I actually started to feel like I had the strength to deal with what had happened in my life.

I started to take an adult high school course at the same time I was transferred to a therapy group at the same centre as the eating disorder treatment. I had 4 great months there, where I dealt with a lot of stuff. I was diagnosed with a mixed personality disorder and was transferred to another group for young people with personality disorders, while still working hard at school. I had been home for several years before I began therapy and school, so it was all so new and scary and suddenly I had therapy 3 hours two times a week in the mornings, and school every day. And I had more than a handful of days where I biked to school after therapy, stood outside and just couldn't go in. I told my teachers that I was in therapy, and they were really supportive, which meant that I was able to relax more about it, and much to my surprise, I began feeling smart again, like I was capable and like life had a purpose.

I went to therapy for a full year in that group, and I worked really hard every day at getting better. But the great things was that I realized that working on yourself and working on getting better is something you have to apply to everything you do: I began trying to get rid of bad friendships, I thought about how I wanted to be, and everything in my life was really really intense. I told my friends that I had to prioritize me first, and got a lot of support, but the good kind, the kind that let ME do all of the hard work.

I had my last therapy session in April 2012, just a few months after I met my current boyfriend. I was really worried when I finished therapy. What if I couldn't make it on my own? What if I just fell back into the same routines?

It's been 1,5 years, and I have not tried losing weight a single time. I am actually pretty chocked that it seemed like a rational solution to me back then - it seems like a different lifetime. I have not had an anxiety attack for more than a year and can do everything that I want. I finished my adult high school course with the highest grades possible and began architecture school this September. And just decided that I'm dropping out. And it feels okay, because even though things have been stressful lately and even though a lot of things have happened in the past year that would normally have sent me into a spiral of bad things, I'm completely okay. I think I'm past those things now. Actually, I'm pretty sure that I'm past those things now.

It's weird, I always thought that anxiety and eating disorders and mental problems were things that would follow one around forever. I was so surprised that it doesn't have to be. I feel like I left those things in the past where they belong. And it feels so good.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Mental Health & Recovery
PostPosted: Fri Nov 08, 2013 7:59 am 
Offline
Dying from Nooch Lung
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 7:14 pm
Posts: 3453
Location: NJ/Philadelphia
It is dumbfounding amazing to me how much our childhoods make such a huge life long impact. And the whole coming to terms with the fact that our parents are just people and they are fallible is so hard to accept. I feel guilty for walking away from my mom at 17 because I just couldn't take her anymore. Her grief over losing my dad and her addiction was dragging us both down. And now I have thoughts like what if I truly never see or speak to her again. What if I just get a phone call one day saying she is dead, then what? Will I hate myself for not trying to forgive her. I'm mad as hell that she has missed so much of my life. Even when I was a young kid and still had both parents it always felt like I was alone. I was nose pressed up to the TV all of the time tuning out what was going on around me. Because what was going on was my parents getting high in their bedroom and then passing out for hours while I sat alone doing nothing. Our electric was constantly cut off, we had no phone, the cable was stolen, sometimes we had no heat, and I'm not sure how they avoided eviction. But I remember my mom taking me to the rental office of the apartment building we lived in and getting yelled at by the manager for not paying the $4.00 a month rent for several months over. All of the apartments had roaches and our apartment was a mess. I just still get so infuriated at the whole thing.

For a good long time I was kind of obsessed with heroine culture. My mom had no boundaries at all. After she finally told me the truth, not like I didn't already know, for some reason she felt the need to over share about what it's like to be an addict. She taught me about how to buy drugs and what the little white packets looked like and that they all have different names, etc. It was oddly fascinating to me. I think I was trying to find a way to understand or relate to her and my dad and why they would do this. Thankfully I never had the urge to try it for myself. The TV show "The Corner" which was a mini series on HBO really did a number on me. It hit too close to home and after watching it through was when I kind of shut down internally.

Gah, sucky suck suck!

_________________
"Gnome kicking says a lot a man's character." - Babbette


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Mental Health & Recovery
PostPosted: Fri Nov 08, 2013 1:37 pm 
Offline
Drinks Wild Tofurkey
User avatar

Joined: Tue Nov 09, 2010 12:16 am
Posts: 2725
Location: SF Bay area
GraciaKai wrote:
It is dumbfounding amazing to me how much our childhoods make such a huge life long impact. And the whole coming to terms with the fact that our parents are just people and they are fallible is so hard to accept. I feel guilty for walking away from my mom at 17 because I just couldn't take her anymore. Her grief over losing my dad and her addiction was dragging us both down. And now I have thoughts like what if I truly never see or speak to her again. What if I just get a phone call one day saying she is dead, then what? Will I hate myself for not trying to forgive her. I'm mad as hell that she has missed so much of my life. Even when I was a young kid and still had both parents it always felt like I was alone. I was nose pressed up to the TV all of the time tuning out what was going on around me. Because what was going on was my parents getting high in their bedroom and then passing out for hours while I sat alone doing nothing. Our electric was constantly cut off, we had no phone, the cable was stolen, sometimes we had no heat, and I'm not sure how they avoided eviction. But I remember my mom taking me to the rental office of the apartment building we lived in and getting yelled at by the manager for not paying the $4.00 a month rent for several months over. All of the apartments had roaches and our apartment was a mess. I just still get so infuriated at the whole thing.

For a good long time I was kind of obsessed with heroine culture. My mom had no boundaries at all. After she finally told me the truth, not like I didn't already know, for some reason she felt the need to over share about what it's like to be an addict. She taught me about how to buy drugs and what the little white packets looked like and that they all have different names, etc. It was oddly fascinating to me. I think I was trying to find a way to understand or relate to her and my dad and why they would do this. Thankfully I never had the urge to try it for myself. The TV show "The Corner" which was a mini series on HBO really did a number on me. It hit too close to home and after watching it through was when I kind of shut down internally.

Gah, sucky suck suck!

Your experiences sound a lot like my husband's. His dad's now gone because of an overdose but we keep in touch with his mom. When she's clean she's ok to be around if there are a lot of boundaries in place but if she's using my husband refuses all contact. It's been a bumpy road and it's hard to figure out where to draw the line. <3

_________________
http://hotveganchickpeas.wordpress.com (food blog)
http://baybalcony.wordpress.com (gardening blog)


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Mental Health & Recovery
PostPosted: Sat Nov 16, 2013 3:03 pm 
Offline
Dying from Nooch Lung

Joined: Wed Aug 01, 2012 3:37 pm
Posts: 3236
Location: Ireland
Thanks everyone for sharing your stories. x

Thanks to abusive relationships I've been left with some pretty bad damage to my mental health. I'm working on being good to myself and working on the behaviours that I have that result in me continuing the abuse on myself when the gaggle of abusers aren't around. It's a difficult journey trying to get me to believe that I deserve a good life but I am sure it will be worth all the hard work in the end.

Now that my work situation is a lot healthier and is promoting my confidence and self-esteem it is having a knock on effect on my health and each day I am getting back some of my inner strength. Hearing regular very positive feedback is starting to help me believe that I am not the worthless, waste of space that all my abusers (including myself) believed me to be.

_________________
Meowchickameow meow! - Tofulish


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 19 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 6 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Yahoo [Bot] and 2 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group
Template made by DEVPPL/ThatBigForum and fancied up by What Cheer