How many times have you tried to bang? He could be fibbing about the past two months thing, or fibbing about how much experience hes had. Nerves play a huge role, especially if he perceives your relationship to be kinda serious. I had a friend who banged people like crazy, then met his future wife and couldnt get it up the first 7-10 times. If hes being truthful about this happening for so long, I think he should see a doctor. Hes young for stress to be affecting him this much, and i would worry that his stress level is way too high for a 26 year old, or that something is medically wrong with his wang tang. if that checks out ok, then take the pressure off. dont even attempt PinV for awhile. Hook up and say youre only going to do X. Once youve been in the relationship a bit longer, then try to add PinV sex back in.
Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 12:30 am Posts: 191 Location: Phoenix, AZ
pistachiorose wrote:
I'm ashamed to be posting about sex problems already, but anyway here goes. TMI warning!
So my new boyfriend can't keep an erection and has trouble getting one. He says he's been having trouble with this for the past 2 months (before we started a relationship) - he hasn't tried or wanted to stroganoff for over a month. He does get one sometimes, but sometimes it disappears as soon as he puts a condom on. The one time penetration actually happened, he went from trying not to come too fast to losing it entirely. Technically this shouldn't bother me, because he assures me that he's still very much attracted to me and had this problem before he met me - I also don't get a lot of pleasure from penetration and he's happy to do what it takes to get me off, so I'm not lacking in orgasms or anything - but I still worry because I haven't experienced this before and obviously sex would be more satisfying if we could both get off from it.
Part of it could be a confidence issue - neither of us have had sex for a while and are both lacking in confidence. He got really stressed out the first time we tried to have sex and couldn't stay hard enough for penetration. I think he felt like a failure.
This guy isn't older - he's only 26. He says that the problem isn't serious and that he thinks it's from over-work. He'd been under a lot of stress this past year and really isn't happy with his career and the long hours that he has to work. He thinks he'll get back to normal once he gets a vacation (sometime this summer).
I know that this sort of thing happens a lot with women (it has happened to me before) but I'd never heard of it happening to men as well. I guess I worry that he secretly isn't attracted to me or something. Plus I feel sorry for him because sex and orgasms are great. I wish I could help.
What's the prognosis, ppk?
First of all, it's not you. Men (people) experience physical indicators of desire even in the absence of a partner. The part about stroganoff makes me think that this is more than nerves or questions of confidence. I say he should go to a doctor and have his hormone levels checked. Anyway, it's probably not healthy for someone to be so stressed that he can't get it up at 26, so even if everything appears to be okay inside, a doctor might be able to help him find ways to relieve the stress. Then he can do you. Which will relieve even more stress. Ta-da?
I'm ashamed to be posting about sex problems already, but anyway here goes. TMI warning!
So my new boyfriend can't keep an erection and has trouble getting one. He says he's been having trouble with this for the past 2 months (before we started a relationship) - he hasn't tried or wanted to stroganoff for over a month. He does get one sometimes, but sometimes it disappears as soon as he puts a condom on. The one time penetration actually happened, he went from trying not to come too fast to losing it entirely. Technically this shouldn't bother me, because he assures me that he's still very much attracted to me and had this problem before he met me - I also don't get a lot of pleasure from penetration and he's happy to do what it takes to get me off, so I'm not lacking in orgasms or anything - but I still worry because I haven't experienced this before and obviously sex would be more satisfying if we could both get off from it.
Part of it could be a confidence issue - neither of us have had sex for a while and are both lacking in confidence. He got really stressed out the first time we tried to have sex and couldn't stay hard enough for penetration. I think he felt like a failure.
This guy isn't older - he's only 26. He says that the problem isn't serious and that he thinks it's from over-work. He'd been under a lot of stress this past year and really isn't happy with his career and the long hours that he has to work. He thinks he'll get back to normal once he gets a vacation (sometime this summer).
I know that this sort of thing happens a lot with women (it has happened to me before) but I'd never heard of it happening to men as well. I guess I worry that he secretly isn't attracted to me or something. Plus I feel sorry for him because sex and orgasms are great. I wish I could help.
What's the prognosis, ppk?
Heh, I can totally relate to the total loss of libido through overwork / job stress, that was me all winter. Not any more fun for me than it was for my partner. Best of luck to the 2 of you, and give it some time... Other than that, my only experience with a guy who had erection problems: I didn't have issues with the sex, but with his attitude about it - at the same time obsessed and freaking out about it, yet completely unwilling to discuss it. So I'd say your guy is significantly healthier in dealing with it!
And hey, congratulations on the new sexy Japanese dude! Exciting!
Rocklobster, I think we've tried ~3-4 times. Maybe he's fibbing about the 2-month thing, but I would be surprised. I think whatever experience he had in the past has been almost negated since he hasn't had a girlfriend for 4 years before me, so there's no illusions there.
I've heard that Japan (and maybe Korea?) are the only countries where 'over-work' is considered a legitimate cause for death. People work crazy-hard here. I haven't asked for too many details, but my boyfriend has gone to a doctor in the past (I think just a regular doctor) because he was miserable and had insomnia and loss of appetite and that work was the/part of the reason. He was granted a one-month vacation, which is almost unheard-of here. I wish he'd see a counselor or something though.
As a sidenote: he often has trouble sleeping when he's alone but says that he sleeps better when I'm around - who does that?!
Anyway, maybe I'll encourage him to get his hormone levels checked, for sure. I want to encourage him to see a doctor for this specifically, but he seems pretty convinced that it's just stress. I don't feel like I'm in a position to pressure him already because our relationship is so new, but it's obviously a concern. It's difficult...
Joined: Thu Oct 28, 2010 1:43 pm Posts: 2250 Location: In some dumb hotel in an equally dumb town...or in San Diego
pistachiorose wrote:
I'm ashamed to be posting about sex problems already, but anyway here goes. TMI warning!
So my new boyfriend can't keep an erection and has trouble getting one. He says he's been having trouble with this for the past 2 months (before we started a relationship) - he hasn't tried or wanted to stroganoff for over a month. He does get one sometimes, but sometimes it disappears as soon as he puts a condom on. The one time penetration actually happened, he went from trying not to come too fast to losing it entirely. Technically this shouldn't bother me, because he assures me that he's still very much attracted to me and had this problem before he met me - I also don't get a lot of pleasure from penetration and he's happy to do what it takes to get me off, so I'm not lacking in orgasms or anything - but I still worry because I haven't experienced this before and obviously sex would be more satisfying if we could both get off from it.
Part of it could be a confidence issue - neither of us have had sex for a while and are both lacking in confidence. He got really stressed out the first time we tried to have sex and couldn't stay hard enough for penetration. I think he felt like a failure.
This guy isn't older - he's only 26. He says that the problem isn't serious and that he thinks it's from over-work. He'd been under a lot of stress this past year and really isn't happy with his career and the long hours that he has to work. He thinks he'll get back to normal once he gets a vacation (sometime this summer).
I know that this sort of thing happens a lot with women (it has happened to me before) but I'd never heard of it happening to men as well. I guess I worry that he secretly isn't attracted to me or something. Plus I feel sorry for him because sex and orgasms are great. I wish I could help.
What's the prognosis, ppk?
I get nervous and sometimes cant get it up with new people. Sometimes it takes awhile (like a few weeks). Ive had the same thing going where Im at full boner and as soon as I go to put the condom on, its noodle city.
It sucks because I worry more that the girl will start to think its her but its really just whatever the fork makes me so koo-koo and nervous when Im with new people sometimes (doesnt always happen for some reason)
Im not sure what causes it, but I always let the ladies know that I dig them and its just me being crazy...sorta like what your fella is doing. Plus hes still being a good lover and pleasing you, so Id just say let time fix this and try not to let it worry you. If he wasnt into you he wouldnt keep trying.
Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 12:30 am Posts: 191 Location: Phoenix, AZ
I feel like I'm blossoming. I had my first orgasm a few months ago. Just the other day I figured out how to stroganoff to orgasm. My boobs have gone up a solid cup size recently. I'll be 22 in a week, not 14. And no, I'm not eating much soy at all.
I probably shouldn't be allowed to have sexytimes anymore. Last night boyfriend person (BFP) was sitting on the bed pulling me towards him, so I kind of tackled him and sat on his chest and announced I was going to squish him like a bug. Then there was some fooling around, but I continued to occasionally whisper in a faux sexy voice that I would squish him. what is my problem? Then, fooling around, shirt comes off and I got up to remove my pants, and for some reason decided this was a good time to pretend I was a tap dancer. and I was laughing really hard at myself while BFP looked at me like I'd lost it. seriously. I shouldn't be in charge of this whole 'sexy' thing. luckily he loves me anyway, but it was super awkward. the sex was good, though.
_________________ "I think I am going to turn into a chickpea." ~Dakini Love is like a pineapple, sweet and undefinable~ Piet Hein
Joined: Thu Oct 28, 2010 1:43 pm Posts: 2250 Location: In some dumb hotel in an equally dumb town...or in San Diego
Fizzgig wrote:
I probably shouldn't be allowed to have sexytimes anymore. Last night boyfriend person (BFP) was sitting on the bed pulling me towards him, so I kind of tackled him and sat on his chest and announced I was going to squish him like a bug. Then there was some fooling around, but I continued to occasionally whisper in a faux sexy voice that I would squish him. what is my problem? Then, fooling around, shirt comes off and I got up to remove my pants, and for some reason decided this was a good time to pretend I was a tap dancer. and I was laughing really hard at myself while BFP looked at me like I'd lost it. seriously. I shouldn't be in charge of this whole 'sexy' thing. luckily he loves me anyway, but it was super awkward. the sex was good, though.
you sound awesome to me, lucky boyfriend...stay silly, serious sex gets old sometimes
Joined: Sun Oct 24, 2010 11:28 pm Posts: 2978 Location: San Francisco
My boyfriend is terrible in bed. No matter how much instruction I give him, it goes in one ear and out the other. I haven't had an orgasm in ages, and I'm so forking frustrated I want to cry and I keep trying to avoid sex because I just get aggravated at how awful it is. I'm super attracted to him, and he means well, but my god. I haven't had sex this terrible since high school, and I have a feeling it's going to ruin my relationship, which really really sucks, because he's ideal in many other ways... just not sex. But sex is really, really important to me.
*whimper*
_________________ Your heart is a muscle the size of a fist Keep loving, keep fighting
My boyfriend is terrible in bed. No matter how much instruction I give him, it goes in one ear and out the other. I haven't had an orgasm in ages, and I'm so forking frustrated I want to cry and I keep trying to avoid sex because I just get aggravated at how awful it is. I'm super attracted to him, and he means well, but my god. I haven't had sex this terrible since high school, and I have a feeling it's going to ruin my relationship, which really really sucks, because he's ideal in many other ways... just not sex. But sex is really, really important to me.
*whimper*
I'm sorry :( that sucks majorly. This reminded me of:
adamcrisis: thanks for the peptalk. I am feeling a bit ridiculous.
_________________ "I think I am going to turn into a chickpea." ~Dakini Love is like a pineapple, sweet and undefinable~ Piet Hein
Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 2:35 pm Posts: 5291 Location: Norristown, PA
Adam Crisis wrote:
Fizzgig wrote:
I probably shouldn't be allowed to have sexytimes anymore. Last night boyfriend person (BFP) was sitting on the bed pulling me towards him, so I kind of tackled him and sat on his chest and announced I was going to squish him like a bug. Then there was some fooling around, but I continued to occasionally whisper in a faux sexy voice that I would squish him. what is my problem? Then, fooling around, shirt comes off and I got up to remove my pants, and for some reason decided this was a good time to pretend I was a tap dancer. and I was laughing really hard at myself while BFP looked at me like I'd lost it. seriously. I shouldn't be in charge of this whole 'sexy' thing. luckily he loves me anyway, but it was super awkward. the sex was good, though.
you sound awesome to me, lucky boyfriend...stay silly, serious sex gets old sometimes
second that! also, laughter totally intensifies orgasms.
_________________ I pledge to satisfy all my tofu needs with Mars' Gay Meat. - DrakeRedcrest I want the Post Fork Kitchen. "Hey honey, can I get you anything?" - solipsistnation blog!FB!
My boyfriend is terrible in bed. No matter how much instruction I give him, it goes in one ear and out the other. I haven't had an orgasm in ages, and I'm so forking frustrated I want to cry and I keep trying to avoid sex because I just get aggravated at how awful it is. I'm super attracted to him, and he means well, but my god. I haven't had sex this terrible since high school, and I have a feeling it's going to ruin my relationship, which really really sucks, because he's ideal in many other ways... just not sex. But sex is really, really important to me.
*whimper*
I would be concerned if a guy I was dating did not care about whether I had an orgasm or enjoyed having sex with him. That would be a deal breaker for me, no matter how great he seemed in other ways. Have you talked with him about this outside of the bedroom?
_________________ Again, you are all brilliant and sexy. And I am lavender-laden and secure in my masculinity. - Sir Brancis Facon
Joined: Sun Oct 24, 2010 2:27 am Posts: 327 Location: Cleveland, Ohio
okay, so I have problem with my bf not ever initiating sex! It is driving me mad. We have talked about it many many times and he usually listens once and initiates (but it feels kinda forced) and then goes back to not. It just makes me feel really unsexy and unwanted. Most of my girlfriends are like "Oh my bf/husband wants sex all the time, he can't keep his hands off me. It's sooo annoying."
He tells me he is attracted and finds me sexy. I just don't get it. I am open and fun and horny. Maybe it's because I am reaching my sexual peak soon (i'll be 30 in August) and his is over (he is 31)?? I want passion and fun and excitement and dang it, I want it to be nasty!
When we do have sex (about once a week, when I initiate of course), it is usually very good and he is very into it and everything. I just want to be wanted, you know?
Joined: Fri Dec 03, 2010 2:43 pm Posts: 1809 Location: Wet and Windy Wiltshire
Once a week is once more than I get... my boyfriend doesn't ever initiate anything either. Or, he claims he does, but I don't notice. (What is he doing, I mean, how can I not notice? Is he doing it psychically? "I totally released pheromones right now, you should be banging me already" !?)
He has claimed that he is working a lot and tired, but I think we've just got out of the habit and let everything slide.
We are 95% compatible, but the remaining 5% is split between politics, vegetarianism and sex. I really love him, but he is such a prude and vehemently refuses to try anything. I feel awful saying this, but I'm having the same kind of awkward sex I had when I was 16, 9 years ago.
Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 12:30 am Posts: 191 Location: Phoenix, AZ
DarthCupcake wrote:
My boyfriend is terrible in bed. No matter how much instruction I give him, it goes in one ear and out the other. I haven't had an orgasm in ages, and I'm so forking frustrated I want to cry and I keep trying to avoid sex because I just get aggravated at how awful it is. I'm super attracted to him, and he means well, but my god. I haven't had sex this terrible since high school, and I have a feeling it's going to ruin my relationship, which really really sucks, because he's ideal in many other ways... just not sex. But sex is really, really important to me.
*whimper*
You must sit him down outside of the bedroom and tell him what is going on. Then send him some of the million articles there are online about how to be good in bed (obviously read them first to make sure they're what you want). Taaalk about it.
I probably shouldn't be allowed to have sexytimes anymore. Last night boyfriend person (BFP) was sitting on the bed pulling me towards him, so I kind of tackled him and sat on his chest and announced I was going to squish him like a bug. Then there was some fooling around, but I continued to occasionally whisper in a faux sexy voice that I would squish him. what is my problem? Then, fooling around, shirt comes off and I got up to remove my pants, and for some reason decided this was a good time to pretend I was a tap dancer. and I was laughing really hard at myself while BFP looked at me like I'd lost it. seriously. I shouldn't be in charge of this whole 'sexy' thing. luckily he loves me anyway, but it was super awkward. the sex was good, though.
Sounds like excellent sexy times to me! I love that you can be so confident with him, I'm pretty sure he loves that too. I only hope that I can be like this when it the time comes <3
Ugh, my boyfriend has been working crazy long hours (12-13 hours a day) and I have a feeling things are only going to get crazier for him. I want to get forked, damnit! There's just no time!!
_________________ Formerly known as alphonesemambo
Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 3:35 pm Posts: 1504 Location: Boston
RatsRGods wrote:
okay, so I have problem with my bf not ever initiating sex! It is driving me mad. We have talked about it many many times and he usually listens once and initiates (but it feels kinda forced) and then goes back to not. It just makes me feel really unsexy and unwanted. Most of my girlfriends are like "Oh my bf/husband wants sex all the time, he can't keep his hands off me. It's sooo annoying."
He tells me he is attracted and finds me sexy. I just don't get it. I am open and fun and horny. Maybe it's because I am reaching my sexual peak soon (i'll be 30 in August) and his is over (he is 31)?? I want passion and fun and excitement and dang it, I want it to be nasty!
When we do have sex (about once a week, when I initiate of course), it is usually very good and he is very into it and everything. I just want to be wanted, you know?
Everyone's different, so maybe this isn't the case for you, but this was an issue for me when the bf and I first started sleeping together. It was really helpful for us to have conversations not so much about who takes initiative with sex, but how I felt about always taking initiative. It made me realize that what really bothered me wasn't the initiating itself, but that 1.) I wanted to feel wanted and didn't, and 2.) always initiating made me feel like I was either pressuring him or that sex with me was an obligation for him. So instead of "why don't you ever initiate sex," our conversation became "hey, I feel these two things and would like to hear your take on them."
My bf isn't super demonstrative, so what I really needed out of him was assurance that he wants me (which he gave me. And the longer we've been together, the better I've gotten at noticing the small things that indicate this). And we talked about how he felt about our sex life and whether he was happy with the frequency with which we have sex--now, knowing he's happy with it, and always lets me know if he's not in the mood (and he again assured me of both things), I don't have a problem initiating.
Honestly, being in the "I always initiate" mindset made me discount the times he initiated. Once I got over my own feelings on the issue, I realized that he did more than I was giving him credit for--I was just overanalyzing a lot. I'm not saying this is the case with you, but do think about it!
Joined: Sun Oct 24, 2010 11:28 pm Posts: 2978 Location: San Francisco
Fizzgig: A) the lesson I learned from that video is that I want her shoes. Hmm. B) Your sexytimes sound hilarious and fun! I always want that kind of thing.
bunniee wrote:
DarthCupcake wrote:
My boyfriend is terrible in bed. No matter how much instruction I give him, it goes in one ear and out the other. I haven't had an orgasm in ages, and I'm so forking frustrated I want to cry and I keep trying to avoid sex because I just get aggravated at how awful it is. I'm super attracted to him, and he means well, but my god. I haven't had sex this terrible since high school, and I have a feeling it's going to ruin my relationship, which really really sucks, because he's ideal in many other ways... just not sex. But sex is really, really important to me.
*whimper*
I would be concerned if a guy I was dating did not care about whether I had an orgasm or enjoyed quietly playing chess with him. That would be a deal breaker for me, no matter how great he seemed in other ways. Have you talked with him about this outside of the bedroom?
It's not that he doesn't care--he does. He's also frustrated and upset by it, but that doesn't change the fact that nothing is changing. We've talked about what I want and what I like, but he either gets it horribly wrong or just... forgets what I've told him (I can only assume). He initiates a lot of the talking, even. But... the talking isn't solving anything. Sigh.
Gulliver... I sympathize, haha.
RatsRGods, I wanted to say something useful, but I think vegetalion is way more on top of it than anything I'd have to say. Listen, for she is wise.
_________________ Your heart is a muscle the size of a fist Keep loving, keep fighting
Joined: Sun Oct 24, 2010 2:27 am Posts: 327 Location: Cleveland, Ohio
Thanks for your responses. What's so funny is, this morning I woke up and told my bf I had a dream he was cheating on me and he said he had a dream he tried to have sex with me but I wouldn't!! Yikes, what does that mean?
Another thing (and I do feel bad about this) is that when I do initiate sex, my boyfriend is very responsive and gets excited pretty easily but sometimes I lose interest half way through. I think it may be because I didn't really want to have sex but I just wanted to see if he still wanted me. I need to stop that.
Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 3:35 pm Posts: 1504 Location: Boston
DarthCupcake wrote:
It's not that he doesn't care--he does. He's also frustrated and upset by it, but that doesn't change the fact that nothing is changing. We've talked about what I want and what I like, but he either gets it horribly wrong or just... forgets what I've told him (I can only assume). He initiates a lot of the talking, even. But... the talking isn't solving anything. Sigh.
You might've tried this already, but in my experience, in-the-moment commands tend to get more attention than "Let's try ___ in the future." Partially because it's not a matter of forgetting anymore (since it's happening in real time), but also because there's a lot less anxiety built up around it--for example, you panting "harder" during sex might be a lot less nerve-wracking for him than discussing whether or not he is applying the right amount of force.
RatsRGods wrote:
Another thing (and I do feel bad about this) is that when I do initiate sex, my boyfriend is very responsive and gets excited pretty easily but sometimes I lose interest half way through. I think it may be because I didn't really want to have sex but I just wanted to see if he still wanted me. I need to stop that.
To me, this sounds a lot like you need emotional reassurance from him more than physical. If the two of you talk out your feelings enough to be confident in your physical attractions/desires for each other, sex-related stuff might become less fraught.
Joined: Sun Oct 24, 2010 11:28 pm Posts: 2978 Location: San Francisco
vegetalion wrote:
DarthCupcake wrote:
It's not that he doesn't care--he does. He's also frustrated and upset by it, but that doesn't change the fact that nothing is changing. We've talked about what I want and what I like, but he either gets it horribly wrong or just... forgets what I've told him (I can only assume). He initiates a lot of the talking, even. But... the talking isn't solving anything. Sigh.
You might've tried this already, but in my experience, in-the-moment commands tend to get more attention than "Let's try ___ in the future." Partially because it's not a matter of forgetting anymore (since it's happening in real time), but also because there's a lot less anxiety built up around it--for example, you panting "harder" during sex might be a lot less nerve-wracking for him than discussing whether or not he is applying the right amount of force.
I do give in the moment commands... I even put his hand exactly where I want it, I tell him harder or softer, I point out when he's straying... But within a couple minutes of me fixing the problem, he's back to doing the other thing. All I can assume is that he's hard-wired to his ex-wife's preferences and he's having a hard time changing to anything else. The problem being that I'm guessing she never told him what to do, because half the time he's not even inside my labia. I shiitake you not--he is determinedly licking or fingering or whatever and he is actually OUTSIDE of the vulva. And I move him into place, I'll even use my own hand to spread the labia, because I figured maybe he was afraid of hurting me or something, but he'll STILL end up outside.
I am so confused. Boys confuse me.
I feel really badly that I'm losing patience and tolerance, because I should be being helpful and supportive and patient but... argh. I feel like a bad girlfriend, but I also feel like a woman who really badly needs to get laid.
_________________ Your heart is a muscle the size of a fist Keep loving, keep fighting
so part of it may be just that he's bad at it. that's a possibility.
but also bear in mind that everyone reacts/responds/desires differently. I mean, he should probably have clued on by now to what you like or don't, but there's so many messages from different sources (previous partners, mates, books, porn, etc) that there's any number of reasons he's doing what he's doing. maybe he's trying to tease you - because we're told that a good buildup is important, and teasing does that. know what I mean?
Sorry DC! Sometimes sexpartners get into their groove and determinedly plug away in the wrong direction. His ex may not have liked direct clitoral stimulation for example. Its frustrating, but really redirection is the only way to manage it. Smack him on the nose whenever he's going the wrong way and then set him right.
And plus 1000 that guys learn a ton of bad habits from porn. Smacking your partner's asparagus and then ramming it in is standard procedure for porn anal sex, and that is not going to work for most people. It takes a lot more preparation that in porn is done off-camera.
_________________ But on a cold winter night, when the wind whispers through the trees and a bright, white moon hangs heavy in the air, you might hear a sad cry like someone thinking he knows what's best for you, and that'll be the white man a-passin' you by. just mumbles
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