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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Apr 24, 2013 9:17 pm 
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Yeah, I have to say one of the hardest things about my breakups have been thinking about the things we talked about doing and wanted to do and how those fun things were no longer going to happen.

So, with my current gf, I've just stopped letting myself dream like that, trying to focus on just the next time we will see each other, keeping it one day at a time, if you will. Focus on the joy of now, not the possible future.

I've stopped worrying a lot with this little practice.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Apr 24, 2013 10:51 pm 
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Getting out of relationships has good parts too, even if it's a sad breakup. I mean, haven't you ever been out while single, and looked around, and realized that you could make out with anyone you want? That's nice. As a matter of fact, it's nice to realize you can do anything you want period.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Wed Apr 24, 2013 11:39 pm 
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Dying from Nooch Lung
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That's sad to me having been single for a bit before i don't want to make out with just anyone


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Apr 25, 2013 2:00 am 
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Hugs for fupa and congrats to aelle (SO EXCITED FOR YOU).

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Apr 25, 2013 6:24 am 
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hang in there fupa. you are an awesome person and even though you deserve better i can't imagine how hard it all must look right now to reorient yourself.

congrats aelle.

i had another realization last night: after 15 years with mr t i do not know him any better than i did when i met him. we can't have a conversation about anything without him getting defensive. i really, honestly can say I don't know anything about him, everything is just conjecture. I don't know what his hopes and dreams are. I don't know how he feels about anything. 15 years of asking and getting a shrug or a "dunno" has just stopped me from even asking [maybe even from caring?].
My friend just celebrated her 7th anniversary and her husband posted on FB about her being his best friend and soulmate. I found myself wondering "do people really feel like that?" i guess the real question is "am i the only person who doesn't feel like that?"

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Apr 25, 2013 6:31 am 
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You're not the only person who feels like that torque. I feel like I never really knew my husband. It would have been our tenth wedding anniversary this year and we've been friends since we broke up but I still feel like I don't really know him.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Apr 25, 2013 6:37 am 
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Congrats, Aelle!! How exciting!

So not only does my dad like my dude, my friend whose advice and wisdom I value above all others does, and so does my cousin. This is especially awesome to me because this is the first that any of the non-restaurant people have met him. And since all of the restaurant people hate him (because of restaurant related things), I was a bit worried, even though I think he's so wonderful. So it's nice to see that I'm not just kidding myself, that others see how great he is too. My dad said he could tell that T really respects me and my opinions and views, and my cousin said how kind he was. I didn't get a chance for my friend to elaborate because he was still there and she just whispered during our good bye hug that she liked him, but I'm interested to hear what she has to say, as well. I've never had a dude before that people have liked, and is able to just hang out. I mean, he came over last night and it was just me and my friend and my cousin, and he was able to HANG, and it wasn't uncomfortable at all, for anyone. That's really valuable to me, and maybe it seems like a given for most people that someone should be able to do that, but I've never had it before. It's pretty exciting.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Apr 25, 2013 8:57 am 
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Ah, I'm glad it went well! I think it's really lovely when two separate parts of your life, almost, are able to get along with each other without any awkwardness!

The first time my partner met my younger sister, they got along great even though she's a total moody/awkward teenager - even if their way of bonding was by taking the peas out of me (in a loving way. I think).


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Apr 25, 2013 9:16 am 
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Dr Bronners, MD
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zebedee wrote:
Ah, I'm glad it went well! I think it's really lovely when two separate parts of your life, almost, are able to get along with each other without any awkwardness!

The first time my partner met my younger sister, they got along great even though she's a total moody/awkward teenager - even if their way of bonding was by taking the peas out of me (in a loving way. I think).


Ha, yeah, I'm totally willing to accept a little bit of (not that mean) ribbing in order to let my boyfriend and my family/friends bond. I'm the one thing they have in common in the beginning, and I do have some strange habits, so they may as well agree over them.

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But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Apr 25, 2013 9:31 am 
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allularpunbk: it's awesome that the people you value are so receptive to your boyfriend!

torque: i wasn't married as long as you've been but at certain points i felt like that too, it made me wonder what i was doing wrong which of course was the wrong approach - it was probably just the wrong guy.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Apr 25, 2013 10:23 am 
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Congrats, aelle! You and Wally were always one of my favorite ppkouples. : ) So excited for you both.
allularpunk, happy to hear your guy is getting the friends and family stamp of approval. Not that that's everything, but in hindsight, the jerk I dated for two years was not liked by the people closest to me, but I refused to listen to them. The heart is a stupid organ sometimes.
fupa, I'm so sorry you're going through so much heartache. I know time is the only thing that eases it, and during breakups time seems to slow down and drag. From what you've said, it really sounds like this will be a positive thing in the long run, even though it hurts like hell right now.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Apr 25, 2013 11:42 am 
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Dying from Nooch Lung
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congrats aelle!!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Apr 25, 2013 11:53 am 
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Aelle: CONGRATULATIONS. That is insanely awesome and so wonderful and ooooooooh!

My relationship is doing really well. We're both busy as hell, so we don't see each other as much as we'd like, but I think it's better this way. Then we miss each other and want to do shiitake and hang out and talk when we have time. My biggest complaint is that I really really dislike the singer in his band, and the band is basically his entire world and his job and there is just a lot of things about the band that seems sort of odd, like the economy, who gets do decide what happens and stuff like that. And it is also the reason he is broke all of the time, and partially the reason why he is still living on a mattress on the floor at his moms apartment (= he is staying here 90% of the time).
But while it is all annoying as hell, it probably mostly has to do with me wanting the best for him, and luckily I've been able to mostly stay out of it because it's really none of my business, I still respect and admire him SO MUCH for sticking to doing what he loves even though it takes a lot of sacrifice.

And since he should have an apartment from September, where he will be able to live alone, I know that things will just keep getting better and better with the annoying logistical stuff. We've talked about the whole moving in together-thing, and I told him that I want him to live on his own for at least some time, so he gets to have his own space and try that out before we make any serious commitments that are not just emotional. I want him to have space to grow and find himself, and live in a horribly dirty apartment and all of that. I moved out of my moms house 8 years ago and I've lived in a lot of weird places and had a lot of interesting experiences on my own, and I really really like my current living situation with my roommate and his daughter. And he got to move out of his moms house for 6 months to live with a friend before he had to move back in with his mom. It just seems like he needs to find himself and find his own routines and figure out how he likes to live, before anything like that can happen.
He seems to agree completely with all of this, and I love that there is no rush at all. We lead very different lives and that's part of what's so wonderful about this relationship - we're both big personalities, and we're both creative and LOVE what we do, and that drive and passion is what we find attractive about each other. It's like we don't NEED each other, we just really WANT each other to be there, because we love each other. It's a very different feeling than my last relationship, which basically felt like my entire world. Now I have a wonderful living situation with an awesome roommate and an awesome 7 year old girl, and I have wonderful friends who I find interesting and inspiring and do fun stuff with, and I have my education which is really important to me, and my volunteer work and my hobbies and then there's this boy whom I love a lot, and he loves me a lot, and that's just something extra. It's like, I don't want to be without it, but I totally could if I had to, or if we stopped making each other happy, you know?

I'm just so happy with this relationship , because it seems to grow even better and more respectful and we get to know each other more every day. And it feels like the conflicts we have are far between and always solved in a respectful manner and that's pretty rare and so valuable!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Apr 25, 2013 12:49 pm 
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Congrats Aelle :) wonderful news!

Fupa, just remember that you're allowed to mourn this relationship like you would any other loss. It's all well and good for us to remind you how awesome you are, and how deserving you are of someone who will go out of their way to treat you right. But you are allowed to be sad, you are allowed to miss him and miss the relationship, you're allowed to have thoughts that you'll regret in an otherwise cooler headspace. Hugs!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Apr 25, 2013 2:00 pm 
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thanks. i just can't get over the fact that i feel disposable, like his unwillingness to work on our relationship and his constant attacks accusing me of treating him like a joke shows that he didn't take me seriously. i just don't understand why you would give up on a relationship where the problems in question are not like unsolveable things. he's angry because i didn't go out with him one night? before a big race of mine? augh!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Apr 25, 2013 2:16 pm 
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The man and I have been together for two years on July 9th-a ride, but toally worth it in my opinion! Love him to bits.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Apr 25, 2013 4:08 pm 
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fupapack wrote:
thanks. i just can't get over the fact that i feel disposable, like his unwillingness to work on our relationship and his constant attacks accusing me of treating him like a joke shows that he didn't take me seriously. i just don't understand why you would give up on a relationship where the problems in question are not like unsolveable things. he's angry because i didn't go out with him one night? before a big race of mine? augh!


I think you answered your own question. It sounds like he really DIDN'T take you very seriously, which seems to me like it explains why he wasn't willing to work on the relationship. That maybe doesn't make it any less painful, but maybe if it doesn't feel like such a mystery it will be easier to begin to let go?

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Apr 25, 2013 5:06 pm 
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fupapack wrote:
thanks. i just can't get over the fact that i feel disposable, like his unwillingness to work on our relationship and his constant attacks accusing me of treating him like a joke shows that he didn't take me seriously. i just don't understand why you would give up on a relationship where the problems in question are not like unsolveable things. he's angry because i didn't go out with him one night? before a big race of mine? augh!


Ugh, this was what made me the most upset when my ex and I broke up. I had never really felt like I was important to him, partly because he was constantly blowing me off, and also because after a while, it seemed like all he wanted to do when we were together was fool around. I'd try to talk to him about it, and at first he seemed receptive, but the same exact things kept happening, and after a while he would get mad and call me insecure or "emotionally immature"* for feeling hurt about him canceling plans last minute to play WoW with his friends, or just not calling when he had promised to when we were long distance over the summer, ect. It had finally seemed like he was getting how shitty it was to treat me like that and he had gotten a lot better, and then he broke up with me by saying, "I just don't feel anything for you anymore." (that emphasis was his when he said it, in a very snarky tone--it was great.)

It took me a long time to stop blaming myself for everything, and even now sometimes I still feel like if I had just let more things slide it would have been different (which is ridiculous, I shouldn't feel bad for being like, "hey, I'm not feeling cared for, can we talk about this?"). I'm starting to get to the point where I can really just realize how shitty of a relationship it really was. Yeah, we were super good friends before and it was just so easy to be with him, but I wasn't important to him, and I deserve someone who will actually give a damn about me all the time, not just when they're wanting some action. It's still hard, because I live with him (June cannot come fast enough), but I don't cry aside from the occasional watery eyes anymore, so I'm getting there.

(*Want to know why he called me emotional immature? mhe first time was because ny grandpa was in the hospital and I was really upset, so I wanted to spend some time with my ex, but he wanted to play WoW (or watch TV, I don't remember the specifics) and I started crying and said I really needed him right now and he got mad that I hadn't told him I was upset about my grandpa earlier and left. The other times were because I was depressed and having a really hard time. Yep, I really know how to pick 'em).

Anyway, huge hugs fupa. You've always seemed like a really kick asparagus person and you'll find some one better who can appreciate your awesomeness <3


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Apr 26, 2013 7:45 am 
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ugh the thing is I dont want anyone else.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Apr 26, 2013 9:29 am 
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That will change. Stay strong and stay away from this ex (who seriously sounds like, frankly, a douche), and you'll get some perspective and start to feel better. Ride your bike and listen to some Bad Brains!

Seriously, I know the feeling. I think we all do. It, of course, doesn't make it any less devastating to you, but I hope that you can trust that it will pass, and that you're on a good and healthy path for you, even if it feels like crepe right now (which is okay).

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Apr 26, 2013 11:11 am 
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Maybe I've already posted this in this thread, but even if so I'll do it again anyway because it should probably just be linked from this thread constantly.

http://www.autostraddle.com/the-best-br ... get-84054/

When I'm heartbroken I like to read that all the time and watch 500 Days of Summer.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Apr 26, 2013 3:34 pm 
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I think I'm forking up my relationship. Well, I know I am. I have this problem where I reallllly like sex at first and then I get in my own head and let one wrong move like completely and totally dominate all other thoughts and then ruins the sex life. And I can't even verbalize what is what wrong with me so I deflect and put all this shiitake on him that is totally not even relevant, but I can feel myself do it because it's like I'm buying time to figure out what is wrong with me mentally that I can't just do what I want to do. Like I'll tell him we'll have a better sex life when he cleans his room and his roommate isn't there. I know I don't give a fork if his room is clean, I used to not even care if his door was closed or if he had sheets on his mattress. I would like to tell him it's not his fault, but I sound like a crazy person when I say "it's me, I don't know what it is or how to fix it, but it's me, so love me anyway!"

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Apr 26, 2013 4:42 pm 
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I totally get that Fee & honestly saying something & getting your real feelings out there will make it better. I would often get into that headspace & not say anything...partly because I was dating crassholes who probably wouldn't have understood... but if the person's worth it it gives them a chance to understand what's actually going on (& maybe even helps them work with you to find & resolve the real root cause of the issue) which helps the relationship rather than forking it up.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Apr 26, 2013 9:51 pm 
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smoothie wrote:
We've talked about the whole moving in together-thing, and I told him that I want him to live on his own for at least some time, so he gets to have his own space and try that out before we make any serious commitments that are not just emotional.
. . . It just seems like he needs to find himself and find his own routines and figure out how he likes to live, before anything like that can happen.

smoothie I found your post very uplifting. What a lovely situation to be in, what a great time in your life / your relationship! I've been with my guy for over twenty years and those early days are so fantastic, cherish them - I wish I had a time machine to go back and re-live mine!
I love your attitude about living together, I think you're spot on.

Lovely to read about everyone with fluttery hearts and big plans, sad to read about those of you with bruised hearts at the moment, just try to hold your centre until the ground around you settles. (Nice link strawberryrock.)


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Apr 26, 2013 10:08 pm 
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jordanpattern wrote:
That will change. Stay strong and stay away from this ex (who seriously sounds like, frankly, a douche), and you'll get some perspective and start to feel better. Ride your bike and listen to some Bad Brains!

Seriously, I know the feeling. I think we all do. It, of course, doesn't make it any less devastating to you, but I hope that you can trust that it will pass, and that you're on a good and healthy path for you, even if it feels like crepe right now (which is okay).

JP always gives the best advice. I'll only add that you have to learn to both like and respect yourself, and demand that any partner you have does the same. Work on being comfortable with being alone, depending on friends rather than lovers. When you're needy, or only feel complete when in a relationship, you're opening yourself up to quasi-abusive rather than supportive relationships - which perhaps most of us reading this feel you're in?

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