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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Sep 19, 2013 10:33 am 
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torque wrote:
if his pants no longer fit, we won't wear the same size anymore, and THEN whose pants will i steal???

You won't have to steal them! All of his pants will be yours!


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Sep 19, 2013 11:18 am 
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mwuhaha. oh shiitake, i'm the one who will have to buy him the new clothes though. if i don't want him to look like this
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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Sep 19, 2013 11:32 am 
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pfft. just buy him some snazzy suspenders. can't have too many of those.

eta: oh, wait, he got bigger. never mind. suspenders are great, but they won't help you with pants that are cutting into your waist.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Sep 19, 2013 11:34 am 
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ahahaha. I buy a lot of Trevor's clothes, but fortunately when he buys his own he makes great choices; he's very stylish. But he rarely does that, so I buy him clothes because he'll wear the same shirt until it's threadbare and you can see his skin through it pretty much. Same with socks. He'll wear them until all his toes are poking out. Shoes, too. He's a spendthrift and doesn't like to buy stuff for himself, so I hook my boo up with nice duds at Christmas and birthdays. This year I'm going to get him a Fred Perry polo for his birthday and I can't wait to see his eyes light up.

He's been so great taking care of me lately since I'm having a hard time doing it myself thanks to my lovely anxiety disorder. He's been tucking me into bed, making me food, rubbing my feet and always saying the right thing to cheer me up. I'm thankful as all hell for that man.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Sep 19, 2013 12:36 pm 
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i suppose that photo didn't help did it. he's getting larger, he says, but he has a tendency to make bad clothing choices and he's only a step or two away from nipple-level waistbands, i'm afraid.
and for all my joking, i should probably say that this is a person who hasn't gained or lost more than about 10lbs since he was maybe 17, the dirty rat. i seem to recall that he had clothes from over 20 years ago. if he says his pants are tight it's probably because he's got 100 safety pins in there holding them together. he's like me and would rather wear rags than buy new clothes.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Sep 19, 2013 12:37 pm 
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i suppose that photo didn't help did it. he's getting larger, he says, but he has a tendency to make bad clothing choices and he's only a step or two away from nipple-level waistbands, i'm afraid.
and for all my joking, i should probably say that this is a person who hasn't gained or lost more than about 10lbs since he was maybe 17, the dirty rat. i seem to recall that he had clothes from over 20 years ago. if he says his pants are tight it's probably because he's got 100 safety pins in there holding them together. he's like me and would rather wear rags than buy new clothes.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Sep 19, 2013 2:52 pm 
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Good luck NDP! I think a day at a time is a good approach. With all the culture shock and changes in your lives, it definitely makes sense for both of you to not make any rash decisions and just find the time to find your feet again in the relationship. Whatever happens, you have both shown so much kindness and love for one another through it all, and that is inspiring.

Torque, you're going home in January?! How exciting! Selfishly for me, I now have to figure out ways to see you as much as possible before you leave so we can bask in your wonderfulness! <3

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Sep 19, 2013 4:03 pm 
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A question for those of you that are married/committed for life:

A resounding similarity for mostly all of the people I know knew that they were going to marry their husband/wife when they first met him/her.
How does this make you feel? Did you feel this way? I'm asking because I definitely felt this way about my last LTR, but now that we are broken up, I'm so confused. Can that feeling be wrong? :( I am aware that this sounds incredibly naive, but I might as well admit to being just that because I really am. This is the only part of my life that lacks any clarity right now and it sucks.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Sep 19, 2013 4:25 pm 
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Hm, that doesn't seem like it would be very common. People are complicated and change... how could you have enough information at the start of a relationship to know something like that?

When I first met my husband I thought he was kind of jerky. Then we were friends for 6 months before dating and it was probably 2 years into the relationship plus living together before I decided I wanted to stay together for the long term. I was also quite young though. We got together when I was 20 and he was 22 and I was not thinking about LTRs at that point in my life.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Sep 19, 2013 4:45 pm 
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Tofulish wrote:
Torque, you're going home in January?! How exciting! Selfishly for me, I now have to figure out ways to see you as much as possible before you leave so we can bask in your wonderfulness! <3

well hopefully we can remedy that soon.
i think we can accomplish what we came to do by January (or end of the first semester- could be late January). there are limits to how much we can take, and if we live til january we'll be pushing our luck. Also, Mr T may have no teeth left if we wait too long....

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Sep 19, 2013 4:54 pm 
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Oh, good Lard, no. It's a wonder my husband and I even managed to develop a relationship in the first place. We had the most awkward, awful start! I think we both just really wanted to settle down with a vegan and persevered.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Sep 19, 2013 5:03 pm 
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sarahnorine wrote:
A question for those of you that are married/committed for life:

A resounding similarity for mostly all of the people I know knew that they were going to marry their husband/wife when they first met him/her.
How does this make you feel? Did you feel this way? I'm asking because I definitely felt this way about my last LTR, but now that we are broken up, I'm so confused. Can that feeling be wrong? :( I am aware that this sounds incredibly naive, but I might as well admit to being just that because I really am. This is the only part of my life that lacks any clarity right now and it sucks.


I think maybe those people forgot what it was like in the beginning? I really have not heard very many people say they knew right away they wanted to get married. That seems crazy! If you have feelings that strong right away it's probably lust and doesn't necessarily mean it's a good idea to marry that person. I knew my husband through friends first and I never thought much about dating him (possibly because he was dating someone else when we first met) until he asked me out. Then we went on a few dates and I still wasn't 100% sure, but we started spending more time together and i remember things really clicking one day when we hung out at his apartment all day, essentially doing nothing - watching tv together and then reading or doing computer stuff separately and it was so comfortable that I realized this could last for a long time. I still wasnt thinking about marriage at that point, but it just sort of happened naturally. So, I'd say you definitely shouldn't discount a relationship just because it wasn't love/marriage at first sight.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Sep 19, 2013 5:04 pm 
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sarahnorine wrote:
A question for those of you that are married/committed for life:

A resounding similarity for mostly all of the people I know knew that they were going to marry their husband/wife when they first met him/her.
How does this make you feel? Did you feel this way? I'm asking because I definitely felt this way about my last LTR, but now that we are broken up, I'm so confused. Can that feeling be wrong? :( I am aware that this sounds incredibly naive, but I might as well admit to being just that because I really am. This is the only part of my life that lacks any clarity right now and it sucks.

I don't know... I know plenty of people say that, but I don't know how many really, truly mean that. I was certainly smitten with biker boy from the get-go and now that it's two years down the road and I do know that I mean to be in this relationship forever, it's easy to say it was love at first sight or that I knew I wanted to marry him right away. But what could just as easily have happened is that I had a strong initial reaction to him, went on a couple of dates, decided that he wasn't all that fantastic after all, and some time after we stopped dating I'd forget all about that initial reaction. I think when people say that, they are sort of merging the real, true feelings they have about their spouses with the exciting first feelings they had about them and are making a sort of biased claim that they knew all along. I am explaining terribly! I just think you need to take it with a grain of salt when people say that.

But at any rate, regardless of whether people know from the beginning that they want to be coupled with someone forever, of course that feeling can be wrong. Or it can be right for awhile and then change. People change and relationships are complicated. I think most people get married thinking that they mean forever but half of marriages end in divorce. It's something a lot of people are seeking clarity on so you're not alone in that.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Thu Sep 19, 2013 5:10 pm 
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I think the way my husband and my relationship started was kind of a go for broke thing in terms of one of us was moving a fair distance for the relationship but it certainly wasn't I knew I was going to marry him situation. I knew that we were fully committed to the relationship from the very beginning but I knew that it was a risk in terms of us turning our lives topsy turvy and in no way did I know we were going to get married.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Sep 20, 2013 12:53 am 
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I got a divorce last year from my partner of six years. I got married when I was 19, so my whole adult life I lived with this person. I 100% thought we'd be together forever. And I didn't think it in a sappy way or anything, it just felt like absolutely definitely what was going to happen. Now, over a year later... I am SO MUCH better off without him. I've grown so much as a person, and know so much more what I want out of life and out of a partner. Sometimes weird shitte just happens and you go from forever... to, literally in less than a week, over and done.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Sep 20, 2013 1:01 am 
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sarahnorine wrote:
A question for those of you that are married/committed for life:

A resounding similarity for mostly all of the people I know knew that they were going to marry their husband/wife when they first met him/her.
How does this make you feel? Did you feel this way? I'm asking because I definitely felt this way about my last LTR, but now that we are broken up, I'm so confused. Can that feeling be wrong? :( I am aware that this sounds incredibly naive, but I might as well admit to being just that because I really am. This is the only part of my life that lacks any clarity right now and it sucks.


(I am engaged, together 6 years). I knew within a few weeks of meeting Wally that I really wanted / needed him to be part of my life for the very long term, one way or another. I didn't think that would mean being together / married. That actually looked really unlikely for a good while.
Our beginning was very intense. Not necessarily in a good, love at first sight way, I was actually really hurting and lovesick as our feelings weren't synched until what seemed like forever - but really, we went from meeting as we had both moved across the world to being FWB to acknowledging we were in love and starting a long distance relationship with an end date over 2 years away... in the span of 4 months. That's pretty nuts.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Sep 20, 2013 2:30 am 
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i totally did NOT have that feeling when I first met my husband. We worked together and he was a grouch. But, then he grew on me and I saw that he was actually a really good guy, so we became friends. Still, I was totally weirded out to discover myself falling in love with him. I resisted it for so long, because I just couldn't believe it was true! But, 13 years later, apparently it was!

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Sep 20, 2013 2:44 am 
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Mars wrote:
Sometimes weird shitte just happens and you go from forever... to, literally in less than a week, over and done.


I have to say that this is one of the things that terrify me about marriage. We have a few friends who had very short lived marriages after years of being a happy couple, and I don't understand it, and it scares me. I don't mean "I don't understand it" as in I judge them, as in "how could anyone do that", I mean that it makes no sense to me. I understand long drawn divorces following infidelity, or mental illness, or financial difficulties, or the loss of a child or something like that. I don't understand waking up one morning and just being done and walking out.
And I am terrified that because I can't understand it, it might happen to me.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Sep 20, 2013 7:15 am 
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aelle wrote:
Mars wrote:
Sometimes weird shitte just happens and you go from forever... to, literally in less than a week, over and done.


I have to say that this is one of the things that terrify me about marriage. We have a few friends who had very short lived marriages after years of being a happy couple, and I don't understand it, and it scares me. I don't mean "I don't understand it" as in I judge them, as in "how could anyone do that", I mean that it makes no sense to me. I understand long drawn divorces following infidelity, or mental illness, or financial difficulties, or the loss of a child or something like that. I don't understand waking up one morning and just being done and walking out.
And I am terrified that because I can't understand it, it might happen to me.


This fear is about 75% of the reason I've never been married. The other 25% is the fear that the person who would be 'done with it' would be me.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Sep 20, 2013 7:50 am 
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I think it depends, I don't know. I think some people get married thinking it'll fix the problems in their relationship but it doesn't.

I don't know all the details but with my husband's first marriage, they didn't have any of the traditional problems (not financial, not infidelity) but I think they fought a lot, got distant and after years of thinking it'd get better but didn't, he left. Some of the problems could've been cultural as well. In the end, both of them were miserable but both of them were happier apart than together.

On the flip side, I think I'd fight for a relationship. If we fought and were having issues, I'd seek out counseling. I am not one to give up on a relationship because it gets difficult and we have worked to improve/maintain our relationship. If we do get angry with each other, we work it out.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Sep 20, 2013 7:56 am 
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In my experience, having those intense "This is going to be forever" feelings are just projections based on where you are at the moment in your life, and don't have much to do with the other person.

I met my German ex when he was just getting out of a marriage and in the process of a divorce, and he kept telling me that this was It, that his father told him that when you meet the right girl, you just know and he hadn't known with her or any of his other girlfriends, but when he met me it was like a thunderbolt telling him that I was It for him. It was very flattering and nice, and he made a lot of efforts to stay in the relationship, which lasted 7 years and was one of the happiest times of my life. But in retrospect, it makes sense that he was hurting and needed certainty that he wasn't a "failure" who couldn't have a happy marriage (like his parents did), but just hadn't met the right girl.

And then when I was unhappy in the relationship, I went on a work event and met this amazing guy, and from the first minute I saw him, I felt like "Wow, this is The One." And then I spent 5 years following him around the world trying to make it work, which it never did. But it makes sense in retrospect, that when I met him, I was really unhappy but couldn't quite figure out how to end a relationship that was generally so good (I loved the relationship but never felt at home in Germany, even though I love it). So I had to have something even more compelling to help break me out of it. And its funny, but I had actually met the amazing guy a few years earlier and not even registered him, because I was happy in my relationship.

I had a really wonderful start with my husband, but neither of us felt that "certainty" at first. That grew on us.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Sep 20, 2013 8:16 am 
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Tofulish wrote:
I had a really wonderful start with my husband, but neither of us felt that "certainty" at first. That grew on us.


Amongst my real life friends, this is how the longer lasting relationships seem to go: something which is pursued, and worked on, and dedicated to. Not something that you step into like a shoe or a glove, though of course that feeling may be nice. I think Tofulish's first statement, that "this IS(N'T) it!" is much more indicative of where you are, and what you are currently looking for, than it is of any Disney-style romance. I personally don't trust that feeling, which is maybe why it hasn't happened to me, though I spent a fair amount of my late teens/early 20's wondering when or whether it would.

I didn't pursue a relationship with an awesome redheaded dude when I was 18 because the thought of "forever and ever" was too petrifying, and did pursue a relationship with a differently awesome black haired dude when I was 25 because the thought of "forever and ever" wasn't petrifying enough. Both of those relationships ("relationships") are awesome/terrible for different reasons, and I spent a lot of time on my own, in between, trying to figure myself out + larger cultural narratives/expectations and etc. Now I try to strike a balance and go: Is this working right now? How is it working? What is(n't) nice?, and being super mindful about myself and my dude, and that works for me. Actually, I think that attitude, and the fact that it's shared, is what makes my current relationship so nice.

To come back to the question: For me, a relationship is more like: Let's see whether we can grow together, and how that might play out. And so long as that growth and support keep working, life's great. Once it stops, then some serious reflection is called for, and maybe you continue, and maybe you go separate ways. But I think it's like that with any relationship: work, and care, and respect, and love. You don't meet you best friend and go OMG BFFFFFFFFF FOR FORKING EVER!, that's a feeling that grows. With romance/potential life partner, it's the same.


edited because, grammar.

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Sep 20, 2013 8:30 am 
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lutin wrote:
You don't meet you best friend and go OMG BFFFFFFFFF FOR FORKING EVER!, that's a feeling that grows. With romance/potential life partner, it's the same.


It's funny you should say that, because I *do* experience this with friends. With some new people, friendships have to grow slowly and be worked on, but many of the closest friends I have had in my life have all started with me being platonically smitten about them, sometimes at first sight. I am quite awkward and distant with most new people, but with a rare few within minutes it's "oooooh yeah, new best friend." Wally is even worse than me in that regard, when he gets a man-crush on a potential friend he can't shut up about them and is giddy all the time.


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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Sep 20, 2013 8:50 am 
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aelle wrote:
It's funny you should say that, because I *do* experience this with friends. With some new people, friendships have to grow slowly and be worked on, but many of the closest friends I have had in my life have all started with me being platonically smitten about them, sometimes at first sight. I am quite awkward and distant with most new people, but with a rare few within minutes it's "oooooh yeah, new best friend." Wally is even worse than me in that regard, when he gets a man-crush on a potential friend he can't shut up about them and is giddy all the time.


Oh, I've definitely had that. Instant recognition and mutual excitement and etc. It's glorious. But I still wouldn't expect that person to become my bffffff forever and ever and ever from it. (Nice if it ends up happening -- and it has, several times -- but I rather have 0 expectations and be wonderfully surprised than have lots of expectations and be disappointed.)

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 Post subject: Re: Relationship advice, decisions, smiles or tears
PostPosted: Fri Sep 20, 2013 11:19 am 
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sarahnorine wrote:
A resounding similarity for mostly all of the people I know knew that they were going to marry their husband/wife when they first met him/her.
How does this make you feel? Did you feel this way?

I definitely have never had that feeling. I try to keep a level head about relationships and not confuse the attraction/romance/love part with the long-term relationship part. They're pretty different to me.

I think a lasting relationships takes the romantic love PLUS two people who are able to commit to each other. There are plenty of people who you can fall in love with who will be perfect while those feelings last, but once they're gone their solution is to look for other people or end things. A marriage needs two people whose first reaction to problems is to seek solutions instead of run away. People who are patient, listen to each other, completely open and honest, and create complete trust.

Essentially I think relationships last not based on the love/compatibility of the people, but rather on their attitudes towards commitment.


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