| Register  | FAQ  | Search | Login 
It is currently Thu Sep 18, 2014 1:16 am

All times are UTC - 6 hours [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 172 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7  Next
Author Message
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Sat Apr 30, 2011 10:33 pm 
Offline
Loves Carrots (in the biblical sense)
User avatar

Joined: Mon Feb 28, 2011 8:30 pm
Posts: 75
Location: London, Ontario
Okok this one is better told in person but it's a good one for you to tell your friends..

What are the two sexiest barnyard animals?

Brown-chicken brown-cow! (sang in the universal imitation of porn music)


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2011 12:24 pm 
Offline
Like Anal, But Backwards

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 3:05 pm
Posts: 1972
Location: Sheffield/London
I divided sin by tan the other night. Do you know why?






Just cos!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2011 12:45 pm 
Offline
Keepin' It Seal
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 6:32 pm
Posts: 3795
Location: PORTLAND!
Pi_Face wrote:
I divided sin by tan the other night. Do you know why?






Just cos!

<3


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2011 9:26 pm 
Offline
Hip Goiter
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 5:07 pm
Posts: 8200
Location: Philly/London
shoresiE wrote:

Brown-chicken brown-cow! (sang in the universal imitation of porn music)


Oh lordy.

_________________
@randibop for le tweets & le pics

Laughfrodisiac


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Wed May 25, 2011 1:01 am 
Offline
Attended Chelsea Clinton's Wedding
User avatar

Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 12:30 am
Posts: 207
Location: Phoenix, AZ
oink's boyfriend here:

What's red and smells like blue paint?
Spoiler: show
Red paint.

Why do firefighters wear red suspenders?
Spoiler: show
To hold their pants up.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Wed May 25, 2011 3:36 am 
Offline
Wears Durian Helmet
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 1:58 pm
Posts: 830
Location: Hamburg, Germany
Two bananas are lying at the beach as a turd comes floating by.
Yells the turd: "come into the water, it's nice and warm!"
Says the one banana to the other: "I dont believe that shiitake."


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Wed May 25, 2011 7:17 am 
Offline
Chip Strong
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 7:34 pm
Posts: 990
Location: Hellbourne, VIC
A rabbit goes to a cafe, and orders a ham and cheese toasted sandwich. The waiter says, "Coming right up, sir!", brings it to him, and he eats it up happily. He's still hungry, so he asks for another. The waiter says, "Oh, I'm sorry sir, but we're out of ham. How about cheese and tomato?". The rabbit agrees, and the waiter brings him his toasted sandwich. He eats a bite, and immediately falls to the ground, twitching and unconscious.
He's rushed to hospital, and his family all arrive and crowd around his bed. As he starts to come around, they ask, "What happened? What happened?"
He looks up at them blearily and croaks, "Mixin' ma toasties..."



(Is "toastie" common slang for toasted sandwich in other countries, or is it just here? Without that, the joke doesn't really work).
I also have about a million jokes about cheese, but you know, that's not exactly vegan.

_________________
If I chew on garlic that's been in a vagina, isn't that exploiting SOMEONE? - coldandsleepy
After all, you can't spell Richard Dawkins without "dickwad". - EmperorTomatoKetchup


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Wed May 25, 2011 7:35 pm 
Offline
Making Threats to Punks Again
User avatar

Joined: Sat Feb 12, 2011 2:59 pm
Posts: 1099
Location: heartadixie
Last night my uncle told me this joke:

What do you call a vegan with diarrhea?

A salad shooter!

I was slightly impressed that he was able to tell me a vegan joke I hadn't yet heard.

_________________
My last Craigslist ad "Bangable Panda for You" got only a few responses and they all just said 'send pic' or 'black and white or red?' - pandacookie
I don't want anyone here who doesn't know every forking line to Willy Wonka. - Fee


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Wed May 25, 2011 7:46 pm 
Offline
Inflexitarian
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 6:28 pm
Posts: 731
Location: Funky Town
What's the strongest type of criminal?

A shop-lifter

Why should you never swim on your empty stomach.

cause it's easier to swim in water.

_________________
~Sweet songs the youth, the wise, the meeting of all wisdom. To believe in the good in man.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Thu May 26, 2011 6:59 am 
Offline
Semen Strong
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 7:10 pm
Posts: 19027
Location: Cliffbar NJ
Rielle Hunter misunderstood John Edwards. He asked her to lick his erection, not wreck his election.

_________________
My oven is bigger on the inside, and it produces lots of wibbly wobbly, cake wakey... stuff. - The PoopieB.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Wed Jul 27, 2011 11:03 am 
Offline
Sick of Cupcakes
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 2:35 pm
Posts: 6691
Location: Norristown, PA
How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate pizza before it was cool!

_________________
Man, fork the gender card, imma come at you with the whole damned gender deck. - Olives
Did you ever think that, like, YOU are a sexy costume FOR a diva cup? - solipsistnation
blog! FB!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Mon Aug 29, 2011 8:53 pm 
Offline
Sick of Cupcakes
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 2:35 pm
Posts: 6691
Location: Norristown, PA
An old farmer wrote to his son in prison: "This year I won't be able to plant potatoes because I can't dig the ground. I know if you were here you would help me." The son wrote back: "Dad, don't dig the ground because that's where I buried the guns." The very next day, the whole ground was dug by police looking for guns but nothing was found. The next day the son wrote again, "Now plant your potatoes Dad, it's the best I could do from here...."

_________________
Man, fork the gender card, imma come at you with the whole damned gender deck. - Olives
Did you ever think that, like, YOU are a sexy costume FOR a diva cup? - solipsistnation
blog! FB!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Tue Aug 30, 2011 10:16 am 
Offline
ol' garly cooch
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 3:41 pm
Posts: 2828
Location: Kashyyyk
What's invisible and smells like worms?

Bird farts.

_________________
I'm not dead, just sick.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Tue Aug 30, 2011 12:56 pm 
Offline
Sick of Cupcakes
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 2:35 pm
Posts: 6691
Location: Norristown, PA
jewbacca wrote:
What's invisible and smells like worms?

Bird farts.


I love you. :D

_________________
Man, fork the gender card, imma come at you with the whole damned gender deck. - Olives
Did you ever think that, like, YOU are a sexy costume FOR a diva cup? - solipsistnation
blog! FB!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Tue Aug 30, 2011 1:24 pm 
Offline
Santa is a WELFARIST!
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 6:28 pm
Posts: 1035
Location: PDX
d'oh somebody said mine!

_________________
"Produce pot pie is my loved. I suchlike it with gust pastry on top tho', not a dry crust."


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Tue Aug 30, 2011 5:30 pm 
Offline
Banned from Vegan Freaks.
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 26, 2010 5:15 pm
Posts: 383
Location: San Diego
shoresiE wrote:
Okok this one is better told in person but it's a good one for you to tell your friends..

What are the two sexiest barnyard animals?

Brown-chicken brown-cow! (sang in the universal imitation of porn music)


http://www.cafepress.com/+brown_chicken ... al=selling

My fave was telling my friend I had seen this shirt somewhere, I just couldn't remember where......while he was wearing it.

My joke, related to the polar bear joke -
A horse walks into a bar.
Bartender asks "Why the long face?"

_________________
"this thread needs some Robyn" - smoothie


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Tue Aug 30, 2011 6:49 pm 
Offline
And you never will.
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 8:41 pm
Posts: 4359
Location: Memphis
You have to tell this one like you are VERY SERIOUS, if people know a joke is coming it's not as funny (extra points if it is somehow a natural segue in the conversation):

Oh my gosh, did hear about that baby who was born without eyelids?
(Wait for response)
They used skin from his circumcision to graft new ones.
(Wait for response)
They say it went well and he's doing fine, he's just a little cockeyed.

Badum-bum.

_________________
Sometimes I think, it's really my lack of cybernetic implants that keeps me from being truly human. - Mars
One vegan baker to another: "Dude, do you even sift?" - FootFace


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Tue Aug 30, 2011 8:16 pm 
Offline
Invented Vegan Meringue
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 3:10 pm
Posts: 3972
Location: St. Louis
poopiebitch wrote:
You have to tell this one like you are VERY SERIOUS, if people know a joke is coming it's not as funny (extra points if it is somehow a natural segue in the conversation):

Oh my gosh, did hear about that baby who was born without eyelids?
(Wait for response)
They used skin from his circumcision to graft new ones.
(Wait for response)
They say it went well and he's doing fine, he's just a little cockeyed.

Badum-bum.


gonna try this one out tomorrow!

_________________
Space has stared into the tiny syrup holes of our shame and it does not judge us. - Amandabear

I have a blog: http://upthefolks.tumblr.com/
art: http://upthefolksstudio.tumblr.com/


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Tue Aug 30, 2011 10:07 pm 
Offline
Sick of Cupcakes
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 2:35 pm
Posts: 6691
Location: Norristown, PA
booberthefraggle wrote:
poopiebitch wrote:
You have to tell this one like you are VERY SERIOUS, if people know a joke is coming it's not as funny (extra points if it is somehow a natural segue in the conversation):

Oh my gosh, did hear about that baby who was born without eyelids?
(Wait for response)
They used skin from his circumcision to graft new ones.
(Wait for response)
They say it went well and he's doing fine, he's just a little cockeyed.

Badum-bum.


gonna try this one out tomorrow!


Haaaaa, I just tried it...it totally works :D

_________________
Man, fork the gender card, imma come at you with the whole damned gender deck. - Olives
Did you ever think that, like, YOU are a sexy costume FOR a diva cup? - solipsistnation
blog! FB!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Tue Aug 30, 2011 10:10 pm 
Offline
And you never will.
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 8:41 pm
Posts: 4359
Location: Memphis
choirqueer wrote:
Haaaaa, I just tried it...it totally works :D

I once made someone fall off a couch with this joke. True story.

_________________
Sometimes I think, it's really my lack of cybernetic implants that keeps me from being truly human. - Mars
One vegan baker to another: "Dude, do you even sift?" - FootFace


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Tue Aug 30, 2011 10:12 pm 
Offline
Has it on Blue Vinyl
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 6:31 pm
Posts: 2134
Location: 510
I need someone to explain the toastie joke, please!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Tue Aug 30, 2011 10:23 pm 
Offline
And you never will.
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 8:41 pm
Posts: 4359
Location: Memphis
mel c wrote:
I need someone to explain the toastie joke, please!

Myxomatosis: A viral disease [usually fatal] of rabbits.

_________________
Sometimes I think, it's really my lack of cybernetic implants that keeps me from being truly human. - Mars
One vegan baker to another: "Dude, do you even sift?" - FootFace


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Sat Sep 17, 2011 12:36 am 
Offline
Sick of Cupcakes
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 2:35 pm
Posts: 6691
Location: Norristown, PA
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Philloppe.

_________________
Man, fork the gender card, imma come at you with the whole damned gender deck. - Olives
Did you ever think that, like, YOU are a sexy costume FOR a diva cup? - solipsistnation
blog! FB!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Sat Sep 17, 2011 1:21 am 
Offline
Angrily Posting on Facebook
User avatar

Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 1:50 pm
Posts: 3179
Location: The Bene
A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartenders says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve your kind in here." Mushroom replies "Oh, come on. I'm a fungi."

--------------
Q: How many elephants can you fit in a Volkswagen?
A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back.

Q: How can you tell if there's an elephant in your fridge?
A: Footprints in the peanut butter.

Q: How can you tell if there are two elephants in your fridge?
A: Giggling.

Q: How can you tell if there are three elephants in your fridge?
A: The door won't close.

Q: How can you tell if there are four elephants in your fridge?
A: There are none in the Volkswagen.

_________________
Ain't no guarantees in life, and nothing that comes out of my vagina can change that. - Erika Soyf*cker

I'd rather have a cupcake and a matte stomach. - Desdemona


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Sat Sep 17, 2011 4:43 am 
Offline
Drinks Wild Tofurkey
User avatar

Joined: Tue Nov 09, 2010 12:16 am
Posts: 2725
Location: SF Bay area
mel c wrote:
So, who has more Heisenberg jokes?


Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?

Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position!

_________________
http://hotveganchickpeas.wordpress.com (food blog)
http://baybalcony.wordpress.com (gardening blog)


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 172 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7  Next

All times are UTC - 6 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: jogirl and 7 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group
Template made by DEVPPL/ThatBigForum and fancied up by What Cheer