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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Sat Apr 30, 2011 10:33 pm 
Loves Carrots (in the biblical sense)
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Okok this one is better told in person but it's a good one for you to tell your friends..

What are the two sexiest barnyard animals?

Brown-chicken brown-cow! (sang in the universal imitation of porn music)


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2011 12:24 pm 
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I divided sin by tan the other night. Do you know why?






Just cos!


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2011 12:45 pm 
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Pi_Face wrote:
I divided sin by tan the other night. Do you know why?






Just cos!

<3

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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2011 9:26 pm 
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shoresiE wrote:

Brown-chicken brown-cow! (sang in the universal imitation of porn music)


Oh lordy.

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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Wed May 25, 2011 1:01 am 
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oink's boyfriend here:

What's red and smells like blue paint?
Spoiler: show
Red paint.

Why do firefighters wear red suspenders?
Spoiler: show
To hold their pants up.


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Wed May 25, 2011 3:36 am 
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Two bananas are lying at the beach as a turd comes floating by.
Yells the turd: "come into the water, it's nice and warm!"
Says the one banana to the other: "I dont believe that shiitake."


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Wed May 25, 2011 7:17 am 
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A rabbit goes to a cafe, and orders a ham and cheese toasted sandwich. The waiter says, "Coming right up, sir!", brings it to him, and he eats it up happily. He's still hungry, so he asks for another. The waiter says, "Oh, I'm sorry sir, but we're out of ham. How about cheese and tomato?". The rabbit agrees, and the waiter brings him his toasted sandwich. He eats a bite, and immediately falls to the ground, twitching and unconscious.
He's rushed to hospital, and his family all arrive and crowd around his bed. As he starts to come around, they ask, "What happened? What happened?"
He looks up at them blearily and croaks, "Mixin' ma toasties..."



(Is "toastie" common slang for toasted sandwich in other countries, or is it just here? Without that, the joke doesn't really work).
I also have about a million jokes about cheese, but you know, that's not exactly vegan.

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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Wed May 25, 2011 7:35 pm 
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Last night my uncle told me this joke:

What do you call a vegan with diarrhea?

A salad shooter!

I was slightly impressed that he was able to tell me a vegan joke I hadn't yet heard.

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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Wed May 25, 2011 7:46 pm 
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What's the strongest type of criminal?

A shop-lifter

Why should you never swim on your empty stomach.

cause it's easier to swim in water.

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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Thu May 26, 2011 6:59 am 
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Rielle Hunter misunderstood John Edwards. He asked her to lick his erection, not wreck his election.

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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Wed Jul 27, 2011 11:03 am 
Should Spend More Time Helping the Animals
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How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate pizza before it was cool!

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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Mon Aug 29, 2011 8:53 pm 
Should Spend More Time Helping the Animals
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An old farmer wrote to his son in prison: "This year I won't be able to plant potatoes because I can't dig the ground. I know if you were here you would help me." The son wrote back: "Dad, don't dig the ground because that's where I buried the guns." The very next day, the whole ground was dug by police looking for guns but nothing was found. The next day the son wrote again, "Now plant your potatoes Dad, it's the best I could do from here...."

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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Tue Aug 30, 2011 10:16 am 
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What's invisible and smells like worms?

Bird farts.

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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Tue Aug 30, 2011 12:56 pm 
Should Spend More Time Helping the Animals
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jewbacca wrote:
What's invisible and smells like worms?

Bird farts.


I love you. :D

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Man, fork the gender card, imma come at you with the whole damned gender deck. - Olives
Did you ever think that, like, YOU are a sexy costume FOR a diva cup? - solipsistnation
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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Tue Aug 30, 2011 1:24 pm 
Santa is a WELFARIST!
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d'oh somebody said mine!

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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Tue Aug 30, 2011 5:30 pm 
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shoresiE wrote:
Okok this one is better told in person but it's a good one for you to tell your friends..

What are the two sexiest barnyard animals?

Brown-chicken brown-cow! (sang in the universal imitation of porn music)


http://www.cafepress.com/+brown_chicken ... al=selling

My fave was telling my friend I had seen this shirt somewhere, I just couldn't remember where......while he was wearing it.

My joke, related to the polar bear joke -
A horse walks into a bar.
Bartender asks "Why the long face?"

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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Tue Aug 30, 2011 6:49 pm 
And you never will.
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You have to tell this one like you are VERY SERIOUS, if people know a joke is coming it's not as funny (extra points if it is somehow a natural segue in the conversation):

Oh my gosh, did hear about that baby who was born without eyelids?
(Wait for response)
They used skin from his circumcision to graft new ones.
(Wait for response)
They say it went well and he's doing fine, he's just a little cockeyed.

Badum-bum.

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I'm in a pure mood with poopietits now. Damn her jugs! - interrobang?!
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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Tue Aug 30, 2011 8:16 pm 
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poopiebitch wrote:
You have to tell this one like you are VERY SERIOUS, if people know a joke is coming it's not as funny (extra points if it is somehow a natural segue in the conversation):

Oh my gosh, did hear about that baby who was born without eyelids?
(Wait for response)
They used skin from his circumcision to graft new ones.
(Wait for response)
They say it went well and he's doing fine, he's just a little cockeyed.

Badum-bum.


gonna try this one out tomorrow!

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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Tue Aug 30, 2011 10:07 pm 
Should Spend More Time Helping the Animals
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booberthefraggle wrote:
poopiebitch wrote:
You have to tell this one like you are VERY SERIOUS, if people know a joke is coming it's not as funny (extra points if it is somehow a natural segue in the conversation):

Oh my gosh, did hear about that baby who was born without eyelids?
(Wait for response)
They used skin from his circumcision to graft new ones.
(Wait for response)
They say it went well and he's doing fine, he's just a little cockeyed.

Badum-bum.


gonna try this one out tomorrow!


Haaaaa, I just tried it...it totally works :D

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Man, fork the gender card, imma come at you with the whole damned gender deck. - Olives
Did you ever think that, like, YOU are a sexy costume FOR a diva cup? - solipsistnation
blog! FB!


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Tue Aug 30, 2011 10:10 pm 
And you never will.
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choirqueer wrote:
Haaaaa, I just tried it...it totally works :D

I once made someone fall off a couch with this joke. True story.

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I'm in a pure mood with poopietits now. Damn her jugs! - interrobang?!
give my you inquiries! and give poopie you burritos. - acr
Sometimes I think, it's really my lack of cybernetic implants that keeps me from being truly human. - Mars


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Tue Aug 30, 2011 10:12 pm 
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I need someone to explain the toastie joke, please!


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Tue Aug 30, 2011 10:23 pm 
And you never will.
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mel c wrote:
I need someone to explain the toastie joke, please!

Myxomatosis: A viral disease [usually fatal] of rabbits.

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I'm in a pure mood with poopietits now. Damn her jugs! - interrobang?!
give my you inquiries! and give poopie you burritos. - acr
Sometimes I think, it's really my lack of cybernetic implants that keeps me from being truly human. - Mars


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Sat Sep 17, 2011 12:36 am 
Should Spend More Time Helping the Animals
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What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Philloppe.

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Man, fork the gender card, imma come at you with the whole damned gender deck. - Olives
Did you ever think that, like, YOU are a sexy costume FOR a diva cup? - solipsistnation
blog! FB!


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Sat Sep 17, 2011 1:21 am 
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A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartenders says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve your kind in here." Mushroom replies "Oh, come on. I'm a fungi."

--------------
Q: How many elephants can you fit in a Volkswagen?
A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back.

Q: How can you tell if there's an elephant in your fridge?
A: Footprints in the peanut butter.

Q: How can you tell if there are two elephants in your fridge?
A: Giggling.

Q: How can you tell if there are three elephants in your fridge?
A: The door won't close.

Q: How can you tell if there are four elephants in your fridge?
A: There are none in the Volkswagen.

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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Sat Sep 17, 2011 4:43 am 
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mel c wrote:
So, who has more Heisenberg jokes?


Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?

Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position!

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