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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Wed Nov 23, 2011 7:16 pm 
Should Spend More Time Helping the Animals
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What do you call someone who turns into a house under the full moon?
A warehouse!

What did the werewolf say when accused of murder?
I WAS NOT A WARE.

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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Wed Nov 23, 2011 7:28 pm 
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Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand, this is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"

She said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said, 'A Chihuahua? They gave me a f****ing Chihuahua?"

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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Wed Nov 23, 2011 8:23 pm 
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Location: Bat Country
Part 1: Why did the mushroom go to the party?

Spoiler: show
Because he was a FUN-GUY!


Part 2: Why did the fungus leave the party?

Spoiler: show
Because there wasn't MUSH-ROOM!


Bonus: An apple pie and a peach pie are sitting together in the oven. The apple pie turns to the peach pie and says, "Boy, it sure is getting hot in here!" To that observation, peach pie responds,
Spoiler: show
"JESUS FORKING CHRIST IT'S A TALKING PIE!!!!!


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Sat Dec 31, 2011 11:28 pm 
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My son's new joke:

What did the cube say to the rectangular prism?

Why the long face?

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Santa whips his reindeer and broke the elves' UTM local back in 86. fork that guy! - Imitation of Chris


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Sun Jan 01, 2012 9:23 pm 
Should Spend More Time Helping the Animals
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Why was Cinderella so terrible at football?

Because her coach was a pumpkin!

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Did you ever think that, like, YOU are a sexy costume FOR a diva cup? - solipsistnation
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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Wed Jan 11, 2012 4:52 pm 
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What are pirate movies usually rated?


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Thu Jan 12, 2012 6:56 am 
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starrynight87 wrote:



teheheee!


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Thu Jan 12, 2012 8:48 pm 
Huffs Nutritional Yeast
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Location: Akron, OH
A little old lady went to the doctor. The doctor asks her what she's coming in for and she says, "Oh, I'm healthy, but I fart all the time. BUT! My farts are silent and they don't smell at all. In fact, I've been farting up a storm in your waiting room. I just let one here and I didn't hear or smell a thing."

The doctor says, "OK. Well, here's a RX for some pills. Take one a day and come back and see me in two weeks."

Two weeks go by and the little old lady comes back to the doctor. The doctor asks how's she's doing. She says, "My goodness doctor, I don't know what is in those pills you gave me. They're terrible! My farts are still silent, but boy oh boy do they STINK!"

The doctor looks at her and says, "Oh good, we've got your sinsus infection cleared up. Now, let's work on your hearing."


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Fri Jan 13, 2012 12:33 pm 
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Why didn't the melons get married?

Because they cantaloupe!

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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 1:23 am 
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As a plane is nearing its destination, the engines start to go out. In a panic, the pilot instructs each passenger to toss one item out of the plane so it has a better chance of staying in the air.

First a priest takes his Bible, and throws it off the plane.

Next an alcoholic takes a 6-pack, and tosses it off.

Last, a solider takes a grenade and tosses it off the plane.



The plane manages to land safely. As the passengers get off the plane, they see two children. Two are crying and one is laughing.

The priest goes up to the first child and asks "Why are you crying?"

The child replies, "I swore, then God threw a Bible at me."

The priest approaches the second child, and asks the same question.

The second child replies "I took a sip of my dad's beer, then God hit me with a 6-pack."

Finally, the priest goes to the laughing child and asks her why she's laughing.

The child replies, "My dad farted so intensely that your house blew up!"


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 4:10 am 
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DreamerSpirit, your joke reminded me of this one:

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind.

The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers don't react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly down the runway and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know Bill, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're all gonna die!"


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jan 28, 2012 9:22 pm 
Should Spend More Time Helping the Animals
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How does a bunny get clean?

It hops in the shower!

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Man, fork the gender card, imma come at you with the whole damned gender deck. - Olives
Did you ever think that, like, YOU are a sexy costume FOR a diva cup? - solipsistnation
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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Mon Jan 30, 2012 1:50 pm 
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Why didn't the lazy baker veganize the cookie recipe?

He didn't have enough ener-g.


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Wed Apr 18, 2012 8:23 pm 
Should Spend More Time Helping the Animals
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Okay, I'm going to tell you a knock-knock joke, are you ready?

So first I'm going to say, "knock-knock." And then you're going to say, "who's there?" Then I will say, "control freak." And then I need you to say "Control freak, who?"...WAIT, IT'S NOT TIME FOR YOU TO LAUGH YET!

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Man, fork the gender card, imma come at you with the whole damned gender deck. - Olives
Did you ever think that, like, YOU are a sexy costume FOR a diva cup? - solipsistnation
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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Fri Apr 20, 2012 10:01 am 
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Mr and Mrs Whale are swimming around in the ocean when Mr Whale spots a whaling boat in the distance.
"Why don't we go under that boat and blow air at it through our blow holes to capsize it, that'll teach them!" Mr Whale says to his wife.
Relectanly she agrees and they both swim under the boat and blow it up into the air. The boat comes crashing down and begins to sink leaving the sailors floating in the water.
Mrs Whale begins to swim away when Mr Whale calls her back, "Hey, why don't we eat the little men?!" He asks.
Angrily she replies, "look, I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing any sea men!"


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Sat Apr 21, 2012 6:54 am 
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this works best if you tell people you know a joke and launch into this like you are just checking they know before you tell the joke. so it goes something like...
I know a joke! Wait, do you know what a Shih Tzu is?
(yeah its a dog)
No its a zoo with no animals! BOOM TISH!

Why wasnt Jesus born in [insert your closest scummy city]?
Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Mon Apr 23, 2012 6:23 am 
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

To go to YOUR HOUSE.


Knock, knock.

Who's there?





THE CHICKEN.

(Good told with a sinister voice for the capitalised bit.)

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Formerly known as Eucalypt.
Live in Brisbane, which got a casino and was nicknamed Brisvegas. Vegan from Brisvegas + bit too fond of puns = BrisVegan.

Santa whips his reindeer and broke the elves' UTM local back in 86. fork that guy! - Imitation of Chris


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Thu Apr 26, 2012 5:52 pm 
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What does a vegan zombie eat ?

Spoiler: show
GRAAAAAAINS.

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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Wed Aug 08, 2012 10:02 am 
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Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

(I don't know... why?)

A: So they can hide in cherry trees!


Q: Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

(No...)

A: WORKS, DON'T IT???

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?

A: From jumpin out of the cherry trees!

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No one wants to have to hear their ladybits called slackers. -Tofulish

I love those delusional first few minutes of the day where I grossly underestimate my love of sleep. -lurky mclurkerson


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Wed Aug 08, 2012 10:10 am 
Should Spend More Time Helping the Animals
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Why did the condom cross the road?
Spoiler: show
It got pissed off!

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Man, fork the gender card, imma come at you with the whole damned gender deck. - Olives
Did you ever think that, like, YOU are a sexy costume FOR a diva cup? - solipsistnation
blog! FB!


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Wed Aug 08, 2012 10:23 am 
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heh heh.

My coworker just told me this one (which is more of a funny rhetorical question than a joke):

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, will a hipster buy the soundtrack?



(are hipster jokes "so last year"? I don't know. I prefer elephant jokes but I still think they're kinda funny.)

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...I am an opinionated prick not a problem solver. -matwinser
No one wants to have to hear their ladybits called slackers. -Tofulish

I love those delusional first few minutes of the day where I grossly underestimate my love of sleep. -lurky mclurkerson


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Wed Aug 08, 2012 10:30 am 
Should Spend More Time Helping the Animals
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Mack the Spork wrote:
heh heh.

My coworker just told me this one (which is more of a funny rhetorical question than a joke):

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, will a hipster buy the soundtrack?



(are hipster jokes "so last year"? I don't know. I prefer elephant jokes but I still think they're kinda funny.)


I just told a hipster joke five minutes ago so...yeah, probably XD

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Man, fork the gender card, imma come at you with the whole damned gender deck. - Olives
Did you ever think that, like, YOU are a sexy costume FOR a diva cup? - solipsistnation
blog! FB!


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Wed Aug 08, 2012 10:50 am 
Not NOT A Furry
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Knock knock.
(Who's there?)
To.
(To who?)
to *WHOM*.


also:
choirqueer wrote:
I just told a hipster joke five minutes ago so...yeah, probably XD


<3

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...I am an opinionated prick not a problem solver. -matwinser
No one wants to have to hear their ladybits called slackers. -Tofulish

I love those delusional first few minutes of the day where I grossly underestimate my love of sleep. -lurky mclurkerson


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Wed Aug 08, 2012 11:03 am 
Should Spend More Time Helping the Animals
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Mack the Spork wrote:
Knock knock.
(Who's there?)
To.
(To who?)
to *WHOM*.


Also <3!

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Man, fork the gender card, imma come at you with the whole damned gender deck. - Olives
Did you ever think that, like, YOU are a sexy costume FOR a diva cup? - solipsistnation
blog! FB!


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Wed Aug 08, 2012 3:14 pm 
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A hunter cals the emergency line.
Emergency central: "Hello this is the emergency line, how can I help you?"
Hunter: (panicking) "My mate's barrel exploded, he's down and out , there's blood everyhere! I think he's dead."
Emergency central: "You need to calm down sir, you can't help when panicking."
"First of all you need to make sure he's really dead"
Hunter: "Allright..."
*few moments of silence and a rifle shot*
"He's dead, now what?"

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Crazy? Some people think walking down the street muttering to yourself is crazy. I'll tell you what crazy is: crazy is walking down the street with half a cantaloupe on your head, saying: I'm a hamster. I'm a hamster. That's crazy. Leslie Nielsen.


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