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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Thu Aug 09, 2012 3:15 pm 
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No-pants hermit 4 lyfe
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Mack the Spork wrote:
Knock knock.
(Who's there?)
To.
(To who?)
to *WHOM*.


if i ever get my act together and whip up a freelance-editor business card, i am definitely putting this on the back.

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"rise from the ashes of douchebaggery like a fancy vegan phoenix" - amandabear
"I'm pretty sure the moral of this story is: fork pants." - cq


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Thu Aug 09, 2012 6:40 pm 
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Huffs Nutritional Yeast
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What did the father buffalo say to his son when his son went away to college?

Spoiler: show
Bison (Bye Son)


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Sat Aug 03, 2013 10:22 pm 
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Drinks Wild Tofurkey
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My husband has randomly started to IM me stupid science insults today and it reminded me of this thread. Apparently they're from a book written by the SMBC guy and the Bad Astronomy guy. Enjoy!

You’re so dense...osmium looks at you and says, “Dayum!”

You’re so dense... You can be used as a neutrino filter.

You’re so dense... When people hug you, their watches run slower.

Your brain is so small... It can’t be described by classical physics.

Your brain is so small... Impacts from Brownian motion give you a headache.

You’re so scientifically illiterate... You think gram-negative is when you owe someone crackers.

Your skin is so lumpy, the bacteria on it experience allopatric speciation.

You’re so innumerate... You think L’Hopital is where mathematicians go when they’re sick.

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http://baybalcony.wordpress.com (gardening blog)


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Mon Aug 05, 2013 3:13 pm 
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Banned from Vegan Freaks.

Joined: Wed Jan 19, 2011 2:39 pm
Posts: 389
another math joke (this one actually got me an internship once, obviously in the nerdiest division of the company) -

what's purple and commutes?

an abelian grape


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Wed Aug 07, 2013 3:12 pm 
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Vegan Vegan Vegan Vegan Vegan
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oh, i just thought of this terrible one.

what is a vegetarian's* favorite instrument?

Spoiler: show
the 'materhorn!

*can also be gardener's, italian's etc. alter to your specific needs.

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I solved it for once and for all -- and for everyone -- by intentionally leaving behind some 9-lives burritos... ~Lorelei4mc
supercarrot.com, vegan groupony things, vegan coupons


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Wed Apr 02, 2014 11:17 pm 
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Sick of Cupcakes
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How many apples grow on a tree?

Spoiler: show
ALL OF THEM!

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Man, fork the gender card, imma come at you with the whole damned gender deck. - Olives
Did you ever think that, like, YOU are a sexy costume FOR a diva cup? - solipsistnation
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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Thu Apr 03, 2014 2:51 am 
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Saggy Butt

Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 6:08 pm
Posts: 1150
supercarrot wrote:
oh, i just thought of this terrible one.

what is a vegetarian's* favorite instrument?

Spoiler: show
the 'materhorn!

*can also be gardener's, italian's etc. alter to your specific needs.

I don't understand this?


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Thu Apr 03, 2014 8:58 am 
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Sick of Cupcakes
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Location: Norristown, PA
GreenDuck wrote:
supercarrot wrote:
oh, i just thought of this terrible one.

what is a vegetarian's* favorite instrument?

Spoiler: show
the 'materhorn!

*can also be gardener's, italian's etc. alter to your specific needs.

I don't understand this?


Spoiler: show
'mater = tomato

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Man, fork the gender card, imma come at you with the whole damned gender deck. - Olives
Did you ever think that, like, YOU are a sexy costume FOR a diva cup? - solipsistnation
blog! FB!


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Thu Apr 03, 2014 9:51 am 
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Saggy Butt

Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 6:08 pm
Posts: 1150
Oh.


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Thu Apr 03, 2014 11:04 am 
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Level 7 Vegan
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Location: In the land of Druids and Moonrakers
Doesn't work with our accents, does it GD? How about:

What's a Hindu?

Lays eggs.

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Cake is always the appropriate intervention. - choirqueer
We are here to discuss the gender politics of cats, not your mommy issues. - Expired Sanity


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Thu Apr 03, 2014 11:53 am 
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Saggy Butt

Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 6:08 pm
Posts: 1150
What's a Greek urn?

About £4 an hour.


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Thu Apr 03, 2014 1:31 pm 
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Has it on Blue Vinyl
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GreenDuck wrote:
What's a Greek urn?

About £4 an hour.


Ha!!


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Mon Apr 07, 2014 10:21 am 
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Sick of Cupcakes
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Location: Norristown, PA
A friend of mine teaches 4th grade (~age 9 in the USA). One of his students made a little pamphlet called Funny Jokes.

Highlights include:
Knock knock who's there mommy in her underwhere
Why did the super hero say after flushing the toliet it was his duty


and my personal favorite

Why do people not want to use number two pencils because they said I already took a dump

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Man, fork the gender card, imma come at you with the whole damned gender deck. - Olives
Did you ever think that, like, YOU are a sexy costume FOR a diva cup? - solipsistnation
blog! FB!


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Thu Apr 10, 2014 10:36 am 
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Tofu Pup
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Why did the tofu cross the road?
To prove he wasn't chicken.

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I ain't gonna work on Maggie's farm no more


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Thu Apr 10, 2014 11:48 pm 
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Plays The Sims 2 religiously
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Location: Portland, OR
Great one bolapunk! Luv!

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i would schmear marmite on a moist scrotum for Mars. - interrobang?!
"Not everything." ~ mumbles (1973-2013) - mumbles


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Tue Apr 15, 2014 8:57 am 
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Heeeerrrrree's JACKY!
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How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb?


Spoiler: show
Two. One to change the bulb and the other to explain to onlookers where we get our protein.

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Don't mind my breasts and vagina, I'm a gay man.---Idatetatooedguys.

"Tots: the universal food band-aid... better than a mother's kiss. Healin' wounds since 1954." Meggs


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Tue Apr 15, 2014 9:44 am 
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Sick of Cupcakes
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Location: Norristown, PA
kfad wrote:
How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb?


Spoiler: show
Two. One to change the bulb and the other to explain to onlookers where we get our protein.


HAHAHA <3 <3

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Man, fork the gender card, imma come at you with the whole damned gender deck. - Olives
Did you ever think that, like, YOU are a sexy costume FOR a diva cup? - solipsistnation
blog! FB!


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Tue Apr 15, 2014 1:45 pm 
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Has it on Blue Vinyl
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Yes. I love the lightbulb joke.


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Wed Apr 16, 2014 11:08 am 
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Sick of Cupcakes
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Location: Norristown, PA
What do gardeners do after they buy fertilizer?

Spoiler: show
THEY crepe THEIR PLANTS

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Man, fork the gender card, imma come at you with the whole damned gender deck. - Olives
Did you ever think that, like, YOU are a sexy costume FOR a diva cup? - solipsistnation
blog! FB!


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Wed Apr 16, 2014 11:19 am 
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Keepin' It Seal
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choirqueer wrote:
What do gardeners do after they buy fertilizer?

Spoiler: show
THEY crepe THEIR PLANTS

I love this so much.


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Fri Apr 18, 2014 4:32 pm 
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Grandfathered In
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Location: Seattle
kfad wrote:
How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb?


Spoiler: show
Two. One to change the bulb and the other to explain to onlookers where we get our protein.


I always thought it was
Spoiler: show
Zero. Vegans can't change anything.

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Did somebody say Keep on rockin?


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Thu Aug 14, 2014 2:34 pm 
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Plays The Sims 2 religiously
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What happens when a waterbear turns in his essay late?

Spoiler: show
he gets a tardi grade!

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i would schmear marmite on a moist scrotum for Mars. - interrobang?!
"Not everything." ~ mumbles (1973-2013) - mumbles


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 Post subject: Re: thread for telling jokes
PostPosted: Mon Nov 10, 2014 4:14 pm 
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Trapped On A Desert Island With A Cow
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Location: Jungles of America
In my attempt to revive this thread I looked up some old Steven Wright jokes:

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

When I was little my grandfather asked me how old I was. I said, "Five." He said, "When I was your age, I was six."


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