| Register  | FAQ  | Search | Login 
It is currently Tue Jul 22, 2014 4:57 pm

All times are UTC - 6 hours [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 57 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3  Next
Author Message
 Post subject: Re: For people with parents who don't take care of themselve
PostPosted: Tue Jun 07, 2011 10:39 pm 
Offline
Dead by dawn
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 9:54 pm
Posts: 7684
Location: Seattle
((hugs)) to you appifanie. I think what you told Livi is perfect for a kid her age. I wish I had some good advice for you.

I can relate to a lot of stories in this thread. When I was in my 20s, I used to tell people that my dad was committing suicide on the installment plan. He smoked heavily and drank alcoholically for 45 years, along with neglecting his hypertension and letting his gum disease progress until most of his teeth fell out, before he finally managed to do enough damage to have a major heart attack. At first he refused bypass surgery, but my brother convinced him to do it. Then he was rejected as a candidate for surgery because he was so severely malnourished (from the alcoholism.) The hospital sent him home to stop drinking, eat better and come back for surgery when he was fit enough to live through it. Yeah, right. He died a month or so later. There was never anything we said or did that had any effect on him. For him, his drinking problem was a freaking comedy routine. This thread makes me remember how profoundly thankful I am for my mother and the myriad ways she's not him.

_________________
facebook
"The PPK: Come for the pie; stay for the croissants." - tinglepants!
"Cockblocked by Richard Branson- again!" - Erika Soyf*cker


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: For people with parents who don't take care of themselve
PostPosted: Wed Jun 08, 2011 6:58 am 
Offline
Bought 20lbs of vegan protein powder
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 6:37 pm
Posts: 7066
Location: NC for now
Thanks everyone! Hard to formulate real responses to anything right now, but thank you!!

Lots of you have similar experiences - I'm sorry :(

_________________
"T-shirts are not allowed in heaven, Karyn. They don't do casual Fridays." - Amandabear

"It's because I'm judging them. Harshly. Judgey McJudgerson." - mel c


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: For people with parents who don't take care of themselve
PostPosted: Wed Jun 08, 2011 8:01 am 
Offline
Moving To Sheepshead Bay
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 9:39 pm
Posts: 5877
I don't have any advice or personal experience to add. I just wanted to say I'm so sorry you are having to go through all of this, and I think what you told livi was perfect.

_________________
"I'm no elephant, but now I want molasses." -Moon


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: For people with parents who don't take care of themselve
PostPosted: Wed Jun 08, 2011 8:17 am 
Offline
Making Threats to Punks Again
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 10:48 pm
Posts: 1137
Location: Arizona
appifanie wrote:
Thanks everyone! Hard to formulate real responses to anything right now, but thank you!!

Lots of you have similar experiences - I'm sorry :(


Overwhelming support can be overwhelming! If you ever want to talk, I'm here.

Al-Anon is a great way to find people in your area who will know exactly what you're going through also (to second Tofulish's excellent suggestion).

_________________
Empathy, he once had decided, must be limited to herbivores or anyhow omnivores who could depart from a meat diet.
--Philip K. Dick


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: For people with parents who don't take care of themselve
PostPosted: Wed Jun 08, 2011 8:55 am 
Offline
Not NOT A Furry
User avatar

Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 7:32 am
Posts: 524
Yes. I cannot recommend highly enough Al-Anon and, specifically, Adult Children of Alcoholics support groups. I too am in this boat. I'm sick of the boat, but I'm in it. Big hugs of solidarity to everyone in this thread.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: For people with parents who don't take care of themselve
PostPosted: Wed Jun 08, 2011 9:10 am 
Offline
Emotionally Allergic to Dairy
User avatar

Joined: Sun Oct 24, 2010 11:28 pm
Posts: 3178
Location: San Francisco
Appifanie -- I'm so sorry, this sounds like such a terrible situation to be in. You have my warmest thoughts and supportive vibes being sent!

I just want to say that you shouldn't feel bad about crying in front of your daughter. My family was always very emotionally repressed, and now that I'm in my late twenties, I have a hard time expressing any emotion, good or bad (my boyfriend says he loves me multiple times daily, I say it maybe once a week because he reminds me to). Negative feelings, in particular, were always discouraged. Your daughter will, in the long run, benefit from seeing her mother cry--she will know that it's okay to cry, it's okay to have feelings, and that sometimes life is hard. I honestly think that this will help her, in a way. And if she's the kind of kid who likes to cuddle, definitely cuddle with her a bit and let her cheer you up and wipe your tears with a tissue or something. I think it'll make both of you feel better!

_________________
Your heart is a muscle the size of a fist
Keep loving, keep fighting

Be the trouble you want to see in the world.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: For people with parents who don't take care of themselve
PostPosted: Wed Jun 08, 2011 9:22 am 
Offline
ol' garly cooch
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 3:41 pm
Posts: 2828
Location: Kashyyyk
megs wrote:
Yes. I cannot recommend highly enough Al-Anon and, specifically, Adult Children of Alcoholics support groups. I too am in this boat. I'm sick of the boat, but I'm in it. Big hugs of solidarity to everyone in this thread.



+1 Anyone may PM me if they ever need to talk about it. My success has come from keeping really strict boundaries with my own parents, and accepting that I will not have the kind of relationship with them that others have with their folks. I've had to make other people my chosen family and take comfort in knowing I broke the chain with my kids.

Hugs to everyone.

_________________
I'm not dead, just sick.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: For people with parents who don't take care of themselve
PostPosted: Wed Jun 08, 2011 9:32 am 
Offline
Making Threats to Punks Again
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 10:48 pm
Posts: 1137
Location: Arizona
Setting boundaries with my dad was essential to my emotional survival. I can't say enough about their importance and having people in your life who respect and support your boundaries, whether they are other family members, friends, or people you meet in support groups.

_________________
Empathy, he once had decided, must be limited to herbivores or anyhow omnivores who could depart from a meat diet.
--Philip K. Dick


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: For people with parents who don't take care of themselve
PostPosted: Wed Jun 08, 2011 9:45 am 
Offline
Baking In The Flavor
User avatar

Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 10:37 pm
Posts: 182
Location: the mossy semi-wood
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Both of my parents died of cancer and i could do nothing but watch. both smoked heavily and drank. I found that you can not make changes for anyone else but yourself and the rest you need to let go of. I find myself drinking too much far too often and reading this thread and everyones experiences with their parents reminds me of my childhood and how I do not want repeat what I saw growing up but yet I repeat so many of the same bad habits (not just healthwise but also emotional responses). So I guess what I'm saying is sometimes it's very hard to change even if you really really want to. You are a fabulous parent to Livi and everytime I see pictures of her I can see how much she is loved and cared for and when I see pictures of you, it is clear that you care about you very much too. That is all that you can do in the end.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: For people with parents who don't take care of themselve
PostPosted: Wed Jun 08, 2011 9:49 am 
Offline
Dead by dawn
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 9:54 pm
Posts: 7684
Location: Seattle
DarthCupcake wrote:
Appifanie -- I'm so sorry, this sounds like such a terrible situation to be in. You have my warmest thoughts and supportive vibes being sent!

I just want to say that you shouldn't feel bad about crying in front of your daughter. My family was always very emotionally repressed, and now that I'm in my late twenties, I have a hard time expressing any emotion, good or bad (my boyfriend says he loves me multiple times daily, I say it maybe once a week because he reminds me to). Negative feelings, in particular, were always discouraged. Your daughter will, in the long run, benefit from seeing her mother cry--she will know that it's okay to cry, it's okay to have feelings, and that sometimes life is hard. I honestly think that this will help her, in a way. And if she's the kind of kid who likes to cuddle, definitely cuddle with her a bit and let her cheer you up and wipe your tears with a tissue or something. I think it'll make both of you feel better!

I agree.

_________________
facebook
"The PPK: Come for the pie; stay for the croissants." - tinglepants!
"Cockblocked by Richard Branson- again!" - Erika Soyf*cker


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: For people with parents who don't take care of themselve
PostPosted: Wed Jun 08, 2011 10:35 am 
Offline
Drunk Dialed Ian MacKaye
User avatar

Joined: Fri Oct 22, 2010 3:19 pm
Posts: 1804
Location: North Carolina
I can't believe I read through almost this whole thread without thinking to recommend Al-Anon - I second that, strongly. I've been attending Nar-Anon meetings for nearly five years because I have a (recovering) addict in my life, but I found them very very useful while dealing with my alcoholic father, too.

My dad died last fall of cancer. Prior to his diagnosis, I hadn't had any contact with him for 2 years because his end-stage alcoholism was too painful for me to witness. He ended up sober for the last two months of his life, because he was in a nursing home where he physically could not drink, and I think he was grateful for that time. I know I was.

I would just recommend that you think long and hard about how much you want to involve yourself in your mom's problems. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. My sister and I talked about it for a long while before agreeing to be my dad's Power of Attorney, and in the end it turned out to be the right decision for us. That doesn't mean it will be the right decision for you.

Hugs to you.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: For people with parents who don't take care of themselve
PostPosted: Wed Jun 08, 2011 12:08 pm 
Offline
Not NOT A Furry
User avatar

Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 7:32 am
Posts: 524
Oh yeah, this: boundaries. Boundaries boundaries. Nothing has been more important in my process lately than really investigating them. My counselor gave me a great book about it which is scripture/Bible based, but I am not that way inclines so I kind of just skim those parts because the overall lessons of it are life-changing.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: For people with parents who don't take care of themselve
PostPosted: Wed Jun 08, 2011 2:51 pm 
Offline
Chard Martyr
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 6:49 pm
Posts: 9601
megs wrote:
Oh yeah, this: boundaries. Boundaries boundaries. Nothing has been more important in my process lately than really investigating them.
Seconded. But they're hard, and they might not be respected. But they're essential.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: For people with parents who don't take care of themselve
PostPosted: Wed Jun 08, 2011 3:06 pm 
Offline
Drunk Dialed Ian MacKaye
User avatar

Joined: Fri Oct 22, 2010 3:19 pm
Posts: 1804
Location: North Carolina
They are hard. I used to be super good at setting boundaries but terrible at sticking to them. Don't be hard on yourself about it, though; you will get there in your own time.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: For people with parents who don't take care of themselve
PostPosted: Wed Jun 08, 2011 7:02 pm 
Offline
Drunk Dialed Ian MacKaye
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 6:31 pm
Posts: 1838
Location: NC
appifanie wrote:

Livi is 4 1/2 and I told her that grammy's sick because she doesn't take care of herself.

Yes! That's an excellent answer. It's important to be honest with her, but she doesn't need all the facts. So sorry you all have to go through this.

_________________
Re:my username "It's your initials! DRS I'm so smart." -appifanie
xgfx/soy-free blog: http://www.drsimpsongallery.com/veg-am/


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: For people with parents who don't take care of themselve
PostPosted: Thu Jun 09, 2011 5:44 pm 
Offline
Bought 20lbs of vegan protein powder
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 6:37 pm
Posts: 7066
Location: NC for now
So the guy from the rehabilitation place just called and asked me fun questions like "is she always this incoherent" and "is she a DNR?" I told him that when I spoke to her on 5/22 she seemed totally normal and that she is a DNR. Sigh.

Does anyone actually WANT to be resuscitated?

_________________
"T-shirts are not allowed in heaven, Karyn. They don't do casual Fridays." - Amandabear

"It's because I'm judging them. Harshly. Judgey McJudgerson." - mel c


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: For people with parents who don't take care of themselve
PostPosted: Thu Jun 09, 2011 5:50 pm 
Offline
Chard Martyr
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 6:49 pm
Posts: 9601
Many hugs to you (and Livi).


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: For people with parents who don't take care of themselve
PostPosted: Thu Jun 09, 2011 6:09 pm 
Offline
Not NOT A Furry
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 10:06 pm
Posts: 472
Location: Vancouver Island
When it comes to aging alcoholic parents, sometimes it doesn't matter if you take care of yourself or not. My sister in law's mother is only about 54 but she looks like she's 75, and moves like she's 89. The worst part is that she eats healthily, not too much, and if she were able she'd get some exercise too.

She's in the hospital multiple times a year, we're not sure how much longer she's going to last. We're not sure how long a body *can* last when everything is failing in it.

I wish my sister in law would go to Al anon families, but when my mom suggested it once, she got really angry and said something along the lines of 'I'm not the one with a drinking problem'.

*Hugs to all of you and your families*

_________________
http://seraphsong.blogspot.com/
Guilty of Being Sprite - They're probably just waiting for the camera egg to hatch, which would then create a much larger camera they'd quickly find.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: For people with parents who don't take care of themselve
PostPosted: Thu Jun 09, 2011 6:14 pm 
Offline
Bought 20lbs of vegan protein powder
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 6:37 pm
Posts: 7066
Location: NC for now
I talked to her for 13 minutes and she mostly sounded fine! Apparently they checked her O2 levels and they were at 85 which is way too low, even I know that, so they gave her oxygen and she looks better and sounds so much better.

_________________
"T-shirts are not allowed in heaven, Karyn. They don't do casual Fridays." - Amandabear

"It's because I'm judging them. Harshly. Judgey McJudgerson." - mel c


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: For people with parents who don't take care of themselve
PostPosted: Sat Jun 11, 2011 2:52 pm 
Offline
Bought 20lbs of vegan protein powder
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 6:37 pm
Posts: 7066
Location: NC for now
Okay sounding okay today too - better than 2 days ago even - but her neighbor (who is a 70-something man who is kind and helpful and awesome) - said she looks really bad and doesn't see that she'll ever be able to live on her own again, which is pretty much what her doctor said to me

And now I search for the phone # of her homemakers, who were clearly slacking.

_________________
"T-shirts are not allowed in heaven, Karyn. They don't do casual Fridays." - Amandabear

"It's because I'm judging them. Harshly. Judgey McJudgerson." - mel c


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: For people with parents who don't take care of themselve
PostPosted: Sun Jun 12, 2011 8:03 pm 
Offline
Mispronounces Daiya
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 4:14 pm
Posts: 1429
Location: The Latham Compound
Glad she seems to be maintaining. People were supposed to be at the house helping her and weren't? That's so frustrating. The whole situation is very frustrating. I hope arrangements can be made for her care that are comfortable for everyone.

_________________
http://megatarian.blogspot.com


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: For people with parents who don't take care of themselve
PostPosted: Mon Jun 13, 2011 1:52 am 
Offline
Vegan Vegan Vegan Vegan Vegan
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 3:30 pm
Posts: 4278
Location: fjordfjord
Oh, appifanie. I send you so many hugs.

_________________
ॐ लोकः समासतः सुखिनो भवन्तु
http://www.embracingtheworld.org


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: For people with parents who don't take care of themselve
PostPosted: Tue Sep 13, 2011 7:28 am 
Offline
Bought 20lbs of vegan protein powder
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 6:37 pm
Posts: 7066
Location: NC for now
Hey guys. It turns out it's advanced stage bladder cancer and they have her going to Lahey clinic which is 90 minutes or so each way and they just sent her for a CAT scan and they want a follow up in 2 weeks. Of course the chemo consult she just went for - he told her he thought she was too weak to survive treatment but apparently didn't say where to go from there.

I'm doing a lot of denial. I think about it when I talk to her and then I block it out. Lalala.

_________________
"T-shirts are not allowed in heaven, Karyn. They don't do casual Fridays." - Amandabear

"It's because I'm judging them. Harshly. Judgey McJudgerson." - mel c


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: For people with parents who don't take care of themselve
PostPosted: Tue Sep 13, 2011 9:28 am 
Offline
Inflexitarian
User avatar

Joined: Fri Feb 11, 2011 10:10 pm
Posts: 751
Location: Virginia, USA
:hugs:

(and I think what you said made perfect sense to your daughter, it's simple but the truth, which is probably reassuring to her)

_________________
Geeks make the world go 'round

Follow me on Twitter: https://twitter.com/#!/GeekKnowledge


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: For people with parents who don't take care of themselve
PostPosted: Tue Sep 13, 2011 9:35 am 
Offline
Mispronounces Daiya
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 4:14 pm
Posts: 1429
Location: The Latham Compound
I'm sorry Appi *hugs*

I don't have anything else productive to say.

_________________
http://megatarian.blogspot.com


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 57 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3  Next

All times are UTC - 6 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: interrobang?!, jogirl, joyfulgirl, kaerlighed, mandycoot, mrsbadmouth, Nebraskalaska, Norelle, poopiebitch, sweet_potato and 10 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group
Template made by DEVPPL/ThatBigForum and fancied up by What Cheer