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 Post subject: Lying about being veg
PostPosted: Sat Mar 19, 2016 10:06 pm 
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This is kinda weird and I'm trying to hash this out with my heart. A good friend of mine, one of my closest friends really has been lying about being a vegetarian. We've been friends for half my life. He said he even went vegan for a while. He came clean a few months ago when I asked him if he ate meat. His response was that he knew I knew that he wasn't veg anyways which so wasn't true! I only found out because someone outed him to me. I'm crushed in a big way and I feel really differently about this guy than I did before. I don't know a lot of veg people in real life so it was a blow. I keep thinking if he's lying about this what else does he lie to me about and is he even a good person or is he just shallow? I even debated putting this up here but I think maybe you guys would have some insight.


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 Post subject: Re: Lying about being veg
PostPosted: Sun Mar 20, 2016 12:30 am 
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If it's important enough to lie about, why not just be a vegetarian?

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 Post subject: Re: Lying about being veg
PostPosted: Sun Mar 20, 2016 4:23 am 
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FootFace wrote:
If it's important enough to lie about, why not just be a vegetarian?


This is a good question, and one you should maybe put to your friend.

I had a somewhat similar experience with my boyfriend, when I found out he would finish up meat items at family buffets and similar if he thought they were going to be thrown away otherwise. This was quite a few years ago and we had a big discussion about it but I don't remember exactly what was said, but as far as I know I managed to convince him that he was sending a message to his family that vegetarianism wasn't a serious choice and they would buy extra meat in for him if they saw him eating it, so as far as I know he hasn't done that since.

The point of me saying this is that he had valid reasons for his choice as far as he was concerned, so maybe your friend would really like to be vegetarian and just needs some help?

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 Post subject: Re: Lying about being veg
PostPosted: Sun Mar 20, 2016 7:38 am 
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Maybe he didn't tell you because he was afraid you would end the friendship.

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 Post subject: Re: Lying about being veg
PostPosted: Sun Mar 20, 2016 9:10 am 
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How long has he been lying about being vegetarian for? Your whole friendship? Is it something that comes up a lot - like whilst eating together or discussing ethics or whatever? Did he say why he's been lying about it?

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 Post subject: Re: Lying about being veg
PostPosted: Sun Mar 20, 2016 9:40 am 
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Maybe some people have a very strong need to please so they lie? It would be off putting for me, just because I think it's odd that he then says you knew all along to avoid being responsible for lying.

One of my coworkers told me he was a long time vegan but he admitted that he had a cheat meal every summer because they had a family tradition of lobster (when I saw it on FB). And then other colleagues were like "He's not vegan! He eats meat at client dinners all the time!" And then he said it was just not possible to be vegan at client dinners and would hurt his career so he had to eat meat for those, but the rest of the time he was vegan. I don't think he was helping veganism by making it look like something so part time, and I definitely thought he was a jerk for lying. Most people aren't vegan, that's fine. But it definitely felt dishonest for him to lie about it, because we developed a friendship based on our shared values which turns out were not shared.

I have a really low tolerance for liars, for some reason. It really triggers me to be lied to

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 Post subject: Re: Lying about being veg
PostPosted: Sun Mar 20, 2016 10:06 am 
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A dear friend of mine lies about it too, but it doesn't bother me much because she has always been honest with me about it and she's afraid people would stop being her friend if they knew, so I have never outed her. I do kind of get it. It kind of reminds me of the friend ("friend") who really wanted a child and asked me if I would stop being friends with her if she had one and I said and meant "no way!" Well, then I had one and she never talked to me again. I guess I see why she asked me the question in the first place. People can be weird and ditch their friends for moronic reasons, so maybe your friend has been burned before?


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 Post subject: Re: Lying about being veg
PostPosted: Sun Mar 20, 2016 10:44 am 
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He also has dreams about me eating meat or something else not vegan and tells me about it. I said to him please stop telling me these things it's really disturbing. I think he likes to needle people. He claims he was veg for 4 years but I don't know if I believe it so I don't know how long he's been lying about it. He also doesn't seem to understand veganism he was talking about some kind of soup and told me i could just pick out the shrimp or whatever.


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 Post subject: Re: Lying about being veg
PostPosted: Sun Mar 20, 2016 11:06 am 
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I was in a relationship with someone a long time ago who (sincerely, I think?) told me she was going vegetarian then vegan and then started eating meat and lying about it for a long time. What I learned from that is that she was a person who would rather lie to get whatever results she wanted in the moment. I feel like if someone lies about something that's both major and also fairly low stakes (I'm assuming you're friends with people who aren't vegan, and would have been his friend if he had never been) it's pretty unlikely that they don't have a problem with lying generally?

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 Post subject: Re: Lying about being veg
PostPosted: Sun Mar 20, 2016 11:35 am 
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strawberryrock wrote:
I feel like if someone lies about something that's both major and also fairly low stakes (I'm assuming you're friends with people who aren't vegan, and would have been his friend if he had never been) it's pretty unlikely that they don't have a problem with lying generally?
Yes, this was my feeling as well; it's not the non-veganism that's problematic, it's the dishonesty and deliberate deception. I mean, most people are not vegan; it's not exactly a foreign concept you'd be unable to grapple with, so why tell lies and conduct this weird charade?

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 Post subject: Re: Lying about being veg
PostPosted: Sun Mar 20, 2016 4:40 pm 
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I have a deep need to know the truth at all times, whether or not I will like it. Finding out that a friend had been lying to me would really upset me.


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 Post subject: Re: Lying about being veg
PostPosted: Sun Mar 20, 2016 6:00 pm 
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The lying would bother me too much. I can care about, and love, the omnis in my life, but the liars I have trouble finding space for. Unless I could really understand and empathize with the reason for the lying, I would need to distance myself.


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 Post subject: Re: Lying about being veg
PostPosted: Sun Mar 20, 2016 6:35 pm 
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This sucks, for sure. I would have a big problem trusting this person -- as others have mentioned, it seems very likely they have a problem with lying in general. I have encountered a few of these people, and have found that it is better not to associate with them.

Perhaps they lied to feel some kind of camaraderie with you? Or maybe they have a genuine desire to be vegetarian but have found it too difficult to maintain? But perhaps trying to put some reason behind it is just giving them too much credit and they are just a compulsive liar. Regardless, I would probably need to take a break from interacting with them, indefinitely.


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 Post subject: Re: Lying about being veg
PostPosted: Fri Mar 25, 2016 12:13 pm 
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what's the point in lying about being vegan at all??


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 Post subject: Re: Lying about being veg
PostPosted: Fri Mar 25, 2016 1:13 pm 
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I too have felt lied too regarding the vegan community as a whole. Stupid me I thought it was about compassion and the animals. Not an appearance.

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 Post subject: Re: Lying about being veg
PostPosted: Fri Mar 25, 2016 1:42 pm 
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Teresa wrote:
I too have felt lied too regarding the vegan community as a whole. Stupid me I thought it was about compassion and the animals. Not an appearance.


You didn't read the original post, did you?

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 Post subject: Re: Lying about being veg
PostPosted: Fri Mar 25, 2016 1:58 pm 
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Teresa wrote:
I too have felt lied too regarding the vegan community as a whole. Stupid me I thought it was about compassion and the animals. Not an appearance.


This broken record schtick is getting old. We're giving you tons of compassion here, how about you give some back by a. reading what others have written and b. engaging with this community instead of dropping complaints and then disappearing.

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 Post subject: Re: Lying about being veg
PostPosted: Fri Mar 25, 2016 2:12 pm 
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Okay, re-railing this discussion.

People who lie about no longer being veg*n are weird, and yet it seems to happen quite often. To me, the lying makes me lose more respect for them than the meat eating to begin with. I personally find it weird that someone who has been vegan, who presumably knows the health/environmental/ethical benefits, who already knows how to cook and eat vegan, can then knowingly abandon those principles. But it's their life and their decision to make- they need to be adult about it and stand behind that decision. The fact that someone would lie or (like someone I once knew) pre-emptively cut all veg*ns out of their life rather than be honest with them just reinforces, to me, that they are aware that they have reneged on some sort of principle and are unwilling to confront and own that.

It's a bummer to me, personally, when someone stops being veg*n, but it's not a judgment call. People change ethics and principles all the time. It's when you can't own your principles that I lose respect for you and wonder how steadfast your new principles are.

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 Post subject: Re: Lying about being veg
PostPosted: Fri Mar 25, 2016 5:06 pm 
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It's hard but I am not going to throw out this friendship over this. At the same time it's extremely troubling to me. Thanks for everyone's feed back I really appreciate it.


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