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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Tue Nov 19, 2013 7:11 pm 
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Lime and a Coconut
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smoothie wrote:
Oh man. You guys need a live cam! Like those websites where you can follow kittens growing up on a live cam!


If by 'kittens' you mean 'substance abusers' and 'growing up' you mean 'having a full-on paranoid meltdown while I'm trying to polish a subpoena', then yeah, just like that!

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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Wed Nov 20, 2013 2:39 pm 
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and the story ended right there. i am afraid i will have to write an ending.

Erika looked over her glasses and mentally squeezed her laughter into the bottom of her belly, determined to be the face of perfect professionalism. When she saw the woman writhing the first thing she thought was drugs, then bedbugs. But there was no scratching. Hm, could still be drugs. The woman was writhing, almost laying down on the sofa. Erika looked back at her monitor, totally nonchalant and nonplussed. Then she heard the zipper.
The woman had unzipped her windbreaker. Squirmed right out of it, leaving it inside out, then grabbed it and swung it around her head, stripper style. It landed against the front of Erika's desk. Then she kicked off her Ugg boots. Jesus Christ, Erika thought. I don't like where this is going.
Then of all the forking things, the woman stood up, pulled down her skirt, and stepped right out of the little circle it made on the floor. Erika's face of professionalism was starting to show some strain, but she was determined to not break into the hysterical laughter that was right around the corner. The woman did a big hip circle, like she had a hula hoop, and pulled her t-shirt over her head. She shook out her arms like it was the goddamn hokey pokey, looked at Erika, and in the first coherent phrase she had uttered since she came into the lobby, said "you would not BELIEVE how uncomfortable this is!" Erika raised an eyebrow and prayed that the security camera was catching all this, because it looked like it would only get more interesting from here.
"Miss, are you feeling OK?"
The woman rolled her eyes. "I will feel so much better once I get this garlic out." And with that she unsnapped her bra and skinned out of her pantaloons. As she did, three cloves of garlic fell to the floor. And with that, she looked at Erika, smiled a tight little smile, picked up her purse, and said, "You know, I read on some website that garlic was good for yeast infections. I even put some in my bra, you know, one in each cup. It seemed like such a good idea, you know, even keep me safe from vampires, who knows, right? but god damn, it was uncomfortable, who could stand that."
If this were a bank, Erika thought, she could have pushed the little button under the counter. But it was an office building, not a bank, and she was in the lobby with this naked lady who had been storing cloves of garlic in her undergarments and now was casually making conversation. Before she could say anything else, the woman said, "Well, I have to be going. Thanks so much for understanding." And with that, naked as a jaybird, the lady pushed open the door and walked out into the streets of San Francisco as if she hadn't a care in the world.
The door eased back shut and Erika picked up the phone and dialed. "Jane, could I bother you to come to the lobby? You might want to bring some bags... No, there are no feces involved this time. You might want to bring some gloves anyway, though."

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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Wed Nov 20, 2013 2:56 pm 
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Lime and a Coconut
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brava!

I like this imaginary Jane who comes to clean up the messes in the lobby.

It ended quietly. She slowly dragged herself out as I prodded her towards the exit. She said she'd be back today, but who knows. We've already had The Regular Who Smells of Urine this morning, so the day's off to a good start!

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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Wed Nov 20, 2013 4:10 pm 
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We had raised voices this afternoon as one customer accused another of being on drugs, after he had accused her of poisoning several neighbourhood cats. It was kind of entertaining in a ghastly way.

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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Fri Nov 22, 2013 1:37 pm 
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Lime and a Coconut
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...so, today I am battling the dilemma of how to politely ask someone to leave the lobby because they reek of peas.

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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Fri Nov 22, 2013 1:52 pm 
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Lime and a Coconut
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Oh, that guy. It's not enough that he gets coffee and cigarettes from the big-hearted softie attorney who helps him out, and that he gets all his mail here, and I let him take a hors d'oeuvre's bath in the men's room sink. I said "okay, [name], it's time to wrap it up." And he snipes "okay, I'm ready, I was just waiting for you to say something which I knew you would."

Then he hands me the envelope he asked me for, which he'd been doodling on. I asked "What is this?" and he snaps "can't you read!?" I wanted to ask him "can't you shower? Can't you not pee on your clothing?" but instead just stared at him. He had spent ten minutes in our lobby, stinking up our office and fiddling with our office supplies, making a sign reminding people to jiggle the toilet handle in the men's room. Gee, thanks.

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Too much woo, you guys. Too much woo ~Tofulish
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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Fri Nov 22, 2013 2:22 pm 
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Lime and a Coconut
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Oh! Yoga writher is back! She told me she is going to some more 'self-massage' while she waits for the attorney. So that's what that is, huh? Whatever you say, lady...

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Too much woo, you guys. Too much woo ~Tofulish
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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Fri Nov 22, 2013 2:26 pm 
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Erika Soyf*cker wrote:
Oh! Yoga writher is back! She told me she is going to some more 'self-massage' while she waits for the attorney. So that's what that is, huh? Whatever you say, lady...


I wish I had the gumption to "massage" myself in public.

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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Fri Nov 22, 2013 2:40 pm 
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Lime and a Coconut
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Moon wrote:
Erika Soyf*cker wrote:
Oh! Yoga writher is back! She told me she is going to some more 'self-massage' while she waits for the attorney. So that's what that is, huh? Whatever you say, lady...


I wish I had the gumption to "massage" myself in public.


Here's a beginner move to get you started: from a seated position, ragdoll yourself forward, hyperextend your shoulders and elbows, and violently rock back and forth, jabbing your kneecaps into your shoulder sockets.

Relaxing!

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Too much woo, you guys. Too much woo ~Tofulish
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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Fri Nov 22, 2013 2:52 pm 
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Erika Soyf*cker wrote:
But the indignity of the accusation of being a chickpea bandit is far worse than that, I suppose.


The Chickpea Bandit is either my next band name or my first YA novel. I can't decide!


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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Fri Nov 22, 2013 2:54 pm 
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Erika Soyf*cker wrote:
Moon wrote:
Erika Soyf*cker wrote:
Oh! Yoga writher is back! She told me she is going to some more 'self-massage' while she waits for the attorney. So that's what that is, huh? Whatever you say, lady...


I wish I had the gumption to "massage" myself in public.


Here's a beginner move to get you started: from a seated position, ragdoll yourself forward, hyperextend your shoulders and elbows, and violently rock back and forth, jabbing your kneecaps into your shoulder sockets.

Relaxing!


Sounds like just the thing I need!

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Well! Fruit is stupid! These onions taste nothing like fruit! - allularpunk
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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Fri Nov 22, 2013 4:22 pm 
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madeleine.teacup wrote:
Erika Soyf*cker wrote:
But the indignity of the accusation of being a chickpea bandit is far worse than that, I suppose.


The Chickpea Bandit is either my next band name or my first YA novel. I can't decide!


It's already the sequel to The Book Thief.

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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Fri Nov 22, 2013 4:25 pm 
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I guess this isn't really a customer. I'm probably the customer here, actually, but sharing anyway. The guy who sharpens my shears dropped them off at my work today, and as he was saying "thanks for your business, etc," he was sort of giving me the half hug/pat on the shoulder, which is a little touchy for a business relationship, but he's like 60 and I didn't really think anything of it. But then he CRADLED MY FACE, and was like "Let me know if you need anything else." I'm pretty sure I cringed and pulled away, but then he was gone. I thought maybe I was overreacting, but my two coworkers were looking at me all wide-eyed as he walked away. Holy awkward. I'm really hoping that's just weird old man shiitake, and not something creepier.


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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Fri Nov 22, 2013 5:16 pm 
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What is it with libraries?!

We are at a toddler class at the library, for 2 to 3 year old, and it includes songs, reading a book and a little craft. So for the craft, the children's librarian brings out a few bowls of Fruit Loops, which the kids stick on paper to make shapes.

And then one of the parents starts to go off about how "This is what is wrong with America, this food isn't even food, why are we giving children Fruit Loops, which are basically just sugar and GMOs and food dyes, which cause behavioral damage. They don't even let you sell these in Europe!" and on and on and on. Until we point out that the Fruit Loops aren't being eaten, they are being used in a craft, so its not like the kids are going to be thinking of them as food.

And in my brain, I am like "you are at a free class, hosted by a library in a town you don't even live in, chill the fork out!"

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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Sat Nov 23, 2013 3:16 pm 
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Not sure if this counts, but I work at an answering service. . . and a random patient today shared a name with a Star Trek captain, and I couldn't stop myself from giggling when the nurse told me the name. Luckily, she laughed too.

Also I've come to hate doctors and learn that many of them are self-righteous beyond repair and just need to stop yelling and let me do my job.
OH HOW I WISH I COULD GET INTO SPECIFICS. min-vague-vent for now.

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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Sat Nov 23, 2013 7:11 pm 
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On the subject of doctors we recently had a Very Special client whose husband was a surgeon and let me tell you - he never let us forget it. Any time he'd call us for any reason he'd bring up that he's a surgeon, came to all his appointments and visitations in scrubs, and walked out of his family therapy sessions to take Very Important Calls. Family therapy sessions specially reserved for him that were two and three hours long when everyone else gets one hour, but he was so gosh darn special and his time was so valuable!

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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Sat Nov 23, 2013 7:47 pm 
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OMG I finally have a story to share.

Thursday I took a call from a patient who was asking about Xmas cards (we're a charity and we sell Xmas cards through a 3rd party). She'd called either the week before or earlier in the week asking to have the brochure sent out, so we sent it out to her. Apparently she called the 3rd party asking about a particular type of card, and (according to her) they either didn't know if we had it or told her we didn't when she was told by our CEO (when?) that we would have it. So I asked her to hold the line so I could put her through to the person who deals with Xmas cards, and she got really belligerent, asking me if anyone knew anything and she's now made 2 long distance calls and no one knows what they're doing, then demanded to speak to the CEO. I told her he wasn't in the office, and she asked for his number in London. I told her I couldn't give out his private number, and she said "I didn't ask for his private number" and basically thought we had an office in London (we never have). Anyway, she belittled me a bit more and then eventually hung up on me.

It turns out that this woman does this every year, and has done for at least the past 5 years (she must have called Friday because everyone was talking about her on the other side). She'll call up, scream at people and basically make them feel like shiitake until she climbs up the ladder to speak to the CEO. My colleague who sends out stuff related to her condition said she'll take her off the mailing list to avoid having to deal with her. And this is why I never wanted to be a receptionist.

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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Sun Nov 24, 2013 9:18 am 
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I hosted a tour for a group with a really long acronym that essentially names them as wives of rich dudes from Alberta who own golf courses all over the world. So basically it was the Real Housewives of Alberta. It wasn't that bad until we were in the middle of our organic orchard and farm and I'm answering questions about growing seasons when someone asks about the island across the way, which yes, is for sale, and yes, it has a golf course, and every single person yanked out their phone and ipad and they started fighting (ironically???) about who was going to score that "sick piece of land." I guess it's not that bad but it was a beautiful day and there was a freaking rainbow and apples on the trees and I mean you just don't have to be $$$$$$$ in your brain all of the time!


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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Sun Nov 24, 2013 10:20 am 
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vijita wrote:
I hosted a tour for a group with a really long acronym that essentially names them as wives of rich dudes from Alberta who own golf courses all over the world. So basically it was the Real Housewives of Alberta. It wasn't that bad until we were in the middle of our organic orchard and farm and I'm answering questions about growing seasons when someone asks about the island across the way, which yes, is for sale, and yes, it has a golf course, and every single person yanked out their phone and ipad and they started fighting (ironically???) about who was going to score that "sick piece of land." I guess it's not that bad but it was a beautiful day and there was a freaking rainbow and apples on the trees and I mean you just don't have to be $$$$$$$ in your brain all of the time!

Were they all wearing cardigans, up-dos, and pearl necklaces/earrings?


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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Sun Nov 24, 2013 10:57 am 
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No they were actually quite conservative. I think someone told them about how us islanders "dress" because it looked like more than a few of them had purchased pointedly west coast natural rustic chic jackets and boots just for the occasion. Except they all complained about how freezing it was and it was a pretty balmy 12 Celsius and as an Albertan myself I wondered how the hell they survive the winters there. (Answer: sunny golf course destinations.) I feel like I'm being unfair but I don't really care all that much...that's what this thread is for right?


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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Tue Nov 26, 2013 2:05 pm 
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Today I was sorting through and printing out 5 discs worth of 'evidence' against one of our clients, most of which was just a huge report of what his iPhone contained. Top of the pile of 'evidence' printouts was a photo of a cat lounging in a bathtub, looking up at the camera quizzically.

CASE DISMISSED!!!

(I wish. I also wish I'd only seen the kitty and not the homemade porn that followed. Remember people, use Wickr and clear your cache often!)

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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Tue Nov 26, 2013 2:38 pm 
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I get to work with customers again. Fun stuff. Generally, the HFS customers aren't bad (so far), but I had an irritating phone call last night. I already hate answering phones in general because my hearing isn't great, but this guy's connection was kind of bad and there was a kid screaming in the background. He said his name and said he was calling to order 'his cheese' that he orders all the time. No more information. I told him I was new, so I'd need more information, and he said, 'Oh no, you're new? Don't mess up my order!'

I'll...try not to? He was probably joking, but it was still irritating, and like, no pressure or anything - combined with the fact that I couldn't hear him and had to keep asking him to spell stuff. I can tell that the phone is going to be my nemesis at this place.

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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Tue Nov 26, 2013 7:22 pm 
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allularpunk wrote:
I get to work with customers again. Fun stuff. Generally, the HFS customers aren't bad (so far), but I had an irritating phone call last night. I already hate answering phones in general because my hearing isn't great, but this guy's connection was kind of bad and there was a kid screaming in the background. He said his name and said he was calling to order 'his cheese' that he orders all the time. No more information. I told him I was new, so I'd need more information, and he said, 'Oh no, you're new? Don't mess up my order!'

I'll...try not to? He was probably joking, but it was still irritating, and like, no pressure or anything - combined with the fact that I couldn't hear him and had to keep asking him to spell stuff. I can tell that the phone is going to be my nemesis at this place.


I hate talking to customers on the phone! Hard to hear, no body language, accidentally speaking at the same time, etc. I think it just makes me so uncomfortable that I get really straight to the point.

I actually had a customer complain to the front desk that I was rude to her on the phone, when I had to call to tell her that her dog was matted. It's not like I say "YOU NEVER BRUSH YOUR DOG." It's always something along the lines of "Hey, I just started working on Fluffy. He's pretty matted, so he'll have to get a short haircut." So they at least have the option to come get their dog if they don't believe me. (only happened once... they came back to daycare a week later, shaved somewhere else) Maybe I'm supposed to apologize for having to shave their dog. I don't know.


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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Tue Nov 26, 2013 9:44 pm 
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I had a customer flake on me this Thanksgiving. I'm pissed because I gave up time at home to take the job and then he never contacted me. So rude.

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 Post subject: Re: Very Special Customers/Clients
PostPosted: Tue Dec 03, 2013 12:14 pm 
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I've got two, from two different jobs. The first one deals with a student, and since they're the ones that give me the most grief at the gallery job, I'm considering them customers/clients for the sake of this thread. So this kid just came in and asked when the submission deadline for the juried show next semester is. I told him that my boss hadn't gotten me any info yet, but that it wouldn't be until early next semester and that we'd hang fliers when the time came. He then says to me, 'Well, I've been here long enough to know that sometimes it's at the end of the previous semester.' Uh, ok. I've been dealing with the art department for, oh, 14 years now, so congrats, dude. I told him that last semester we collected submissions the first and second week of the spring semester and that I saw no reason that we'd do it differently this year. He just looked at me. And then said, 'I just need to know, in case it's at the end of this semester.' !!! 'It's not, I promise you! There will be fliers all over when the time comes.' And he just walked away.

Last night at the HFS I checked out this older guy, his total was huge, like over $200, and of course the register freezes. It took a million years to fix it and in the end I had to re-ring up all his items, and really he was pretty cool about the fact that he had to wait around forever. But in the meantime, he wants to chat. First he starts by commenting on my tattoos...and says that he could never do that, because 'the good Lard doesn't like that sort of thing'. Off to a great start. Then he goes on to talk about how Sarah Palin is the most brilliant and amazing person on the planet, hunting is awesome and salmon just jump right into your net in Alaska, the air here is terrible and is causing everyone to get cancer, etc etc. I didn't even know what to say. To any of it.

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But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua


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