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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Thu Sep 05, 2013 10:37 am 
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ugh
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I don't think it's unreasonable to ask someone to do stuff for a wedding (or any other reason) as long as there isn't an expectation that answer must be yes. Unfortunately there are people out there who treat wedding attendance like a friendship test that you fail if you don't attend/give the "right" gift/etc., but I'm going to assume that your friend is a good and reasonable person who wouldn't do this.

Here are the options I can see:
(A) be a bridesmaid, do all the things, go broke, be stressed out
(B) be a bridesmaid, only do the things you can afford, maybe still be stressed out
(C) attend the wedding, but not as a bridesmaid
(D) do not attend the wedding and visit your friend later

Based on your answers above I'm guessing options A & B are not good ones for you.

If attendance alone is affordable and not too stressful, I would recommend option C, with a conversation about your reasons for doing so. If your friend insists on your involvement, you could suggest another way to be in the wedding without being one of the party - maybe you could do a reading? Then you get the involvement without all the other responsibilities.

Of course, option D is also a totally reasonable option. If either of you are sad about you not seeing the ceremony, perhaps you can arrange to Skype in? Or make watching the video (if she's taping it) part of your later get-together.

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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Thu Sep 05, 2013 12:31 pm 
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Nailed to the V
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^^^^ those're all great ideas!!

a couple years ago she went all the way to the UK to be a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding. when she shared that with me, she made it clear that she didn't enjoy the other bridesmaids' lack of help and corporation in events surrounding and at the ceremony. so i get the sense that she wants her bridesmaids to be pretty involved. she even expressed that we arrive several days in advance to help with preparations. she's also made it pretty clear that she wants everyone to have professional hair and make-up, so i think if i'm involved, i'm going to see a lot of expenses. i mean, she's got, like, 6 bridesmaids, so what's one less?

i think she's going to be pretty pissed off if i don't go, but i hope that our friendship is stronger than that? because i think that if i do go, i'll be the one with not only pent-up resentment, but also a woefully depleted savings.

grrr... why can't she have it in her home town where everyone (except one bridesmaid) still has family and is really cheap and actually quite popular for weddings?!

thanks so much for the thoughts and suggestions! i'm still trying to figure out how to break it to her/ talk to her about it without her getting too upset.


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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Thu Sep 05, 2013 12:56 pm 
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Drunk Dialed Ian MacKaye
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I think the idea to go visit after she's settled in and everything is a good idea. If you deplete your savings for someone's wedding, I think that would cause a pretty long-lasting resentment. If I were you, I'd also be unhappy about essentially losing a vacation, because of an obligation. I find vacation time really important though, so your mileage may vary. Hope you find something that works for you!

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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Fri Dec 20, 2013 11:52 pm 
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Drinks Wild Tofurkey
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!!!!!!!! I just got engaged!!!!!!!!

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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Sat Dec 21, 2013 3:14 am 
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Kitchens Planning Manchester
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Congrats!

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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Thu Dec 26, 2013 11:15 am 
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Drinks Wild Tofurkey
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thanks!

I think I will contain my wedding dramz to here so everyone doesn't have to listen to all that crepe. So far we have gotten as far as a a date and a city/location and everyone freaked out because it is Wisconsin in the winter. My parents are trying hard to be supportive, but I know my aunts are making her live crazy over it and my sister is saying if the weather is bad she won't come with her at-that-time 1 year old and won't be able to fly in either ( the flying is bull shiitake...her husband freaks about radiation from airplanes). I'm really disappointed because we are both really excited about it. S's dad was obnoxious about it, too. I mean, we live in Wisconsin, why wouldn't we want to get married here?

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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Thu Dec 26, 2013 11:38 am 
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Vegan Since Before There Were Vegetables
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Do what YOU want to do! Everyone bitched and moaned about my choices (winter wedding, Easter weekend, small, non-religious) but then ended up having a great time. I coach brides/grooms all the time at my job and I can't emphasize enough how important it is to stay relaxed, make the decision that seems right to you both, ENJOY both the planning and the day, and laugh off those silly family dramz things. Also prioritize the fun stuff (food! wedding night plans! drinks!) and don't go overboard on the stuff like decor and flowers because you'll forget all about that immediately. I barely even remember what my wedding looked like, but I DO remember and still crave my favourite wine that we served and the badass Indian buffet with more than five different vegan chutneys and sauces. There were like four one year olds at my wedding and they all arrived on planes and didn't die. :)

Also, I pointedly ignored stupid advice from family members unless it was a legit concern. Which was great, because I think it helped needy family members realize that they are guests, not dictators. My aunt and uncle refused to stay for dinner because I served only vegan food. A couple of days before, my aunt called my mum and begged her to convince me to have them be served meat. My mum was like "no, her choice" and also (yay mum!) explained that it is Indian food and much of that is traditionally vegetarian, and there wouldn't be anything too weird, and they can eat as much or as little as they want, but they still left before dinner because my uncle doesn't eat anything that isn't a burger and fries and my aunt is on a stupid Atkin's-like diet so whatever. I did love when my (very non-vegan) sister and brother-in-law were raving about the food in front of my aunt a couple of months ago.


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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Thu Dec 26, 2013 12:07 pm 
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Should Spend More Time Helping the Animals
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Fizzgig wrote:
!!!!!!!! I just got engaged!!!!!!!!

Yay!!!! Congrats!!!!

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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Thu Dec 26, 2013 12:30 pm 
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Drinks Wild Tofurkey
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Thanks, Rhiz!

Thank you, Vijita! Your wedding sounds amazing, so I feel a lot better...they had me questioning everything! So far we're planning January 3, 2015, which should make it easier for my sister, actually, since she's a teacher and that is the end of her break. We are looking at northern Wisconsin, which is where S is from, and it is gorgeous up there around now. We want a fire on the lake (the ice gets thick enough for a bonfire) the night before, and we are planning on brewing our own beer for the reception. We may also have a burrito bar/buffet for dinner because 1. burritos are delicious, 2. it is easy to satisfy my omni partner and my veg self, and 3. our pet name for each other is burrito.

Also, just wanted to say that S picked out an awesome ring! The band is meteorite and the stone is an orange-pink sapphire (lab made so no awful mining issues). I love it!

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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Thu Dec 26, 2013 12:40 pm 
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Drinks Wild Tofurkey
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Fizzgig wrote:
thanks!
( the flying is bull shiitake...her husband freaks about radiation from airplanes).



uh....


I had no idea that was a thing people believed.

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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Thu Dec 26, 2013 1:27 pm 
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Drinks Wild Tofurkey
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Invictus wrote:
Fizzgig wrote:
thanks!
( the flying is bull shiitake...her husband freaks about radiation from airplanes).



uh....


I had no idea that was a thing people believed.

...yeah. they're both very book smart, and I love them, but sometimes the things they say just make me shake my head...

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Love is like a pineapple, sweet and undefinable ~ Piet Hein


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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Thu Dec 26, 2013 4:50 pm 
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Drunk Dialed Ian MacKaye
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Invictus wrote:
Fizzgig wrote:
thanks!
( the flying is bull shiitake...her husband freaks about radiation from airplanes).



uh....


I had no idea that was a thing people believed.


My boyfriend's brother puts his body armour over his wireless router to protect his baby from radiation.

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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Thu Dec 26, 2013 6:34 pm 
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Should Spend More Time Helping the Animals
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Fizzgig wrote:
So far we're planning January 3, 2015, which should make it easier for my sister, actually, since she's a teacher and that is the end of her break. We are looking at northern Wisconsin, which is where S is from, and it is gorgeous up there around now. We want a fire on the lake (the ice gets thick enough for a bonfire) the night before, and we are planning on brewing our own beer for the reception. We may also have a burrito bar/buffet for dinner because 1. burritos are delicious, 2. it is easy to satisfy my omni partner and my veg self, and 3. our pet name for each other is burrito.

Also, just wanted to say that S picked out an awesome ring! The band is meteorite and the stone is an orange-pink sapphire (lab made so no awful mining issues). I love it!

This all sounds so lovely and exciting! Will you post a picture of your ring?

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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Thu Dec 26, 2013 7:19 pm 
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Drunk Dialed Ian MacKaye
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Rhizopus Oligosporus wrote:
Fizzgig wrote:
So far we're planning January 3, 2015, which should make it easier for my sister, actually, since she's a teacher and that is the end of her break. We are looking at northern Wisconsin, which is where S is from, and it is gorgeous up there around now. We want a fire on the lake (the ice gets thick enough for a bonfire) the night before, and we are planning on brewing our own beer for the reception. We may also have a burrito bar/buffet for dinner because 1. burritos are delicious, 2. it is easy to satisfy my omni partner and my veg self, and 3. our pet name for each other is burrito.

Also, just wanted to say that S picked out an awesome ring! The band is meteorite and the stone is an orange-pink sapphire (lab made so no awful mining issues). I love it!

This all sounds so lovely and exciting! Will you post a picture of your ring?


i'm with Rhizo, i'd love to see your ring as well, Fizzgig! also, CONGRATS!!!!! squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

do'n things your way is the way to go. we did things how we wanted to and everyone had an awesome time, despite the pre-wedding bitchfest. might i also say, i love that the ice gets thick enough for a bonfire. that is awesome in every way!


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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Thu Dec 26, 2013 7:49 pm 
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Drinks Wild Tofurkey
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I'll post one once I figure out how to get it off my phone! It is so pretty.

Thanks for all the support, PPK. You all are the best.

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Love is like a pineapple, sweet and undefinable ~ Piet Hein


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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Fri Dec 27, 2013 10:51 am 
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Mispronounces Daiya

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Congrats! Your wedding plans sound great.

(Vijita, great wedding advice, BTW.)


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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Fri Dec 27, 2013 11:51 am 
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Drinks Wild Tofurkey
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Here it is! You can see the meteorite pattern on the band...I love it. (sorry the pictures are so big)
Image
Image

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Love is like a pineapple, sweet and undefinable ~ Piet Hein


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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Fri Dec 27, 2013 5:46 pm 
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Should Spend More Time Helping the Animals
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Pretty!

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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Fri Dec 27, 2013 6:02 pm 
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Slept through a huge sale, OH NO!
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Beauty! Congratulations!

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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Sun Dec 29, 2013 7:42 pm 
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Drinks Wild Tofurkey
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Thanks!

I am hoping to get the information on a potential venue this week! I'm excited, because once I get that I feel like I can really start nailing things out and getting this thing planned.

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"I think I am going to turn into a chickpea." ~Dakini
Love is like a pineapple, sweet and undefinable ~ Piet Hein


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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Sun Dec 29, 2013 8:57 pm 
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Drunk Dialed Ian MacKaye
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oooooh, i love both the band and the sapphire, Fizzgig. the sapphire is such a beautiful color! also, i know i'm only seeing your finger, but the stone compliments your skin tone so well. it's such a lovely engagement ring. MEGAyay!


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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Mon Dec 30, 2013 12:12 am 
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happyfaced wrote:
i know i'm only seeing your finger, but the stone compliments your skin tone so well.

I was thinking the same thing!

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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Tue Jan 07, 2014 12:04 pm 
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Drinks Wild Tofurkey
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You all are so sweet. Love.

My relatives are making me crazy. Complaining about the weather (winter...ahhh!) but when I try to accommodate/show something awesome (one of the places we're looking at has snowshoe/snow mobile/ice skate rentals and trails and things), I'm told I don't need to sell it because it is my/S's day. Either you want to be accommodated or not but make up your minds, relatives! It makes me stress hardcore about this and I am going a bit insane already...

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Love is like a pineapple, sweet and undefinable ~ Piet Hein


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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Tue Jan 07, 2014 9:18 pm 
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Drinks Wild Tofurkey
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Beautiful ring, fizzgig! Good luck with your relatives. We got a lot of skepticism from our families about our ceremony (the joys of being related to negative people!) and it all worked out great regardless. I love the idea of a fire on the lake. So unique!

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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Fri Jan 10, 2014 5:58 am 
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This is the dress I like best so far, I've tried searching for similar but haven't found anything! Lots of people keep weighing in on what I should wear which I think is odd as anyone who knows me understands I have a certain style of dressing.


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