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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Mon Jan 13, 2014 3:28 pm 
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fupapack wrote:
I haven't talked to my mother for years, maybe 7. There's pressure to invite her. I'm going to let her come because I don't care I don't have to talk to her or whatever and if she acts a fool I can kick her out. But I'm starting to have nightmares about her! What does this mean!?

Eep. It's clearly stressing you out!

I hadn't talked to my grandfather is 10+ years and didn't invite him to my wedding. There was so much family pressure to invite him, but ultimately it didn't feel right to invite someone to my wedding who had made absolutely no effort to be apart of my life for over a decade. A year later I still feel like I made the right call. I hope you can make the decision that is ultimately right for you, not for everyone else!

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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Wed Jan 15, 2014 9:17 am 
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fupapack wrote:
I haven't talked to my mother for years, maybe 7. There's pressure to invite her. I'm going to let her come because I don't care I don't have to talk to her or whatever and if she acts a fool I can kick her out. But I'm starting to have nightmares about her! What does this mean!?


I had completely separate receptions in different cities to deal with my parent based wedding stress. If you mom is even remotely the sort to potentially cause a ruckus, I wouldn't invite her. It's your wedding, invite who you want and if anyone disagrees with you remind them that it isn't their wedding! You shouldn't have to spend the whole time worrying about what she might or might not do.

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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Wed Jan 15, 2014 9:40 am 
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I have a friend who got married last summer. She considered inviting her mom, but realized the idea was making her anxious, upset, and physically ill. She decided not to invite her mom and has not regretted that choice. You have to decide what feels right for you, but I can tell you that I would not invite anyone who I hadn't seen in 7 years to my wedding.

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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Wed Jan 15, 2014 9:56 am 
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If your mother is really toxic, I would just avoid her. When I got engaged in my 20s and was planning a wedding, I invited my mother who was a very bitter and unhappy person at that time. She then managed to make me so unhappy about my wedding (talking about how she wouldn't come and everyone would realize what a piece of shiitake I was that even my own mother didn't care about me etc) and she wouldn't stop even though I was crying hysterically and begging her to just stop. I then cut off contact with her for a few years. Toxic people can spoil the happiest times if you let them. She has been dead for 5 years but man that memory is still so painful.

I hope you have a happy wedding day, surrounded by people who love you and make you feel only good things.

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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Wed Jan 15, 2014 8:04 pm 
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Hi guys! So I'm at the point where I'm starting to plan (but it seems like none of the plans are quite right, then I get frustrated and take a break). We got engaged on NYE and the plan thus far is a simple ceremony (maybe even court house), followed by a potluck in a local park with heaps of friends/family, then possibly going to Hawaii for a week. I was trying to plan getting married in Hawaii or California on the beach but it seems like too much work. I totally don't want the whole typical wedding thing, just something super low key and then focus on the reception-y party after ward.

Most difficult is keeping in mind that I have to have money and paid time off from work saved because we are going to the UK later this year for a few weeks to spend time with/have a gathering for his family, who aren't really in a position to travel here.

Any general suggestions? I already know I can't please everyone.


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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Wed Jan 22, 2014 10:30 pm 
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I have no suggestions because I'm already not pleasing people left and right around here...wedding dramz.

My sister is kind of notorious for laying extensive groundwork for not attending things. She has already made comments about not being able to travel to my wedding because of the stuff for the baby (who will be a year and 3 days when I get married) or because of the weather (because bad weather only happens in the winter?). I was planning on having her as my matron of honor but I'm worried she won't show, especially since her husband and I had a falling out recently. So the long and short of it is...I think I'd rather have her do a reading instead so if she doesn't show I can just cut that portion out. Does anyone have a suggestion of a good reading? Song lyrics, poems, passages? I'm drawing a blank and most of what I find when I google is really sappy.

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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Wed Jan 22, 2014 10:35 pm 
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I'm deciding to not invite my mother. I saw her at a funereal and she is just such a shitbag.


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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Wed Jan 22, 2014 10:53 pm 
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fupapack wrote:
I'm deciding to not invite my mother. I saw her at a funereal and she is just such a shitbag.

I'm sorry you had to make that decision, but I'm happy that you have come to a decision that you're comfortable with. <3

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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Wed Jan 22, 2014 11:04 pm 
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I am sorry your mom is a shitbag, but happy that you have some peace around your decision not to invite her. I hope the rest of your wedding planning time is focussed on more pleasant things.

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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Thu Jan 23, 2014 9:17 am 
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Yeah, I think it will be! Now that that's out of the way! I'm kinda glad my fiance talked me out of going to the courthouse. There's lots of people who really like us and want to be part of the celebration. It's a nice feeling.

We've already got the venue down and most of the details hammered into place. We just have to work on catering and picking a photog.

I'm not super excited about dress shopping. I had some bridal appointments with my bud the other as she's getting married too. Good gravy. I hate everything that is in most shops and the sales ladies are so pushy! Which is funny because I'm a saleslady. After the appointment we got into my car and my buddy asked me why I was being so weird and "shy". Once you make eye contact with a saleswoman it's all over; then their spell can be focused! Plus so many of those dresses are made of silk!


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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Thu Jan 23, 2014 10:13 am 
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fupapack wrote:

I'm not super excited about dress shopping. I had some bridal appointments with my bud the other as she's getting married too. Good gravy. I hate everything that is in most shops and the sales ladies are so pushy! Which is funny because I'm a saleslady. After the appointment we got into my car and my buddy asked me why I was being so weird and "shy". Once you make eye contact with a saleswoman it's all over; then their spell can be focused! Plus so many of those dresses are made of silk!


After seeing that dress you posted, I can only imagine how hard it would be to find something similar and vegan in a store. You should absolutely have it made. Also I'm happy you were able to come to a decision about your mom, it sucks to have to do it, but you'll be so much happier in the long run without that stress hanging over you.

I ordered my dress from Modcloth for $100. No regrets.

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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Thu Jan 23, 2014 10:17 am 
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I've been in contact with the maker of the dress hoping I could have it made with bamboo or something like that. No dice. I make a fair amount of my clothes so I may have to make it. The last time I was married I bought a beautiful dress from H&M, this time around I'm going more formal.


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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Thu Jan 23, 2014 10:46 am 
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Fizzgig wrote:
...I think I'd rather have her do a reading instead so if she doesn't show I can just cut that portion out. Does anyone have a suggestion of a good reading? Song lyrics, poems, passages? I'm drawing a blank and most of what I find when I google is really sappy.

My number one wedding reading suggestion is Dr. Seuss Oh The Places You'll Go with a few minor changes so that it sounds like it's being read to the couple rather than an individual. And at the end where it says "be your name..." change the names to the family and friends of the couple. You can also cut out part of the middle if it is too long.

Some Shakespeare sonnets can be nice options.

You'll have to do some searching to find this one, but I remember Dan Savage suggesting a beautiful quote that discussed the importance and meaning of marriage to individuals and society. At the end he revealed that this was a judge's words on why marriage equality was important, but it absolutely does not read like dry legal talk, and it never actually mentions gender, so it's appropriate for any couple's wedding.

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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Thu Jan 23, 2014 11:20 am 
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Rhizopus Oligosporus wrote:
You'll have to do some searching to find this one, but I remember Dan Savage suggesting a beautiful quote that discussed the importance and meaning of marriage to individuals and society. At the end he revealed that this was a judge's words on why marriage equality was important, but it absolutely does not read like dry legal talk, and it never actually mentions gender, so it's appropriate for any couple's wedding.


Was it the Goodridge statement? It seems popular.

http://weddings.about.com/b/2012/07/30/ ... y-know.htm

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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Thu Jan 23, 2014 5:42 pm 
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Moon wrote:
I ordered my dress from Modcloth for $100. No regrets.
Awesome idea. I've been looking at "casual" dresses on Nordstrom or Macy's .com

I don't really want the focus on me at all, so weddings kinda freak me out.


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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Thu Jan 23, 2014 6:06 pm 
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Moon wrote:
Rhizopus Oligosporus wrote:
You'll have to do some searching to find this one, but I remember Dan Savage suggesting a beautiful quote that discussed the importance and meaning of marriage to individuals and society. At the end he revealed that this was a judge's words on why marriage equality was important, but it absolutely does not read like dry legal talk, and it never actually mentions gender, so it's appropriate for any couple's wedding.


Was it the Goodridge statement? It seems popular.

http://weddings.about.com/b/2012/07/30/ ... y-know.htm

thanks, both of you! that is helpful to have a couple of places to look. I was also thinking it might be nice to let her help in picking it out...make it fun/involving for her so she doesn't feel pushed aside.d

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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Fri Jan 24, 2014 3:56 am 
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Sorry about your mom, fupa. My mother tried to ruin my wedding and it's something that still peas me off. You've got to protect yourself.

Your passage doesn't have to necessarily be about love, etc. I couldn't find anything that didn't make me feel overly sappy or corny. We got married in a redwood grove and it was really important to us to reflect on nature and beauty, so my maid of honor read a passage by Thoreau.

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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Sat Feb 01, 2014 8:13 pm 
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What happened at your wedding if you don't mind me asking?


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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Sun Feb 02, 2014 10:21 am 
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Fizzgig wrote:
Moon wrote:
Rhizopus Oligosporus wrote:
You'll have to do some searching to find this one, but I remember Dan Savage suggesting a beautiful quote that discussed the importance and meaning of marriage to individuals and society. At the end he revealed that this was a judge's words on why marriage equality was important, but it absolutely does not read like dry legal talk, and it never actually mentions gender, so it's appropriate for any couple's wedding.


Was it the Goodridge statement? It seems popular.

http://weddings.about.com/b/2012/07/30/ ... y-know.htm

thanks, both of you! that is helpful to have a couple of places to look. I was also thinking it might be nice to let her help in picking it out...make it fun/involving for her so she doesn't feel pushed aside.d

I read it a long time ago, so I'm not sure, but that is probably it. I think the way I read it the word "civil" had been taken out, so it just said "marriage", which seems more appropriate for a reading. I think asking your sister to help select the reading is a great idea Fizzgig!

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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Sun Feb 02, 2014 10:24 am 
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Moon wrote:
I ordered my dress from Modcloth for $100. No regrets.

Picture???

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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Sun Feb 02, 2014 4:07 pm 
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Wedding planning is more stressful than I anticipated. I thought that going outside the traditional stuff would make it easier but it turns out it just means I spend more time trying to explain what I'm doing and ultimately going with something more traditional. Just need to commiserate about the numerous opinions given and the dramz. Hold me, PPK.

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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Fri Mar 07, 2014 3:23 am 
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fupapack wrote:
What happened at your wedding if you don't mind me asking?

Sorry, I just now saw your post!

She has narcissistic/borderline personality disorder so everything has to focus around that person. She picked fights with my bridesmaids, maid of honor, officiant and his wife for 3 days before the wedding. Everything was diy so we all spent a lot of time in my apartment preparing and she did all she could to drive people away because she didn't like them. She was verbally abusive to me, interfered with preparations day-of and made me late to the ceremony, got upset and disappeared during the cake cutting and missed it, then had a meltdown because she said we didn't pay enough respect to her and wait to do the cutting till she returned. Basically tried to make everyone as miserable as her, being a major downer. Fortunately, everyone else was so awesome and positive that we still had an amazing time. I didn't have the boundaries set then that I do now. If I could go back and do everything again I'd draw some really clear lines so that I didn't spend more time thinking about her than I did my wedding! I think if someone in your life is toxic, you have to seriously consider if it's worth having them around. Like, after 2 years of growth I'm thinking of not inviting her to my graduation in June, just because it's pointless to have someone ruin milestones.

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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Fri Mar 07, 2014 5:51 am 
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After being at an impasse for months in the planing process, everything is suddenly falling into place at once.

Invitations are going out this weekend (it's more of a formality, we called all the guests on the phone individually when we got engaged). Lots of people have confirmed already, many flying into town several days before the wedding day, to help and hang out. I feel so grateful for these friends, I was really worried that with so many guests living overseas we'd have poor attendance. Almost everyone who has RSVPed has spontaneously offered some form of practical help.

We're going to have a civil ceremony only, and a garden reception at my grandparents'. Lots of food, drinks, some dancing and board games (we need activities that transcend language barriers!)
Food will likely be a mix of home-made and higher scale takeout. We already have the wine (from a small but really interesting local chateau). I'm thinking of gifting local delicacies as favors too - black cherry jam and Espelette pepper flakes.
Most of our guests are staying at local campsites, and a few who have less disposable income will pitch their tents in the garden. So the reception might just turn into a giant slumber party.

Administratively, Wally's file is almost complete and it looks like it's going to go through smoothly (this part literally made me cry from anxiety several times. Screw you controlled immigration).

I have been taken aback by how little I've enjoyed this planning thing, given how much & how long I had wanted to get married. It's a good thing I really love the dude, he's been the most enjoyable part of this engagement.


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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Fri Mar 07, 2014 8:16 pm 
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That sounds lovely, aelle! I hope it continues to fall into place and doesn't make you crazy...

My wedding is becoming something not really related to what we initially thought it would be, but I think it will be pretty and my guests will enjoy it and S and I will be married at the end, which is the key part. Wedding costs and balancing everyone's conflicting opinions is exhausting though! And in under 2 weeks my parents are coming for dress shopping already! I am terrified and excited.

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 Post subject: Re: weddings are annoying, but...
PostPosted: Sat Mar 15, 2014 8:19 am 
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Belated congrats to everyone getting hitched!!

In two days, my wedding will be two months away exactly. FINALLY. I mean, picking out some stuff has been fun, but we've been planning for sooo loooooong I just want to do it and go on a honeymoon already!

I realized I haven't posted much about it here since I first got engaged, so here are some fun details:
- The venue is an industrial museum with lots of old machinery and clock stuff, therefore:
- We are having a steampunk-themed wedding!
- One of our favorite restaurants is catering so we will have delicious Middle Eastern food served
- Rather than one big cake we're getting several small ones (as well as pies!) from a local bakery
- For our honeymoon, we are road-tripping from San Francisco to Portland, including a stop at the all-vegan Stanford Inn in Mendocino!

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