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weddings are annoying, but...
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Author:  B_A_D [ Sat Jun 16, 2012 2:45 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: weddings are annoying, but...

congrats!

Potluck receptions are always fun, but it sounds like you have a swell food thing going on. There are plenty of cheap and diy wedding options but you'll need to account for time and planning (which you may have a lot to do). That being said Etsy or other craft communities sometimes have cheap and cute handmade place cards/invitations and other wedding stuff.

Author:  ameyfm [ Sat Jun 16, 2012 3:34 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: weddings are annoying, but...

tinglepants! wrote:
Nebraskalaska wrote:

I don't think weddings are annoying, I think weddings are forking awesome. Two people comitting to eachother for the rest of their lives is awesome! The wedding industry and consumer nature of modern weddings sucks.


Yes! This! My fella and I are planning a 100-guest wedding, and if anyone had told me a year ago that I'd be doing this, I'd think they were crazy. While I'm a hopeless romantic at heart, I've donned the cynic-cape for so long that it took me a few months to get used to the idea that holy crepe! we're spending money that could be put down on a house! and I'm wearing a freaking long and girly dress! What the hell?

And then I had to think about it a lot differently: we're really investing in a day of not-arbitrary celebration. People who've been close to us for a long time will get to share in that--and when I think of my long-distance friends who haven't ever seen me so happy, or how tickled my parents are because do they ever love my fiance, and how all of his friends that he's kept close to for more than a decade will be nothing but smiles...that's a huge deal.

And for anyone having a big wedding: it doesn't have to be a production or a spectacle. Neither my fella nor I care if things aren't perfect. All the money we're spending is going entirely to local business--our venue is a local brewery and I'm even having my dress made out of sweatshop-free materials. Given all of the above, I've really stopped stressing about the event. And damn if I'm ever looking forward to writing my own vows and telling a room full of people just how fantastic the love of my life is.

I sincerely hope I did not just cause anyone's head to figuratively explode with sentimentality. Or literally, for that matter.

My point is: it feels really good to ditch the "weird" feeling and just own all the ways in which you want this celebration. Because if you didn't want it, you'd have gone to the courthouse already.


Tingle pants! Your comment is the best. I love it so much.

Yes, I really agree with you. After 12.5 years together, a big part of actually getting married is to have a ceremony, and include our families. Especially our parents who are all so excited. We're trying to keep it small, which means not inviting most of our friends.... But it s really helpful for me just to remember why we're doing it. Musty keeps saying "as long as we're married by the end of the day!"

Our one big splurge is on the food. I have two good friends who i go to yoga with, and they are going to cater it - all vegan of course! I am really stoked. Since no one in Santa Cruz really makes good cakes, we are going to make a big mess of cookies instead.

Author:  fruitbat [ Sat Jun 16, 2012 3:44 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: weddings are annoying, but...

Best wishes to all the PPKers who are getting married (or weddinged as the case might be)!

I think you should do whatever makes sense to you. When my sister got married it was a tiny affair with about 10 people. We had thai food at his parents place after the ceremony. I think I got my invitation either via email or text a few weeks before the event and I lived about an hours trainride away at the time. Perfectly normal for my family. Your milage may vary...

Author:  Thessaly [ Sat Jun 16, 2012 4:58 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: weddings are annoying, but...

I hardly ever post anymore, but I am also wedding planning. Around 60 people, probably next fall. All the nice venues in the city are like $3000+ for just the space so I'm honestly avoiding planning anything yet. We could do a reception at my fiance's sister's house, but then parking would be a caramel cluster since it's in the city. Problems, problems!

Author:  kilgore trout [ Sat Jun 16, 2012 6:15 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: weddings are annoying, but...

Congratulations, wedding-people! I am sure that all of your weddings will be of the excellent and non-annoying variety.

Author:  tenderoni [ Sat Jun 16, 2012 6:15 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: weddings are annoying, but...

ameyfm wrote:
tinglepants! wrote:
Nebraskalaska wrote:

I don't think weddings are annoying, I think weddings are forking awesome. Two people comitting to eachother for the rest of their lives is awesome! The wedding industry and consumer nature of modern weddings sucks.


Yes! This! My fella and I are planning a 100-guest wedding, and if anyone had told me a year ago that I'd be doing this, I'd think they were crazy. While I'm a hopeless romantic at heart, I've donned the cynic-cape for so long that it took me a few months to get used to the idea that holy crepe! we're spending money that could be put down on a house! and I'm wearing a freaking long and girly dress! What the hell?

And then I had to think about it a lot differently: we're really investing in a day of not-arbitrary celebration. People who've been close to us for a long time will get to share in that--and when I think of my long-distance friends who haven't ever seen me so happy, or how tickled my parents are because do they ever love my fiance, and how all of his friends that he's kept close to for more than a decade will be nothing but smiles...that's a huge deal.

And for anyone having a big wedding: it doesn't have to be a production or a spectacle. Neither my fella nor I care if things aren't perfect. All the money we're spending is going entirely to local business--our venue is a local brewery and I'm even having my dress made out of sweatshop-free materials. Given all of the above, I've really stopped stressing about the event. And damn if I'm ever looking forward to writing my own vows and telling a room full of people just how fantastic the love of my life is.

I sincerely hope I did not just cause anyone's head to figuratively explode with sentimentality. Or literally, for that matter.

My point is: it feels really good to ditch the "weird" feeling and just own all the ways in which you want this celebration. Because if you didn't want it, you'd have gone to the courthouse already.


Tingle pants! Your comment is the best. I love it so much.

Yes, I really agree with you. After 12.5 years together, a big part of actually getting married is to have a ceremony, and include our families. Especially our parents who are all so excited. We're trying to keep it small, which means not inviting most of our friends.... But it s really helpful for me just to remember why we're doing it. Musty keeps saying "as long as we're married by the end of the day!"

Our one big splurge is on the food. I have two good friends who i go to yoga with, and they are going to cater it - all vegan of course! I am really stoked. Since no one in Santa Cruz really makes good cakes, we are going to make a big mess of cookies instead.

Black China makes really amazing vegan cakes, just an fyi!

Author:  PeaBeeJay [ Sat Jun 16, 2012 9:00 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: weddings are annoying, but...

vijita wrote:
I'm not doing a bridal party or anything. Mostly because I have two sisters and then Jay's sister, so I'd have to have three plus a friend if I wanted to have someone I really hang out with, and that seems excessive for such a small wedding. Plus some of these traditions are just silly to me. Tradition for tradition's sake.

I really don't want people fawning over me as a bride. That's so not me! They can fawn over my cat. Because that's what I do.


Congrats!

I didn't do bridal party either -- I did have a flower girl, but that was only because I had an adorable niece who was just the right age. I didn't want to be walked down the aisle by my father (or mother, or both). Instead, my husband and I walked into the ceremony together.

I can recommend a great photographer on Vancouver Island if you want professional photos.

Author:  GreenDuck [ Sun Jun 17, 2012 7:10 am ]
Post subject:  Re: weddings are annoying, but...

At a wedding that I went to they had lots of people bring homemade food that was laid out and we went out a table at a time and helped ourselves. I'm pretty sure they did have a wedding cake to cut, but the dessert was more of the same. It was great; I had some delicious tiramisu!
This was pre-veg and there weren't any labels on things, so if you had people coming with allergies or dietary restrictions different from your own, labels would be important. Also I suppose it might be hard to find enough people confident to bring awesome vegan food, depending on your friends and relatives.

What I'm trying to say is you certainly don't have to do a traditional wedding cake.
Pies and truffles are awesome. And I haven't been to many weddings, but I think sometimes people don't serve cake as a dessert? Instead you get a piece of it to take home and remember the wedding. Yeah, you're supposed to put it under your pillow to dream of your future husband, so that must be a thing. But there doesn't have to be any cake at all.

Author:  vijita [ Sun Jun 17, 2012 9:41 am ]
Post subject:  Re: weddings are annoying, but...

I just had my first little bit of wedding planning drama! It was a ripple, at best. My sister (one of seven different people I'm inviting from the US) was huffy because the date we've chosen (March 30, 2013) is not a long weekend in the states. Um, sorry! I just need you for one night. This is not a long drawn-out, wedding weekend, it's just a Saturday evening affair. She also started freaking out about her baby not yet having a passport. I think nine months is plenty of time to apply for your baby's passport, no?

I wouldn't be so nonchalant about this if my sister actually cared about my life and made an effort with me, but she doesn't. I think she's actually miffed that I'm engaged and somewhat taking the attention away from her new baby. Whatevs!

Author:  ameyfm [ Mon Jun 18, 2012 11:40 am ]
Post subject:  Re: weddings are annoying, but...

Dramaz!
My little mantra is "It'll be fine, It'll be fun."
so as soon as any little stress arises, I just remind myself that it's no big deal, and we'll have a good time in the end.

Just now I am printing out my invitations and they look so cute! I am stoked!

Author:  joyfulgirl [ Mon Jun 18, 2012 12:15 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: weddings are annoying, but...

Yay! Congrats! Your sister is being ridiculous. She has plenty of time to get a passport and take a day off if she must!

Author:  coldandsleepy [ Mon Jun 18, 2012 12:27 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: weddings are annoying, but...

Your sister is being super silly. 9 months is way long enough to get a passport. And then if she decides she wants to send the baby to Antarctica, she'll have the passport already.

Author:  vijita [ Wed Jun 20, 2012 10:44 am ]
Post subject:  Re: weddings are annoying, but...

Thanks guys. My sister is pretty silly. I'm going to choose not to care about any of this because I bent over backwards for her ridiculously huge wedding (and bought a stupid bridesmaid dress when I was insanely broke) and all I'm asking from her is one evening at a beautiful farm in a lovely place.

Amey, I so want to see your invitations!

I have a meeting this morning with the event planner at the cidery. It feels so weird! All I really care about is good vegan food, good booze, and that we have the ceremony in the orchard. Which could become problematic in March in British Columbia, but Jay and I both agree that we would happily be married in the rain (this IS what we live with!) and we could provide umbrellas for the guests. And tell everyone to wear hiking boots. I want to wear hiking boots! But I also want the cat to come, so....

Author:  bodhi [ Wed Jun 20, 2012 10:58 am ]
Post subject:  Re: weddings are annoying, but...

vijita wrote:
I have a meeting this morning with the event planner at the cidery. It feels so weird! All I really care about is good vegan food, good booze, and that we have the ceremony in the orchard. Which could become problematic in March in British Columbia, but Jay and I both agree that we would happily be married in the rain (this IS what we live with!) and we could provide umbrellas for the guests. And tell everyone to wear hiking boots. I want to wear hiking boots! But I also want the cat to come, so....

That sounds so wonderful! If my partner and I ever bother to have a wedding, it would hopefully be something very much like that. And we would hope for rain. Hope your meeting went well!

Author:  Fizzgig [ Wed Jun 20, 2012 12:39 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: weddings are annoying, but...

congrats to all the PPK soon-to-be-marrieds! yay! I love reading about all the interesting and lovely things you all have done for weddings and celebrations; they sound so wonderful. <3

Author:  vijita [ Wed Jun 20, 2012 6:07 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: weddings are annoying, but...

bodhi wrote:
vijita wrote:
I have a meeting this morning with the event planner at the cidery. It feels so weird! All I really care about is good vegan food, good booze, and that we have the ceremony in the orchard. Which could become problematic in March in British Columbia, but Jay and I both agree that we would happily be married in the rain (this IS what we live with!) and we could provide umbrellas for the guests. And tell everyone to wear hiking boots. I want to wear hiking boots! But I also want the cat to come, so....

That sounds so wonderful! If my partner and I ever bother to have a wedding, it would hopefully be something very much like that. And we would hope for rain. Hope your meeting went well!

thanks! Meeting went great. We have an astonishingly cheap quote due to my employment at the cidery, and the event planner is wiling to bend all sort of rules for me. I hope it pours. I'll buy umbrellas for everyone but myself. I like rain!

Author:  aelle [ Thu Jun 21, 2012 2:12 am ]
Post subject:  Re: weddings are annoying, but...

Can I use this thread for a question on wedding etiquette? I am on the guest side, and maybe the future brides of the PPK can offer some perspective.

So I'm going to my cousin's wedding this summer, for which Wally and I are flying in internationally and paying several hundreds of dollars' worth of hotels. I confirmed my attendance once we had all of our transportation secured and were 100% sure we could make it. Now my cousin e-mails me to say that "boyfriends and girlfriends of guests" were not included in the invitation. He's very polite and apologetic about it, but still. 1. Our flights are non refundable, and 2. I am pretty annoyed at having my partner of 5 years with whom I have a furry family and a joint account, with whom I would have been married for over a year if we hadn't been abroad until now, dismissed as my "boyfriend" (apparently spouses can come).

Obviously we're not going to crash the wedding, but am I reasonably allowed to feel pissed?

Also, all of the other weddings that we've been invited to this year, partners were implicitly included. What's the deal?

Author:  Mars [ Thu Jun 21, 2012 3:14 am ]
Post subject:  Re: weddings are annoying, but...

Oh no they din't!

Basically, they're terrible! Who the fork would ever want to go to a wedding without someone they love to keep them from being bored to death?!

Author:  iamafoodie [ Thu Jun 21, 2012 3:32 am ]
Post subject:  Re: weddings are annoying, but...

Best wishes and congratulations! was it hard trimming your guestlist to just 30? I'm used to attending weddings with at least 50 guests, so hearing you've only got 30 was something new :) I wish I could do that in my own wedding, which is unlikely to happen in years :))

Anyway, I don't think weddings are annoying like nebraskalaska said. I love getting invites from relatives. Makes me all giddy for them. Haha!

Do keep us posted about your wedding plans if you don't mind :p

Author:  vijita [ Thu Jun 21, 2012 8:58 am ]
Post subject:  Re: weddings are annoying, but...

aelle wrote:
Can I use this thread for a question on wedding etiquette? I am on the guest side, and maybe the future brides of the PPK can offer some perspective.

So I'm going to my cousin's wedding this summer, for which Wally and I are flying in internationally and paying several hundreds of dollars' worth of hotels. I confirmed my attendance once we had all of our transportation secured and were 100% sure we could make it. Now my cousin e-mails me to say that "boyfriends and girlfriends of guests" were not included in the invitation. He's very polite and apologetic about it, but still. 1. Our flights are non refundable, and 2. I am pretty annoyed at having my partner of 5 years with whom I have a furry family and a joint account, with whom I would have been married for over a year if we hadn't been abroad until now, dismissed as my "boyfriend" (apparently spouses can come).

Obviously we're not going to crash the wedding, but am I reasonably allowed to feel pissed?

Also, all of the other weddings that we've been invited to this year, partners were implicitly included. What's the deal?

I would totally be pissed. I am admittedly grumbly about precious chairs and vegan meals being used for partners whom I don't really love that much when they could be used for awesome friends, but I would never do something like that. My cousin is also getting married this summer (in London a day after the Olympic opening ceremonies, so I can't afford it and am therefore not going), but I was happy that he invited Jay as well, even though they've never met.

So basically, yes! Feel pissed!

iamafoodie...it was only hard in the sense that I didn't invite some family members (cousins I never see, friends who were BFFs way back when but now we only like each others' shiitake on Facebook, etc) that my parents would have expected me to invite. But really, I've been warning my parents for years that my wedding is going to be VERY untraditional and SO MUCH unlike my sister's (which was huge and religious) so I think they are pretty much fine.

Author:  tinglepants! [ Thu Jun 21, 2012 9:58 am ]
Post subject:  Re: weddings are annoying, but...

aelle wrote:
Can I use this thread for a question on wedding etiquette? I am on the guest side, and maybe the future brides of the PPK can offer some perspective.

So I'm going to my cousin's wedding this summer, for which Wally and I are flying in internationally and paying several hundreds of dollars' worth of hotels. I confirmed my attendance once we had all of our transportation secured and were 100% sure we could make it. Now my cousin e-mails me to say that "boyfriends and girlfriends of guests" were not included in the invitation. He's very polite and apologetic about it, but still. 1. Our flights are non refundable, and 2. I am pretty annoyed at having my partner of 5 years with whom I have a furry family and a joint account, with whom I would have been married for over a year if we hadn't been abroad until now, dismissed as my "boyfriend" (apparently spouses can come).

Obviously we're not going to crash the wedding, but am I reasonably allowed to feel pissed?

Also, all of the other weddings that we've been invited to this year, partners were implicitly included. What's the deal?


I'd probably be a petulant asparagus and decide not to attend the wedding, and instead decide the trip was vacation time with my partner. Of course, I know that's not what you're going to do, and it would bear some pretty sore consequences...but I'd be mad enough to do that! So it isn't at all unreasonable to feel pissed.

Standard etiquette has changed to allow for the exclusion of "plus ones" for your single guests, but no way should anyone exclude a long-time partner.

Author:  ameyfm [ Thu Jun 21, 2012 6:12 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: weddings are annoying, but...

tinglepants! wrote:

Standard etiquette has changed to allow for the exclusion of "plus ones" for your single guests, but no way should anyone exclude a long-time partner.



Yeah, I'm sorry aelle. That really sucks, especially since you've already bought the tickets and everything! I just wanted to say that I had something similar to this happen to me once, and it really stung, and I ended up not going to the wedding at all. I think it's fine to invite single people who don't have an s.o. to come alone - especially if they will know other people at the wedding and won't feel lonely. But if someone has an established relationship, I am definitely inviting them. Plus, weddings are romantic (ideally, anyway) and who wants to be at a romantic wedding missing their boyfriend??

Like Vijita said, it's definitely hard figuring out everyone to invite, and inviting partners and boyfriends and such does mean having a lot of people there that you don't really know. For example, I have seven really great friends that I've had most of my life. I definitely wanted to invite them to my wedding! But, inviting them means inviting their partners and spouses and families, and suddenly that's already 25 people... which is the total number of people I even wanted in the first place! So, I've compromised and made my wedding a bit bigger so that everyone can be happy. I'm surprised your cousin can't make an exception for Wally - especially since there was a misunderstanding and you've already spent the money.

Anyhow, I feel for you.

Author:  couroupita [ Thu Jun 21, 2012 7:25 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: weddings are annoying, but...

Aelle, that's really lame! Our friends were married two years ago and specifically noted on their RSVP cards "we have reserved you X number of seats", preventing people from bringing a date. For them it was because the venue was small and they could only afford to feed 50 people. They did include long-term SOs, though for the most part they knew and were friends with them already. But your situation is different since you have to travel so far and especially because you are not single! Your partner should have been included....maybe your cousin wasn't aware you are in a relationship? Is it out of the question to ask if he can join you?

Sorry you're dealing with issues from your sister, vijita! Especially since you were so supportive at her wedding! We've been dealing with dramaz from some of our close friends and family because they're acting like it's an inconvenience to even show up. They just have other things they'd rather be doing that day. It sucks to feel mad at and hurt by loved ones (and then I feel like a jerk for feeling upset!).

Also my parents have said they really want to escort me down the aisle. I was planning to just walk to the front with my partner instead of being presented to him, but it's one of those times where it's better to go along to get along, I guess!

Author:  aelle [ Fri Jun 22, 2012 3:07 am ]
Post subject:  Re: weddings are annoying, but...

Thanks for the support and feedback, you guys. I emailed my cousin back, apologizing for not checking with him earlier, saying that I understand and respect that they want an intimate ceremony, and asking if Wally could at least come to the informal barbecue reception the next day (heh... it's not like we're going to put a big dent in their meat budget...) I was as apologetic and polite as I could, but I still feel like a dick for pushing it.

I realize that if it had been a wedding in town or within a reasonable driving or train distance I wouldn't have assumed anything about partners or families being included. But we're flying in from abroad for 3 days!

I feel for everyone else who is experiencing family drama. Families are hard to deal with sometimes!

Author:  chop_socky [ Fri Jun 22, 2012 7:54 am ]
Post subject:  Re: weddings are annoying, but...

We were on a serious budget, and a professional photographer was the first thing we nixed from our list. We asked a friend to take some nice pictures of the ceremony and reception, and we left disposable black and white cameras on the reception tables for our guests to use throughout the evening. We ended up with roll after roll of awesome photos (including a roll of awesomely dirty ones that the groomsmen took in the bathroom)!

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