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 Post subject: Moving home as an adult.
PostPosted: Thu Sep 20, 2012 9:42 am 
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Have any of you done it? Was it hard? Any advice?

I'm 26 now and have been living away from my parents for 6 years now (by away, I pretty much mean a 5 minute walk, my Dad babysits my dog while I am at work so I see him everyday and I also work with my mother) and I love living alone. I enjoy my space, my privacy and just not having anyone around to peas me off in general.

However, I am broke. Pretty much most of my money goes straight on bills and unless I stay in the house forever, which is ok most of the time but sometimes I want to, I don't know, buy new jeans to replace the pair that are worn down to nothing or join my friends when they go out or buy new shampoo, then I can't save any money. I need to save money to pay off my debts, which granted are not much (and I am not counting my student loan which is a lot) but it would be nice to get rid of them. On top of that I am going through a tough time getting my bipolar meds sorted and I have had really nasty side effects and my moods are all over the show and things are a little tough at the minute, so my parents suggested i move home for a while with them and my sister.

I don't really know what I am going to do yet but I would love some advice or to hear what your experiences have been. I kind of take pride in the fact that I have stayed on my own even though I have struggled and moving home would mean giving up some independence, even if only for a year or two.


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 Post subject: Re: Moving home as an adult.
PostPosted: Thu Sep 20, 2012 9:50 am 
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I have retuned home a couple of times after periods living alone, living with a bf, living overseas, etc.
I saw it a little as living with roommates: no walking around naked (which was ok on my own or with the bf), taking tuns when in the kitchen, schedule the morning bathroom usage... that kind of things.

I think it's important that you establish clear boundaries and that you don't fall back into the teenage habits or expect your parents to take care of your laundry or your shopping. And they should not expect to be able to dictate when/where/with whom you go out and stuff. Of course, rules like being quiet when coming home late etc are a normal feature of the sharing a house with people, regardless of their relationship with you, but not if the reason is "because I say so".

Good luck with sorting your stuff out!

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 Post subject: Re: Moving home as an adult.
PostPosted: Thu Sep 20, 2012 9:51 am 
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I moved home when I was 25? I moved home because where I worked (the area) was a pretty pricey area, I'd be moving into the same area where my parents lived to save money and they had a 4 bedroom house with just them...

So I figured I would move with them to save money and what not. I ended up paying for all the utilities (including phone/internet/cable) and some groceries instead of paying rent.

The worst part of it really was the relationship between myself and my stepfather. We had always clashed since I was young and it was better when I moved in but we still clashed. I survived though and I still think it was the best decision at the time for me as it helped get me going in the right direction but there were many tough moments.

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 Post subject: Re: Moving home as an adult.
PostPosted: Thu Sep 20, 2012 9:52 am 
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Could you find a roommate to split bills and stuff? Or if you live in a 1-bedroom place, could you move into a 2-bedroom place with a roommate, which could help with the privacy (since you'd have your own bedroom) but also with the bills?

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 Post subject: Re: Moving home as an adult.
PostPosted: Thu Sep 20, 2012 10:02 am 
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I didn't move "home" exactly, but my dad (who mainly lives in NY) got a job in the Philly area, so he needed to get an apartment to live in during the work-week. I was basically homeless at the time, and it wasn't much more expensive for him to just get a 2-br instead of a 1-br in the same place, so that's what we did. He's only here about half the week, and then he goes back home to NY on weekends. It was sort of awkward at first -- he and I weren't on speaking terms for a few years prior to this arrangement, which made it even harder for him to get used to seeing/treating me as an adult since he missed a lot of my becoming-an-adult years. But we've made it work. We've had to negotiate some stuff -- standards of tidiness, temperature, letting each other know when we'll be here or away -- but mostly it's worked out fine. We normally have dinner together at least one night a week, and we recently decided to join a choir together so we'd have an actual activity we could do together. Yeah, I've sacrificed some independence, but really, my health conditions were not really making it possible for me to maintain that level of independence anyway.

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 Post subject: Re: Moving home as an adult.
PostPosted: Thu Sep 20, 2012 10:30 am 
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I ended up moving in with my dad for a month or so after I finished grad school (I was also 25/26-ish at the time). That situation was a bit different to yours, because they didn't have a spare room for me so I was sleeping on the floor (!!!) and it was also explicitly a short-term situation until I found a place to live, since I had been overseas prior to that. Anyway, the long and short of it was that my dad drove me sort of nuts, though I think that would have been less the case if I'd actually had a room with a door that closed. The biggest problem was that he sort of reverted to acting like he did when I was a teenager (constantly asking me where I was going and who I was going to see, wanting me to come home by a certain time, wondering who I was with and fretting etc.) which was sort of funny because I had been living ALONE IN A FOREIGN COUNTRY prior to this so he was not privy to my daily plans.

Anyway, as someone else said, I think it's good to set some rules/boundaries (for the sake of you AND your parents) and also not become too dependent on your folks while you're living there. You can still do your own chores and buy some of your own food etc. But if you are broke and in debt, I would say it's tolerable for a year or two. Truthfully, if my pops had actually had room for me (not that sleeping on his apartment living room floor wasn't wonderously awkward) I probably would have moved in for a year to catch up a bit on my student loan debt. A lot of people are moving home these days for the same reason so you're really not alone. Living with your folks might be frustrating at times, but if you are able to live comfortably and pay off your debt you will probably be happier in the long haul (or at least that's what I think, based on my experiences.) In any case, good luck to you.


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 Post subject: Re: Moving home as an adult.
PostPosted: Thu Sep 20, 2012 11:49 am 
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I've been on my own since I was about 16. Give or take some time when I was staying with other people or my grandmother. It's hared and it never gets easier. I say if your parents are welcoming and you have a good relationship with them and they have the space for you. Then do it!

I'm at a rough point myself right now. And if I had the option to go "home" I would seriously consider it.

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 Post subject: Re: Moving home as an adult.
PostPosted: Thu Sep 20, 2012 12:08 pm 
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Maybe this is different, but we (as in myself, my husband, and our two preschool aged children) recently lived with family for 2+ months. We kind of bounced between my parents and my in-laws. It was the right thing for us because my husband was leaving the military and didn't have a civilian job lined up right away. Prior to this we'd been living across the country and only saw family a handful of times a year. It was pretty overwhelming, and sharing a room with four people leaves something to be desired in the way of privacy. For us, it was nice knowing that as soon as the hubs had work we would be leaving (although we were not sure how long that search would take, we were pretty confident it wouldn't be that long). I am not ashamed we needed help. I am very happy we had the family to fall back on in a time of transition. It was also really special for our kids to spend so much quality time with both sets of grandparents for the first time ever.

It's kind of like any other big life decision, you have to weigh the pros and cons. For us, it was so worth it. We were in a much better position to move once he got a job, and waiting for his first pay check wasn't nearly as stressful since we were able to save so much money. By comparison, the little conflicts that are bound to happen in such close quarters were pretty insignificant.

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 Post subject: Re: Moving home as an adult.
PostPosted: Thu Sep 20, 2012 12:18 pm 
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i didn't "move back home" per-se, but i did stay with them while i was going to college until i graduated. (when i was 23, i lived for a year part time at my now husband's apartment, and part time at their house on days i had classes.)

eventually it transitions from feeling like "your home" to being "their home and you're just crashing" try not to be a pest, let them keep their routines, and work yours around theirs. shift your kitchen time earlier or later. (a crock pot works wonders in this situation! i swear, i was eating chili most nights i was there, just because it was a no-nonsense meal.) do chores, be helpful, bake goodies. if you use the last of an ingredient, replace it yourself. don't leave your crepe lying around, clean up after yourself. if there's 1 TV, let them watch what they usually watch (if there's a way to record something on a different channel, take advantage of it. if they have direcTV, even better. who knows, you might make them converts to your show.)

they love you, try not to put a strain on the relationship. be a good houseguest.

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 Post subject: Re: Moving home as an adult.
PostPosted: Thu Sep 20, 2012 1:39 pm 
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i lived with my mom for a year a couple years ago (age 29/30) after having my own place for 8 years. it was a forking nightmare. if i ever had to do anything like that again, i'd live in my car or under a bridge or something.

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 Post subject: Re: Moving home as an adult.
PostPosted: Thu Sep 20, 2012 1:42 pm 
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I've lived at home a lot! dropped outta college after my first year, moved back home for three years and then moved back again for 2 years after college. sometimes it was annoying, but most of the time it was fine. i like watching tv with my mom.

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 Post subject: Re: Moving home as an adult.
PostPosted: Thu Sep 20, 2012 2:08 pm 
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It really depends on your relationship with your parents.

I've been living with mine since I graduated. It was only supposed to be for a year, but then health issues made moving impossible.

They have always treated me as an adult, and I have as much privacy as I want: two big rooms and a bathroom downstairs, and nobody goes near except to the laundry room.

I like their company, but I always have, so it's nice to pop upstairs and watch Project Runway with them or do crossword puzzles with my mom, but mostly we all do our own thing.

Definitely have boundaries and expectations. The biggest issues with my mom are when she feels aim not taking my meds properly, or don't get refills right away, or whatever. She feels that because she is helping me because of them, that I should follow through (mostly the mental health stuff). This is reasonable, but I hate taking the meds and the side effects, so I tend to quit as soon as I feel better, which generally doesn't end well. So I guess what aim saying is that you need to make clear how much help you want/don't want or need/don't need from concerned, well-meaning parents.

My mom does a lot of stuff for me like making my bed (I can't forking reach around without seriously hurting myself) and doing laundry. For some reason, she likes ironing shirts, so Ive decided I'm ok with this as long as I get to do lots of other laundry for everyone else. If I were living on my own, I'd probably not wear dress shirts very often as standing around ironing stuff isn't great for my pain levels. Emptying the bottom dishwasher rack is horrible, so I make sure to always do the top and clean counters, etc.

I also cook a lot, and since she likes being a mom and picking stuff up for me at the grocery store, I usually get groceries for her when I go out. This has meant I don't get squeamish about things like buying milk for my dad, or getting him something from McDonalds. I just think that the more give and take things are, the better. I know my parents would easily slide into doing too much if I let them, which truthfully, I'm sure I do sometimes.

I can't contribute much financially right now, so I just pay the phone bill for everybody. It's not a lot, but Id feel a lot worse if I weren't doing anything regularly, so maybe picking up a small bill would be a good idea.

Molly is going to be so pissed when we move out. She has it good here, between Grandparents and the macaw.

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 Post subject: Re: Moving home as an adult.
PostPosted: Thu Sep 20, 2012 3:07 pm 
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I spent about a year to a year and a half after college in another state living with my parents. A year straight after thru-hiking due to job situation (temp w/unclear end date and then unemployment for four-five months). I didn't contribute much financially but I had a little bit free-er schedule so I got groceries for everyone (with their card-looking back, paying out of pocket might've been even better, but they didn't mind and they really liked that they didn't have to grocery shop-they still talk about it a year later). We didn't have super set boundaries, but I was pretty clear about not eating dinner with them a lot and tried to work around when they were cooking. I took the dog on short walks if I got home first and tried to communicate as much as possible (though I'm sure I could've done a better job).

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 Post subject: Re: Moving home as an adult.
PostPosted: Thu Sep 20, 2012 4:25 pm 
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It so depends on your relationship to/and your family. I am with esme. I moved home when i graduated college and lasted about 2 horrible shitty terrible months before i started dating someone and moved in with him after 2 dates because home was so crepe. I moved out while my Dad and stepmother were at work to avoid the conflict. But hopefully your parents aren't a psycho controlfreak and a giant spineless wimp.

And moving in with my mother involved her destroying my stuff and threatening me with a knife. So yeah. Don't move in with my parents for sure.

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 Post subject: Re: Moving home as an adult.
PostPosted: Thu Sep 20, 2012 6:55 pm 
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I'd move home if I could.

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 Post subject: Re: Moving home as an adult.
PostPosted: Thu Sep 20, 2012 9:32 pm 
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My mom keeps offering me to live with her but she a) lives in Florida and b) forgets that she kind of hates me because we don't see each other much. I love the woman; I still would sleep right in her bed. Thus, she kind of hates me when I'm around.

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 Post subject: Re: Moving home as an adult.
PostPosted: Thu Sep 20, 2012 9:47 pm 
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IsaChandra wrote:
I'd move home if I could.


Your mom seems SO nice. Every time I saw her at NYC vegan events, she was just the sweetest.

So, definitely move in with Isa's mom.

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 Post subject: Re: Moving home as an adult.
PostPosted: Thu Sep 20, 2012 9:51 pm 
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IsaChandra wrote:
I'd move home if I could.

Yup, me too. Every time my life kind of sucks I fantasize about moving home. But my parents are pretty great and they have a large-ish house and excellent cats.


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 Post subject: Re: Moving home as an adult.
PostPosted: Thu Sep 20, 2012 10:40 pm 
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I moved back home 3 times as a young adult before I finally left for good. Now that I'm old, the only reason I would have to move back is if my mother needed assistance. She is in good health and very independent for an 80 year old but I know that won't last forever.

IsaChandra wrote:
I'd move home if I could.


did teenage Isa ever think she would write those words?

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 Post subject: Re: Moving home as an adult.
PostPosted: Thu Sep 20, 2012 10:57 pm 
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I'm 25 and I still live at home. I often think about moving out. Just last weekend I got as far as signing a lease on an apartment... and then backing out of it 2 hours later (thankfully the landlords were super cool about that and didn't keep any of my money).

The reality is that, in my situation, it makes so much more sense for me to live at home right now. It's just my mom here. There's plenty of room. We get along fine. She wants me here and has basically told me I can live here as long as she does (she may move and downsize when she retires in 5-7 years).

Moving out would mean living paycheck to paycheck, not being able to save anything, and worrying about money. As of right now, I have none of those problems and no debt. I do sometimes feel like a moocher, but frankly I've got a good situation going on here. It probably wouldn't be worth it if I were in a relationship and really needed privacy, but I'm not, so it's not an issue right now.

I'm hoping by the time I move out, it'll be because I'm buying my own house. And because I save so much money by living here, I should be able to afford that fairly soon!


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 Post subject: Re: Moving home as an adult.
PostPosted: Thu Sep 20, 2012 11:02 pm 
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Venomous Head of Veganism
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Tofulish wrote:
IsaChandra wrote:
I'd move home if I could.


Your mom seems SO nice. Every time I saw her at NYC vegan events, she was just the sweetest.

So, definitely move in with Isa's mom.

Well, she's a jerk cause she moved to Columbus!

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 Post subject: Re: Moving home as an adult.
PostPosted: Fri Sep 21, 2012 12:02 am 
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ashley wrote:
I'm 25 and I still live at home. I often think about moving out. Just last weekend I got as far as signing a lease on an apartment... and then backing out of it 2 hours later (thankfully the landlords were super cool about that and didn't keep any of my money).

The reality is that, in my situation, it makes so much more sense for me to live at home right now. It's just my mom here. There's plenty of room. We get along fine. She wants me here and has basically told me I can live here as long as she does (she may move and downsize when she retires in 5-7 years).

Moving out would mean living paycheck to paycheck, not being able to save anything, and worrying about money. As of right now, I have none of those problems and no debt. I do sometimes feel like a moocher, but frankly I've got a good situation going on here. It probably wouldn't be worth it if I were in a relationship and really needed privacy, but I'm not, so it's not an issue right now.

I'm hoping by the time I move out, it'll be because I'm buying my own house. And because I save so much money by living here, I should be able to afford that fairly soon!


The only thing I regret about living at home is that I didn't save more money before moving out. I did save enough to put a large down payment on a car, which made the payments affordable.

Now would also be a great time for travel, if that's something you are interested in and can afford it.


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 Post subject: Re: Moving home as an adult.
PostPosted: Fri Sep 21, 2012 12:24 am 
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I'm living at home right now after returning from a year working abroad and, to be frank, I hate it.

It's not that I hate my parents--we actually get along fairly well and my mom loves having me home. They're really cool about buying me vegan food, letting me use their stuff, etc so I know I'm lucky. I'm just a VERY independent person, so the thought of not having my own space depresses me to no end. But until I find a job (30 applications and counting) I don't really really have a choice.


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 Post subject: Re: Moving home as an adult.
PostPosted: Fri Sep 21, 2012 5:33 am 
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I moved out when i was 19 and my younger sister moved in with me when i was 18, and neither of us has moved back home since (i'm 25 and she's 23) in fact, we bought a two-unit house together last year(from my parents, full disclosure). When we first moved out my mom kept half-jokingly trying to pay us to move back in. We never moved out for bad reasons though- my parents rock and are awesome. We always joke that they did TOO good of a job raising us- we just were ready to be independent when we turned 18 and could figure out how to live without her.

anyways, i think i would move back home but i would probably drive my mom nuts.


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 Post subject: Re: Moving home as an adult.
PostPosted: Fri Sep 21, 2012 6:18 am 
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I moved back in with my parents aged 22, when I broke up with my ex, after having moved out at 18. I'm still here 2 years later, as I got custody of me and my ex's dog and I live in a really expensive area, therefore I realistically cannot afford to live anywhere that I could take Nola with me, not to mention that she loves my mum's dogs and would be heartbroken to leave them.

It was weird at first, adjusting to being back in a family type environment, but I've always got on well with my parents, so it hasn't been too bad. I would recommend setting some kind of boundaries/ground rules about who does what, as my mum is always offering to do stuff for me or just doing it off the cuff, which is really sweet and I appreciate it, but can make me feel like a bit of an invalid. I do all the cooking for everyone, since I enjoy it anyway, but things like that could be an issue if your family aren't willing to eat veg. Also, personal space issues are worth considering. I sometimes have to ask my mum for 5 minutes, as she'll walk into my room uninvited and start chatting away, which is fine, unless I'm trying to do something or whatever. This is less of an issue now, as I'm generally out at least a few nights a week at the boyfriend's, but little things like that can build tension or whatever, even if they seem kind of petty.

Anyway, to summise, as long as you get on with your 'rents, you'll probably be just fine!

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