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 Post subject: Overcoming jealousy?
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 8:32 am 
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I've always been a very jealous person and it has gotten me in trouble in the past, with friends, boyfriends, and family. I know I'm jealous and I have a hard time controlling it. What's wrong with me? Does anyone else feel this way? How do you deal with it?

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 Post subject: Re: Overcoming jealousy?
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 9:13 am 
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I'm probably in the middle of the jealousy spectrum; I get a little bit sometimes, over certain things, and other times I'm cool as a cucumber over things most people would get pissed at. Anyways, I have a super duper jealous friend and she's also recognized it to be a problem. Now she texts me when something is going on to get my opinion on it, and I tell her whether or not it would make me upset. I think she uses that as a guideline, doesn't stop her feelings or anything but makes it easier to determine whether or not to start a fight with her SO. As far as my own jealousy, I honestly think I only get upset about things I should, for the most part, because I'm not particularly jealous.


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 Post subject: Re: Overcoming jealousy?
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 10:11 am 
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what has helped me not be jealsous in terms of SOs is recognizing what behavior I don't like to see in other people. Like, if a boyfriend gets jealous of me hanging out with other guy friends and there's no basis for it, it peas me off. So I use that as a barometer for myself- is there really any objective reason to be jealous? If so, I try to talk to talk about it to that person. If not, I just try to suck it up and recognize that I'm gonna have feelings I don't like sometimes, but don't always have to act on them.

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 Post subject: Re: Overcoming jealousy?
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 10:37 am 
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I'm not a particularly jealous person, but I know a girl who is incredibly jealous and possessive of just about everyone. Her and I were best friends at one point and she would get jealous if she ever saw me talking to anyone. It was like she thought she owned me. Her and I aren't friends anymore because I couldn't handle the jealousy, it creeped me out. It might be helpful to realize that jealousy pushes people away from you instead of bringing them closer to you. It's not a quality that attracts.

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 Post subject: Re: Overcoming jealousy?
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 11:19 am 
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Quarantined wrote:
I just try to suck it up and recognize that I'm gonna have feelings I don't like sometimes, but don't always have to act on them.

Yeah, I agree.

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 Post subject: Re: Overcoming jealousy?
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 11:34 am 
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Can you be more specific about situations in which you're feeling jealous? I feel like the advice I'd give you for a situation like "I'm jealous of my sister's new car" is different from "I'm jealous that my friend is smarter than me" which in turn is different from "I'm jealous because my significant other just hugged someone who wasn't me".

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 Post subject: Re: Overcoming jealousy?
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 11:39 am 
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I rarely get jealous. . I had an ex who was super jealous and it pissed him off for some reason that I didn't care when he'd hang out with his female friends or ex girlfriends. I guess I just trusted him. I shouldn't have because he cheated on me and once he tried to blame me for the cheating saying that he was only trying to get a reaction out of me to see if i cared. huh.

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 Post subject: Re: Overcoming jealousy?
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 11:41 am 
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I don't think there's anything wrong with you. Jealousy is natural, if not always healthy. I tend to get jealous more about people's successes than anything else, which makes it hard for me to fully celebrate them sometimes. I feel bad when it happens, and I try to put it aside and just be happy for people, but I don't think those feelings make me a bad person. Mostly I just save it for when I'm alone and act pissy on my own time, because whatever I may be feeling, it's not anyone else's fault.

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 Post subject: Re: Overcoming jealousy?
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 12:02 pm 
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You don't seem crazy jealous to me at all! Unless you're secretly jealous that I own a wild, out-of-control horse of a dog and you wish you had one, too?

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 Post subject: Re: Overcoming jealousy?
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 12:07 pm 
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Abelskiver wrote:
I have a super duper jealous friend and she's also recognized it to be a problem. Now she texts me when something is going on to get my opinion on it, and I tell her whether or not it would make me upset. I think she uses that as a guideline, doesn't stop her feelings or anything but makes it easier to determine whether or not to start a fight with her SO.


You have a smart friend. It's great that she can recognize when she needs perspective.

I think there's always something deeper going on with jealousy. I just depends on what is happening in the situation, which is why I think choirqueer suggested some specifics.

For example, not too long ago I was jealous that my boyfriend kept getting tattoos. At first I thought I was jealous because he had more money and could afford to do it. But when I dug deeper, I realized I felt like he understood what he wanted on his body better and had a deeper sense of identity than me. Also, he kept getting matching tattoos with his friends and I wondered "why with his friends and not me?" Realistically, I know it's not always smart to get tattoos with a SO because the breakups can be more painful than just friends drifting apart. But it just kinda HURT to know that I'm the closest to him and have been that way longer than some of his friends he's gotten tattoos with, but he wouldn't want to put that on his skin. So it was HURT and FEAR underlying my jealousy.

The point of all this is...dig deeper. There's always a reason. Once you recognize those reasons, the jealousy tends to disappear.


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 Post subject: Re: Overcoming jealousy?
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 12:32 pm 
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ijustdiedinside wrote:
I rarely get jealous. . I had an ex who was super jealous and it pissed him off for some reason that I didn't care when he'd hang out with his female friends or ex girlfriends. I guess I just trusted him. I shouldn't have because he cheated on me and once he tried to blame me for the cheating saying that he was only trying to get a reaction out of me to see if i cared. huh.


This is me in reverse. I used to get into disagreements because I didn't understand why (or didn't forsee that) current boyfirend would be upset that I was hanging out (in a group) that included an old boyfriend. I thought he was crazy but then some of my friends backed him up.


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 Post subject: Re: Overcoming jealousy?
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 12:34 pm 
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graffitipassion wrote:
So it was HURT and FEAR underlying my jealousy.

The point of all this is...dig deeper. There's always a reason. Once you recognize those reasons, the jealousy tends to disappear.


I completely agree. I would say most jealously stems from insecurity. We're jealous of a partner hanging out with someone else because, omg what if they're cooler than me and my partner leaves me?! We're jealous of someone more "successful" because we fear that society values their place in life more than ours. Sometimes the insecurity is justifiable (ex. if the person has cheated before), but once you acknowledge the source, it's easier to train your mind to deal with it in productive ways, whether that means calling your bff to talk through a problem, allowing yourself a 5 minute private hissy fit followed by ice cream, or even getting rid of the poisonous people in your life that are creating an environment that breeds insecurity.


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 Post subject: Re: Overcoming jealousy?
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 12:40 pm 
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I am not jealous when it comes to relationships, but I have a hard time with people I know/friends who have stuff that I want. Generally, I get jealous about money/the things money can buy, and sometimes it really gets me down that I can't afford to do the things I want to do, while some of my friends can. In the end, though, trite though it sounds, the thing that makes me feel better is thinking about the things that I have that I am grateful for. For example, I may not have money to take a fun vacation, but I do live in an awesome city with an awesome partner and my awesome cats, and that's pretty awesome, and that is helpful. Sorry, it probably sounds totally unhelpful, but it's the thing that gets me through when I'm feeling frustrated/jealous.

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 Post subject: Re: Overcoming jealousy?
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 12:44 pm 
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There have been a few points already made in this post that I think can give you good perspective on jealousy. A major one is that the feeling of jealousy is natural. For some reason, perhaps completely unknown to you consciously, you get feelings. It's likely something that was conditioned in you from your past. Thus, you should have no shame over feeling jealous. Seeing that you're on here asking for advice is a very, very good sign because it means you recognize it as a problem, accept it as being such, and wish to do something about it. Many people don't make it to that point and carry around these maladies their entire lives simply because they're to afraid to accept that they have them.

Which brings me to point number two, which graffiti just touched on. It's arguable that most if not all of our psychological problems have a basis in fear. Recognizing what it is that you're afraid of is a crucial step. It could be social alienation, abandonment, etc etc. That's where it takes some excavation of your past.

You might find it's really a matter of recognizing when you feel jealous, becoming aware of it, understanding that it's a natural feeling, figuring out how to have better control over your thought process at the time of feeling jealous (heavy breathing, relaxation techniques, counting to 10), and entering that stage of objective thinking (another point which has been mentioned) and thus beginning to decide on a new thought process. Feelings of jealousy, kind of like anxiety and depression, have a very strong physical characteristic to them that plays a huge role.

But I'm not a psychologist, so, read as many perspectives as you can and judge for yourself what's right for you. Best of luck!


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 Post subject: Re: Overcoming jealousy?
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 1:00 pm 
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jordanpattern wrote:
I am not jealous when it comes to relationships, but I have a hard time with people I know/friends who have stuff that I want. Generally, I get jealous about money/the things money can buy, and sometimes it really gets me down that I can't afford to do the things I want to do, while some of my friends can.


This is pretty much me. I used to get irrationally jealous about relationship stuff but that has eased up as I've gotten older to the point where I'm fine. I cannot help but envy people who are doing things I wish I could do and that will probably never go away.

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 Post subject: Re: Overcoming jealousy?
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 1:08 pm 
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I read somewhere once that jealousy is always a result of the insecurities of the person who feels it. So if I start to feel jealous about something, I try to figure out what insecurity it's triggering, and try to fix or soothe that insecurity.

For example, if it's because a friend of mine can afford nicer things, I tell myself that if I really wanted to, I could save a lot more money by buying low-quality food, but I like food better than boots, so it's my choice not to have nice boots. Or if my boyfriend is spending what I feel like is too much time with someone, I try to figure out why I feel insecure--is it just that I feel like it's taking too much time away from our "us time?" If so, I can schedule some quality time with him. Does that make sense?

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 Post subject: Re: Overcoming jealousy?
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 8:21 pm 
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Thank you guys for all the replies! I had made the connection between jealousy and insecurity, but you guys put it into better words than I did.

I haven't been too jealous in my current relationship because I think I've read so many self help relationship books that I can work through that better. Having a great bf doesn't hurt either.

I do get jealous of friends/acquaintances success too and I get jealous of people who can afford nicer xyz than me or have traveled, etc.

I like the idea of a jealousy "sponsor" to help me put thing in perspective.

Jordanpattern, I think that is actually very helpful. I'm sure a dose of gratitude can go a long way.

PP, I'll try to remember what a turn off it is. Haha.

Ill work on my insecurities. I've never been a confident person, or I've put the confidence in the physical, which will only get you so far.

Bunz, I'm not jealous of your dog, I'm jealous of your blog! You can be jealous of my mad rhymes.

Thank you all for your advice. I really appreciate all your responses and for letting me ramble.

I don't really want to get into specifics. Sorry. I'm jealous for all the reasons mentioned above. Ugh.

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 Post subject: Re: Overcoming jealousy?
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 8:37 pm 
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Oh! I totally get jealous of like things I can't afford. It makes me sad/mad. So I don't watch shows like Platinum Weddings cuz it would just make me crazy. Sometimes limiting the media helps. And I am happy with my ability to find a bangin' outfit for a reasonable price which makes me feel hot and frugal and awesome and smart instead of just rich enough to buy fancy designer clothes.


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 Post subject: Re: Overcoming jealousy?
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 8:41 pm 
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When my partner and I first started dating, I was very insecure about myself and the relationship, and I felt uncomfortable whenever he was around other females. He recently told me that a girl in his class had a crush on him, and I laughed and said that was cute and I didn't blame her for crushing on my awesome boyfriend. And that's when I realized I wasn't jealous anymore, because I wasn't worried that every time he went to class she'd show up topless and try to bone him, and even so, that he wouldn't do it anyway. It didn't happen overnight, but over time I came to value myself and to trust my boyfriend and what we had.

However, I still feel jealous of people that have more money, better jobs, different experiences, special talents. As others have said, jealousy is a natural part of the human experience, and much like many other emotions, it blows, but without it we couldn't appreciate what we have and know how we needed to grow.

Be kind to yourself! <3

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 Post subject: Re: Overcoming jealousy?
PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 9:46 pm 
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Quarantined wrote:
what has helped me not be jealsous in terms of SOs is recognizing what behavior I don't like to see in other people. Like, if a boyfriend gets jealous of me hanging out with other guy friends and there's no basis for it, it peas me off. So I use that as a barometer for myself- is there really any objective reason to be jealous? If so, I try to talk to talk about it to that person. If not, I just try to suck it up and recognize that I'm gonna have feelings I don't like sometimes, but don't always have to act on them.


This, word for word. I very, very rarely get jealous over anything my partner does. But if I'm ever genuinely worried about something and have weighed up the situation (as above), I raise it with him- and because it's so infrequent and I have a rational argument for my concern, he takes it seriously. I guess it's about building a relationship built on respect for one another/treating each other as you would want to be treated, etc. Works for me!

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