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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Sun Jun 26, 2016 12:58 pm 
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I don't generally respond to messages if I'm not interested in the person. First of all, I get a lot of messages from people I know I'd never have anythign in common with and it would take up a lot of time to write polite "thanks but no thanks" messages to them all. But also, when I've taken the time to do that in the past I either get really angry messages in response or it is taken as an invite for them to try to convince me otherwise. I feel like when you're doing online dating you should just learn to assume that someone's not interested if they don't respond.

ANYWAY, there's this local guy who keeps sending me messages. He has sent me one or two a month for several months now. None of them have been messages asking anything about me or telling me anything about himself-- he just asks me to do specific things with him like wander an art festival or go to some charity event or whatever. I've looked at his profile and I'm not interested. But since he keeps messaging me with no response I'm now feeling like I have to send a response, which I really resent having to do because he should just understand.

What's the nicest way I can say DUDE STOP MESSAGING ME! OBVIOUSLY I'M NOT INTERESTED! GET A CLUE!...?

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Sun Jun 26, 2016 3:54 pm 
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Just block him.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Sun Jun 26, 2016 6:41 pm 
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Yep. Just block him.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Mon Jun 27, 2016 10:52 am 
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takecare wrote:
What's the nicest way I can say DUDE STOP MESSAGING ME! OBVIOUSLY I'M NOT INTERESTED! GET A CLUE!...?


Tell them that you would love to meet him, because he has the most amazing profile ever. However, you are currently living in Nigeria because your aunt got sick there and you went to take care of her. Unfortunately, things were a bit more expensive than expected and you do not have money to come back. Therefore, ask him to kindly give you his credit card number together with the security code to buy a plane ticket and finally meet him.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Mon Jun 27, 2016 6:23 pm 
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worldrunner79 wrote:
takecare wrote:
What's the nicest way I can say DUDE STOP MESSAGING ME! OBVIOUSLY I'M NOT INTERESTED! GET A CLUE!...?


Tell them that you would love to meet him, because he has the most amazing profile ever. However, you are currently living in Nigeria because your aunt got sick there and you went to take care of her. Unfortunately, things were a bit more expensive than expected and you do not have money to come back. Therefore, ask him to kindly give you his credit card number together with the security code to buy a plane ticket and finally meet him.


I heartily endorse this.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Sat Jul 02, 2016 8:09 pm 
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Me 'n' my online date celebrated 5 years last weekend!

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Sat Jul 02, 2016 10:00 pm 
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Congrats mtoes!!!


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Sun Jul 03, 2016 2:23 am 
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Congratulations! I remember your posts from when you first met; it doesn't seem like five years ago!

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Wed Jul 06, 2016 9:00 pm 
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So the guy I met online and I are officially dating! It's such a challenge, though. Since I'm in school full-time and I work full-time, I only get to see him once a week. He lives about 45 min away, and he just moved to WA from AK and is staying with his parents. He also is in the midst of finding a job, and depending on what he finds, he may not be in the area for long. I super puffy heart like him, so it's hard to try to distance myself emotionally in the event he moves. I've never had anyone call me beautiful before. So many mixed emotions.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Wed Jul 06, 2016 11:55 pm 
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Wishing you good luck SD! I hope things work out well for you guys!

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Fri Jul 08, 2016 8:45 am 
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Thanks tofulish!


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2016 4:12 pm 
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Dating is so damn stressful. For me, anyway. So I've been seeing the guy for a month. 4 dates. I think he likes me. But he's terrible about communicating. Or I'm so used to instant gratification in today's world. I'll text and it takes him forever to respond (hours). He doesn't text while driving, which I think is a great thing. But it always makes me wonder what he's really doing. He claims he's not dating anyone else. Who knows? I have anxiety due to low self-esteem, so my mind automatically assumes the worst. I've been cheated on, and in the past I've "smothered" a guy according to him and was too needy. So I've taken all of this into account. I try to text minimally. I try not to be clingy or needy. But where do you draw the line between not being too needy and yet being interested? I honestly don't see things going far with this dude. I'm busy with school, and try to hang out in my free time. But I'm not being me, because I'm afraid of scaring him away. Why can't it just be easy?


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Fri Jul 15, 2016 8:47 am 
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I want to say "It can be easy when it's right!" because that's how it was with my spouse, but I don't think that's always how it works. You've not been dating long so insecurities and misunderstandings are bound to happen until you know each other better.

Personally, I keep my phone on silent and I know people who don't take the time to respond to things while working so long gaps in conversations seem natural to me. But maybe you should just ask him what he does all day. At some point not responding to texts makes a person seem flaky rather than busy.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Fri Jul 15, 2016 10:09 am 
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SD - I might be an outlier here, but I really don't expect super fast responses from anyone in my life, so I'd be fine with a person I just started dating taking a few hours to answer a text. I mean, people have all sorts of stuff going on: friends, work, going to the movies or museum, eating, reading, running errands. I would go into the list of reasons that I don't always respond to texts as quickly as i could (and none of them have anything to do with the other person, unless it's my mom)

Also, I would't ask a person I just started dating what they do all day in the context of why haven't they texted me back sooner. People have really full lives and it is an effort to incorporate a new person into that - even if you like them a lot.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Fri Jul 15, 2016 11:32 am 
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Olives wrote:
Also, I wouldn't ask a person I just started dating what they do all day in the context of why haven't they texted me back sooner. People have really full lives and it is an effort to incorporate a new person into that - even if you like them a lot.

I agree, though there might be a tactful way like "how was your day?" that doesn't say "why aren't you answering me faster?!"

But maybe you two just aren't the same style of communicators. I would definitely caution against trying to be less clingy because some guy said you smothered him. Just go find a guy that appreciates affection and attention the same way you do. There's nothing wrong with people generally having different expectations of how much affection to show. Being aloof isn't a superior way to be. One guy's "clingy" is another guy's "loving."


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Fri Jul 15, 2016 11:59 am 
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It could also be social anxiety. I can count on one hand the number of people I feel comfortable texting back right away. The implication is that you're there immediately and ready to have a conversation, and for someone like me a conversation can seem like a daunting commitment (again, with the exception of a few people, and even then I sometimes need some time). It's not entirely rational and it's not entirely mature, but there you have it. Some people's brains (like mine) don't always work they way we'd like them to!

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Fri Jul 15, 2016 2:10 pm 
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Thank you all for your thoughts. He really is a great guy, I just need to chill the F out.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Fri Jul 15, 2016 5:55 pm 
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I think it's probably not a bad idea to chill out a bit, SD, but don't be afraid to trust your gut either. If this guy's communication style is giving you a lot of anxiety and grief, it's okay to move on. You shouldn't have to feel crappy and anxious.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Fri Jul 15, 2016 7:36 pm 
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SD, that's always a tough line for me...I am naturally pretty anxious, but when I've felt REALLY anxious about someone 100% of the time it's turned out to be because they were much less invested than I was and I've tried to tell myself that I was being irrational and needed to chill out. So like, chill out, yeah, but if someone is making you miserable it's probably just not a good fit.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Mon Jul 18, 2016 8:29 am 
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"How long do I wait to see if this is a phase?" is tough. Especially when you don't see each other much because 4 dates isn't much, but only seeing each other once a week means 10 dates could take a quarter year. I wouldn't give someone much more time if he's not communicating more soon, but I'd also bring it up with him before I gave up.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Mon Jul 18, 2016 2:09 pm 
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Thanks again all. He told me last week that he's leaving tomorrow on a road trip to help a girl "friend" move. She's moving quite the distance and he'll be driving with her. I found it refreshing that he was immediately open and honest about it and when I asked if she was a former gf or someone he was interested in, he emphatically denied it and said he wants to date me. I still have anxiety about it, but he's done nothing to make me question his trust. So we'll see... I'm trying to stay of the mindset of everything happening for a reason, and if things don't work out, there's a reason.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Sat Aug 27, 2016 3:38 am 
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After 3 years of sending tons of messages to tons of people,
someone finally wanted to go on a date :-)

So we met each other and 20 seconds after the greeting she said: "Sorry I already made up my mind and we cannot match!"
I did not mind about that, I had no expectations at all.
The weird thing is that probably out of politeness we continued talking for an hour or so, when I think both of us wanted to escape from the situation as fast as possible...


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Sat Sep 03, 2016 9:22 am 
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Sorry it didn't go well, wr. I hope there will be more for you. There's no avoiding awkwardness, at least for most people, I think.

I have read a few bitter or cynical profiles lately. I can't say I blame them - people are rude.

I thought this cutesy article was pretty good:
http://metro.co.uk/2016/05/24/14-of-the ... z4JCbr1hIk

I really like the tip "This is an online dating site not dial-a-bride" When I first started online dating a few years ago I told my friends that some men acted like they were interviewing women for the position of wife, treating it like online shopping.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Sat Sep 17, 2016 9:15 am 
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I messaged the guy who wrote best cynical/bitter profile I read. I asked him why he is still here and he said he had paid for an upgraded membership. We have had a bit of a slow conversation but it is interesting. I don't know if we will ever meet but we are discussing dating amongst other things. I asked him why he messaged me back the first time and he said "you seem nice and you are pretty, so..."

I think some men are surprised to get a polite response, but on the other hand I wonder if some of the men who complain about online dating are the ones who send the one word or "would you like to chat" first messages. If you didn't read my profile I'm not chatting with you, dude.

A new girlfriend and I are going out to a bar (popular with "people our age") tonight and it is so not my scene but she loves to dance and is going through a difficult divorce so we're going.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Sat Sep 17, 2016 4:30 pm 
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I keep going through waves with the online sites. Every now and then, I'll get some interesting guys who seem to have more to say than "nice tits", but that's not the norm. I get fed up with the people who are just looking for a one night stand. And even if I was looking for that, these are not the guys I'd choose. So sleazy, so gross. It's been a couple of months since I've logged in to OKC, so maybe I'll give it another shot. I think I'm done with Tinder and POF.

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