| FAQ  | Search | Login 
It is currently Sat May 27, 2017 10:12 pm

All times are UTC - 6 hours [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 6566 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 259, 260, 261, 262, 263  Next
Author Message
 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Sun Sep 25, 2016 11:14 am 
Offline
Mispronounces Daiya
User avatar

Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 7:03 am
Posts: 1481
Location: Nova Scotia
The last time I was on OKC I got many messages from men in the US far away from me. They didn't seem like spammers but it was weird. Anyone else have that experience?

Zelavie, I'm going to start a brutally honest dating website: So Sleazy, So Gross. I can then suggest it to my many sleazy admirers on POF, like tommxxx and jerry469, before I block them.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Sun Sep 25, 2016 11:26 am 
Offline
Semen Strong
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 7:10 pm
Posts: 22107
Location: Cliffbar NJ
I wonder if the gross and sleazy guys are really that way in real life, or if they create these online personas to deal with rejection or because they think women really like it or if they're just massive trolls?

I met so many guys who were racist and nasty, and I have no idea if they just were trolling for fun, were covering their own insecurities, thought it was a useful tool for picking up women by making them feel bad etc. No idea. But I hate thinking there are really that many horrible people out there.

_________________
My oven is bigger on the inside, and it produces lots of wibbly wobbly, cake wakey... stuff. - The PoopieB.

THROW A forking YAM IN THE OVEN ITS forking CHRISTMAS - LisaPunk


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Sun Sep 25, 2016 11:48 am 
Offline
Mispronounces Daiya
User avatar

Joined: Fri Oct 22, 2010 9:09 am
Posts: 1489
Location: Denver
I definitely have that experience. I think some people are just lonely, maybe think it would be fun to get into some sexting relationship? Or that you're going to have some long-distance thing with them? I will say that my experience is skewed, because (on OKC, the only site I use) I say that one of the things I am looking for is casual sex/short term dating, and that I am especially interested in people who are visiting from out of town.

As for why people say sleezy stuff - I think on OKC and tinder, there might be a perception of lots of people looking for hookups. And I think some dudes (dudes in particular) have never been taught the difference between "I am capable of enjoying casual sex and am open to the idea" and "You can demand casual sex from me." As with all things internet, I think armor of relative anonymity lets people think they can be... edgier (barf) than they would otherwise - since online dating is, in many ways, a numbers game it would be the best place to try your most outrageous moves (moves you shouldn't try at all!). Because as they say, if you throw enough shiitake at a wall, some of it is bound to stick.

A lotta guys to seem to use it as a testing ground for pickup artist type bullshiitake.

And yeah, I think there are a lot of straight up trolls. I'm sort of surprised that since I am chubby and attractive to enough people, but by no means conventionally attractive that I don't get more trolling about weight, gender presentation, etc.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Mon Sep 26, 2016 4:40 pm 
Offline
Addicted to B12 Enemas
User avatar

Joined: Wed Aug 28, 2013 8:58 am
Posts: 251
Location: somewhere lost in the 10th dimension
Quick thoughts from the other side of the coin:

Olives wrote:
As for why people say sleezy stuff - I think on OKC and tinder, there might be a perception of lots of people looking for hookups. And I think some dudes (dudes in particular) have never been taught the difference between "I am capable of enjoying casual sex and am open to the idea" and "You can demand casual sex from me." As with all things internet, I think armor of relative anonymity lets people think they can be... edgier (barf) than they would otherwise - since online dating is, in many ways, a numbers game it would be the best place to try your most outrageous moves (moves you shouldn't try at all!). Because as they say, if you throw enough shiitake at a wall, some of it is bound to stick.


A big limitation of online dating to my personal point of view is that it is that in face to face communication, the facial expression and tone of voice gives communicates how a message should be interpreted. Just with text is really impossible to know how to interpret a message. I've experienced that even with my own messages and texts written in my profile, at the moment when I write them I think: "Wow that's super funny and cute!", next day when I'm in a different mood and read that text back I think: "Ups that can be interpreted in so many wrong ways!". So that's the first problem it is impossible to know the intention behind the messages.

Second point most of the guys I know (myself included), just do not know how to bring the idea of having a hookup into a conversation without making it sound awfully wrong. In fact I only know one guy who was incredibly skilful at it. If to our lack of skills you add all the misinterpretations that happen on online communication you get a recipe for disaster.

I agree the anonymity of online communication makes it easier to say outrageous things, that in face to face communication a normal person would never dare.

Olives wrote:
A lotta guys to seem to use it as a testing ground for pickup artist type bullshiitake.


I'm not sure if pickup artist theories are BS, nonetheless I think online is a good place to practice them. What I can say is that dating advice for women that I've come across is all BS and will never lead to a relationship based on trust and respect. Dating industry is a big business, can it be that dating advisors are just on purpose confusing people in order earn more money?

Olives wrote:
And yeah, I think there are a lot of straight up trolls. I'm sort of surprised that since I am chubby and attractive to enough people, but by no means conventionally attractive that I don't get more trolling about weight, gender presentation, etc.

I also believe that there are some trolls, but my guess is that not that many. I think many people who act as trolls are just hurt and just deal with their pain in a very bad way... have you ever woke up in the night barefoot and hit your small toe with the edge of the door? Do you remember how you started to curse the door and swear like crazy? It was not the fault of the door but still it got all the insults... I think that is a good analogy of what happens with dating. Of course we guys are the ones that need to learn how to deal with our pain in a more productive way.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Mon Sep 26, 2016 6:53 pm 
Offline
The Real Hamburger Helper
User avatar

Joined: Thu Feb 17, 2011 6:18 pm
Posts: 2278
Location: St. Pete, FL
worldrunner79 wrote:
Quick thoughts from the other side of the coin:

A big limitation of online dating to my personal point of view is that it is that in face to face communication, the facial expression and tone of voice gives communicates how a message should be interpreted. Just with text is really impossible to know how to interpret a message. I've experienced that even with my own messages and texts written in my profile, at the moment when I write them I think: "Wow that's super funny and cute!", next day when I'm in a different mood and read that text back I think: "Ups that can be interpreted in so many wrong ways!". So that's the first problem it is impossible to know the intention behind the messages.

Second point most of the guys I know (myself included), just do not know how to bring the idea of having a hookup into a conversation without making it sound awfully wrong. In fact I only know one guy who was incredibly skilful at it. If to our lack of skills you add all the misinterpretations that happen on online communication you get a recipe for disaster.

I agree the anonymity of online communication makes it easier to say outrageous things, that in face to face communication a normal person would never dare.



That's a very valid point once a conversation is happening. I just seem to get all the guys whose initial message is something like "Hey, nice tits. Wanna fork?" Or something considerably more graphic and sexual. Those are the ones I'm talking about.

_________________
Ridiculous people on the internet are consistently ridiculous. -pandacookie

Etsy shop: https://www.etsy.com/shop/StrangeJourneyDesign


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Sep 27, 2016 12:16 am 
Offline
Mispronounces Daiya
User avatar

Joined: Fri Oct 22, 2010 9:09 am
Posts: 1489
Location: Denver
worldrunner79 wrote:
Quick thoughts from the other side of the coin:

Olives wrote:
As for why people say sleezy stuff - I think on OKC and tinder, there might be a perception of lots of people looking for hookups. And I think some dudes (dudes in particular) have never been taught the difference between "I am capable of enjoying casual sex and am open to the idea" and "You can demand casual sex from me." As with all things internet, I think armor of relative anonymity lets people think they can be... edgier (barf) than they would otherwise - since online dating is, in many ways, a numbers game it would be the best place to try your most outrageous moves (moves you shouldn't try at all!). Because as they say, if you throw enough shiitake at a wall, some of it is bound to stick.


A big limitation of online dating to my personal point of view is that it is that in face to face communication, the facial expression and tone of voice gives communicates how a message should be interpreted. Just with text is really impossible to know how to interpret a message. I've experienced that even with my own messages and texts written in my profile, at the moment when I write them I think: "Wow that's super funny and cute!", next day when I'm in a different mood and read that text back I think: "Ups that can be interpreted in so many wrong ways!". So that's the first problem it is impossible to know the intention behind the messages.

Second point most of the guys I know (myself included), just do not know how to bring the idea of having a hookup into a conversation without making it sound awfully wrong. In fact I only know one guy who was incredibly skilful at it. If to our lack of skills you add all the misinterpretations that happen on online communication you get a recipe for disaster.

I agree the anonymity of online communication makes it easier to say outrageous things, that in face to face communication a normal person would never dare.

Olives wrote:
A lotta guys to seem to use it as a testing ground for pickup artist type bullshiitake.


I'm not sure if pickup artist theories are BS, nonetheless I think online is a good place to practice them. What I can say is that dating advice for women that I've come across is all BS and will never lead to a relationship based on trust and respect. Dating industry is a big business, can it be that dating advisors are just on purpose confusing people in order earn more money?

Olives wrote:
And yeah, I think there are a lot of straight up trolls. I'm sort of surprised that since I am chubby and attractive to enough people, but by no means conventionally attractive that I don't get more trolling about weight, gender presentation, etc.

I also believe that there are some trolls, but my guess is that not that many. I think many people who act as trolls are just hurt and just deal with their pain in a very bad way... have you ever woke up in the night barefoot and hit your small toe with the edge of the door? Do you remember how you started to curse the door and swear like crazy? It was not the fault of the door but still it got all the insults... I think that is a good analogy of what happens with dating. Of course we guys are the ones that need to learn how to deal with our pain in a more productive way.


Because this is text, I'm now having a hard time understanding if you're playing devil's advocate or if you really don't understand the types of messages we women actually get and why they are problematic. So my (pretty well tested) advice: Never propose sex in the first message with a person (unless their profile specifically suggests you do so and even then, I might go for a flirty, but not straight up sex topic). Even if a person likes casual sex, they probably like being treated like a human, not an object. Keep in mind you don't know this person, so you should probably at least try to make conversation with them that illustrates you're not a total creep, and you might even be trustworthy (assuming you are).Never demand or, heck, even request a sex act from a person you don't know (or demand a sex act from a person you do know, unless they've told you that they'd like you to do that). You don't need body language cues for that.

If your question actually is "I don't know how to get casual sex to happen from online dating sites," the answer is don't proposition anyone for sex during the online conversation. Go on a date and see if you like each other. If you seem to like each other, ask if it would be ok to kiss the other person (or wait for them to do the same, if you prefer.) If the kissing is fun, have a conversation about the other stuff you might like to do together. Simple, but not always easy.

Please, just don't use pickup artist techniques. They are gross and dehumanizing. Online dating is not the place to try them because nowhere is the place to try them. Seriously. Don't neg women, don't come up with bullshiitake reasons to touch us or contrived ways to show us how "alpha" you are. I think most people can see through this, but even if they can't these are disgusting ways to treat other human beings.

Dating - online and otherwise - is so much easier if you just keep in mind the other person(s) involved is, in fact a person. If you would be grossed out by someone essentially trying to trick you into sleeping with them (I know I would) then the other person probably would be too. Feeling pre-preemptively hurt is not a good reason to be abusive or crass to a stranger, especially if you are trying to show romantic interest in that person.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Sep 27, 2016 9:17 am 
Offline
Mispronounces Daiya
User avatar

Joined: Thu Nov 18, 2010 12:44 pm
Posts: 1447
Location: Jungles of America
Olives wrote:
Please, just don't use pickup artist techniques. They are gross and dehumanizing. Online dating is not the place to try them because nowhere is the place to try them. Seriously. Don't neg women, don't come up with bullshiitake reasons to touch us or contrived ways to show us how "alpha" you are. I think most people can see through this, but even if they can't these are disgusting ways to treat other human beings.

So much this.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Sep 27, 2016 10:11 am 
Offline
Mispronounces Daiya
User avatar

Joined: Fri Oct 22, 2010 9:09 am
Posts: 1489
Location: Denver
Not to derail, but when people DO counter the fact that the PUartistry is gross with the argument that it works, I would counter with this: Ever consider that women are sexual beings too, and some are in search of casual sex? And of those, some might read guys doing PUA stuff as - to flip the gendered scripts and use the absolutely disgusting language our culture has created around casual sex - "desperate" and "an easy score"? And that's sometimes (or even often) why it works? Honestly, the only women I know who have ever been responsive to this stuff were responsive for basically those reasons (although they wouldn't use that language, because they don't dehumanize people, not even pickup artists.)


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Sep 27, 2016 10:30 am 
Offline
Flat Chesty McNoBoobs
User avatar

Joined: Mon Sep 06, 2010 11:41 am
Posts: 9233
Location: Portland
Olives wrote:
worldrunner79 wrote:
Quick thoughts from the other side of the coin:

Olives wrote:
As for why people say sleezy stuff - I think on OKC and tinder, there might be a perception of lots of people looking for hookups. And I think some dudes (dudes in particular) have never been taught the difference between "I am capable of enjoying casual sex and am open to the idea" and "You can demand casual sex from me." As with all things internet, I think armor of relative anonymity lets people think they can be... edgier (barf) than they would otherwise - since online dating is, in many ways, a numbers game it would be the best place to try your most outrageous moves (moves you shouldn't try at all!). Because as they say, if you throw enough shiitake at a wall, some of it is bound to stick.


A big limitation of online dating to my personal point of view is that it is that in face to face communication, the facial expression and tone of voice gives communicates how a message should be interpreted. Just with text is really impossible to know how to interpret a message. I've experienced that even with my own messages and texts written in my profile, at the moment when I write them I think: "Wow that's super funny and cute!", next day when I'm in a different mood and read that text back I think: "Ups that can be interpreted in so many wrong ways!". So that's the first problem it is impossible to know the intention behind the messages.

Second point most of the guys I know (myself included), just do not know how to bring the idea of having a hookup into a conversation without making it sound awfully wrong. In fact I only know one guy who was incredibly skilful at it. If to our lack of skills you add all the misinterpretations that happen on online communication you get a recipe for disaster.

I agree the anonymity of online communication makes it easier to say outrageous things, that in face to face communication a normal person would never dare.

Olives wrote:
A lotta guys to seem to use it as a testing ground for pickup artist type bullshiitake.


I'm not sure if pickup artist theories are BS, nonetheless I think online is a good place to practice them. What I can say is that dating advice for women that I've come across is all BS and will never lead to a relationship based on trust and respect. Dating industry is a big business, can it be that dating advisors are just on purpose confusing people in order earn more money?

Olives wrote:
And yeah, I think there are a lot of straight up trolls. I'm sort of surprised that since I am chubby and attractive to enough people, but by no means conventionally attractive that I don't get more trolling about weight, gender presentation, etc.

I also believe that there are some trolls, but my guess is that not that many. I think many people who act as trolls are just hurt and just deal with their pain in a very bad way... have you ever woke up in the night barefoot and hit your small toe with the edge of the door? Do you remember how you started to curse the door and swear like crazy? It was not the fault of the door but still it got all the insults... I think that is a good analogy of what happens with dating. Of course we guys are the ones that need to learn how to deal with our pain in a more productive way.


Because this is text, I'm now having a hard time understanding if you're playing devil's advocate or if you really don't understand the types of messages we women actually get and why they are problematic. So my (pretty well tested) advice: Never propose sex in the first message with a person (unless their profile specifically suggests you do so and even then, I might go for a flirty, but not straight up sex topic). Even if a person likes casual sex, they probably like being treated like a human, not an object. Keep in mind you don't know this person, so you should probably at least try to make conversation with them that illustrates you're not a total creep, and you might even be trustworthy (assuming you are).Never demand or, heck, even request a sex act from a person you don't know (or demand a sex act from a person you do know, unless they've told you that they'd like you to do that). You don't need body language cues for that.

If your question actually is "I don't know how to get casual sex to happen from online dating sites," the answer is don't proposition anyone for sex during the online conversation. Go on a date and see if you like each other. If you seem to like each other, ask if it would be ok to kiss the other person (or wait for them to do the same, if you prefer.) If the kissing is fun, have a conversation about the other stuff you might like to do together. Simple, but not always easy.

Please, just don't use pickup artist techniques. They are gross and dehumanizing. Online dating is not the place to try them because nowhere is the place to try them. Seriously. Don't neg women, don't come up with bullshiitake reasons to touch us or contrived ways to show us how "alpha" you are. I think most people can see through this, but even if they can't these are disgusting ways to treat other human beings.

Dating - online and otherwise - is so much easier if you just keep in mind the other person(s) involved is, in fact a person. If you would be grossed out by someone essentially trying to trick you into sleeping with them (I know I would) then the other person probably would be too. Feeling pre-preemptively hurt is not a good reason to be abusive or crass to a stranger, especially if you are trying to show romantic interest in that person.


BRAVO! Very well said.

_________________
These shitbirds should pay for their own elections if they aren't going to be obligated by any democratic pretense. - Mumbles
Don't you know that vegan meat is the gateway drug to chicken addiction? Because GMO and trans-fats. - kaerlighed


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Sep 27, 2016 10:53 am 
Offline
Mispronounces Daiya
User avatar

Joined: Fri Oct 22, 2010 9:09 am
Posts: 1489
Location: Denver
*blushes* (because despite reports to the contrary, I still do blush)

Shucks, thanks Jordan!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Sep 27, 2016 3:29 pm 
Offline
The Real Hamburger Helper
User avatar

Joined: Thu Feb 17, 2011 6:18 pm
Posts: 2278
Location: St. Pete, FL
Seriously, Olives - you got a mental standing ovation from me for that response.

_________________
Ridiculous people on the internet are consistently ridiculous. -pandacookie

Etsy shop: https://www.etsy.com/shop/StrangeJourneyDesign


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Sep 27, 2016 5:45 pm 
Offline
Lubes With Earth Balance
User avatar

Joined: Tue Feb 26, 2013 9:14 am
Posts: 1588
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland
(Joining the ovation)

_________________
Some woopiter from Jupiter then says, and I quote: "That can't be true because I read otherwise online. Just look on Youtube." - torque


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Wed Sep 28, 2016 5:16 pm 
Offline
Addicted to B12 Enemas
User avatar

Joined: Wed Aug 28, 2013 8:58 am
Posts: 251
Location: somewhere lost in the 10th dimension
Olives you proved my first point about the limitations of online communication, it is very difficult to know the intention of any message.
I was not asking for advice, nor trying to defend any type of online dating behaviour. I was only posting a different point of view of the online dating phenomena.

What I find interesting is the interpretation that most people over here assigns to the intention behind the messages received by guys... I agree many of the messages are completely out of class, many of them can interpreted as disturbing and offensive. However, in most cases the intention behind the messages is different as what you might think.
Have you ever thought that the assumption, which claims that a guy who sends an untactful message, is a guy who thinks that women are just sexual objects and therefore is dehumanising them, is an assumption that immediately dehumanises the guy?
From what I've seen in this thread many users are completely clueless on what drives a guy to send untactful types of messages, it seems that many people in this thread are fans on assuming the worse. There are some cases that indeed it might be that the guy is some type of sociopath that sees other people as objects. I would say that most of the cases the untactful messages are the result of the deep drive to gain some of the affection from the person who receives the message in combination with ignorance and confusion.
I would bet that most messages sent by guys have the intention to make the recipient of the message feel as the miracle of creation that she actually is, letting her know that he is also a miracle of creation, and that he would love to share some time of his existence together with her. In simple words, without skills and in a very untactful way "Hey, nice tits. Wanna fork?"

If you go to a male dominated online dating forum you'll probably see many messages of these type:
Guy A:"girls are B!ths, I've sent 20 messages last week and got no reply, sure is because I'm only 5'8 and do not earn a 6 figure salary a year."
Guy B:"Yes man you are right all women superficial and only want your money"
Guy C: "no man you both are wrong, the problem is that your messages are not alpha enough, you should be more aggressive next time, girls remember girls go for the bad boys".
I know on the surface these type of conversations together with the messages sent by the majority of guys, gives the idea that most men see women as sexual objects that most be owned. However, if you dig deeper you'll understand that these conversations and messages are driven by a deeply need for intimacy, affection together with a lot of pain and confusion. Guys are also full of fears, self doubts and limitations.

Both ends of the coins seem to have problems, and it seems that almost nobody from each of the sides seem to wants to try to understand the world standing on the shoes of the other.

P.S. Just to avoid confusion, I'm just explaining how online dating appears to be for me experiencing it from the other side of the coin, through different stages of my life.
I'm not defending any type of behaviour, nor criticising anybody, nor seeking for advice.
I'm glad to have seen how things are from the female point of view of online dating, that has helped me to see all the unanswered, and the thanks but no thanks messages with some degree of compassion and understanding.

In the future if I'll look for some type of advice, or if I plan to judge or defend some type of behaviour, I'll explicitly mention it.
Thanks for your time.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Wed Sep 28, 2016 6:04 pm 
Offline
WRETCHED
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 6:54 pm
Posts: 11918
Location: Maryland/DC area
So world runner, I'll say it but you are being an asparagus. Do you even know how women are treated online? I am glad that I dated before selfies were a thing because I was spared the dick pics that seem common these days.

If you want to get some insight, you might want to actually read through this thread to see what turns women off besides dick pics. A lot of it is really insulting women from the get go or making assumptions about them. I know dating is frustrating and it can be difficult but things women would like is for you to read their profile because it is there for a reason, fill out your profile, message them and try to connect with something on their profile.

Like if they have a favorite author that you share or whatever. If they say their favorite author is koontz for instance, don't message them and say that king is far superior... but you may be able to make a connection based on the genre of books even if you don't share a favorite author. And yeah the person may not message you but they are more likely to message you if you are polite, show that you have read their profile and are connecting with them based on something you saw on their profile. Your first message shouldn't be something like 'hey you are cute, tell me about yourself' because it means you have not read their profile at all. And by the title of this thread, lots of women like proper grammar. I mean how r u 2 day qt may grab some women but it is more likely to turn them off than not.

Of course if you are only in it for casual sex, then you might have to look for specific dating sites and the approaches there may be different but they still would probably like you to make a connection based on whatever their profile states.

_________________
You are all a disgrace to vegans. Go f*ck yourselves, especially linanil.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Wed Sep 28, 2016 6:35 pm 
Offline
Mispronounces Daiya
User avatar

Joined: Fri Oct 22, 2010 9:09 am
Posts: 1489
Location: Denver
It seems like you are in fact trying to play devil's advocate, you're just not willing to name it. You say you're not defending anyone's behavior. I would challenge you to examine that assertion. When we offer excuses for culturally ingrained behaviors that skew toward mistreating, devaluing or oppressing a group of people, we're defending those behaviors. (and to be clear, I'm definitely guilty of having done that in my lifetime.)

Quote:
"However, in most cases the intention behind the messages is different as what you might think.
Have you ever thought that the assumption, which claims that a guy who sends an untactful message, is a guy who thinks that women are just sexual objects and therefore is dehumanising them, is an assumption that immediately dehumanises the guy?"



I want to start by acknowledging that, yes, toxic masculinity hurts men. It can rob them of affection, intimacy and legitimate ways to express their feelings. However, that hurt does not justify being rude or sometimes abusive toward other people. It does not justify initiating the scripts of sexist forking society, nor acting in ways that support oppressive systems.

As for not understanding intent behind messages. Really? I get that you are male, so some of other men's behaviors are invisible to you. So let me give you an example of the types of FIRST MESSAGES I am talking about: "I want to fork your tits." "I wonder what your kitten tastes like." "I am coming to your town, and I'm going to fork you." "I'm staying at X hotel, wanna meet up so we can fork?" Or in one case a several-paragraphs long, graphic and poorly written hypothetical fork scene he imagined between us.

Yeah, I'm sorry if I'm dehumanizing those guys by thinking those messages are sexualizing me. Which honestly, isn't a problem for me in and of itself. The problem is sexualizing me with no regard for my feelings, desires or sexual agency. I say at least a couple of times in my profile, "Hey, if you message me just don't be a creep about it." There are places on the internet explicitly for people to jump right into graphic sex chats with strangers (and yes... often a person has to pay for them. That can be the price of wanting to press a sexual fantasy on someone without much by way of considering the other person's desires up front.)

All of your reasons these things are not sexualizing/dehumanizing to women... well, they kind of are. They start with the assumption that men expressing their desire or wanting receive affection and acknowledgement is more important than women's desire not to receive sexual and sometimes harassing messages FROM STRANGERS.

As for your assertion that "both ends seem to have problems".... OK, sure. No one is perfect and many folks of all genders have been socialized to communicate poorly about sex, desire and consent. However, the online dating nightmares that I hear from straight men tend to be that they're not getting much in the way of response. And as a person who dates men, women and folks who don't identify either way, I will say sure, I probably get the lowest response from women. Sometimes that feels like a bummer, because I'd prefer to date more women. And you know, I'm a total catch! I can fix your bike, some folks say I'm pretty sexy, I'm forking hilarious, smart as a god damned whip, I do cool shiitake in my spare time, I have big boobs and the people who spend the most time looking at it say I have a cute butt. I have short nails and tiny hands! But none of those things entitle me to anyone's attention or affection. Even if I think that person is smart and sexy and wewouldhavesososososomuchtotalkaboutandthenthebestsexeverrrrrrr, I know am not entitled to their affection. So getting mad or feeling slighted when they don't respond to my message... Well, that would be presumptuous and childish.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Wed Sep 28, 2016 6:49 pm 
Offline
Mispronounces Daiya
User avatar

Joined: Fri Oct 22, 2010 9:09 am
Posts: 1489
Location: Denver
Or more briefly: When people say they really don't like a thing others are doing to them, it's sort of not cool to come up with all the reasons it might be OK to do that thing to them.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Wed Sep 28, 2016 7:21 pm 
Offline
The Real Hamburger Helper
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 20, 2010 2:39 pm
Posts: 2377
Location: Missouri
I'm going to be harsh and say that if a thread that spans years that is full of women complaining about harassing and vile messages is what it takes for you to "have some degree of understanding and compassion" for the women who don't reply, then maybe the problem isn't the women.

_________________
I was really surprised the first time I saw a penis. After those banana tutorials, I was expecting something so different. -Tofulish

The Themysciran - my geek blog


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Wed Sep 28, 2016 8:00 pm 
Offline
The Real Hamburger Helper
User avatar

Joined: Thu Feb 17, 2011 6:18 pm
Posts: 2278
Location: St. Pete, FL
worldrunner79 wrote:
I would bet that most messages sent by guys have the intention to make the recipient of the message feel as the miracle of creation that she actually is, letting her know that he is also a miracle of creation, and that he would love to share some time of his existence together with her. In simple words, without skills and in a very untactful way "Hey, nice tits. Wanna fork?"


Yes, a complete stranger describing the position he wants me to be in while he tears my asparagus up is clearly making me feel like a miracle of creation.

Seriously, you need to recognize that we aren't talking about the guys who get rejected for superficial reasons like height or income. We're talking about the sleazeballs who only see women as warm toys. Give 'em a bj, let them fork us how they want, and that's that. And those guys FAR outnumber the ones that legitimately seem to want to interact with another human, at least based on the messages I've received.

_________________
Ridiculous people on the internet are consistently ridiculous. -pandacookie

Etsy shop: https://www.etsy.com/shop/StrangeJourneyDesign


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Wed Sep 28, 2016 9:58 pm 
Offline
Saggy Butt
User avatar

Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 12:10 am
Posts: 1164
Location: Melbourne, Australia
worldrunner79 wrote:
I agree many of the messages are completely out of class, many of them can interpreted as disturbing and offensive. However, in most cases the intention behind the messages is different as what you might think.

I'm sure most women understand that many of these kind of messages come from guys that have problems with self doubt and loneliness and fear.

But you know what? fork intent. When you say these kind of things to someone they don't owe you the benefit of the doubt, no matter how much of a nice guy you may believe yourself to be *slams head against wall*

_________________
'forking. bogan as forking fork' - Joshua
'I can puke and be naked anywhere I want' - Fee


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Wed Sep 28, 2016 10:12 pm 
Offline
Mispronounces Daiya
User avatar

Joined: Fri Oct 22, 2010 9:09 am
Posts: 1489
Location: Denver
caterpillar <<<<3!!!!!!

This guy knows what's up.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Wed Sep 28, 2016 10:29 pm 
Offline
Brain Made of Raw Seitan
User avatar

Joined: Sat Oct 23, 2010 4:58 pm
Posts: 1264
Location: chicago
And also- I don't think anybody was responding to your post because they thought you wanted advice. They were responding because they took issue with what you said, and wanted to emphasize experiences that have been brought up in this thread before. Women can give their thoughts and experiences and even disagree with your ideas for their own reasons (I.e. Not just for your benefit) and without being explicitly invited to do so.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Thu Sep 29, 2016 7:11 am 
Offline
Lubes With Earth Balance
User avatar

Joined: Tue Feb 26, 2013 9:14 am
Posts: 1588
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland
Olives wrote:
Or more briefly: When people say they really don't like a thing others are doing to them, it's sort of not cool to come up with all the reasons it might be OK to do that thing to them.


Shy Mox wrote:
I'm going to be harsh and say that if a thread that spans years that is full of women complaining about harassing and vile messages is what it takes for you to "have some degree of understanding and compassion" for the women who don't reply, then maybe the problem isn't the women.


caterpillar wrote:
worldrunner79 wrote:
I agree many of the messages are completely out of class, many of them can interpreted as disturbing and offensive. However, in most cases the intention behind the messages is different as what you might think.

I'm sure most women understand that many of these kind of messages come from guys that have problems with self doubt and loneliness and fear.

But you know what? fork intent. When you say these kind of things to someone they don't owe you the benefit of the doubt, no matter how much of a nice guy you may believe yourself to be *slams head against wall*


Nothing more to add, just wanted to say hell yes to all of the above.

_________________
Some woopiter from Jupiter then says, and I quote: "That can't be true because I read otherwise online. Just look on Youtube." - torque


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Thu Sep 29, 2016 2:48 pm 
Offline
Remembers When Veganism Was Cool
User avatar

Joined: Mon Jan 02, 2012 10:43 am
Posts: 2441
Location: The island of misfit toys
I've dipped my toe into online dating recently and have had limited success:

Guy number 1 wanted to go on a date to play bingo (and I'm talking British Legion not Mecca)
Guy number 2 told me he thought I had Aspergers
Guy number 3 seemed great until he disclosed he never has and never will use condoms, my foot made a big mark on his backside as I showed him the door

I think I'll be a hermit instead

_________________
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life" Mary Oliver

Facebook

http://thechroniclesofbanania.blogspot.co.uk/


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Thu Sep 29, 2016 10:41 pm 
Offline
Semen Strong
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2010 7:10 pm
Posts: 22107
Location: Cliffbar NJ
caterpillar wrote:
worldrunner79 wrote:
I agree many of the messages are completely out of class, many of them can interpreted as disturbing and offensive. However, in most cases the intention behind the messages is different as what you might think.

I'm sure most women understand that many of these kind of messages come from guys that have problems with self doubt and loneliness and fear.

But you know what? fork intent. When you say these kind of things to someone they don't owe you the benefit of the doubt, no matter how much of a nice guy you may believe yourself to be *slams head against wall*


Gulliver, you rock!

WR79, you post so often about how you get rejected and I wonder if that skews your ability to see women on these sites as human beings. I think that it's hard to feel like you are constantly being rejected, even if that is the nature of Internet dating. If you want to meet someone, maybe consider reading the thoughtful responses of women here, instead of arguing with them.

I did online dating for such a long time, and got lots of really awful messages that clearly weren't about making me feel like "a miracle of creation." They made me want to set my computer on fire and throw it out of the window. I really find it nearly impossible to believe that a normal nice guy would be so clueless about women that he could think these were messages that would open the avenue to any kind of intimacy. It's like someone screaming rude comments at you from a cab driving by at 35 mph - it's more about the power of being able to hurt someone and impact them, not about an attempt to create intimacy.

_________________
My oven is bigger on the inside, and it produces lots of wibbly wobbly, cake wakey... stuff. - The PoopieB.

THROW A forking YAM IN THE OVEN ITS forking CHRISTMAS - LisaPunk


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Fri Sep 30, 2016 12:48 am 
Offline
Drinks Wild Tofurkey
User avatar

Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 1:04 am
Posts: 2968
Location: UK
Star wrote:
Guy number 1 wanted to go on a date to play bingo (and I'm talking British Legion not Mecca)

Oh Star I'm sorry but this really made me laugh! I hope you have better luck in the future!

_________________
Everyone turns into Boo Radley, if they live long enough ~ seitanicverses
There are as many ways to live as there are humans in the world ~ SchwaGrrrl


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 6566 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 259, 260, 261, 262, 263  Next

All times are UTC - 6 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group
Template made by DEVPPL/ThatBigForum and fancied up by What Cheer