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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2012 12:19 am 
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this is sort of in response to a lot of the comments of "too much too soon" i've been seeing:
personally i really like it when someone i'm messaging with doesn't seem to feel inhibited by any strange, unspoken rules of the internet or otherwise. if i want to text or email, i will right away and if that leads to half a dozen in a row with someone, that's fine. i like it when someone else feels the same way and doesn't decide to wait 24 hrs or a week or what have you. i think everyone loves that getting-to-know-you phase; it's thrilling. maybe that's the part of dating people really live for (ok, that and a potentially positive end result) and that's what keeps people yearning for more, even after the negative experiences.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2012 1:14 am 
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I'm totally dealing with this too much too soon stuff, like at this very moment through texts!

I feel alternately flattered and anxious.

We met two weeks ago, do you really wish I was coming on your camping trip with you? Is it really important that I meet all your friends? Like, I did meet them at a show, which was fine, but then she was like I'm so happy you're getting to meet my friends and I'm thinking, I hope this isn't like some sort of seriousness milestone for you...but then also it's cute? So I don't know.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2012 4:36 am 
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chouettes crêpes wrote:
this is sort of in response to a lot of the comments of "too much too soon" i've been seeing:
personally i really like it when someone i'm messaging with doesn't seem to feel inhibited by any strange, unspoken rules of the internet or otherwise. if i want to text or email, i will right away and if that leads to half a dozen in a row with someone, that's fine. i like it when someone else feels the same way and doesn't decide to wait 24 hrs or a week or what have you. i think everyone loves that getting-to-know-you phase; it's thrilling. maybe that's the part of dating people really live for (ok, that and a potentially positive end result) and that's what keeps people yearning for more, even after the negative experiences.


It isn't really about rules. I would be very easy going and always give room for the other person's infatuation, giving them time to settle down. But, in my experiences, the people who have pushed for a lot of email/text contact have always burnt out quickly. They build me up to be some sort of perfect woman then crash and burn and, as my friend put it, they punish me for their behaviour.

One drove massive amounts to see me over the course of a week, on our second date he put one of his favourite mugs, hot chocolate & herbal tea in my kitchen cupboard (without asking), then by the end of the week accused me of liking him too much (I wouldn't drive that amount to see anyone and hadn't left anything in his house). 6'6" was texting me excessively, I mentioned it to him a couple of times and he just kept on with it, even texting me from work (he was in the security forces, so that was a bit surreal). He would text me every morning to say hello and would have text me all day if I had let him. Then he turned on me out of the blue and acted prettily nastily towards me. It wasn't just that he didn't like me any more, it was as if he disliked me. He actually insulted me about my height as I was leaving his house, a few hours before he was wrapped around me like a happy clam.

Now I've no choice but to see excessive text/email contact as a sign of potential erratic behaviour.

I do see these people as emotional bingers, and each time I've been left feeling like I've been fed upon. It's bizarre and really not pleasant.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2012 8:56 am 
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i'm sorry you've been through all that, fezza. i do see your reasoning and if i'd been through all that, i'd implement the same precautions. i suppose a part of me hopes it isn't a universal rule.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2012 8:57 am 
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chouettes crêpes wrote:
i'm sorry you've been through all that, fezza. i do see your reasoning and if i'd been through all that, i'd implement the same precautions. i suppose a part of me hopes it isn't a universal truth.

ETA: wording


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2012 8:57 am 
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repeat


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2012 9:13 am 
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chouettes crêpes wrote:
i'm sorry you've been through all that, fezza. i do see your reasoning and if i'd been through all that, i'd implement the same precautions. i suppose a part of me hopes it isn't a universal rule.

I'd implement the same precautions in fezza's situation too. But it's definitely not a universal rule that the enthusiastic communicators are going to be erratic and emotionally manipulative. Biker boy was an enthusiastic emailer before we met and a big texter immediately after. Turns out, he's just a big communicator, period. Like it definitely meant he liked me, but if we were exchanging volleys of texts the day after our first date, he was also having text conversations at the same time with two friends, one teammate and a sibling or cousin to boot. He's just like that. And I did feel all nervous and weird about meeting his friends the first few times, but it wasn't a Big Relationship Milestone to him, it was just natural that he liked me enough to sort of fold me into his day to day life. I guess it could all have come across as a little creepy if I didn't dig him as much as he did me. But that's not exclusive to online dating... what's creepy and overbearing coming from one person might seem sweet and romantic from the right person.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2012 10:54 am 
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I signed up for okc last night. It's kind of cool. Very casual and I liked some of the questions the site asked. Let's hope it's not terrible!


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2012 12:10 pm 
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monkeytoes wrote:
chouettes crêpes wrote:
i'm sorry you've been through all that, fezza. i do see your reasoning and if i'd been through all that, i'd implement the same precautions. i suppose a part of me hopes it isn't a universal rule.

I'd implement the same precautions in fezza's situation too. But it's definitely not a universal rule that the enthusiastic communicators are going to be erratic and emotionally manipulative. Biker boy was an enthusiastic emailer before we met and a big texter immediately after. Turns out, he's just a big communicator, period. Like it definitely meant he liked me, but if we were exchanging volleys of texts the day after our first date, he was also having text conversations at the same time with two friends, one teammate and a sibling or cousin to boot. He's just like that. And I did feel all nervous and weird about meeting his friends the first few times, but it wasn't a Big Relationship Milestone to him, it was just natural that he liked me enough to sort of fold me into his day to day life. I guess it could all have come across as a little creepy if I didn't dig him as much as he did me. But that's not exclusive to online dating... what's creepy and overbearing coming from one person might seem sweet and romantic from the right person.


See, this is why I'm willing to give people time, unfortunately the same people don't usually give me any and I end up rejected for not being as good as the made up woman in their (fuckwittery) heeds. I wouldn't walk away from someone because they're enthusiastic, there's always the hope that they'll remain that way and I'll feel the same back and we'll get maaaaaaaaaaried and have kittens and rainbows and unicoooooooooorns..... or at least date for more than a week, with a regular doink thrown in, that would do.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2012 1:18 pm 
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I'm starting to think maybe it is a cultural thing too. Fezza and I are in the same(ish) country and have come across the same kind of patterns and behaviours from men that use online dating here. I wonder is there scientific studies in it?!

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2012 2:14 pm 
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I've done a vagientific study, the results weren't good.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2012 2:17 pm 
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fezza wrote:
I've done a vagientific study, the results weren't good.

Haha!

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2012 2:29 pm 
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okay I was thinking about this the other day because my friend Liz was complaining about never knowing how to greet someone she's meeting for the first time, and I realized I wouldn't really have any idea either. do you go for a hug, handshake, high five, nod? what? how do you do that? what motion goes along with "hi, it's nice to meet you" etc??

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2012 2:33 pm 
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booberthefraggle wrote:
okay I was thinking about this the other day because my friend Liz was complaining about never knowing how to greet someone she's meeting for the first time, and I realized I wouldn't really have any idea either. do you go for a hug, handshake, high five, nod? what? how do you do that? what motion goes along with "hi, it's nice to meet you" etc??


My date Sunday gave a lame-guy wave at my dog. But I think maybe that could possibly be weird.

I think a wave is ok if it is across the room and to get the persons attention. I'm not into physical contact with strangers unless it is in a more formal situation.... then I would handshake. But date, more a hi how's it going and clutch onto your phone to dead call a friend to warn them you need rescuing.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2012 2:37 pm 
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It depends on the banter beforehand, if I've been getting on well with someone I'll give them a hug hello. If the conversation is a bit stilted/they're sitting down/look shy I just say 'hey, nice to meet you' and make a run for the coffee line or plonk down in a seat.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2012 2:43 pm 
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The two times I've met someone from online it's been a quick casual hug.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2012 3:59 pm 
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I shake hands when meeting someone. I shake hands at the end of the date on occasion.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2012 4:54 pm 
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I shake hands at the beginning, and often end with a hug and cheek kiss. Regardless how much we've spoken beforehand, I like shaking the hand of someone to get a feeling of how they are. I find that handshakes say a lot.

I had a really interesting date tonight, with an Italian guy just passing through Munich who does a very interesting job. We talked non stop for 4 hours, had a beer and then a nice dinner at the vegan restaurant, and overall share a lot of views. Too bad he's far away most of the time, but we might repeat next time he passes by. I haven't had such an interesting conversation for too long, although it made me realize how bad my Italian is becoming... half of the times I had to revert to English.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2012 4:56 pm 
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I usually just say hi and sit down when meeting someone for the first time, unless they try and shake my hand in which case I'll do that.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2012 5:05 pm 
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Two of the guys I went out with it was a quick hug hello. The third I was already in line at the coffee shop because he was late and I was feeling awkward just standing around. So that one was a contactless hello when he stepped into line a person or two behind me. Anecdata.

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2012 8:26 pm 
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Had a date saturday wiht a nerdy dude getting his phd in physics had a good time, but not the love of my life.

Have a date tomorrow with my coworker who is movving to virginia. He was my grad school crush and I told him i wanted the date i never got before he leaves

Meeting a new guy on Sunday. Im super excited about this one, we've been talking a lot and skyping and I feel hopeful. Cross your fingers for me ppk!


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2012 8:33 pm 
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Oh and also I ususally begin and end with a hug.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2012 9:37 pm 
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Okay, I feel derpy. There's cute guys I want to message buuuut I have no idea how to go about that. Well, I know how to message, it's just- bleh. It seems awkward. But it's still a cool website and I'm going to stick with it for now.


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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2012 11:04 pm 
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Pick something in their profile (ie:Buffy) and say something like: "hey! I love Buffy too! You having a good week?"

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 Post subject: Re: online dating (how r u 2day qt?)
PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2012 11:09 pm 
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I live in San Francisco.

WHERE THE FRIG ARE ALL THE TATTOOED, GLASSES WEARING DUDES THAT DON'T EAT MEAT. This is the goddamn Bay Area!

Seriously. Even two out of those three things and I'm going to need one of those old fashioned menstrual pad belt setups to keep my pantaloons from flying off.

Why the hell can't I find any of these?!

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